I dont know if anyone can relate to this but do you have a guy that you was just in love with back in the day. Like a dude that was your road dog that you just loved to death. Maybe it was just me but I am thinking back to this guy that was my friend, we will call him Bajan. I remember the first time I saw Bajan, when I first got to college, I was a mere 18 (oh shit that was 10 years ago). When I first saw him I had been in boston for about 3 days. I think I saw him walking down the street coming out of the dorms and my heart skipped a beat. He was about 5' 7" with dreds, slender, nice jaw line and just fine as fuck, at that time I had decided "this is the finest dude I have ever seen." Through the grapevine I had heard that he was from new york ( oh yes we have something in common) and then I heard he was roomates with my boy I had went to high school with so it was inevitable we would mingle in the same circles.
Anyhow before I went off to the school I made it my business to be in contact with the on campus black association so I was in attendance for the first meeting and there he was. Yes, I had checked him out from a distance for a few days and even from a distance the man made me tingley . I mean damn I had had a crush before but this was beyond that. Anyway the meeting went on and at the end it was my chance to introduce myself. I went over to him and another dude who would become my roomate the next semester. And I said whats up and I fumbled like a motherfucker actually I stuttered so much so that they asked me to repeat myself (this is so funny how vividly I remember this)
Well from that day on we was road dogs, he, I and the guy who would later be my roomate. I remember how we would talk late at night and he would be talking about some girl who hurt his feelings and I would just want to say "fuck them bitches kick it with me, let me kiss your shinny lips". But at the end of the day I always felt he was gay. I always felt like he felt for me like I felt for him. He was always so happy to see me , he always wanted to hang out and for a good 2 years or so he was the love of my life. I had no interest in trying to meet anyone I had him . Anyhow for a hetero he hardly never was trying to kick it to a woman and he was just too cute to be single like that .
In our third year of school I had decided that our relationship wasn't healthy for me. How long was I going to pine away, so I actively decided to distance myself from him . I stopped calling as much and he was datting this girl who was cool peoples and I had finally kind of gotton over him but occassionally we still had our long talks.
The last thing I remember of significance between us was right before graduation, I had come back to boston for a week (I spent the semster in NYC doing an internship). I didn't call him untill I had already been in town for 2 days he proceeded to tell me " so you was going to be in town and I wasn't going to get to see you" (Huh? what? are we a couple or something?) Then for the whole time I was in Boston, 5 more days he refused to answer any of my phone calls (aw damn my baby was hurt). I really felt like I had fucked up but I also felt like I had finally got the confirmation I needed. Any we got to graduation I saw him there, we didn't really discuss what happened earlier I was happy to see him he was happy to see me. And from what I rememebr that was really the last we saw of each other.
The last time we spoke he called me up about 4 years ago out of the blue and we had made plans to meet up which fell through . When I entered the lifestyle more I kind of let that side of my life fade away but I want it back I want to see what has become of him. Today I decided to look him up on myspace, yes he has an account hasn't been used since february, a blank page with nothing on it . I looked him up on aol and yes there was a picture in his profile , damn it was nice to see him , or what he looks like now. I want to make an attempt to get back in contact with him but im scarrred. I wonder if he ever thinks about me , well I think im going to send him an email , I hope he responds , I wish I could find his damn number but who keeps a number for all those years . I wonder if he still gives off that gay vibe . Im going to find him I will keep you all posted.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Friday, July 13, 2007
The Rodney Experiment
So I was watching the secret after being sad and lonely for a minute. I have decided that I do want to be in a relationship. So I sat down and wrote it out like the secret tells you to.
I am happy and greatful now that I have.......
And I listed all of the things that I want. Not the things that I dont want but what I do want. The next step is to act as if you already have it and as they say in the secret the universe will hear and see your glow or energy and the universe will correspond to the nature of your song.
So not only do I have it already I named him and his name is Rodney. And with this out look going out to the clubs last night all I got was a lots of smiles and positive energy , that is great lets see where it takes us.
I am happy and greatful now that I have.......
And I listed all of the things that I want. Not the things that I dont want but what I do want. The next step is to act as if you already have it and as they say in the secret the universe will hear and see your glow or energy and the universe will correspond to the nature of your song.
So not only do I have it already I named him and his name is Rodney. And with this out look going out to the clubs last night all I got was a lots of smiles and positive energy , that is great lets see where it takes us.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Oh lord I done forgot how fly I was again.
I was buggin yesterday but I wont delete that post.
So yeah he did call today. And I was out doing other things. Yes I didn't sleep well last night and yes I was still bugging about it today till he called. Now this is not one of those sweet endings stories but it is the end to the story unfortunately. I got back to the crib called him and got the voisemail again. When I spoke to him earlier he said he was away with family thats why he didnt return my calls (pshh whatever)
As we all know the real comes out and at the end of the day I'm too much for him. Wow, just because I know where I want to be one day as far as children and marraige and all those things I am too much for him and we were taking it too fast. So the real is it wasnt about being with family but it was more about sitting back and thinking damn i'm not ready for this dude.
Well truth be told it took me about a minute to dismiss him after that convo via I.M. and I realized once again lonliness got in the way and I forgot just how fly I was ( ie . I can have another you in a minute ). It's not that serious if you want to slow down go right ahead but I'm pretty sure that I do not want to make another bext friend right now. You either want to be potentially something or we could be nothing at all. And if I am too much for you then you can move on because im not going to go back 6 years just to accomodate some one. Im not willing to or interested in changing who I am. So I am back to where I was, lesson well learned, moving right along not skipping a beat.
So yeah he did call today. And I was out doing other things. Yes I didn't sleep well last night and yes I was still bugging about it today till he called. Now this is not one of those sweet endings stories but it is the end to the story unfortunately. I got back to the crib called him and got the voisemail again. When I spoke to him earlier he said he was away with family thats why he didnt return my calls (pshh whatever)
As we all know the real comes out and at the end of the day I'm too much for him. Wow, just because I know where I want to be one day as far as children and marraige and all those things I am too much for him and we were taking it too fast. So the real is it wasnt about being with family but it was more about sitting back and thinking damn i'm not ready for this dude.
Well truth be told it took me about a minute to dismiss him after that convo via I.M. and I realized once again lonliness got in the way and I forgot just how fly I was ( ie . I can have another you in a minute ). It's not that serious if you want to slow down go right ahead but I'm pretty sure that I do not want to make another bext friend right now. You either want to be potentially something or we could be nothing at all. And if I am too much for you then you can move on because im not going to go back 6 years just to accomodate some one. Im not willing to or interested in changing who I am. So I am back to where I was, lesson well learned, moving right along not skipping a beat.
Monday, July 09, 2007
I am not a ho but I can understand why some one would be one!!!
hmmmm
I totally understand the hoes now and have been seeing where they come from
(well let me start it where it starts)
The dude from last post I spent all day yesterday with him it was great. We chilled we talked and talked and I was really open. I wasn't feeding him what he wanted to hear or sending in my representative, it was none of that. The time we spent together was great. It had to come to an end that day. He wanted to spend the night I was cool with that at first but there was a sense of hesitation. I was thinking I don't want this to go so fast in a way. There are also many other nigths we can spend together, I'm not going any where. I considered maybe going out after he left but I did not. He called when he got home and all was good.
I called him once today left a message went on with my day and whatever. Went to my moms house came back 7 or 8 hours still no call back . I came home called again left another message and I am left where I am now, with that oh so familiar feeling of hmmmm I guess that one is probably over. I dont know how many times one goes through these kinds of situations before they say fuck it, post some dick pics and call it a day.
That being said
I am not a ho but I can understand how some one else would be one .
So when I go on adam next because in a few days I may have an invetable return, I will raise my fist for the pics I see with dicks in the air and asses in the air because at least they keep it real. They are tired of the games and the lack of communication . They dont wait for some one to call they just move on to the next nut because they have given up , what does love have to do with it.
Now let me go watch "the secret" because I am clearly off course right now.
I totally understand the hoes now and have been seeing where they come from
(well let me start it where it starts)
The dude from last post I spent all day yesterday with him it was great. We chilled we talked and talked and I was really open. I wasn't feeding him what he wanted to hear or sending in my representative, it was none of that. The time we spent together was great. It had to come to an end that day. He wanted to spend the night I was cool with that at first but there was a sense of hesitation. I was thinking I don't want this to go so fast in a way. There are also many other nigths we can spend together, I'm not going any where. I considered maybe going out after he left but I did not. He called when he got home and all was good.
I called him once today left a message went on with my day and whatever. Went to my moms house came back 7 or 8 hours still no call back . I came home called again left another message and I am left where I am now, with that oh so familiar feeling of hmmmm I guess that one is probably over. I dont know how many times one goes through these kinds of situations before they say fuck it, post some dick pics and call it a day.
That being said
I am not a ho but I can understand how some one else would be one .
So when I go on adam next because in a few days I may have an invetable return, I will raise my fist for the pics I see with dicks in the air and asses in the air because at least they keep it real. They are tired of the games and the lack of communication . They dont wait for some one to call they just move on to the next nut because they have given up , what does love have to do with it.
Now let me go watch "the secret" because I am clearly off course right now.
Saturday, July 07, 2007
I exhaled last night
I mean wow
Well I have been doing bgc hard these days. There was a dude on there I met from adam and he stated hitting me up again. I have been extremely reluctant to meet up with him because basically he never really sent me a pic. i mean not one I could tell what he looked liek from anyhow. well yesterday out of sheer boredom I decided to exchange numbers with him. I always kept in mind that he does live close. We talked and I just had diarhea of the mouth (my elementary teachers always called it that). I was telling dude everything about me , stuff I really dont tell people anymore I talked about the hoe and heartbreak days alike. He listened he commented , all I could think is damn we would make good friends in the least bit.
I decided we would meet up later, my homegirl came over and we chilled ended up going out to eat . In the back of my mind I was thinking oh no I hope dude doesn't call because I dont even have my phone on me. Any how he didnt call until I was in about 10 mintues of getting to my house. We talked and my hesitation set in again at almost 11 pm he was asking me if I wanted to come over and chill. For some reason I was like aight lets go .
He lives close but not a place I have ever been on the way over. I almost had a panic attack because a rat was walking across my pathway. oh boy on top of my nervousniss this boy is going to hear me have a panic attack. Anyhow I got to the building and I waited downstairs , I was nervous as fuck. Bam in he comes and my inner mental jaw dropped. But I didn't go crazy I didn't know if he liked me or even thought I was cute .
Well we chilled in the house watched tv the whole time im thinking oh man does he like me I dont know. So I did what I do best I just played it cool. We talked a little and then I got really into the tv that was until he hit me in the head with his pillow and I threw it back and everytime I got to into the tv he hit me in the head again. And he kept hitting me in the head till I got the message. (ding dong) He wants my attention. I gave it to him, first it started looking at his finger nails and I talked to him real close, I looked in his eyes I was right there with him I mean right there.
Oh shit
oh shit
something in happening here
for some reason I burried my head in his neck and he sure did smell good
I did that two more times and he burried his head in mind I knew this was the prelude to a kiss.
The next time was a kiss. an upside down kiss . Damn that shit was good, I felt what I have been wanting to feel for the longest ****tingly**** hell yeah and I exhaled..........
Well I have been doing bgc hard these days. There was a dude on there I met from adam and he stated hitting me up again. I have been extremely reluctant to meet up with him because basically he never really sent me a pic. i mean not one I could tell what he looked liek from anyhow. well yesterday out of sheer boredom I decided to exchange numbers with him. I always kept in mind that he does live close. We talked and I just had diarhea of the mouth (my elementary teachers always called it that). I was telling dude everything about me , stuff I really dont tell people anymore I talked about the hoe and heartbreak days alike. He listened he commented , all I could think is damn we would make good friends in the least bit.
I decided we would meet up later, my homegirl came over and we chilled ended up going out to eat . In the back of my mind I was thinking oh no I hope dude doesn't call because I dont even have my phone on me. Any how he didnt call until I was in about 10 mintues of getting to my house. We talked and my hesitation set in again at almost 11 pm he was asking me if I wanted to come over and chill. For some reason I was like aight lets go .
He lives close but not a place I have ever been on the way over. I almost had a panic attack because a rat was walking across my pathway. oh boy on top of my nervousniss this boy is going to hear me have a panic attack. Anyhow I got to the building and I waited downstairs , I was nervous as fuck. Bam in he comes and my inner mental jaw dropped. But I didn't go crazy I didn't know if he liked me or even thought I was cute .
Well we chilled in the house watched tv the whole time im thinking oh man does he like me I dont know. So I did what I do best I just played it cool. We talked a little and then I got really into the tv that was until he hit me in the head with his pillow and I threw it back and everytime I got to into the tv he hit me in the head again. And he kept hitting me in the head till I got the message. (ding dong) He wants my attention. I gave it to him, first it started looking at his finger nails and I talked to him real close, I looked in his eyes I was right there with him I mean right there.
Oh shit
oh shit
something in happening here
for some reason I burried my head in his neck and he sure did smell good
I did that two more times and he burried his head in mind I knew this was the prelude to a kiss.
The next time was a kiss. an upside down kiss . Damn that shit was good, I felt what I have been wanting to feel for the longest ****tingly**** hell yeah and I exhaled..........
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
I owe the Chicago trip post
Hmmm
Well im not one to run down every event so I guess I will summerize it. I will start by saying the beginning of the trip was cute. Even the first night where the club was empty I was talking to people and being social actually the whole trip I was talking to strangers , nice strangers. Even Lois the tranny who we bumped into who my detroit buddy made fun of . I personally though of Lois as hmmm, I have come a long way I stood there and conversed with Lois casting no judgement she was quite a character although she invaded personal space she seemed to have a good spirit and thats all that matters at the end of the day. But 4 years ago I would have been scared to even have a convo lol.
The majority of the trip was spent in traffic. My main issue with the whole trip was thier was a cloud of negativity looming over it and no matter how much I tried to lighten the mood even after my contacts were washed down the drain my Detroits friend that could of negativity was not leaving . My boy Detroit wasnt feeling the club thing, and i guess i can understand that . Everyone doesnt embrace that aspect of the culture like I do. I think one of my high lights of the trip was the last day when I went to the festival. Although I was all alone I just love to see our people outside of the club. All I could think to myself is damn It must be great to be str8 because they live in this setting always. Anyhow I met this dude from adam there at first I felt as though I wouldnt be attracted to him because well.... his voice was kind of high but I met up with him anyhow and thank god I did. We had such a nice date and he really began to turn me on with his intelligence and the level of conversation we had. He was real cool people . When we shook hands before he left all I could think was damn I want to fuck him. I went back to the hotel and didn't feel liek doing the train to go to the club so I fell asleep thinking about the hot sex we could have had lol ( it s the summer im so horny this is not me talking its the horny me talking excuse it)
Well im not one to run down every event so I guess I will summerize it. I will start by saying the beginning of the trip was cute. Even the first night where the club was empty I was talking to people and being social actually the whole trip I was talking to strangers , nice strangers. Even Lois the tranny who we bumped into who my detroit buddy made fun of . I personally though of Lois as hmmm, I have come a long way I stood there and conversed with Lois casting no judgement she was quite a character although she invaded personal space she seemed to have a good spirit and thats all that matters at the end of the day. But 4 years ago I would have been scared to even have a convo lol.
The majority of the trip was spent in traffic. My main issue with the whole trip was thier was a cloud of negativity looming over it and no matter how much I tried to lighten the mood even after my contacts were washed down the drain my Detroits friend that could of negativity was not leaving . My boy Detroit wasnt feeling the club thing, and i guess i can understand that . Everyone doesnt embrace that aspect of the culture like I do. I think one of my high lights of the trip was the last day when I went to the festival. Although I was all alone I just love to see our people outside of the club. All I could think to myself is damn It must be great to be str8 because they live in this setting always. Anyhow I met this dude from adam there at first I felt as though I wouldnt be attracted to him because well.... his voice was kind of high but I met up with him anyhow and thank god I did. We had such a nice date and he really began to turn me on with his intelligence and the level of conversation we had. He was real cool people . When we shook hands before he left all I could think was damn I want to fuck him. I went back to the hotel and didn't feel liek doing the train to go to the club so I fell asleep thinking about the hot sex we could have had lol ( it s the summer im so horny this is not me talking its the horny me talking excuse it)
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