The Freaks come out at night

So yeah If you rememebr I posted about the racy adam4adam pic. Finally after a week of putting dudes off I decided to meet two of them.Odly enough both latin dudes. now truth be told I have limited experience with latin dudes but when you throw up the racy pic mainly very local people hit you up and I live in the bronx.

The first dude we met up for a J/O session. Well the first thing I thought when I got there was damn hes kind of older looking then I thought but whatever. In all honesty it was hard for me to get into the groove of things ( couldnt get hard like I wanted to ) As we continued on I got into it , a little freaky but hay it wasn't a bad nut, I will go back again . Only thing I didn't like is it seemed like he lived in a maze/dungeon and I had backflashes of some geofrey dahmer shit while I was walking down there because truth be told I would not have even known how to get out of the damn place.

Second dude came over after I interrogated him online and all he wanted to do was give me head. Well we never even exchanged numbers he just called when he was close. He came through and might I say quite impressive job . NO number exchanged and I have no urge to see him again but its all good. I even stelth setting blocked him on yahoo it is what it is. Damn am I turning into the ho I understood earlier this summer . I dont know what im turning into but I know I like sexual contact and I'm tired of jerking off it aint the same, plus young sexy went awol (damn I would delete the account if he resurfaced .) As long as I keep it safe Im good right? (what about my heart , what about love, what about finding the one , am I done searching?)

VS. Game

So now I am playing the game of VS. with the dudes I am talking to
Example
Very Cute & crazy Vs. Average looking and Nice

Well truth be told average looking and nice can get me going sometimes but very sexy & crazy his sex appeal is on another level. Verysexy and Crazy though he seems to think we were in a realtionship before and I never got that memo but I follow along with his insanity and I think boy oh boy I dont know if I want that in my life. The sexual thing was fire from what I remember. Average looking and nice is new he adores me but so does Very cute and crazy.

Winner: Very good looking and Crazy
Explanation: I'm vain and the fool kept my attention very well and as long as I want to just be with him from day one I should be aight (lol that's the problem.)

Very sexy and Crazy Vs. Very sexy and Busy (I will just call them crazy and Buzy for short)

Buzy is some one that I have been knowing for years and we have had several off and on times when we are talking and when we arent. Busy knows me pretty well and I feel so comfortable around him. The last time I tried to pursue Busy he invited me to a function at his job after I stood there mingling waiting for him to be ready to leave I told him I would walk around the city for awhile and wait for him to meet me. Didn't happen he called me later and was like oh I was just pulled into a meeting. I was like what the fuck, he was always hard to get time alone with . If I was into waiting he would be worth waiting for.

Winner: Busy
Explanation: He could really be my heart he is all I would want in a dude I would never look elswhere if he could just pencil me in.


Young & sexy Vs Busy Vs Crazy

Young sexy is 21 and the shit. The level of intamacy is off the hook. We have been kicking it lately on a consistent basis. I haven't jonesed for a dudes body like this in a minute but he is young and with him comes all the bullshit that comes along with youngins. Right now his phone is off and I can't reach him and I been wanting him the past few days. He is an around the way type dude andhe lives real close. One thing is he has very little life experince and he still lives with his parents. I will say he is much more mature then any of the other youngins I have fucked with , he has a job or two and goes to school and is about to be somebody. I love his drive that shit turns me on.

Winner: A tie between Youngsexy and Busy
Explanation: Can't decide between the two because either I could work with but would I be completely fulfilled.

I think I better continue looking

A little research

So I am a long time user of adam4adam. Truth be told I hardly ever admit that I use it . And when I meet a good boy out side of the net, I dread them ever finding out I even have an account. But at the end of the day majority of the people in the club and those you meet elsewhere are on adam. It is almost like a gay myspace, well myspace already has its gay connection . Adam Is like a gay xrated myspace. Any how I have met quite a few characters off of adam none of which have really materialized into anything serious, but it is what .

I have always been so curious about who are the actual faces behind the dick and ass pics on adam. I mean I posted about it this summer how I thought it was somewhat liberating to be a proud ho, If you are tired of the dating bullshit. Me and my curious self I decided to post a racy picture on adam last week. Now, my usual acount on adam gets hit up once in awhile. When I change the picture or are on in the daytime I get more hits but I can go for long times periods with very little messages . Oh yeah it's only a face pic and thats all because I have something against showing all my good stuff online well at least on adam anyway.

Well strictly for research purposes did I post this racy pic . And my pc is ringin off the hook everytime I log on. Now half of the people are nasty ass freak hoes. But a good percentage of them look good. I mean what started off as research has become my main name I have been logging in on this week. Now one nudie pick does not a ho make. I havent met anyone yet but I think I am going to. I am telling them I only want to jerk off because I am trying to stay a good boy . One dude I talked to on the phone acts as if sex is so far off while another wants it right away , so that pretty much my usual experiences with adam. But damn considering my previous blog on hoes is this a self fulfilling prophesy, I dont know but I will keep you posted.

In small doses please

In college a friend of mine and I had this philosophy about small doses. It was our personal oppinions that there were some people in your life that are friends but you can only stand them in small doses. You may love them to death but they have a limit. Well truth be told you love them but from a distance. They are nice people but they have soething about there personality that irritates you till no end but it takes sometime for it to hit you.

Well guys my only gay friend here in NYC is some one I like only in small doses. He is the only friend I have like that everyone else I can see when ever but him once I have been around him past 6 consecutive hours or so I'm already gathering my things for an abrupt depparture.In the past year I would say that we have gotten alot closser since most of my gay freinds here have moved away or been cut off.

He and I have travelled before . I rememebr the first time we traveled to Chicago and he and my good freind Detroit were bumping heads rediculously. Actually Small doses and I were bumping heads also . I was almost sure when we made it back to NYC we would never be friends again. He was just freeaking obnoxious, going out of his way to be an asshole to some one he didnt even know. After that trip I vowed never to bring him around another one of my friends again . I really felt responsible for him almost ruing Detroit's time. Any how we traveled together again after that and well he always was consistent as far as annoying the hell out of me. And I would always ditch him for hours on trips. Then I just said fuck it dont need to do that anymore. I mean If we were locked up in jail cell together I swear it would take me only a few days before I shanked him. So if I feel so passionately on how annoying this person is to me why still be friends.

I think sometimes my opinion on friends and relationships is weird. I must be honest, the way I grew up plays alot into it. Growing up I had a daddy that just up and one day decided he didnt want to be bothered with me anymore. To me thats worse then having the whole "I never met my father " situation. Outside of that we moved around alot so I started new school maybe three times in my younger life and I was a fat kid so it was always hard for me to make new friends. Sometimes when I did make friends they always would play me out when they were vying for the cool kids attention. So yeah I have some serious abandonment and detachment issues. I also dont always hold my friends to the high standard they should have to be held to. If my friends fuck up and prove themselves to not be on my level they should be cut off.

Back to small doses.... So He recently wanted to stay at my apartment for the weekend. I thought to myself oh no I dont know if I can take that it would be too long and my weekends are like gold . The past few weekends have been all about resting and relaxing I am so tired I sleep 10 hours on saturday and sunday and I love it I'm beginning to think sleep is almost as good as Absolut( ooh that sounds alcoholic). Now the past few weeks he has been asking to come over to my place to take a shower because his water went cold( huh, what, when my water goes cold I just hop my humble ass in the shower and deal with it or if its too cold I white boy shower it and call it a day). Each time he has asked I just basically become really inconsistent and don't respond. I know if he comes to take a shower he will spend the night and thats way past my 6 hour limit. So when he asked about the weekend I just never responded. He then sent me a text the next day saying thanks for not responding and I haven't responded since.

It's been a week now and I must say I dont miss him at all . If anything he always got more out of our friendship then I did. I would book the trip for us, I would let him come shower here, I would read his papers for school, I would give him that 30 bucks so he could make it till pay day, I would even buy him a drink at the club and what did I ever get out of it. Even when I gave him money I had to ask for it back and thats not a freind, if you owe me money you need to give it back to me I shouldn't have to aks you for it. If you are a freinds and I help you out be thankful find ways to reciprocate even though I may not need something from you, isn't that the way friendships work small doses or not.

So will I call, I dont know . I bet he is pissed off at me but in all honesty he has no right to be. Even though I like him only in small doses I feel as though I like him even better in no doses, but I dont want another enemy why can't I end things with friends and lovers amicably.

Do I smell desperation?

Well I guess all things will come to the surface at some point. So this week with my Jersey friend just started off with disjointed communication. I was starting to feel like talking to him was a chore. It was just wasted time. The communication was dead. After a few days of phone tag he called and said it was soemthing he needed to speak to me about. And he basically dumped me lol. It makes me kind of laugh evertime I think of it. I guess he didn't dump me but we did agree on one thing, the spark was gone and that is the truth for sure. He had become like my homeboy in a sense. When he was around I didnt feel that animalistic tiger inside of me that wants to rip dudes clothes and make love to him , like you feel when you are getting into something new with some one. Well I felt it in the beginning and it fell off after then . And considering I didnt see him on a consistent basis I tink thats what fizzled everything out

Any how I guess we will be freinds or associates. He asked what I meant by associates and I said "soem one that you say whats up to in the club." Time will tell where that goes. I really respect the fact that he called me up and told me what was up that was a good thing. I didn't even have it in me to tell him how I felt first .But damn why was I pushing this. It was obvious to every one I talked to about this that it wasnt going where I wanted it to go. It was obviouse that this wasnt the situation for me but I just wanted some one to spend this cold ass winter with shit is that a crime. I dont even feel sad about the whole thing I feel somewhat relieved. Its ok if I have a winter with myself , I will be aight , I been aight every other winter.

Testing the waters

Well for the past week or so I have been dipping my feet in the pool of exclusivity. I have calmed myself and put my focus into one person to see where that would go. I must admit I am dipping my feet and the water is a litle cold at times and sometimes its nice and warm and I just want to jump in and take a dive. But for the most part I have been going to the pool and it has been closed for renovations.

Where is this going. Now, I am not one to even try to say that I know the first thing about being in a relationship but I do know that in the beginning stages of dating some one you are given a preview as to what it would be like when and if you decide to acclimate that person into your life. So it is of some importance that at that time period you give that person your best. I think I am giving my best, but two incidents that have happened in our brief courtship have led me to believe he isn't giving his best and I am definitely not one to accept some ones "c" game. I am "A" list and you need to be on your "A" game if you want to be with me.

Incident number one; during a cassual conversation about something he cut me off and told me he wasnt interested in that topic. Ummm what? that was my responce and to be who I trully am I called him on it. I said "well what would you like to discuss" and he had nothing to discuss. After catching on to the fact that I had an attitude he just basically said "oh you are being too sensitive." That statement is one of my pet pieves. In most cases when some one says some one is being too sensitive what they are really saying is " I am not willing to own up to the fact that I just offended or disrespected you so I am going to put it back on you." Anyhow I ended the discussion abruptly because my feelings were hurt a little . He called the next day and was extremely nice, I guess that was and attempt at an appology but next time I would like an actual appology.


Incident number two; I took my first trip out to Jersey. And a trip it was. First of all it was raining like a mother outside second of all I missed the Jersey train which made my commute time last 2 hours. Before I got there he text me that he had company, WTF. Any how it was cool I chilled with them for a minute then they left and we chilled a little more and fell asleep in one anothers arms (that was sweet) but it didnt not erase the fact that it took some compromise for me to go to his house on a weekeday and the least he could have done was make sure he didn't have company over. I would never do that to some one who lived down the street from nonetheless some one who just traveled beyond an hour to see me.

So now what, well being that the pool is closed for renovations so often (meaning we don't see each other that often, it's all mainly phone convo and thats getting boring. Even when I try to plan something out he says he is broke = big turn off.) one is only left to try to find a pool closer to home. I am not saying that I will throw in the towel yet but he is leaving alot of open space, more then enough space for some one else to step in and depending on who it is I may just let them. Damn damn damn.

A double minority

I spent the past weekend in the DC area and while it was a fun weeekend somewhat the thing that stuck out in my mind from this weeekend was an extreme act of ugliness. On my way to meet up with a friend I had to take them metro. While wating in my transfer station I sat down on a bench and put my duffle bag on the bench. The platform was almost empty . The thing is ulike in new york these benches are in an enclosed space it has a glass covering and you go in and out on one side. So I was chilling, just in a relaxed mode. A white woman and her husband or friend came close to where I was sitting . She was talking to him and I began to get a bit of their conversation. I heard her say "Oh I don't like to sit on the end of the bench" fine I thought , whatever I mean on the end you are kind of blocked in . Then as she walked away she dropped the bomb "Well he has commandeered the whole bench , he's black you know how they are. " Fire..... It was as if fire were rising from my head. I dont rememebr the last time I felt that anger, wait, no I do . Actually every moment in my life that I have felt the sting of racism I can rememebr the place the time of day and the feeling in the air. The moment this happened I was so stunned I was almost silenced. My humble black concious self didnt know what to say because truth be told I was hurt. This lady was a fat old white blob and she had hurt my feelings beyond hurt. The sting of racism is not one where you can say well whatever I am still fly. In the moment when some one is judging you based on something you really can't change or better yet something you would never want to change , something you wake up and thank god for every day it hurts.

The sting of racism is something interesting to me because I can always remember my stepfather telling me " no matter how much you may make of yourself some people in this world will still consider you a nigger." So all the things I stand on, a good vocabullary, a good education, a good job , a bachellors degree, a masters degree, no illigitimate kids etc. it doesnt mean shit to a person who sees you as an ignorant animal .

So what did I say, I trully cant remember. I know I started off with "excuse me are you talking to me" then it went into "well you can go sit your fat ass some where else you racist bitch." But it all fell on deaf ears for I was not even worthy of a responce and she acted as if I didnt even exist. Which burned me up even more. So when I walk around standing on my degrees and good english sometimes I forget who I am and where I am and the legacy that I stand on. When the sting of racism hits me Im always slapped back to the reality that I am a Black man in America.

So why did I title this post a double minority. Well truth be told, being black isn't the first thing I think about being judged on. In my everyday dealings I'm more focused on people finding out about my sexuality and judging me based on that. What a situation to be in and in some aspect it is my own people (black people) who do the judging. A double minority but I keep moviong on. But I need not forget who I am a black man first , gay, educated and all that other stuff second. I am sure I will be reminded again . I have never really been disrespected for my sexuallity but rascism is a bug that has bitten me several times.

A Happy Fall

Usually fall has been an indifferent time for me. I usually enter fall with hesitation, almost as if I know what is ahead. Oh I do put out to the universe that it will be a lonely winter. Well this winter I dont feel that way. Even if there is no one that comes along I will be fine.

I think this time last year was right before the cards began to fall in. This time last year was right before I lost it. I dont feel that way now. I am at a new job and the vibe is different and even though I am as tired as a dog I feel good.

Well let me tell the whole truth. There is some one in the picture.And he is a good man . Its funny how that has become something of extreme importance to me . Not he's cute or hes hot or sexy. But his mama raised him right therefore he is a good man. On top of that he is sexy to me and I think he feels the same for me . His only problem is he lives in jersey but that can be worked out , I havent made my first trip out there yet.

The other day he came through and I cooked and all. The thing I loved about it was damn it felt nice to have some one around the house. Like simple shit, some one to sit next to on the couch as I watched tv. Some one to lean over and kiss me during the commercials. I like it but there are somethings I am getting out of my system before I can really be with some one.

Is he worth it?

"Slow down baby your moving too fast got your head in the clouds but your feet on the gas about to wreck your future running from the past "

Ok the Original title for this post was going to be my new part time job.

Somwhere in the past few weeks of the summer I started to "wild out" I started partying up a storm getting crazy drunk and wracking up the numbers. What did that bring, a whole bunch of dudes to talk to on the phone. So when I am finished my 9-5 my second job starts in a few hours thats my 9-12(when the day time minutes start.) In this process I have learned soemthing about myself. And I guess it was never that I wanted a relationship after all it was more that I wanted attention. I wanted that phone to be ringing. (Oh shit done found another flaw.) I fell kind of like I did when I was 22 and hitting up brooklyn cafe every weekend. But why at 28 revert to that time period. Back then I was just entering the scene and I was fresh meat . I would go out every friday and drink like a fish and be drunk as hell. And I was collecting numbers and dating like a fool . It was the first time in my life that I got that attention from anyone. Please let us revisit my past. I was always a fat kid , A fat kid who grew up to be a fat teenager, who grew up to be a fat young adult. I did not enter the scene until I lost massive amounts of weight and that attention I lived for it.

Why have I felt like shit for the past few years, well I wasnt drinking like a fool I wasnt seeing the lifestyle through Hennessey/vodka goggles. Through Vodka goggles the lifestyle looks soo much fun. For the past three years I was feeling it real. I was meeting dudes doing things or not doing things and being dicarded, or disrespected. I guess the stage I am at now is the anacrusis of being jaded. Its the reversion to the old me, the attention starved me . The me who is at this current moment talking to 12 guys. Is that cute, well not really but I was thinking quantity over quality and then maybe some one of quality would come along. Well I guess out of those 12, 5 or 6 of them are quality but am I quality in the process. I have become the man I dislike when I meet some one . I have become hard to reach, inconsistent and a big challenge. Which becomes the thing that keeps them coming after you hmmmm. Its all a game and now I realise why I couldnt get certain dudes and why I wanted them so much, it was all about the chase.

Afew days ago I had one night stand. and I knew it was a one night stand because of how it felt . I met dude at the club we went to his house and did the damn thing . Now that happened under the drunken haze. The real me would never do that. Did I feel cheap afterward ,no. Did I feel discarded afterward, no. Did I even care afterward, no. The anacrusis of being jaded , not giving a fuck. This is not the person I want to be.

I guess India arie said it the best I need to slow down I am really moving to fast. Im covering up and trying to heal the wound of being hurt in the past three years by so many dudes and in some ways I am becoming them. So they who I came to with open heart and mind who got shitted on, now has people coming to me with open heart and mind who I romance from a distance and keep around for my own needs. They give me the attention I want but what am I giving them.

I'm taking a break from drinking and clubbing , no for real . I need to get my mind right, I do not need to become a heartbreaker or the reason some one else becomes jaded.

Im going to slow down.

Goodbye Summer

"Goodbye summer it seems you have to go I wasnt ready for the autumn winds to blow"

Well I hope I left no one hanging but I dont think I even want to continue the last post . Dude dint call back then when I saw him again he acted like he was interested then not then whatever ( I guess I am speeding through the long drawn out story because I dont care any more, not interested and i have moved on to other things.)

Any how what a summer it was I would have to say this was one of the first summers where I really felt comfortable in my own skin. No I didnt get the six pack, no MY locs werent freshly twisted, and no I didnt look perfect. However I felt good in my skin . I felt like damn I don't need all that shit I'm hot anyhow. And I guess that was a journey that took all to long time to get to. I guess this summer was that time I needed to refocus. This was the time I needed to adjust the antenae so the picture could come in clear. All That said I really had fun . I went to party, after party, after party, and I talked mingled and all .And I realised something, hmmmm when I am feeling good about me I attract alot of people to me. Although none have really materialized into anything it was all good practice. Just what I need to prepare me for the right person. this was the best summer I have had since I was 23 and I am 28 now.

Although the summer is done I guess its ok Im still not ready for the autumn winds but something tells me they are going to bring with them some great things I just know it..... stay tuned.

2 weeks of summer fun part 1

So we will start off with the thursday, before going to the club I met up with a dude that I had met a few nights previously. Truth be told he was really cute I mean what I really like. We had an amazing make out session. I havent been kissed like that in ages. Somehow I ended up undressed but I had to meet my friend for the club and I wasnt about to diss. Plus sex on the first meeting up not my style. I was going to go to the club and I was intending to leave for dc the next day. But dude definitely left an impression on my mind. He was something I hadn't had in a while , an agressive man. (anyhow I will blog on how all that panned out in the long run some other day)

(I'm going to devote this post to dc)



So I got there and met up with one of my new friends who I was staying with. One of my old friends in dc invited us to a house party. So I ended up playing monopoly and shit and just chilling that night, we also got a little tipsy and talked. I must say it wasnt the club but there was somehting about this that I did like. I was thinking damn if I had a circle of friends like this in NYC then maybe my life would be more balanced . I hate to admit but I spend alot of time alone. Which drives me to spend too much of my time on the adam 4 adam and the bgc but that is another story for another post.



Saturday my friend and I that I was staying with we headed out to the club. We hit up the delta, a club I have been to quite a few times that I have decided I do not like but whatever. I made sure I was drunk . Before going to the club we stopped by another friends house and again we were in the midst of a get together with a circle of friends, shit I am officially jelouse. I have two gay friends here and we aint never having no gathering or doing anything but going to the club together . Well one we talk almost everyday and we do brunch and shit like that but no circle. Any who I got liquered up and ended up making out with one of the other guys that rode with us. Oh lord that shit was hot. I went in the delta and I was doing it up . Never had that much fun in there. But I must admit I was drunk as hell.I got a few numbers kind of kissed a dude in there I was a complete mess.



On the way back my friend had accumulated a friend he followed us back to the crib and to my surprise entered with us. I was thinking hmmmm where is he going to sleep.Well he ended up sleeping in the bed with us , well there was only one bed and no where else to lay. Whatever I was drunk I went to sleep. Any how in my little sleeping I was some what awakened by some movement , then the sound of kissing then seeing my freinds yellow ass. Could it be these dudes are having sex, right next to me . Why I never!!! And I can have a little freak in me but it didn't turn me on in the least bit. I was offended. I would have never guessed they would do that. It was rude and nasty to me for some reason . Hell I probably could have joined in but I was too disgusted. I guess the whole freindship thing overruled. I thought to myself if I had a freind staying over I would never bring a date over. I mean they could fuck some other weekend. And the thing Is I have other places for guest to sleep besides my bed in my apartment and I would never bring a date home . I think thats tacky. Anyhow all this being said I just went right back to sleep. When I woke up again still going on . I said some smart ass comments went back to sleep. I'm sure they continued.

When I woke up I realized that after making out with dude that rode with us to the club I had the biggest purplest hickey ever on my neck but that wasnt goign to throw no salt in my game shiiiit. Funny my friend was doing all the sex and ended up looking like the ho.

So we spent the whole day with jump off dude after awhile he did get tired of my smart ass comments but my issue wasn't with him it was more with my friend who kept blaming it on alcohol. The way I see it though you aren't that drunk if you can get a condom and lube and do the damn thing. When I'm impaired judgement drunk I can not have sex because truth be told fucking a dude I would fall asleep. Now I have done some stuff drunk but hell sex ain't easy drunk (not if you want to do it safely)



So I went to this club R&R the sunday night I was drunk but mildly drunk , I was still tired from the night before. I got a few numbers there, I did very well in dc with the numbers , it was good practice. I then went to B bar after and that was fun also. No one really noticed the hickey on my neck and who cares if they did, I had a great time.



So next I made sure I had a date with one of the dudes before I left dc. And he was so sweet I liked him. He did notice the hickey on my neck and had no problems pointing it out which was funny but we vibed well but its practice. I ended up making it back home mad late , while on the bus I called the guy from thursday ring ring ring no answer hmmm I will leave a message.

Woo lordy

This boy done worn me out

Ok I know he was too young, point taken. 20 is way to young for me I mean am almost 10 years older then him. But damn homey was sexy I ain't going to lie. Everything was hot however I didn't know kissing him and fooling around would make us connected in a since. The since is he wants me after one day with a passion and my connection is I dont want to break the young boy's heart. He introduced me to his moms, his brother and friends. And we have already had our first disagreement based on PDA . But he lives close and I want to keep shit cool. He has called me about three times today after us meetign up, like I am his man and he wants me to basically drop everything and go spend the night over his house (sidebar: he lives with his moms, they dont have ac, I didn't even see the remnants of a box fan nothing, and I aint trying to be walking over to that side of town this late at night hell nah) He could be a real good mate but he needs to be grown up. He needs to hold his cards and not show it all out in the open. He needs to not let phsyical attraction tell him he wants some one. And I need to date some one older because I know damn well I dont have the energy for this type of shit.

Its all left up to Interpretation

What a weekend it has been , hell summer for that matter

I think the universe is preparing me for the right man . I feel like he is months, days or weeks away. Why do I feel this way, because I keep bumping in to his prototype. I keep meeting guys that are perfect for me although the intereaction doesnt last long . I think the universe is sending me these warnings because something even better and more perfect is on the way.

It's all left up to interpretation there was a much more negative way I could have said this but the Universe is listening and im going to put some positive energy out there.


to be continued

Just checking in

Wow what a summer
Well the major event that has happened in the past week is I got the transfer at work that I have wanted for about the past 3 years. I am finally free of that sanctuary of negative energy. I cant even say that I will even call up my former supervisor and officially tell her I am leaving the right way. Honestly I am so done with her and so moved on I dont see the purpose, that chapter is completely closed and all the horror and insanity that I endured is a thing of the past. The secret did really work I honestly did name it and claim it

Besides that I just got off of a weekend of nonstop partying thursday to sunday. Damn did I feel sexy this weeeknd I guess it was a combination of alcohol confidence and a good outfits. But this summer I have really been getting this head together and loving me . Shit its hard but once you start to feel fly you give it off and I must say I am getting a good responce from it but who cares about that shit I just feel good and doesnt matter if they respond or not.

The former love of my life

I dont know if anyone can relate to this but do you have a guy that you was just in love with back in the day. Like a dude that was your road dog that you just loved to death. Maybe it was just me but I am thinking back to this guy that was my friend, we will call him Bajan. I remember the first time I saw Bajan, when I first got to college, I was a mere 18 (oh shit that was 10 years ago). When I first saw him I had been in boston for about 3 days. I think I saw him walking down the street coming out of the dorms and my heart skipped a beat. He was about 5' 7" with dreds, slender, nice jaw line and just fine as fuck, at that time I had decided "this is the finest dude I have ever seen." Through the grapevine I had heard that he was from new york ( oh yes we have something in common) and then I heard he was roomates with my boy I had went to high school with so it was inevitable we would mingle in the same circles.

Anyhow before I went off to the school I made it my business to be in contact with the on campus black association so I was in attendance for the first meeting and there he was. Yes, I had checked him out from a distance for a few days and even from a distance the man made me tingley . I mean damn I had had a crush before but this was beyond that. Anyway the meeting went on and at the end it was my chance to introduce myself. I went over to him and another dude who would become my roomate the next semester. And I said whats up and I fumbled like a motherfucker actually I stuttered so much so that they asked me to repeat myself (this is so funny how vividly I remember this)

Well from that day on we was road dogs, he, I and the guy who would later be my roomate. I remember how we would talk late at night and he would be talking about some girl who hurt his feelings and I would just want to say "fuck them bitches kick it with me, let me kiss your shinny lips". But at the end of the day I always felt he was gay. I always felt like he felt for me like I felt for him. He was always so happy to see me , he always wanted to hang out and for a good 2 years or so he was the love of my life. I had no interest in trying to meet anyone I had him . Anyhow for a hetero he hardly never was trying to kick it to a woman and he was just too cute to be single like that .

In our third year of school I had decided that our relationship wasn't healthy for me. How long was I going to pine away, so I actively decided to distance myself from him . I stopped calling as much and he was datting this girl who was cool peoples and I had finally kind of gotton over him but occassionally we still had our long talks.

The last thing I remember of significance between us was right before graduation, I had come back to boston for a week (I spent the semster in NYC doing an internship). I didn't call him untill I had already been in town for 2 days he proceeded to tell me " so you was going to be in town and I wasn't going to get to see you" (Huh? what? are we a couple or something?) Then for the whole time I was in Boston, 5 more days he refused to answer any of my phone calls (aw damn my baby was hurt). I really felt like I had fucked up but I also felt like I had finally got the confirmation I needed. Any we got to graduation I saw him there, we didn't really discuss what happened earlier I was happy to see him he was happy to see me. And from what I rememebr that was really the last we saw of each other.

The last time we spoke he called me up about 4 years ago out of the blue and we had made plans to meet up which fell through . When I entered the lifestyle more I kind of let that side of my life fade away but I want it back I want to see what has become of him. Today I decided to look him up on myspace, yes he has an account hasn't been used since february, a blank page with nothing on it . I looked him up on aol and yes there was a picture in his profile , damn it was nice to see him , or what he looks like now. I want to make an attempt to get back in contact with him but im scarrred. I wonder if he ever thinks about me , well I think im going to send him an email , I hope he responds , I wish I could find his damn number but who keeps a number for all those years . I wonder if he still gives off that gay vibe . Im going to find him I will keep you all posted.

The Rodney Experiment

So I was watching the secret after being sad and lonely for a minute. I have decided that I do want to be in a relationship. So I sat down and wrote it out like the secret tells you to.

I am happy and greatful now that I have.......


And I listed all of the things that I want. Not the things that I dont want but what I do want. The next step is to act as if you already have it and as they say in the secret the universe will hear and see your glow or energy and the universe will correspond to the nature of your song.

So not only do I have it already I named him and his name is Rodney. And with this out look going out to the clubs last night all I got was a lots of smiles and positive energy , that is great lets see where it takes us.

Oh lord I done forgot how fly I was again.

I was buggin yesterday but I wont delete that post.

So yeah he did call today. And I was out doing other things. Yes I didn't sleep well last night and yes I was still bugging about it today till he called. Now this is not one of those sweet endings stories but it is the end to the story unfortunately. I got back to the crib called him and got the voisemail again. When I spoke to him earlier he said he was away with family thats why he didnt return my calls (pshh whatever)
As we all know the real comes out and at the end of the day I'm too much for him. Wow, just because I know where I want to be one day as far as children and marraige and all those things I am too much for him and we were taking it too fast. So the real is it wasnt about being with family but it was more about sitting back and thinking damn i'm not ready for this dude.

Well truth be told it took me about a minute to dismiss him after that convo via I.M. and I realized once again lonliness got in the way and I forgot just how fly I was ( ie . I can have another you in a minute ). It's not that serious if you want to slow down go right ahead but I'm pretty sure that I do not want to make another bext friend right now. You either want to be potentially something or we could be nothing at all. And if I am too much for you then you can move on because im not going to go back 6 years just to accomodate some one. Im not willing to or interested in changing who I am. So I am back to where I was, lesson well learned, moving right along not skipping a beat.

I am not a ho but I can understand why some one would be one!!!

hmmmm
I totally understand the hoes now and have been seeing where they come from
(well let me start it where it starts)

The dude from last post I spent all day yesterday with him it was great. We chilled we talked and talked and I was really open. I wasn't feeding him what he wanted to hear or sending in my representative, it was none of that. The time we spent together was great. It had to come to an end that day. He wanted to spend the night I was cool with that at first but there was a sense of hesitation. I was thinking I don't want this to go so fast in a way. There are also many other nigths we can spend together, I'm not going any where. I considered maybe going out after he left but I did not. He called when he got home and all was good.

I called him once today left a message went on with my day and whatever. Went to my moms house came back 7 or 8 hours still no call back . I came home called again left another message and I am left where I am now, with that oh so familiar feeling of hmmmm I guess that one is probably over. I dont know how many times one goes through these kinds of situations before they say fuck it, post some dick pics and call it a day.

That being said
I am not a ho but I can understand how some one else would be one .

So when I go on adam next because in a few days I may have an invetable return, I will raise my fist for the pics I see with dicks in the air and asses in the air because at least they keep it real. They are tired of the games and the lack of communication . They dont wait for some one to call they just move on to the next nut because they have given up , what does love have to do with it.
Now let me go watch "the secret" because I am clearly off course right now.

I exhaled last night

I mean wow
Well I have been doing bgc hard these days. There was a dude on there I met from adam and he stated hitting me up again. I have been extremely reluctant to meet up with him because basically he never really sent me a pic. i mean not one I could tell what he looked liek from anyhow. well yesterday out of sheer boredom I decided to exchange numbers with him. I always kept in mind that he does live close. We talked and I just had diarhea of the mouth (my elementary teachers always called it that). I was telling dude everything about me , stuff I really dont tell people anymore I talked about the hoe and heartbreak days alike. He listened he commented , all I could think is damn we would make good friends in the least bit.

I decided we would meet up later, my homegirl came over and we chilled ended up going out to eat . In the back of my mind I was thinking oh no I hope dude doesn't call because I dont even have my phone on me. Any how he didnt call until I was in about 10 mintues of getting to my house. We talked and my hesitation set in again at almost 11 pm he was asking me if I wanted to come over and chill. For some reason I was like aight lets go .

He lives close but not a place I have ever been on the way over. I almost had a panic attack because a rat was walking across my pathway. oh boy on top of my nervousniss this boy is going to hear me have a panic attack. Anyhow I got to the building and I waited downstairs , I was nervous as fuck. Bam in he comes and my inner mental jaw dropped. But I didn't go crazy I didn't know if he liked me or even thought I was cute .

Well we chilled in the house watched tv the whole time im thinking oh man does he like me I dont know. So I did what I do best I just played it cool. We talked a little and then I got really into the tv that was until he hit me in the head with his pillow and I threw it back and everytime I got to into the tv he hit me in the head again. And he kept hitting me in the head till I got the message. (ding dong) He wants my attention. I gave it to him, first it started looking at his finger nails and I talked to him real close, I looked in his eyes I was right there with him I mean right there.
Oh shit
oh shit
something in happening here

for some reason I burried my head in his neck and he sure did smell good

I did that two more times and he burried his head in mind I knew this was the prelude to a kiss.

The next time was a kiss. an upside down kiss . Damn that shit was good, I felt what I have been wanting to feel for the longest ****tingly**** hell yeah and I exhaled..........

I owe the Chicago trip post

Hmmm

Well im not one to run down every event so I guess I will summerize it. I will start by saying the beginning of the trip was cute. Even the first night where the club was empty I was talking to people and being social actually the whole trip I was talking to strangers , nice strangers. Even Lois the tranny who we bumped into who my detroit buddy made fun of . I personally though of Lois as hmmm, I have come a long way I stood there and conversed with Lois casting no judgement she was quite a character although she invaded personal space she seemed to have a good spirit and thats all that matters at the end of the day. But 4 years ago I would have been scared to even have a convo lol.

The majority of the trip was spent in traffic. My main issue with the whole trip was thier was a cloud of negativity looming over it and no matter how much I tried to lighten the mood even after my contacts were washed down the drain my Detroits friend that could of negativity was not leaving . My boy Detroit wasnt feeling the club thing, and i guess i can understand that . Everyone doesnt embrace that aspect of the culture like I do. I think one of my high lights of the trip was the last day when I went to the festival. Although I was all alone I just love to see our people outside of the club. All I could think to myself is damn It must be great to be str8 because they live in this setting always. Anyhow I met this dude from adam there at first I felt as though I wouldnt be attracted to him because well.... his voice was kind of high but I met up with him anyhow and thank god I did. We had such a nice date and he really began to turn me on with his intelligence and the level of conversation we had. He was real cool people . When we shook hands before he left all I could think was damn I want to fuck him. I went back to the hotel and didn't feel liek doing the train to go to the club so I fell asleep thinking about the hot sex we could have had lol ( it s the summer im so horny this is not me talking its the horny me talking excuse it)

Get out of jail free card

Well I think me and my friend had our last discussion. He wanted to know why it is that I dont innitiate us hanging out and to be honst I couldn't even think up and answer. Well I guess it wasn't not being able to think up and answer but it was more of not being able to think up an answer that wouldnt hurt his feelings. After me not answering the question he was done with the conversation he said he would call me later but that didnt happen. He has been practicing the art of distancing himself from me and I think he is making a good decision. I sold him a lemon, well not really I never really sold him anything. I pretty much maintained a show of inconsistency and he pretty much figured his percistence could change everything. He is a sweet dude I want to end this in a respectful way I just don't really know how to. In the beginning he told me he doesn't need another friend so would it really matter how respectful I end this its not like we will ever really talk again. I hope I didnt hurt his feelings. I dont want the karma but shit the pass few years, what I have been dealing with in dating I feel like I'm at a karma deficit so it should all work out lol.

Gay Only

Damn I am tired of faking the funk
And I really do believe in the laws of attraction. How can I attract realness and authenticity to myself when I dont keep it real or authentic.At the end of the day a lie is a lie and being dishonest is being dishonest.
What brings this all to the surface, well im tired of trying to play it in the straight world. I have flaked on my homegirl two weeks in the row because I can't find a way to tell her I really do not want to go to straight clubs with her on the regular like we do sometimes. She is not as interested in rolling with me to a gay club. When I go to a straight club I feel like I am taken back to when I was in college and I was at those clubs and parties. The work straight men have to go through at a club for even the most broke down bitch is rediculous. I mean all these heffers be acting crazy. Plus I only prefer to do black clubs because to be honest the sisters know how to admire a nubian prince like myself. Any way I like to go to gay clubs I will admit. I like to dance with boys and I have fun feeling free to be and do me . I wish homegirl could understand. Gay only wouldnt be a bad idea. I mean there are some gay people who dont even have straight friends. Wow that is something that I could not imagine because most if not all of my friends are straight . And because of my field of work they are straight women. Those broads want to know way too much information and I'm tired of the lying and the double life living. It is very frustrating , if all my freinds were gay like other gay people do it wouldnt be an issue but I am way too outgoing to not get to know the peopel I am working around in any situation . The closer and closer I come to turning thirty I begin to understand people whose lives only revolve around the gay world.

It's wet in here

Well it rained like hell today and my apartment is very flooded and that basically helped my day to be pretty much a waste of time. I sat here and swept water out, talked to the landlord a million times and it was a useless day. Im tyring to use the laws of attraction to will me to have a great day tomorrow.
Also I spent alot of the day talking to my new friend. As a result of our blow up a few days ago I learned so much about him. I Like this man I must admit but damn we are too totally different people. He's good though but he is finally showing himself and damn he is a spoiled brat he likes it his way I keep wondering is that something I can deal with. The other issue is that he has expressed to me that I am the only one he is talking to and that is how he operates and again I operate a totally different way. And he stopped short of saying that if he knew I was dating others he would be hurt. And I basically said nothing. I am not really dating others but I am still leaving my options open and god forbid he found out I was on adam. But shit this is who I am and we arent in a relationship so I do not owe him certain information like this. This is a strange situation because I have never had to tell some one who I trully am. But then again I do not have to tell him yet and yes I do still have the urge to date other people but no one treats me the way he does..........

My Stomach is in knots

I dont know why but I am buggin right now
My vacation is officially over and its time to go back to work. I am prepared but I just don't feel like going. I am trying to feel good about it but its not working. Oh god give me the strength to make it through the next 2 and a half months.

Another Issue
Me and dude I was talking to got into a bit of an argument yesterday. Basically he wanted me to come over and I didn't want to, I wanted to do something else and he wasn't accepting no for an answer and I wasnt going to tell him yes. Well his feelings were hurt I ended up bulshitting the time away and now I am thinking did I do the wrong thing. I don't know if it was him that I wanted but I do know I am feeling sepreation anxiety over the whole situation. Damn why can't a motherfucker have his cake and eat it too everyone else does. I am so fucking selfish right now it is not even funny. Should I call should I wait it out. Should I let him go if I am not sure if that is what I want to do. Well it looks like I may not have the chance to make that decision because he seems to be letting me go (Well I'll be damned.)

I hope I can get some sleep tonight, it may be a tylenol pm night.

Im going to Throw it Back for a minute

So my 28th birthday was on saturday
In honor of my birthday my mom had me and my brother (my twin ) over for dinner. Everything was great. I am getting used to all of these extra people that are becoming a part of our family. Namely my older brothers girlfreind/baby mama, her son, my new nephew and my other brother's girlfreind. On past occassions these people all made me nervous and made me think I never have anyone to bring home. Anyhow a pivitol moment in the whole day for me was looking at old pictures. I hadnt seen some of these pictures before. One of the pictures that stood out to me most was one of myself standing on the sidewalk near my moms old apartment. The picture was taken probably a few months after I had first started my locs. At the time I was about 21 and that picture took me way back. All I could do is think of who I was and how I felt at that moment.

Who was I at 21. Well I was a good 50-60 pounds more then I weigh now and it really showed. I never thought that was what I looked like. Seeing that picture made me want to cry . At that time I was so closed in and really kept myself away from the world. There was really no life in me . I was shy, I was to myself and I had no life. And on top of all that I was gay . Not only was I feeling like an outcast in the straight world because of my sexuality but in the gay world I would have also been an outcast because of my weight. What an ax to bear. I had no desire to even explore the gay world because all I would hear was no fats, when I saw adds. I was so sad and depressed at that time and all that was written all over my face in that picture.

I have come a long way. I didn't enter the gay world until I lost weight and even after losing so much there was still more to go because I felt I had to fit a certain image. Eventhough I have never gained back the weight I first lost I still struggle with a good 20 pounds. I have just entered a space where I feel as though I am not going to stress over those 20 pounds. I am not fat any longer. And I am also not going to measure myself by a standard that is not too attainable for me. My genetic make up makes it hard for me to be rail thin and cut up like the rest of the gay community but I am who I am and I am still hot to death.

Being closer to 30 is hot to death, I am really beginning not to care what people have to say or think. It is really making since these days .

Now what do i do

hmm
It has been so long since I 've gotten to more then just the first few introductory dates with a dude. I think the last time I consitently went out with some one and talked to them for more then a month must have been more then three years ago. Oooo shit , what has been going on with me. Any how I met this dude about six weeks ago and you know what I like him. But this is a different like, I like the person who he is; the whole package. Its not the same as others but that is where the problem lies. he isnt a pretty boy looks are not what draws me into him so does that mean I am not attracted, I don't know. My issue is now what do I do. After spending so much time, I feel like in a month or so's time the next step will be addressed. How will I tell him I don't know if I want to be in a relationship. I enjoy him alot but I also enjoy the freedom of being single right now. Damn I forgot how this felt I used to always have this problem when was it that it all stopped and why I am wondering (well I guess some where along the way I started telling people I don't want to be in a relationship.) I must say I feel like I am selling him a lemon; building it up to let him down and I don't even know how to get into the conversation so my views can be expressed properly. I don't want him to go yet.....

Emergency room rant

Here I am again sitting in the emergency room. I am sick as hell and it is at times like this that I really realize how alone I am. Hell I came here by myself I'm going to leave by myself and this shit sucks. Why am I going through this, well in short because I put so many things before myself. I dont have a doctor haven't gotten a checkup in the new millenium. If i had a doctor I could have just gone to his office instead I sit here occassionally falling asleep thinking they called my name while I was knocked out. This place is gross there was blood on the floor in the bathroom (ill yuck nasty.) All I need is a doctor to write me a letter so that I can take a few more days off work because this stomach virus or whatever hasn't run its course.
It's so funny how all the things that cloud my time (like work and trying to find a date) take a backseat when I am throwing up everything I eat. Well I have been here for two hours so far , damn I should have told them I was having an asthma attack (well not a bad idea I wish I could wease on command then I would be all set)

Wedding , New Baby's and Funerals the gay perspective

These three things have been going on in my life lately. And i look at them so differently I think what do these major events look like in a gay man's life

Weddings
Hmmm a coworker of mine just got married a few months ago and i attended the wedding. It something about married folks i just cant relate to. Hell i have hardly even been in a long term relationship before. But I must admit Weddings kind of make me sad. I think will there ever be a time in my life when i can express my love in such a manner . In a way that every one is happy for me and everyone is happy for me every one that I care about.

New Babys
My brother is about to be a father again and this weekend that past I found myself at his baby shower. Boy did I feel out of my element. That sheer joy he had to be bringing this new life in the world looked great. I can't wait to see what my new nephew will look like. But will always being an uncle work for me. But on one hand there was some eye candy at the baby shower I was trying to watch my brother's friend all night he was chocolate sexy. yummy with those pants hanging way low I was trying to get a glimpse of his boxers but it wasn't happening.

Funerals
I heard a comedienne talk about how no one cares when a single person dies. And he had some rationale. Single people dont leave behind children or a distraught spouse. Your mother will cry but pretty much the world will pick up where it left off with out youwith alot less damage then when a family man dies. What about when a single gay man dies........

Who is mike

Well I'm not sad to say this but this weekend was interesting. I went out and partied friday and saturday. I guess the most interesting part was I hooked up, yes again but it has been two weeks since the last time (I had to let my dick breathe for a minute) I guess in some aspect I have given up on my previous notion that I will wait and keep my life clean of jumping off in a means of only allowing potential suitors in my life. Well reality check its not happening. Anyhow the liquor turns me into a rockstar. And that rockstar side feels sexy and just does it up on some crazy shit. So I did hook up with a dude, a latin dude and damn was it hot . We didnt have sex because face it I dont do that but what we did do was hot . Not sure if I even came all I remember was waking up with him sleep on top of me. And I kept waking up and looking at his back and Mike was tatoed on it and all I could think was why the hell would some one tatoo mike on their back and I kept thinking im going to ask him who Mike is when we wake up. Well low and be hold it's a good thing that I didn't ask because he used my phone to check his messages and when I looked to see where he dialed...... he was Mike. Boy oh boy did I feel like ___________(fill in the blank).

Jump off rule #1 (I wrote this on the train.)

The occassional hook up. Hmm do people realize that there are actual rules. I mean I think I am a great catch but right now nothing is really throwing it's bait to me so I figure whats wrong with jumping off every now and then. I mean why even be in the lifestyle if you can not afford yourself that luxury. I mean to me jumping off is just some straight up let me get this shit out of my system right quick so I can go on with my day(for the record I don't have sex it's more like messing around.) As a result of the negative connotation involved I almost never do it but sometimes a brother needs to get off (sidebar: this boy sitting across from me is so hot he is nibbling on home girls neck yummy, I'm going to stop for a sec so I can admire.)( I'm back damn I could use some chocolate like that in my life but too young, that's I D checking young, shit I digress, I'm always getting distracted)
Jumping off yeah it amazes me the person I become after the climax. Sometimes I wish there was an eject button on my bed and in the middle cumming I could press it so when my senses return they are no longer there. Any how they never leave thats why I dont do it as much. Don't people realise when they stay to watch a t.v. show and get all comfortable they are breaking jump off rule #1 ( start puting on your clothes and shoes and hat and coat when its over. Don't get all relaxed I don't know you like that you are making me uncomfortable.) If I wanted to talk and get to know you we would have gone out to dinner or some corny shit like that.(damn this is a whorish sounding blog.) (I will get back to watching sexual chocolate over here, wow he is wearing yellow gold thats very brazen.)

Oh Damn that was a good weekend

Wow it is already 2 weeks into 2007
And I keep on thinking back to the last weeknd of 06. I had so much fun . It was one of those weekends of clubbing. I went out to several clubs with my boy from detroit that was visiting and boy did we have fun. I am not sure that he had as much fun as I did but for a minute I was starting to feel like the old me.
Off and on I keep on reencountering the old me. The me that weighed a good 10 -20 more pounds then I do now, that would walk up to the flyest guy in a club and say whats up. Not only would I say whats up but I would dance with him and get his number. Those were the days when I wasflavor of the moment.
What took me out of flavor of the moment staus , millions of things. Mainly getting my feelings hurt. I could think back to the first few guys who hurt my feelings and damn that shit still stings today. I rememebr the one dude I used to call every single day at 9:01 and he never had time to chill and but always was up for some convo.Damn was he sexy, he had bad breathe but I let that slide. Any how when I relaized I was calling him all the time I decided to let him call me and well what happened next is he never called. And I was crushed. A month later I decided to go call him back and he gave a story about moving to connecticut. Maybe he really did maybe he didnt but how hard would it have been for him to tell me he just wasn't interested. well that put up a few bricks.
Then I met my ex a few months after that and he killed all thoughts of that dude but he to hurt my feelings when he made it very clear I wasnt worth his time. Or better yet I wasn't worth him putting some time into . Well that was some bricks and cement.
Then there was the dude I dated who I though was so fly only problem was he couldn't hold to a date, always cancelling . Truth be told he had a man which I found out way latter. But over the 5 hour phone calls I had really let him into my life and it hurt when I realised I was being played. brick brick brick brick
But two week ends ago I felt like me again, no I wasn't floating all over the club like I did back in the day but I didn't feel insecure. Something about getting your feelings hurt that it can kill your self confidence . After all these situations I began to be more obsessed with how I looked and I had no clue it would get worse. I faced so much rejection after that i began to feel as though I was busted. But im starting to feel like the old me again and the old me attracts a different type of people

damn that was a fun weekend even though it damn near wore me out with all that clubbing. I'm starting to realize though that you have to be in it to win it. I will meet no one staying at home doing nothing.
Sidebar: On New Years me and my boy stayed at a club for 7 hours I think that was a record. But man it also felt good to be around a friend, a good friend to bring in the New Years with.

What 2007 means to me.

HMmm . I can't help but feel like I am awakening from a coma. I think for the last two years I have gone on extremely unhappy and turning like the wheels in a big machine. Although I can't place the unhappiness on one thing I think that I had to hit rock bottom before I picked myself up and started that introspection thing. Is 2007 a new beginning, no its a continuation. I started over a few months ago. So many things 2007 means to me. So many things I said was going to stop or change let me list some things and discuss.


1) 5 years of being single if I make it to the summer it will be 5 years that I have not had a significant other. There have been some opportunities I gave up on, but I have been single as a dollar bill for the most part. I still remember how he felt though , I still remember how when we made love how I felt all that tingly but I think to myself in hindsight was it real or all in my head because as I search for something new I look for something or some one that makes me feel like he did and all the things that have happened since then I have rarely felt it ( well I did twice in Atlanta but shit that was in Atlanta doesn't count.)

2) 2 years with out sexual intercourse (If I make it to July that is), hmmm well I don't know that that is all so accurate but I'm running with it. I have never turned down so much sex in my life what the hell am I thinking . well mainly I don't want any ones deceases or any ones wack sex. (side bar: later for all that I gotta fuck this year.)

3)My 5th year at my job .. When I started I said I would only do 5 years and I so feel like the Divine intervention in my life is telling me to move on so why should I fight, I am just going to go where he leads me and he is leading me somewhere else. I realised I can't change the world and sacrifice my own dreams at the same time its never going to work out in my favor.

4) I brought in the past 3 New Years with the same friend. The first New Years we did I was drunk and throwing up on a park bench ( not a good way to bring in the New Year). The second New Years I was at a wack ass party we left early. The third New Years was the worse , we went to a gay club that he brought his straight friend too who he didn't tell it was a gay club and dude was alright till the stripper started sucking his own dick lol. Anyhow he left me out in the cold to go hang at some White boy spot (I don't do white boy spots I did enough keg parties in College. I have earned the right to discriminate, believe me.) Any how this ex-friend has been at the top of my thoughts a lot lately. In the beginning, the ending of our friend ship didn't mean much to me but I definitely feel a void now . It's funny how money can kill a friendship. Well it wasn't money it was the way he disrespected me when the issue of money came into play. I can't be friends with him again, how do you forgive some one who doesn't apologize. Any how it's always weird when I see him out just like I did on New Years. I know we will never be friends again but I wonder is there some way to kill that tension shit that I feel when I see him because I don't need that . I know my money is gone and the lesson is learned I'd like to just erase the whole situation and not act as if we never knew each other.

5) I'm starting to pull myself together. I am returning to who I used to be . I am no longer walking around looking scruffy and unkept. I am ironing doing the laundry more often and making an attempt to keep my house together whether or not some one is coming to visit.

6) Getting to dating , well I realised i don't have time to be at every club doing that thing although I have met some people out there so I joined the gay myspace ( adam4adam) again. It is entertaining I just wish I could be as free as I used to be but I guess it will take a while to demolish all the bricks.

Happy New Years to me


I decided to have a new years resolution. It was to not buy into the insanity and to create my own happiness.