This happens to be my favorite line of 2008. I think I heard it on Oprah or something. I say this phrase so much to my homegirl that she is sick of hearing it. It is so funny though how I can go back to so many instances in my life where I can begin to take the ownership of things that I used to blame others for doing. People only do what you allow them to do to you, what you show them is ok to do to you.
"I didnt have much to say I just wanted to share that quote."
Friday, August 01, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Adendum to the previous post
Hmmm
So I read that post again. I read , I thought about it played it out again in my head and I thought wow what a waste of time that was . I mean the post is true to its self and what I was going through at the moment. But how amazing life would be if I didn't put myself through half the shit others put me through. GI put me through enough did I need to waste days mulling over it putting myself through it three times as worse. Anyhow just working on me.
So I read that post again. I read , I thought about it played it out again in my head and I thought wow what a waste of time that was . I mean the post is true to its self and what I was going through at the moment. But how amazing life would be if I didn't put myself through half the shit others put me through. GI put me through enough did I need to waste days mulling over it putting myself through it three times as worse. Anyhow just working on me.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Fool of me
"I remember when you filled my heart with joy
Was I blind to the truth just there to fill the space
Cause now you have no interest in anything I have to say
And I have allowed you to make me feel dumb
What kind of fool am I that you so easily set me aside
You made a fool of me
Tell me why
You say that you dont care but we made love
Tell me why
You made a fool of me you made a fool of me
I want to kiss you
Does she want you with the pain that I do
I smell you in my dreams
But now when were face to face you wont look me in the eye
No time no friendship no love
Dont say dont touch you I cant touch you no more
Cant touch you any more any more
I dont touch you anymore You made a fool of me
Tell me why
You say that you dont care but we made love
Tell me why
You made a fool of me you made a fool of me"
Fool Of Me by Meshell N'degeocello
So I sat on the bus on the way back to New York and I did what I always do when my feelings are hurt. I put on my ipod selected Meshell and started up the "Bitter"cd. This is probably the #1 break up CD I know. Everytime I am hurt by some one I listen to this CD. So the intro started to the first song and once I heard those strings I knew it was going to be a long ride home. It wasn't even a minute and a half in before the tears started falling. Big Brotha Jesus was looking out for me on this bus because every seat was taken except the one next to me so I took off my shoes pulled up my feet and had a cry.
Well that was actually the second cry that day. Sometimes I feel like a phony I walk through life with this tough ass exterior only hiding the reality that I am just as sensitive now as I ever was. Oh god Meshell was taking me through it. Now my heart breaks of course aren't as intence as what she feels on this cd but as small as they are and as short as the connections are they still deal a blow to my heart and my self esteem.
I arrived in DC on a friday with this sence of excitement and caution. Finally I would get a chance to chill with him, we will call him G.I. for short because he is a military man . GI and I met during memorial day weeekend when I went down to DC for black gay pride. Now truth be told DC is no longer where people really go for memorial day weekend but it was cheap for me because I have freinds who live there so it was all good. GI and I met at a club the second night I was in DC. We talked on the phone and the next day after the club I went over to his house and we had great spontaneous sex. It was delicious. Since then I kept in contact with him. After a few cancelations on his behalf and mine I finally made it to DC.
We had been talking on the phone on almost a dailly basis. I had kind of gotten to really know GI and felt like wow what is this . While on one hand I knew I didn't want a long distance relationship I still let it go on because hey I liked the dude. I often asked myself what was the purpose and what would come of this but I figured why not play with it and keep it going.
So he meets me at the bus stop and picks me up. Everything is cool. First thing we do is go back to his place and chill till dinner time. At dinner time we meet up with some friends of his and we eat and talk . At first I was a little uncomfortable but I warmed up after a while. Later on that night we end up club hoping. Hmmmm, red flag, why would I go to the club with some one I was trying to holla at . But I was like whatever, we get home from the club and of course I try to put on my moves, to which he turns me down and goes to sleep. Wow, that has never happened to me before . The next day we discussed it and he spoke of how tired he was. By this point I was kind of over him and preparing myself for the worse and calling up my friends who I had ditched in DC for the weekend to make sure if I needed an emergency pick up it would be avaialble. So I had three friends on stand by.
GI turned out pretty much not to be what I expected and he did a pretty good job of making me feel not wanted. He did a good job of making me confused. He did a good job of controlling the whole weekend and situation. If he wanted to kiss we kissed. If he wanted to cuddle we cuddled. If he wanted to have sex we had sex but we didnt ( we didn't have sex the whole weekend .) I know that it is written somewhere in the gay bylaws that if you travel a good distance to see some one they have to give you sex. So the whole weekend ended with me feeling dumped even though that may not have been the case. He said he liked me, we kissed cuddled and talked but I still felt extremely rejected. There was also the factor that he worked both days while I was in town which left me trapped in his apartment starving.
The last I saw of him was when he rushed me out of his apartment because he had to head back to work for some unexpected overtime. I sat on the side walk in the hot ass sun eating a cheese burger and fries out of a paper bag feeling lower then low. That was when I cried the first time. I felt like no matter what his feeligs were he made a fool of me. All the time wasted for what. I mean, why invite me if you aren't going to have time for me. And also why take me out clubbin. It was all a waste of time and no ass on top of that. I got the whole "you are the type of guy you keep around not the type you fuck and leave "speech to which I wanted to scream "tell that to my throbbing dick he's not trying to hear that."
So now what.....
It's 4 days later, is he expecting me to call. Do I call. Was I rejected. Did I Carry Bradshaw this one (over annalyze).
Was I blind to the truth just there to fill the space
Cause now you have no interest in anything I have to say
And I have allowed you to make me feel dumb
What kind of fool am I that you so easily set me aside
You made a fool of me
Tell me why
You say that you dont care but we made love
Tell me why
You made a fool of me you made a fool of me
I want to kiss you
Does she want you with the pain that I do
I smell you in my dreams
But now when were face to face you wont look me in the eye
No time no friendship no love
Dont say dont touch you I cant touch you no more
Cant touch you any more any more
I dont touch you anymore You made a fool of me
Tell me why
You say that you dont care but we made love
Tell me why
You made a fool of me you made a fool of me"
Fool Of Me by Meshell N'degeocello
So I sat on the bus on the way back to New York and I did what I always do when my feelings are hurt. I put on my ipod selected Meshell and started up the "Bitter"cd. This is probably the #1 break up CD I know. Everytime I am hurt by some one I listen to this CD. So the intro started to the first song and once I heard those strings I knew it was going to be a long ride home. It wasn't even a minute and a half in before the tears started falling. Big Brotha Jesus was looking out for me on this bus because every seat was taken except the one next to me so I took off my shoes pulled up my feet and had a cry.
Well that was actually the second cry that day. Sometimes I feel like a phony I walk through life with this tough ass exterior only hiding the reality that I am just as sensitive now as I ever was. Oh god Meshell was taking me through it. Now my heart breaks of course aren't as intence as what she feels on this cd but as small as they are and as short as the connections are they still deal a blow to my heart and my self esteem.
I arrived in DC on a friday with this sence of excitement and caution. Finally I would get a chance to chill with him, we will call him G.I. for short because he is a military man . GI and I met during memorial day weeekend when I went down to DC for black gay pride. Now truth be told DC is no longer where people really go for memorial day weekend but it was cheap for me because I have freinds who live there so it was all good. GI and I met at a club the second night I was in DC. We talked on the phone and the next day after the club I went over to his house and we had great spontaneous sex. It was delicious. Since then I kept in contact with him. After a few cancelations on his behalf and mine I finally made it to DC.
We had been talking on the phone on almost a dailly basis. I had kind of gotten to really know GI and felt like wow what is this . While on one hand I knew I didn't want a long distance relationship I still let it go on because hey I liked the dude. I often asked myself what was the purpose and what would come of this but I figured why not play with it and keep it going.
So he meets me at the bus stop and picks me up. Everything is cool. First thing we do is go back to his place and chill till dinner time. At dinner time we meet up with some friends of his and we eat and talk . At first I was a little uncomfortable but I warmed up after a while. Later on that night we end up club hoping. Hmmmm, red flag, why would I go to the club with some one I was trying to holla at . But I was like whatever, we get home from the club and of course I try to put on my moves, to which he turns me down and goes to sleep. Wow, that has never happened to me before . The next day we discussed it and he spoke of how tired he was. By this point I was kind of over him and preparing myself for the worse and calling up my friends who I had ditched in DC for the weekend to make sure if I needed an emergency pick up it would be avaialble. So I had three friends on stand by.
GI turned out pretty much not to be what I expected and he did a pretty good job of making me feel not wanted. He did a good job of making me confused. He did a good job of controlling the whole weekend and situation. If he wanted to kiss we kissed. If he wanted to cuddle we cuddled. If he wanted to have sex we had sex but we didnt ( we didn't have sex the whole weekend .) I know that it is written somewhere in the gay bylaws that if you travel a good distance to see some one they have to give you sex. So the whole weekend ended with me feeling dumped even though that may not have been the case. He said he liked me, we kissed cuddled and talked but I still felt extremely rejected. There was also the factor that he worked both days while I was in town which left me trapped in his apartment starving.
The last I saw of him was when he rushed me out of his apartment because he had to head back to work for some unexpected overtime. I sat on the side walk in the hot ass sun eating a cheese burger and fries out of a paper bag feeling lower then low. That was when I cried the first time. I felt like no matter what his feeligs were he made a fool of me. All the time wasted for what. I mean, why invite me if you aren't going to have time for me. And also why take me out clubbin. It was all a waste of time and no ass on top of that. I got the whole "you are the type of guy you keep around not the type you fuck and leave "speech to which I wanted to scream "tell that to my throbbing dick he's not trying to hear that."
So now what.....
It's 4 days later, is he expecting me to call. Do I call. Was I rejected. Did I Carry Bradshaw this one (over annalyze).
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Alone
Oh my God I spend so much time alone. I mean not that I want anyone to feel sorry for me,but damn I spend so much time alone. Sometimes even when I am with people I am alone. What's the black gay man's biggest fear "being alone." What's the almost 30 black gay mans biggest reality "he is alone ."
In hindsight maybe he was the guy for me. Like maybe the fact that he spent the night on our first date wasn't an issue. Well that's not an issue maybe an issue was he came packed to spend the night on our first date. And another issue was, I said "ok" after not ever meeting him. But then again I saw all I needed to see online. Almost every tasteful nook and cranny and we talked a few weeks so I guess it doesn't seem as odd. But was it that feeling he gave off, that thirst that some of us damn near 30 gay men have. That thirst to be loved. That feeling of shit it aint getting no better I need to get me this man I aint getting younger. Shit he was probably tired of being alone . I know I was.
He like I had a great job.
He like I was good looking.
He like I would have made a woman an excillent husband any day nder different circumstances.
He like I was alone almost 30 and had been through it.
So we slept together he felt good to sleep with. Or was it just that it had been so long since some one had slept in my bed that it was nice. In the mornig we showered got dressed and went to work. He called, I called, he stopped calling and left the ball in my court. I never learned to dribble so I dropped the ball. He gave me a few jaded text and messages online. I saw him at the club the other night he looked so happy to see me I wanted to tell him sorry but my pride would never allow me to admit it.
I wanted to say sorry I led you on.
Sorry I got turned off because you made it to easy for me.
Sorry I went back to the youngins.
I wanted to say sorry come spend another night and lets free our "over the hill" asses from this loneliness.
Instead I said nothing I drank some more felt fabulous picked my head up and stood on my pillar of artificial self esteem.
I left the club alone.
I went home alone.
I woke up alone.
Alone
In hindsight maybe he was the guy for me. Like maybe the fact that he spent the night on our first date wasn't an issue. Well that's not an issue maybe an issue was he came packed to spend the night on our first date. And another issue was, I said "ok" after not ever meeting him. But then again I saw all I needed to see online. Almost every tasteful nook and cranny and we talked a few weeks so I guess it doesn't seem as odd. But was it that feeling he gave off, that thirst that some of us damn near 30 gay men have. That thirst to be loved. That feeling of shit it aint getting no better I need to get me this man I aint getting younger. Shit he was probably tired of being alone . I know I was.
He like I had a great job.
He like I was good looking.
He like I would have made a woman an excillent husband any day nder different circumstances.
He like I was alone almost 30 and had been through it.
So we slept together he felt good to sleep with. Or was it just that it had been so long since some one had slept in my bed that it was nice. In the mornig we showered got dressed and went to work. He called, I called, he stopped calling and left the ball in my court. I never learned to dribble so I dropped the ball. He gave me a few jaded text and messages online. I saw him at the club the other night he looked so happy to see me I wanted to tell him sorry but my pride would never allow me to admit it.
I wanted to say sorry I led you on.
Sorry I got turned off because you made it to easy for me.
Sorry I went back to the youngins.
I wanted to say sorry come spend another night and lets free our "over the hill" asses from this loneliness.
Instead I said nothing I drank some more felt fabulous picked my head up and stood on my pillar of artificial self esteem.
I left the club alone.
I went home alone.
I woke up alone.
Alone
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Getting sick= God's way of telling you to sit down and think.
So I have been going non stop lately between the gym, work, diet and dating ofcourse. I have been going and running on no fuel. I know for a fact 4-5 hours a night isn't enough to run on considering that leaves about 20 or 19 hours of activity. So as a result I end up getting sick. The cool thing about being almost 30 is I know my body like never before and I know the minute I'm going to get a cold or something.
So I was out a few nights ago with a guy who I always thought back on as one of the ones that I let get away. The funny thing is how my moms says "all the thing you need to know will come and sit in your lap one day, there is no need to go searching to find out". This was maybe the worse date I have ever been on. Dude sat there the whole time on his cell. When he wasn't on his cell he was talking about other dudes in the restaurant and the dl dude at his job typical "tired ass fag convo "( excuse the air of negativity but I'm just keeping it real for a minute.) So I begin to feel like a wet food stamp , shit I didnt know what it was a date or were we friends or was I really the chump I was being played for.
Well flash back , me and this dude fell off years ago initially because I was going through one of my usual flacky phases. So any how some time afterward he told me how much he was feeling me and how much I hurt him. I guess this date was some sort of payback or maybe he was so comfortable with me he was being him self. I wanted to be done with this date quicker then it started and yes I had to pay because apparently when I was drunk I told him I would take him out for his birthday ( oh yeah im pretty convinced that I am having some problems with my alcohol also I will begin to work on it when my birthday weekend is over lol).
I rememebr sitting in the restaurant and flirting with a guy at the next table and I almost did the unthinkable just as a fuck you to this guy who was sitting in front of a top knotch dude wasting his time and money like he wasn't shit. But I did nothing I just sat there while he had endless casual convo after convo and even sipped on some english dudes drink . And I ate the negative energy and ate it . When he dropped me off at home he wanted a good night kiss and asked me if I would take him out to the movies on friday to which I responded I would be having house guest and he called me a whore.
Neeedles to say I woke up the next morning feeling like crap . I had let some one drain me and I was sick from that moment till now . In all honesty it was a lesson well learned, I will no longer blame cutting him off in the past as me being flaky. I cut him off because I sensed some "bitchness in him" as puffy would say ( damn I cant believe I just quoted that freak.) The only difference was I second guessed it all once my options started to dry up. A classic pattern for me is that once my options start to dry up I start to review past situations and people and think about how I could have stuck it out a little longer or just how I was being so flaky. No it is none of the above I ended the shit because it wouldn't work . Nice body , good head, yada yada woopdie woo it wasnt going to work so what was the purpose.
So know that I am sick living off of fucking motrins because I hate to take anything that will make me drowsy I have had some time to think on some things, thank god.
1) Stop looking for love
2) Stop dating youngins
3) Although they may look good they aint ready
4) Stop back peddling, keep moving forward
5) I have to quit my job, It is noble work but noble is synonomous with bad pay.
So any how while I have been sick there has been a whole lot of laying on the couch watching shows I never watch, also playing in is the fact that my cable is fucked up and I am only watching the channels that come in . So I was watching this show on Monique the comedianne's life. She was talking about how she walked into work and quit her job at MCI and told her supervisor how she was going to be a super star and she had nothing to fall back on or no other options and a 2 year old son. Wow I have been thinking thats what I need to do to get where I have to go. Truth be told maybe I could pursue my dreams at my current job but again it drains me. So much thinking and so little doing that is the problem. Don't know if I will quit my job like Monique yet but I know that changing schools was supposed to be better for me but I still feel like I am not serving my purpose at all.
It's funny a few weeks ago I was at G bar, which is a white gay bar in nyc , some place I would probably never go but some how we ended up there. While at the bar this guy came up to me and began to give me a psychic reading . He told me " there was somehting in my life that I was scared of persuing because I was a ffraid I wouldnt be able to support myself financially." After looking at him like where the fuck did you come from I was thinking I know where he came from . I needed to be brought back to reality. He told me all I had to do was pursue what it was I was a fraid to do and I would be fine ." I am ready to take that step on faith.
Stay tuned
So I was out a few nights ago with a guy who I always thought back on as one of the ones that I let get away. The funny thing is how my moms says "all the thing you need to know will come and sit in your lap one day, there is no need to go searching to find out". This was maybe the worse date I have ever been on. Dude sat there the whole time on his cell. When he wasn't on his cell he was talking about other dudes in the restaurant and the dl dude at his job typical "tired ass fag convo "( excuse the air of negativity but I'm just keeping it real for a minute.) So I begin to feel like a wet food stamp , shit I didnt know what it was a date or were we friends or was I really the chump I was being played for.
Well flash back , me and this dude fell off years ago initially because I was going through one of my usual flacky phases. So any how some time afterward he told me how much he was feeling me and how much I hurt him. I guess this date was some sort of payback or maybe he was so comfortable with me he was being him self. I wanted to be done with this date quicker then it started and yes I had to pay because apparently when I was drunk I told him I would take him out for his birthday ( oh yeah im pretty convinced that I am having some problems with my alcohol also I will begin to work on it when my birthday weekend is over lol).
I rememebr sitting in the restaurant and flirting with a guy at the next table and I almost did the unthinkable just as a fuck you to this guy who was sitting in front of a top knotch dude wasting his time and money like he wasn't shit. But I did nothing I just sat there while he had endless casual convo after convo and even sipped on some english dudes drink . And I ate the negative energy and ate it . When he dropped me off at home he wanted a good night kiss and asked me if I would take him out to the movies on friday to which I responded I would be having house guest and he called me a whore.
Neeedles to say I woke up the next morning feeling like crap . I had let some one drain me and I was sick from that moment till now . In all honesty it was a lesson well learned, I will no longer blame cutting him off in the past as me being flaky. I cut him off because I sensed some "bitchness in him" as puffy would say ( damn I cant believe I just quoted that freak.) The only difference was I second guessed it all once my options started to dry up. A classic pattern for me is that once my options start to dry up I start to review past situations and people and think about how I could have stuck it out a little longer or just how I was being so flaky. No it is none of the above I ended the shit because it wouldn't work . Nice body , good head, yada yada woopdie woo it wasnt going to work so what was the purpose.
So know that I am sick living off of fucking motrins because I hate to take anything that will make me drowsy I have had some time to think on some things, thank god.
1) Stop looking for love
2) Stop dating youngins
3) Although they may look good they aint ready
4) Stop back peddling, keep moving forward
5) I have to quit my job, It is noble work but noble is synonomous with bad pay.
So any how while I have been sick there has been a whole lot of laying on the couch watching shows I never watch, also playing in is the fact that my cable is fucked up and I am only watching the channels that come in . So I was watching this show on Monique the comedianne's life. She was talking about how she walked into work and quit her job at MCI and told her supervisor how she was going to be a super star and she had nothing to fall back on or no other options and a 2 year old son. Wow I have been thinking thats what I need to do to get where I have to go. Truth be told maybe I could pursue my dreams at my current job but again it drains me. So much thinking and so little doing that is the problem. Don't know if I will quit my job like Monique yet but I know that changing schools was supposed to be better for me but I still feel like I am not serving my purpose at all.
It's funny a few weeks ago I was at G bar, which is a white gay bar in nyc , some place I would probably never go but some how we ended up there. While at the bar this guy came up to me and began to give me a psychic reading . He told me " there was somehting in my life that I was scared of persuing because I was a ffraid I wouldnt be able to support myself financially." After looking at him like where the fuck did you come from I was thinking I know where he came from . I needed to be brought back to reality. He told me all I had to do was pursue what it was I was a fraid to do and I would be fine ." I am ready to take that step on faith.
Stay tuned
Friday, February 22, 2008
What kind of fuckery is this?
Continuing with the Amy Winehouse theme
What kind of fuckery is this, I mean really? #1
Mr. Sexy
1st text: I want to c u
2nd text: Thinkin about you
( so im game and like lets meet up he says yes)
next text: I just got home in Jersey , the buses don't run well , if I come to meet you I may have to spend the night yada yada yada, wa wa wonk wa wa
he didnt show up
the next day text messaging :yada yada yada , I got locked out the house , homie I'm staying with aint got the keys, yada yada woopdie woo, I gotta pick up my guitar . I am back in jersey Im tired as hell I can't come through (I personally was at the bar getting my drink on flirting been done moved on)
What kind of Fuckery is this?
I know exactly what kind of fuckery it is. Hmm, let me go through my memory file and get a few pointers.
1) Always text you and uses minimal phone calling
2) Bullshits you all day and cancels
3) Keeps you hanging on (or at least thinks he is )
Answer: This mofo has a man
I know he cant be that confused and flaky
To be continued..... We had such a great vibe at the club I hope I am wrong (giving myself the girl please eye.)
What kind of Fucker is this, I mean really? #2
Im at a bar last night (where I was while Mr. Sexy was texting me)
We will call him Sparkle (because there is something shiney about him, I just can't put my finger on it.)
Sparkle came up to me and here is the Dialogue
Sparkle: You are a teacher right?
Kindacleva: Yes I am
Sparkle: Do you remember me?
Kindacleva: yes
Sparkle: you was so drunk the night we met
Kindacleva: I know , But I remember you
Sparkle: How are the kids, How is work?
Kindacleva: Great
(and he walks away)
Now the whole time I was acting like a shady mofo. Usually when I want to talk to some one I ask questions and I engage myself in the convo.
Back Story: I met him on the train on the way home from the club in the summer. I was drunk but not whiteboy drunk I knew what was going on. We exchanged numbers and set up to chill the next day. Upon which he asked if I would be cooking dinner. I hadn't planned to but I thought dude was cute so I went out to do some light grocery shopping to cook him something. He was supposed to show up at 8 . He never showed up, never called, nothing.
Back to the bar
I am walking through the bar and he stops me again.
Sparkle: Are you leaving
Kindacleva: No
Sparkle: Oh ok, How come you never called me
Kindacleva: I did , I called planned for us to meet and when the time came you never showed up.
Sparkle: No not true, you never called
(He looked like he was telling the truth but I'm no fucking freshmen , he rememdered who I was and all, I was giving him the girl please eye and he never caught on to it.)
Kindacleva: I did
Sparkle: well lets exchange numbers
Kindacleva: ok (thinking whatever lets see what he does) I will give you my number
Sparkle: My phone is in my jacket pocket I will give you mine and you can give me a call.
Kindacleva: No I will send you a text and you call me.
Sparkle: Ok I will do that
What kind of Fuckery is this?
I know exactly what kind of fuckery this is , going into the memory file again.
1) you made plans he totally flaked out, didn't even cancel, he just didn't show up. Haven't heard from him since.
2) He sees you out and finally gets up the nerve to speak (his bourgious ass had a few sips of the red wine and he is feeling sexy and got some balls)
Answer: This mofo just wants to get back in. He saw me out and was like damn I fucked that up let me see if I could get back in. And he just knows because he got this cute little ass when he gives me his number im just going to jump on it (that's where the red wine came in.)
Why did he cancel, who knows maybe his steady dick was headed over, and why chance new dick you never seen for the old one you know well. Or maybe he fell asleep (girl please eyes). Or maybe he was playing a game and wanted to see if I would chase him .
Now all that being said if he wanted back in he would have gotten mad respect if he just walked up to me and appologized for what he did. He really wouldn't have even had to tell me why he did what he did . Appologize be a man about it and I gotta respect that and I will kick it with you if i am bored twitling my fingers and have completely ran out of shit to watch on x tube and ran completely out of vaseline.
What Kind of fuckery is this I mean really? #3
So this dude I have known for a few years and we see each other out, we have been meaning to kick it for years and every now and then we get consistent. His only problem is he wants to be pursued and I don't do that, it's never thats serious 50 50 with me or nothing. I did recently troop it out to "Carajo Land" (newyourican for west bubblefuck) to go to a party he was having that was lame. Considering how far I went for him I would think that would show initiative . So he sends me this text.
" I am home from my trip n have a week off, whats good when we chillin"
I responded
"wednesday"
Wednesday came and he he hit me up online saying , "Oh we supposed to chill and you never even called" to which I never responded, because I was like shit if you want to chill why should I have to chase you around like your a little girl.
Today I get a text that says
"Had the week off, thanks to those who chose to chill with me for those who didn't spring cleaning is coming up n yes this is a group message"
What kind of Fuckery is this?
Hmm checking my memory file ............. coming up blank
This is some new fuckery. I have always thought this dude was sending mass text where I was concerned. I am left to assume his first text was a mass text and probably all the text he sends me are. How fucking tacky is that. I mean I get my playa playa on myself but I would have never sent a text thanking all those that took me out on a date this week and then vilifying those who didn't and telling them they will be erased. Mofo erase me because I don't give a rats ass. He got a nice little booty though but what he fails to realize is he is old school now and there is nice new 22 and 23 year old booty on the scene so him erasing my number isn't going to affect me not one bit.
What kind of fuckery is this, I mean really? #1
Mr. Sexy
1st text: I want to c u
2nd text: Thinkin about you
( so im game and like lets meet up he says yes)
next text: I just got home in Jersey , the buses don't run well , if I come to meet you I may have to spend the night yada yada yada, wa wa wonk wa wa
he didnt show up
the next day text messaging :yada yada yada , I got locked out the house , homie I'm staying with aint got the keys, yada yada woopdie woo, I gotta pick up my guitar . I am back in jersey Im tired as hell I can't come through (I personally was at the bar getting my drink on flirting been done moved on)
What kind of Fuckery is this?
I know exactly what kind of fuckery it is. Hmm, let me go through my memory file and get a few pointers.
1) Always text you and uses minimal phone calling
2) Bullshits you all day and cancels
3) Keeps you hanging on (or at least thinks he is )
Answer: This mofo has a man
I know he cant be that confused and flaky
To be continued..... We had such a great vibe at the club I hope I am wrong (giving myself the girl please eye.)
What kind of Fucker is this, I mean really? #2
Im at a bar last night (where I was while Mr. Sexy was texting me)
We will call him Sparkle (because there is something shiney about him, I just can't put my finger on it.)
Sparkle came up to me and here is the Dialogue
Sparkle: You are a teacher right?
Kindacleva: Yes I am
Sparkle: Do you remember me?
Kindacleva: yes
Sparkle: you was so drunk the night we met
Kindacleva: I know , But I remember you
Sparkle: How are the kids, How is work?
Kindacleva: Great
(and he walks away)
Now the whole time I was acting like a shady mofo. Usually when I want to talk to some one I ask questions and I engage myself in the convo.
Back Story: I met him on the train on the way home from the club in the summer. I was drunk but not whiteboy drunk I knew what was going on. We exchanged numbers and set up to chill the next day. Upon which he asked if I would be cooking dinner. I hadn't planned to but I thought dude was cute so I went out to do some light grocery shopping to cook him something. He was supposed to show up at 8 . He never showed up, never called, nothing.
Back to the bar
I am walking through the bar and he stops me again.
Sparkle: Are you leaving
Kindacleva: No
Sparkle: Oh ok, How come you never called me
Kindacleva: I did , I called planned for us to meet and when the time came you never showed up.
Sparkle: No not true, you never called
(He looked like he was telling the truth but I'm no fucking freshmen , he rememdered who I was and all, I was giving him the girl please eye and he never caught on to it.)
Kindacleva: I did
Sparkle: well lets exchange numbers
Kindacleva: ok (thinking whatever lets see what he does) I will give you my number
Sparkle: My phone is in my jacket pocket I will give you mine and you can give me a call.
Kindacleva: No I will send you a text and you call me.
Sparkle: Ok I will do that
What kind of Fuckery is this?
I know exactly what kind of fuckery this is , going into the memory file again.
1) you made plans he totally flaked out, didn't even cancel, he just didn't show up. Haven't heard from him since.
2) He sees you out and finally gets up the nerve to speak (his bourgious ass had a few sips of the red wine and he is feeling sexy and got some balls)
Answer: This mofo just wants to get back in. He saw me out and was like damn I fucked that up let me see if I could get back in. And he just knows because he got this cute little ass when he gives me his number im just going to jump on it (that's where the red wine came in.)
Why did he cancel, who knows maybe his steady dick was headed over, and why chance new dick you never seen for the old one you know well. Or maybe he fell asleep (girl please eyes). Or maybe he was playing a game and wanted to see if I would chase him .
Now all that being said if he wanted back in he would have gotten mad respect if he just walked up to me and appologized for what he did. He really wouldn't have even had to tell me why he did what he did . Appologize be a man about it and I gotta respect that and I will kick it with you if i am bored twitling my fingers and have completely ran out of shit to watch on x tube and ran completely out of vaseline.
What Kind of fuckery is this I mean really? #3
So this dude I have known for a few years and we see each other out, we have been meaning to kick it for years and every now and then we get consistent. His only problem is he wants to be pursued and I don't do that, it's never thats serious 50 50 with me or nothing. I did recently troop it out to "Carajo Land" (newyourican for west bubblefuck) to go to a party he was having that was lame. Considering how far I went for him I would think that would show initiative . So he sends me this text.
" I am home from my trip n have a week off, whats good when we chillin"
I responded
"wednesday"
Wednesday came and he he hit me up online saying , "Oh we supposed to chill and you never even called" to which I never responded, because I was like shit if you want to chill why should I have to chase you around like your a little girl.
Today I get a text that says
"Had the week off, thanks to those who chose to chill with me for those who didn't spring cleaning is coming up n yes this is a group message"
What kind of Fuckery is this?
Hmm checking my memory file ............. coming up blank
This is some new fuckery. I have always thought this dude was sending mass text where I was concerned. I am left to assume his first text was a mass text and probably all the text he sends me are. How fucking tacky is that. I mean I get my playa playa on myself but I would have never sent a text thanking all those that took me out on a date this week and then vilifying those who didn't and telling them they will be erased. Mofo erase me because I don't give a rats ass. He got a nice little booty though but what he fails to realize is he is old school now and there is nice new 22 and 23 year old booty on the scene so him erasing my number isn't going to affect me not one bit.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Try To make me go to rehab, I said no no no...
Well carrying on with the Amy Winehouse theme I was feet first in the crack house yesterday. But I decided not to go straight to adam I decided to start with his ghetto little sister BGC. And it was like riding a horse . I hit up dudes they hit me up . Before I knew it 4 hours flew by and I was still sitting there juggling about 5 different chats on Yahoo, AIM and BGC. It was interesting , it was alright but somewhere in the back of my head I was thinking hmm where is all of this going and with the fire burning inside of me all this wasn't queltching it.
So I decided to go out to splash , after talking to one of the dudes from bgc on the phone I got up fixed my hair up, took a shower and when I went to get dressed I realized the shirt I brought didn't fit at all , it didnt even close to fit. Oh shit this could have ruined the night because I had planed for that to be my next club outfit but I had to recycle a shirt that I had worn 2 weeks ago to a house party but it was all good I wasn't going to let that stop me.
I decided I was going to step out last night with a positivity molotov coctail . This consisted of my ipod with a playlist of only happy uplifting songs , alot of gospel mixed in and the main ingredient watermelon vodka and cranberry in one bottle and watermelon vodka and grape juice in the other bottle , who says vodka and gospel dont go together , in my world they are a perfect match. I was having my own private party coming from the bronx into the city and by the time I hit 96 street I was kind of lit. When I got of at 18th street couldn't nobody tell me I wasn't the shit , couldn't nobody tell me life wasn't great and amazing, nothing could break my stride.
So I got in the club, it was cute, lots of people , the energy was great. The energy of splash on a tuesday night is always great. I would say splash and the defunct luke and leroy always were the ideal spots for me and the vibe is always good. It doesnt feel like culture club or now Shelter where I feel like I am being sized up from the moment I step in the door. Those parties to me bring in an element of fashion faboulosity and elitist attitudes. It's not like I can't roll with em because I can stroll with the best, but it isn't me. The inner me is a nerdy black boy from Queens who read books during gym and once wore church shoes and a pink dress shirt to school in the 7th grade circa 1991 a very bold move and fashion no no for the time period oh yeah and dressing like that was also like commining social suicide but hell I had no freinds so it didn't matter. In Splash I feel relaxed and u can be you in that club. You just go have some drinks and have fun, thats what everyone is doing there having fun. 75 percent of Shelter is mingling and looking and sizing up, people aren't dancing like there is no tomorrow in there, not unless they are white boy drunk. Anyhow I digress.
So I do the coat check thing take a leak and hit the dancefloor at splash. The minute I hit the floor I see this dude and I'm like fuck he is cute. But he was dancing with some one and I was thinking he probably won't like me anyway but whatever won't let that fuck with my positivity molotov coctail ( I am human insecurity does sneak in every now and then.) Anyhow I stayed there and started to get my boogie on and when I turned around none other then Mr. Sexy was looking at me well not looking but staring. So I said "whats up " and we started dancing and talking . He kept telling me how good he thought I looked. I loved it I didn't want to let him go. Then I did something I dont do (one of my new philosophies when you keep doing the same thing you get the same results) I had to pee badl, I told him I had to go to the bathroom but I didn't want to leave him. So I asked him to come with me. He did we held hands walking to the bathroom and coming back. Then we sat at a table and talked for a minute where I told him I want to be with one person . In 30 minutes I broke every rule in the playa handbook. On page one it tells not to hold hands at the club, discuss how you really feel about relationships and yeah let some dude know he has got you burning up on the inside. If "Don Majic Wand" could see me now he would take his walking stick and shove it right into my windpipe. Well fuck the playa handbook, that shit aint got me nuthing but lonely winter after winter, time to do something new.
So finally he did have to leave I walked him to coat check, yup holding his hand. He introduced me to like 8 friends he got his coat we hugged and yes there was a peck or two and he left. I stayed he said he would let me know when he got in, and yes he actually did , I was still at the club. After he left I got another drink and the D.J. got wicked on the turntables and I danced like my life depended on it and I had such a good time.
The Universe is a trip , I guess I really dont need BGC or Cousin Adam after all and the universe had to express that to me blatantly.
So I decided to go out to splash , after talking to one of the dudes from bgc on the phone I got up fixed my hair up, took a shower and when I went to get dressed I realized the shirt I brought didn't fit at all , it didnt even close to fit. Oh shit this could have ruined the night because I had planed for that to be my next club outfit but I had to recycle a shirt that I had worn 2 weeks ago to a house party but it was all good I wasn't going to let that stop me.
I decided I was going to step out last night with a positivity molotov coctail . This consisted of my ipod with a playlist of only happy uplifting songs , alot of gospel mixed in and the main ingredient watermelon vodka and cranberry in one bottle and watermelon vodka and grape juice in the other bottle , who says vodka and gospel dont go together , in my world they are a perfect match. I was having my own private party coming from the bronx into the city and by the time I hit 96 street I was kind of lit. When I got of at 18th street couldn't nobody tell me I wasn't the shit , couldn't nobody tell me life wasn't great and amazing, nothing could break my stride.
So I got in the club, it was cute, lots of people , the energy was great. The energy of splash on a tuesday night is always great. I would say splash and the defunct luke and leroy always were the ideal spots for me and the vibe is always good. It doesnt feel like culture club or now Shelter where I feel like I am being sized up from the moment I step in the door. Those parties to me bring in an element of fashion faboulosity and elitist attitudes. It's not like I can't roll with em because I can stroll with the best, but it isn't me. The inner me is a nerdy black boy from Queens who read books during gym and once wore church shoes and a pink dress shirt to school in the 7th grade circa 1991 a very bold move and fashion no no for the time period oh yeah and dressing like that was also like commining social suicide but hell I had no freinds so it didn't matter. In Splash I feel relaxed and u can be you in that club. You just go have some drinks and have fun, thats what everyone is doing there having fun. 75 percent of Shelter is mingling and looking and sizing up, people aren't dancing like there is no tomorrow in there, not unless they are white boy drunk. Anyhow I digress.
So I do the coat check thing take a leak and hit the dancefloor at splash. The minute I hit the floor I see this dude and I'm like fuck he is cute. But he was dancing with some one and I was thinking he probably won't like me anyway but whatever won't let that fuck with my positivity molotov coctail ( I am human insecurity does sneak in every now and then.) Anyhow I stayed there and started to get my boogie on and when I turned around none other then Mr. Sexy was looking at me well not looking but staring. So I said "whats up " and we started dancing and talking . He kept telling me how good he thought I looked. I loved it I didn't want to let him go. Then I did something I dont do (one of my new philosophies when you keep doing the same thing you get the same results) I had to pee badl, I told him I had to go to the bathroom but I didn't want to leave him. So I asked him to come with me. He did we held hands walking to the bathroom and coming back. Then we sat at a table and talked for a minute where I told him I want to be with one person . In 30 minutes I broke every rule in the playa handbook. On page one it tells not to hold hands at the club, discuss how you really feel about relationships and yeah let some dude know he has got you burning up on the inside. If "Don Majic Wand" could see me now he would take his walking stick and shove it right into my windpipe. Well fuck the playa handbook, that shit aint got me nuthing but lonely winter after winter, time to do something new.
So finally he did have to leave I walked him to coat check, yup holding his hand. He introduced me to like 8 friends he got his coat we hugged and yes there was a peck or two and he left. I stayed he said he would let me know when he got in, and yes he actually did , I was still at the club. After he left I got another drink and the D.J. got wicked on the turntables and I danced like my life depended on it and I had such a good time.
The Universe is a trip , I guess I really dont need BGC or Cousin Adam after all and the universe had to express that to me blatantly.
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