Getting sick= God's way of telling you to sit down and think.

So I have been going non stop lately between the gym, work, diet and dating ofcourse. I have been going and running on no fuel. I know for a fact 4-5 hours a night isn't enough to run on considering that leaves about 20 or 19 hours of activity. So as a result I end up getting sick. The cool thing about being almost 30 is I know my body like never before and I know the minute I'm going to get a cold or something.

So I was out a few nights ago with a guy who I always thought back on as one of the ones that I let get away. The funny thing is how my moms says "all the thing you need to know will come and sit in your lap one day, there is no need to go searching to find out". This was maybe the worse date I have ever been on. Dude sat there the whole time on his cell. When he wasn't on his cell he was talking about other dudes in the restaurant and the dl dude at his job typical "tired ass fag convo "( excuse the air of negativity but I'm just keeping it real for a minute.) So I begin to feel like a wet food stamp , shit I didnt know what it was a date or were we friends or was I really the chump I was being played for.
Well flash back , me and this dude fell off years ago initially because I was going through one of my usual flacky phases. So any how some time afterward he told me how much he was feeling me and how much I hurt him. I guess this date was some sort of payback or maybe he was so comfortable with me he was being him self. I wanted to be done with this date quicker then it started and yes I had to pay because apparently when I was drunk I told him I would take him out for his birthday ( oh yeah im pretty convinced that I am having some problems with my alcohol also I will begin to work on it when my birthday weekend is over lol).
I rememebr sitting in the restaurant and flirting with a guy at the next table and I almost did the unthinkable just as a fuck you to this guy who was sitting in front of a top knotch dude wasting his time and money like he wasn't shit. But I did nothing I just sat there while he had endless casual convo after convo and even sipped on some english dudes drink . And I ate the negative energy and ate it . When he dropped me off at home he wanted a good night kiss and asked me if I would take him out to the movies on friday to which I responded I would be having house guest and he called me a whore.
Neeedles to say I woke up the next morning feeling like crap . I had let some one drain me and I was sick from that moment till now . In all honesty it was a lesson well learned, I will no longer blame cutting him off in the past as me being flaky. I cut him off because I sensed some "bitchness in him" as puffy would say ( damn I cant believe I just quoted that freak.) The only difference was I second guessed it all once my options started to dry up. A classic pattern for me is that once my options start to dry up I start to review past situations and people and think about how I could have stuck it out a little longer or just how I was being so flaky. No it is none of the above I ended the shit because it wouldn't work . Nice body , good head, yada yada woopdie woo it wasnt going to work so what was the purpose.
So know that I am sick living off of fucking motrins because I hate to take anything that will make me drowsy I have had some time to think on some things, thank god.

1) Stop looking for love
2) Stop dating youngins
3) Although they may look good they aint ready
4) Stop back peddling, keep moving forward
5) I have to quit my job, It is noble work but noble is synonomous with bad pay.

So any how while I have been sick there has been a whole lot of laying on the couch watching shows I never watch, also playing in is the fact that my cable is fucked up and I am only watching the channels that come in . So I was watching this show on Monique the comedianne's life. She was talking about how she walked into work and quit her job at MCI and told her supervisor how she was going to be a super star and she had nothing to fall back on or no other options and a 2 year old son. Wow I have been thinking thats what I need to do to get where I have to go. Truth be told maybe I could pursue my dreams at my current job but again it drains me. So much thinking and so little doing that is the problem. Don't know if I will quit my job like Monique yet but I know that changing schools was supposed to be better for me but I still feel like I am not serving my purpose at all.
It's funny a few weeks ago I was at G bar, which is a white gay bar in nyc , some place I would probably never go but some how we ended up there. While at the bar this guy came up to me and began to give me a psychic reading . He told me " there was somehting in my life that I was scared of persuing because I was a ffraid I wouldnt be able to support myself financially." After looking at him like where the fuck did you come from I was thinking I know where he came from . I needed to be brought back to reality. He told me all I had to do was pursue what it was I was a fraid to do and I would be fine ." I am ready to take that step on faith.

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