Do I smell desperation?

Well I guess all things will come to the surface at some point. So this week with my Jersey friend just started off with disjointed communication. I was starting to feel like talking to him was a chore. It was just wasted time. The communication was dead. After a few days of phone tag he called and said it was soemthing he needed to speak to me about. And he basically dumped me lol. It makes me kind of laugh evertime I think of it. I guess he didn't dump me but we did agree on one thing, the spark was gone and that is the truth for sure. He had become like my homeboy in a sense. When he was around I didnt feel that animalistic tiger inside of me that wants to rip dudes clothes and make love to him , like you feel when you are getting into something new with some one. Well I felt it in the beginning and it fell off after then . And considering I didnt see him on a consistent basis I tink thats what fizzled everything out

Any how I guess we will be freinds or associates. He asked what I meant by associates and I said "soem one that you say whats up to in the club." Time will tell where that goes. I really respect the fact that he called me up and told me what was up that was a good thing. I didn't even have it in me to tell him how I felt first .But damn why was I pushing this. It was obvious to every one I talked to about this that it wasnt going where I wanted it to go. It was obviouse that this wasnt the situation for me but I just wanted some one to spend this cold ass winter with shit is that a crime. I dont even feel sad about the whole thing I feel somewhat relieved. Its ok if I have a winter with myself , I will be aight , I been aight every other winter.

Testing the waters

Well for the past week or so I have been dipping my feet in the pool of exclusivity. I have calmed myself and put my focus into one person to see where that would go. I must admit I am dipping my feet and the water is a litle cold at times and sometimes its nice and warm and I just want to jump in and take a dive. But for the most part I have been going to the pool and it has been closed for renovations.

Where is this going. Now, I am not one to even try to say that I know the first thing about being in a relationship but I do know that in the beginning stages of dating some one you are given a preview as to what it would be like when and if you decide to acclimate that person into your life. So it is of some importance that at that time period you give that person your best. I think I am giving my best, but two incidents that have happened in our brief courtship have led me to believe he isn't giving his best and I am definitely not one to accept some ones "c" game. I am "A" list and you need to be on your "A" game if you want to be with me.

Incident number one; during a cassual conversation about something he cut me off and told me he wasnt interested in that topic. Ummm what? that was my responce and to be who I trully am I called him on it. I said "well what would you like to discuss" and he had nothing to discuss. After catching on to the fact that I had an attitude he just basically said "oh you are being too sensitive." That statement is one of my pet pieves. In most cases when some one says some one is being too sensitive what they are really saying is " I am not willing to own up to the fact that I just offended or disrespected you so I am going to put it back on you." Anyhow I ended the discussion abruptly because my feelings were hurt a little . He called the next day and was extremely nice, I guess that was and attempt at an appology but next time I would like an actual appology.


Incident number two; I took my first trip out to Jersey. And a trip it was. First of all it was raining like a mother outside second of all I missed the Jersey train which made my commute time last 2 hours. Before I got there he text me that he had company, WTF. Any how it was cool I chilled with them for a minute then they left and we chilled a little more and fell asleep in one anothers arms (that was sweet) but it didnt not erase the fact that it took some compromise for me to go to his house on a weekeday and the least he could have done was make sure he didn't have company over. I would never do that to some one who lived down the street from nonetheless some one who just traveled beyond an hour to see me.

So now what, well being that the pool is closed for renovations so often (meaning we don't see each other that often, it's all mainly phone convo and thats getting boring. Even when I try to plan something out he says he is broke = big turn off.) one is only left to try to find a pool closer to home. I am not saying that I will throw in the towel yet but he is leaving alot of open space, more then enough space for some one else to step in and depending on who it is I may just let them. Damn damn damn.

A double minority

I spent the past weekend in the DC area and while it was a fun weeekend somewhat the thing that stuck out in my mind from this weeekend was an extreme act of ugliness. On my way to meet up with a friend I had to take them metro. While wating in my transfer station I sat down on a bench and put my duffle bag on the bench. The platform was almost empty . The thing is ulike in new york these benches are in an enclosed space it has a glass covering and you go in and out on one side. So I was chilling, just in a relaxed mode. A white woman and her husband or friend came close to where I was sitting . She was talking to him and I began to get a bit of their conversation. I heard her say "Oh I don't like to sit on the end of the bench" fine I thought , whatever I mean on the end you are kind of blocked in . Then as she walked away she dropped the bomb "Well he has commandeered the whole bench , he's black you know how they are. " Fire..... It was as if fire were rising from my head. I dont rememebr the last time I felt that anger, wait, no I do . Actually every moment in my life that I have felt the sting of racism I can rememebr the place the time of day and the feeling in the air. The moment this happened I was so stunned I was almost silenced. My humble black concious self didnt know what to say because truth be told I was hurt. This lady was a fat old white blob and she had hurt my feelings beyond hurt. The sting of racism is not one where you can say well whatever I am still fly. In the moment when some one is judging you based on something you really can't change or better yet something you would never want to change , something you wake up and thank god for every day it hurts.

The sting of racism is something interesting to me because I can always remember my stepfather telling me " no matter how much you may make of yourself some people in this world will still consider you a nigger." So all the things I stand on, a good vocabullary, a good education, a good job , a bachellors degree, a masters degree, no illigitimate kids etc. it doesnt mean shit to a person who sees you as an ignorant animal .

So what did I say, I trully cant remember. I know I started off with "excuse me are you talking to me" then it went into "well you can go sit your fat ass some where else you racist bitch." But it all fell on deaf ears for I was not even worthy of a responce and she acted as if I didnt even exist. Which burned me up even more. So when I walk around standing on my degrees and good english sometimes I forget who I am and where I am and the legacy that I stand on. When the sting of racism hits me Im always slapped back to the reality that I am a Black man in America.

So why did I title this post a double minority. Well truth be told, being black isn't the first thing I think about being judged on. In my everyday dealings I'm more focused on people finding out about my sexuality and judging me based on that. What a situation to be in and in some aspect it is my own people (black people) who do the judging. A double minority but I keep moviong on. But I need not forget who I am a black man first , gay, educated and all that other stuff second. I am sure I will be reminded again . I have never really been disrespected for my sexuallity but rascism is a bug that has bitten me several times.