Usually fall has been an indifferent time for me. I usually enter fall with hesitation, almost as if I know what is ahead. Oh I do put out to the universe that it will be a lonely winter. Well this winter I dont feel that way. Even if there is no one that comes along I will be fine.
I think this time last year was right before the cards began to fall in. This time last year was right before I lost it. I dont feel that way now. I am at a new job and the vibe is different and even though I am as tired as a dog I feel good.
Well let me tell the whole truth. There is some one in the picture.And he is a good man . Its funny how that has become something of extreme importance to me . Not he's cute or hes hot or sexy. But his mama raised him right therefore he is a good man. On top of that he is sexy to me and I think he feels the same for me . His only problem is he lives in jersey but that can be worked out , I havent made my first trip out there yet.
The other day he came through and I cooked and all. The thing I loved about it was damn it felt nice to have some one around the house. Like simple shit, some one to sit next to on the couch as I watched tv. Some one to lean over and kiss me during the commercials. I like it but there are somethings I am getting out of my system before I can really be with some one.
Is he worth it?
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
"Slow down baby your moving too fast got your head in the clouds but your feet on the gas about to wreck your future running from the past "
Ok the Original title for this post was going to be my new part time job.
Somwhere in the past few weeks of the summer I started to "wild out" I started partying up a storm getting crazy drunk and wracking up the numbers. What did that bring, a whole bunch of dudes to talk to on the phone. So when I am finished my 9-5 my second job starts in a few hours thats my 9-12(when the day time minutes start.) In this process I have learned soemthing about myself. And I guess it was never that I wanted a relationship after all it was more that I wanted attention. I wanted that phone to be ringing. (Oh shit done found another flaw.) I fell kind of like I did when I was 22 and hitting up brooklyn cafe every weekend. But why at 28 revert to that time period. Back then I was just entering the scene and I was fresh meat . I would go out every friday and drink like a fish and be drunk as hell. And I was collecting numbers and dating like a fool . It was the first time in my life that I got that attention from anyone. Please let us revisit my past. I was always a fat kid , A fat kid who grew up to be a fat teenager, who grew up to be a fat young adult. I did not enter the scene until I lost massive amounts of weight and that attention I lived for it.
Why have I felt like shit for the past few years, well I wasnt drinking like a fool I wasnt seeing the lifestyle through Hennessey/vodka goggles. Through Vodka goggles the lifestyle looks soo much fun. For the past three years I was feeling it real. I was meeting dudes doing things or not doing things and being dicarded, or disrespected. I guess the stage I am at now is the anacrusis of being jaded. Its the reversion to the old me, the attention starved me . The me who is at this current moment talking to 12 guys. Is that cute, well not really but I was thinking quantity over quality and then maybe some one of quality would come along. Well I guess out of those 12, 5 or 6 of them are quality but am I quality in the process. I have become the man I dislike when I meet some one . I have become hard to reach, inconsistent and a big challenge. Which becomes the thing that keeps them coming after you hmmmm. Its all a game and now I realise why I couldnt get certain dudes and why I wanted them so much, it was all about the chase.
Afew days ago I had one night stand. and I knew it was a one night stand because of how it felt . I met dude at the club we went to his house and did the damn thing . Now that happened under the drunken haze. The real me would never do that. Did I feel cheap afterward ,no. Did I feel discarded afterward, no. Did I even care afterward, no. The anacrusis of being jaded , not giving a fuck. This is not the person I want to be.
I guess India arie said it the best I need to slow down I am really moving to fast. Im covering up and trying to heal the wound of being hurt in the past three years by so many dudes and in some ways I am becoming them. So they who I came to with open heart and mind who got shitted on, now has people coming to me with open heart and mind who I romance from a distance and keep around for my own needs. They give me the attention I want but what am I giving them.
I'm taking a break from drinking and clubbing , no for real . I need to get my mind right, I do not need to become a heartbreaker or the reason some one else becomes jaded.
Im going to slow down.
Somwhere in the past few weeks of the summer I started to "wild out" I started partying up a storm getting crazy drunk and wracking up the numbers. What did that bring, a whole bunch of dudes to talk to on the phone. So when I am finished my 9-5 my second job starts in a few hours thats my 9-12(when the day time minutes start.) In this process I have learned soemthing about myself. And I guess it was never that I wanted a relationship after all it was more that I wanted attention. I wanted that phone to be ringing. (Oh shit done found another flaw.) I fell kind of like I did when I was 22 and hitting up brooklyn cafe every weekend. But why at 28 revert to that time period. Back then I was just entering the scene and I was fresh meat . I would go out every friday and drink like a fish and be drunk as hell. And I was collecting numbers and dating like a fool . It was the first time in my life that I got that attention from anyone. Please let us revisit my past. I was always a fat kid , A fat kid who grew up to be a fat teenager, who grew up to be a fat young adult. I did not enter the scene until I lost massive amounts of weight and that attention I lived for it.
Why have I felt like shit for the past few years, well I wasnt drinking like a fool I wasnt seeing the lifestyle through Hennessey/vodka goggles. Through Vodka goggles the lifestyle looks soo much fun. For the past three years I was feeling it real. I was meeting dudes doing things or not doing things and being dicarded, or disrespected. I guess the stage I am at now is the anacrusis of being jaded. Its the reversion to the old me, the attention starved me . The me who is at this current moment talking to 12 guys. Is that cute, well not really but I was thinking quantity over quality and then maybe some one of quality would come along. Well I guess out of those 12, 5 or 6 of them are quality but am I quality in the process. I have become the man I dislike when I meet some one . I have become hard to reach, inconsistent and a big challenge. Which becomes the thing that keeps them coming after you hmmmm. Its all a game and now I realise why I couldnt get certain dudes and why I wanted them so much, it was all about the chase.
Afew days ago I had one night stand. and I knew it was a one night stand because of how it felt . I met dude at the club we went to his house and did the damn thing . Now that happened under the drunken haze. The real me would never do that. Did I feel cheap afterward ,no. Did I feel discarded afterward, no. Did I even care afterward, no. The anacrusis of being jaded , not giving a fuck. This is not the person I want to be.
I guess India arie said it the best I need to slow down I am really moving to fast. Im covering up and trying to heal the wound of being hurt in the past three years by so many dudes and in some ways I am becoming them. So they who I came to with open heart and mind who got shitted on, now has people coming to me with open heart and mind who I romance from a distance and keep around for my own needs. They give me the attention I want but what am I giving them.
I'm taking a break from drinking and clubbing , no for real . I need to get my mind right, I do not need to become a heartbreaker or the reason some one else becomes jaded.
Im going to slow down.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Goodbye Summer
"Goodbye summer it seems you have to go I wasnt ready for the autumn winds to blow"
Well I hope I left no one hanging but I dont think I even want to continue the last post . Dude dint call back then when I saw him again he acted like he was interested then not then whatever ( I guess I am speeding through the long drawn out story because I dont care any more, not interested and i have moved on to other things.)
Any how what a summer it was I would have to say this was one of the first summers where I really felt comfortable in my own skin. No I didnt get the six pack, no MY locs werent freshly twisted, and no I didnt look perfect. However I felt good in my skin . I felt like damn I don't need all that shit I'm hot anyhow. And I guess that was a journey that took all to long time to get to. I guess this summer was that time I needed to refocus. This was the time I needed to adjust the antenae so the picture could come in clear. All That said I really had fun . I went to party, after party, after party, and I talked mingled and all .And I realised something, hmmmm when I am feeling good about me I attract alot of people to me. Although none have really materialized into anything it was all good practice. Just what I need to prepare me for the right person. this was the best summer I have had since I was 23 and I am 28 now.
Although the summer is done I guess its ok Im still not ready for the autumn winds but something tells me they are going to bring with them some great things I just know it..... stay tuned.
Well I hope I left no one hanging but I dont think I even want to continue the last post . Dude dint call back then when I saw him again he acted like he was interested then not then whatever ( I guess I am speeding through the long drawn out story because I dont care any more, not interested and i have moved on to other things.)
Any how what a summer it was I would have to say this was one of the first summers where I really felt comfortable in my own skin. No I didnt get the six pack, no MY locs werent freshly twisted, and no I didnt look perfect. However I felt good in my skin . I felt like damn I don't need all that shit I'm hot anyhow. And I guess that was a journey that took all to long time to get to. I guess this summer was that time I needed to refocus. This was the time I needed to adjust the antenae so the picture could come in clear. All That said I really had fun . I went to party, after party, after party, and I talked mingled and all .And I realised something, hmmmm when I am feeling good about me I attract alot of people to me. Although none have really materialized into anything it was all good practice. Just what I need to prepare me for the right person. this was the best summer I have had since I was 23 and I am 28 now.
Although the summer is done I guess its ok Im still not ready for the autumn winds but something tells me they are going to bring with them some great things I just know it..... stay tuned.
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