Im going to Throw it Back for a minute

So my 28th birthday was on saturday
In honor of my birthday my mom had me and my brother (my twin ) over for dinner. Everything was great. I am getting used to all of these extra people that are becoming a part of our family. Namely my older brothers girlfreind/baby mama, her son, my new nephew and my other brother's girlfreind. On past occassions these people all made me nervous and made me think I never have anyone to bring home. Anyhow a pivitol moment in the whole day for me was looking at old pictures. I hadnt seen some of these pictures before. One of the pictures that stood out to me most was one of myself standing on the sidewalk near my moms old apartment. The picture was taken probably a few months after I had first started my locs. At the time I was about 21 and that picture took me way back. All I could do is think of who I was and how I felt at that moment.

Who was I at 21. Well I was a good 50-60 pounds more then I weigh now and it really showed. I never thought that was what I looked like. Seeing that picture made me want to cry . At that time I was so closed in and really kept myself away from the world. There was really no life in me . I was shy, I was to myself and I had no life. And on top of all that I was gay . Not only was I feeling like an outcast in the straight world because of my sexuality but in the gay world I would have also been an outcast because of my weight. What an ax to bear. I had no desire to even explore the gay world because all I would hear was no fats, when I saw adds. I was so sad and depressed at that time and all that was written all over my face in that picture.

I have come a long way. I didn't enter the gay world until I lost weight and even after losing so much there was still more to go because I felt I had to fit a certain image. Eventhough I have never gained back the weight I first lost I still struggle with a good 20 pounds. I have just entered a space where I feel as though I am not going to stress over those 20 pounds. I am not fat any longer. And I am also not going to measure myself by a standard that is not too attainable for me. My genetic make up makes it hard for me to be rail thin and cut up like the rest of the gay community but I am who I am and I am still hot to death.

Being closer to 30 is hot to death, I am really beginning not to care what people have to say or think. It is really making since these days .