Usually fall has been an indifferent time for me. I usually enter fall with hesitation, almost as if I know what is ahead. Oh I do put out to the universe that it will be a lonely winter. Well this winter I dont feel that way. Even if there is no one that comes along I will be fine.
I think this time last year was right before the cards began to fall in. This time last year was right before I lost it. I dont feel that way now. I am at a new job and the vibe is different and even though I am as tired as a dog I feel good.
Well let me tell the whole truth. There is some one in the picture.And he is a good man . Its funny how that has become something of extreme importance to me . Not he's cute or hes hot or sexy. But his mama raised him right therefore he is a good man. On top of that he is sexy to me and I think he feels the same for me . His only problem is he lives in jersey but that can be worked out , I havent made my first trip out there yet.
The other day he came through and I cooked and all. The thing I loved about it was damn it felt nice to have some one around the house. Like simple shit, some one to sit next to on the couch as I watched tv. Some one to lean over and kiss me during the commercials. I like it but there are somethings I am getting out of my system before I can really be with some one.
Is he worth it?
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
"Slow down baby your moving too fast got your head in the clouds but your feet on the gas about to wreck your future running from the past "
Ok the Original title for this post was going to be my new part time job.
Somwhere in the past few weeks of the summer I started to "wild out" I started partying up a storm getting crazy drunk and wracking up the numbers. What did that bring, a whole bunch of dudes to talk to on the phone. So when I am finished my 9-5 my second job starts in a few hours thats my 9-12(when the day time minutes start.) In this process I have learned soemthing about myself. And I guess it was never that I wanted a relationship after all it was more that I wanted attention. I wanted that phone to be ringing. (Oh shit done found another flaw.) I fell kind of like I did when I was 22 and hitting up brooklyn cafe every weekend. But why at 28 revert to that time period. Back then I was just entering the scene and I was fresh meat . I would go out every friday and drink like a fish and be drunk as hell. And I was collecting numbers and dating like a fool . It was the first time in my life that I got that attention from anyone. Please let us revisit my past. I was always a fat kid , A fat kid who grew up to be a fat teenager, who grew up to be a fat young adult. I did not enter the scene until I lost massive amounts of weight and that attention I lived for it.
Why have I felt like shit for the past few years, well I wasnt drinking like a fool I wasnt seeing the lifestyle through Hennessey/vodka goggles. Through Vodka goggles the lifestyle looks soo much fun. For the past three years I was feeling it real. I was meeting dudes doing things or not doing things and being dicarded, or disrespected. I guess the stage I am at now is the anacrusis of being jaded. Its the reversion to the old me, the attention starved me . The me who is at this current moment talking to 12 guys. Is that cute, well not really but I was thinking quantity over quality and then maybe some one of quality would come along. Well I guess out of those 12, 5 or 6 of them are quality but am I quality in the process. I have become the man I dislike when I meet some one . I have become hard to reach, inconsistent and a big challenge. Which becomes the thing that keeps them coming after you hmmmm. Its all a game and now I realise why I couldnt get certain dudes and why I wanted them so much, it was all about the chase.
Afew days ago I had one night stand. and I knew it was a one night stand because of how it felt . I met dude at the club we went to his house and did the damn thing . Now that happened under the drunken haze. The real me would never do that. Did I feel cheap afterward ,no. Did I feel discarded afterward, no. Did I even care afterward, no. The anacrusis of being jaded , not giving a fuck. This is not the person I want to be.
I guess India arie said it the best I need to slow down I am really moving to fast. Im covering up and trying to heal the wound of being hurt in the past three years by so many dudes and in some ways I am becoming them. So they who I came to with open heart and mind who got shitted on, now has people coming to me with open heart and mind who I romance from a distance and keep around for my own needs. They give me the attention I want but what am I giving them.
I'm taking a break from drinking and clubbing , no for real . I need to get my mind right, I do not need to become a heartbreaker or the reason some one else becomes jaded.
Im going to slow down.
Somwhere in the past few weeks of the summer I started to "wild out" I started partying up a storm getting crazy drunk and wracking up the numbers. What did that bring, a whole bunch of dudes to talk to on the phone. So when I am finished my 9-5 my second job starts in a few hours thats my 9-12(when the day time minutes start.) In this process I have learned soemthing about myself. And I guess it was never that I wanted a relationship after all it was more that I wanted attention. I wanted that phone to be ringing. (Oh shit done found another flaw.) I fell kind of like I did when I was 22 and hitting up brooklyn cafe every weekend. But why at 28 revert to that time period. Back then I was just entering the scene and I was fresh meat . I would go out every friday and drink like a fish and be drunk as hell. And I was collecting numbers and dating like a fool . It was the first time in my life that I got that attention from anyone. Please let us revisit my past. I was always a fat kid , A fat kid who grew up to be a fat teenager, who grew up to be a fat young adult. I did not enter the scene until I lost massive amounts of weight and that attention I lived for it.
Why have I felt like shit for the past few years, well I wasnt drinking like a fool I wasnt seeing the lifestyle through Hennessey/vodka goggles. Through Vodka goggles the lifestyle looks soo much fun. For the past three years I was feeling it real. I was meeting dudes doing things or not doing things and being dicarded, or disrespected. I guess the stage I am at now is the anacrusis of being jaded. Its the reversion to the old me, the attention starved me . The me who is at this current moment talking to 12 guys. Is that cute, well not really but I was thinking quantity over quality and then maybe some one of quality would come along. Well I guess out of those 12, 5 or 6 of them are quality but am I quality in the process. I have become the man I dislike when I meet some one . I have become hard to reach, inconsistent and a big challenge. Which becomes the thing that keeps them coming after you hmmmm. Its all a game and now I realise why I couldnt get certain dudes and why I wanted them so much, it was all about the chase.
Afew days ago I had one night stand. and I knew it was a one night stand because of how it felt . I met dude at the club we went to his house and did the damn thing . Now that happened under the drunken haze. The real me would never do that. Did I feel cheap afterward ,no. Did I feel discarded afterward, no. Did I even care afterward, no. The anacrusis of being jaded , not giving a fuck. This is not the person I want to be.
I guess India arie said it the best I need to slow down I am really moving to fast. Im covering up and trying to heal the wound of being hurt in the past three years by so many dudes and in some ways I am becoming them. So they who I came to with open heart and mind who got shitted on, now has people coming to me with open heart and mind who I romance from a distance and keep around for my own needs. They give me the attention I want but what am I giving them.
I'm taking a break from drinking and clubbing , no for real . I need to get my mind right, I do not need to become a heartbreaker or the reason some one else becomes jaded.
Im going to slow down.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
2 weeks of summer fun part 1
So we will start off with the thursday, before going to the club I met up with a dude that I had met a few nights previously. Truth be told he was really cute I mean what I really like. We had an amazing make out session. I havent been kissed like that in ages. Somehow I ended up undressed but I had to meet my friend for the club and I wasnt about to diss. Plus sex on the first meeting up not my style. I was going to go to the club and I was intending to leave for dc the next day. But dude definitely left an impression on my mind. He was something I hadn't had in a while , an agressive man. (anyhow I will blog on how all that panned out in the long run some other day)
(I'm going to devote this post to dc)
So I got there and met up with one of my new friends who I was staying with. One of my old friends in dc invited us to a house party. So I ended up playing monopoly and shit and just chilling that night, we also got a little tipsy and talked. I must say it wasnt the club but there was somehting about this that I did like. I was thinking damn if I had a circle of friends like this in NYC then maybe my life would be more balanced . I hate to admit but I spend alot of time alone. Which drives me to spend too much of my time on the adam 4 adam and the bgc but that is another story for another post.
Saturday my friend and I that I was staying with we headed out to the club. We hit up the delta, a club I have been to quite a few times that I have decided I do not like but whatever. I made sure I was drunk . Before going to the club we stopped by another friends house and again we were in the midst of a get together with a circle of friends, shit I am officially jelouse. I have two gay friends here and we aint never having no gathering or doing anything but going to the club together . Well one we talk almost everyday and we do brunch and shit like that but no circle. Any who I got liquered up and ended up making out with one of the other guys that rode with us. Oh lord that shit was hot. I went in the delta and I was doing it up . Never had that much fun in there. But I must admit I was drunk as hell.I got a few numbers kind of kissed a dude in there I was a complete mess.
On the way back my friend had accumulated a friend he followed us back to the crib and to my surprise entered with us. I was thinking hmmmm where is he going to sleep.Well he ended up sleeping in the bed with us , well there was only one bed and no where else to lay. Whatever I was drunk I went to sleep. Any how in my little sleeping I was some what awakened by some movement , then the sound of kissing then seeing my freinds yellow ass. Could it be these dudes are having sex, right next to me . Why I never!!! And I can have a little freak in me but it didn't turn me on in the least bit. I was offended. I would have never guessed they would do that. It was rude and nasty to me for some reason . Hell I probably could have joined in but I was too disgusted. I guess the whole freindship thing overruled. I thought to myself if I had a freind staying over I would never bring a date over. I mean they could fuck some other weekend. And the thing Is I have other places for guest to sleep besides my bed in my apartment and I would never bring a date home . I think thats tacky. Anyhow all this being said I just went right back to sleep. When I woke up again still going on . I said some smart ass comments went back to sleep. I'm sure they continued.
When I woke up I realized that after making out with dude that rode with us to the club I had the biggest purplest hickey ever on my neck but that wasnt goign to throw no salt in my game shiiiit. Funny my friend was doing all the sex and ended up looking like the ho.
So we spent the whole day with jump off dude after awhile he did get tired of my smart ass comments but my issue wasn't with him it was more with my friend who kept blaming it on alcohol. The way I see it though you aren't that drunk if you can get a condom and lube and do the damn thing. When I'm impaired judgement drunk I can not have sex because truth be told fucking a dude I would fall asleep. Now I have done some stuff drunk but hell sex ain't easy drunk (not if you want to do it safely)
So I went to this club R&R the sunday night I was drunk but mildly drunk , I was still tired from the night before. I got a few numbers there, I did very well in dc with the numbers , it was good practice. I then went to B bar after and that was fun also. No one really noticed the hickey on my neck and who cares if they did, I had a great time.
So next I made sure I had a date with one of the dudes before I left dc. And he was so sweet I liked him. He did notice the hickey on my neck and had no problems pointing it out which was funny but we vibed well but its practice. I ended up making it back home mad late , while on the bus I called the guy from thursday ring ring ring no answer hmmm I will leave a message.
(I'm going to devote this post to dc)
So I got there and met up with one of my new friends who I was staying with. One of my old friends in dc invited us to a house party. So I ended up playing monopoly and shit and just chilling that night, we also got a little tipsy and talked. I must say it wasnt the club but there was somehting about this that I did like. I was thinking damn if I had a circle of friends like this in NYC then maybe my life would be more balanced . I hate to admit but I spend alot of time alone. Which drives me to spend too much of my time on the adam 4 adam and the bgc but that is another story for another post.
Saturday my friend and I that I was staying with we headed out to the club. We hit up the delta, a club I have been to quite a few times that I have decided I do not like but whatever. I made sure I was drunk . Before going to the club we stopped by another friends house and again we were in the midst of a get together with a circle of friends, shit I am officially jelouse. I have two gay friends here and we aint never having no gathering or doing anything but going to the club together . Well one we talk almost everyday and we do brunch and shit like that but no circle. Any who I got liquered up and ended up making out with one of the other guys that rode with us. Oh lord that shit was hot. I went in the delta and I was doing it up . Never had that much fun in there. But I must admit I was drunk as hell.I got a few numbers kind of kissed a dude in there I was a complete mess.
On the way back my friend had accumulated a friend he followed us back to the crib and to my surprise entered with us. I was thinking hmmmm where is he going to sleep.Well he ended up sleeping in the bed with us , well there was only one bed and no where else to lay. Whatever I was drunk I went to sleep. Any how in my little sleeping I was some what awakened by some movement , then the sound of kissing then seeing my freinds yellow ass. Could it be these dudes are having sex, right next to me . Why I never!!! And I can have a little freak in me but it didn't turn me on in the least bit. I was offended. I would have never guessed they would do that. It was rude and nasty to me for some reason . Hell I probably could have joined in but I was too disgusted. I guess the whole freindship thing overruled. I thought to myself if I had a freind staying over I would never bring a date over. I mean they could fuck some other weekend. And the thing Is I have other places for guest to sleep besides my bed in my apartment and I would never bring a date home . I think thats tacky. Anyhow all this being said I just went right back to sleep. When I woke up again still going on . I said some smart ass comments went back to sleep. I'm sure they continued.
When I woke up I realized that after making out with dude that rode with us to the club I had the biggest purplest hickey ever on my neck but that wasnt goign to throw no salt in my game shiiiit. Funny my friend was doing all the sex and ended up looking like the ho.
So we spent the whole day with jump off dude after awhile he did get tired of my smart ass comments but my issue wasn't with him it was more with my friend who kept blaming it on alcohol. The way I see it though you aren't that drunk if you can get a condom and lube and do the damn thing. When I'm impaired judgement drunk I can not have sex because truth be told fucking a dude I would fall asleep. Now I have done some stuff drunk but hell sex ain't easy drunk (not if you want to do it safely)
So I went to this club R&R the sunday night I was drunk but mildly drunk , I was still tired from the night before. I got a few numbers there, I did very well in dc with the numbers , it was good practice. I then went to B bar after and that was fun also. No one really noticed the hickey on my neck and who cares if they did, I had a great time.
So next I made sure I had a date with one of the dudes before I left dc. And he was so sweet I liked him. He did notice the hickey on my neck and had no problems pointing it out which was funny but we vibed well but its practice. I ended up making it back home mad late , while on the bus I called the guy from thursday ring ring ring no answer hmmm I will leave a message.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Woo lordy
This boy done worn me out
Ok I know he was too young, point taken. 20 is way to young for me I mean am almost 10 years older then him. But damn homey was sexy I ain't going to lie. Everything was hot however I didn't know kissing him and fooling around would make us connected in a since. The since is he wants me after one day with a passion and my connection is I dont want to break the young boy's heart. He introduced me to his moms, his brother and friends. And we have already had our first disagreement based on PDA . But he lives close and I want to keep shit cool. He has called me about three times today after us meetign up, like I am his man and he wants me to basically drop everything and go spend the night over his house (sidebar: he lives with his moms, they dont have ac, I didn't even see the remnants of a box fan nothing, and I aint trying to be walking over to that side of town this late at night hell nah) He could be a real good mate but he needs to be grown up. He needs to hold his cards and not show it all out in the open. He needs to not let phsyical attraction tell him he wants some one. And I need to date some one older because I know damn well I dont have the energy for this type of shit.
Ok I know he was too young, point taken. 20 is way to young for me I mean am almost 10 years older then him. But damn homey was sexy I ain't going to lie. Everything was hot however I didn't know kissing him and fooling around would make us connected in a since. The since is he wants me after one day with a passion and my connection is I dont want to break the young boy's heart. He introduced me to his moms, his brother and friends. And we have already had our first disagreement based on PDA . But he lives close and I want to keep shit cool. He has called me about three times today after us meetign up, like I am his man and he wants me to basically drop everything and go spend the night over his house (sidebar: he lives with his moms, they dont have ac, I didn't even see the remnants of a box fan nothing, and I aint trying to be walking over to that side of town this late at night hell nah) He could be a real good mate but he needs to be grown up. He needs to hold his cards and not show it all out in the open. He needs to not let phsyical attraction tell him he wants some one. And I need to date some one older because I know damn well I dont have the energy for this type of shit.
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