I must like him

Hmmm
Well we were supposed to go out today but my dumb ass I got drunk last night and forgot to call and I slept through his calling me today. I left him a message about 3 hours ago and text him and all I am thinking right now is he is upset with me and doesnt want to call me back. Fuck, I must like him because I care. Damn I hope he calls I think we may be able to have something special one day as long as he takes sometime to understand how I work and that I am giving some effort in getting to know him I'm just bad at dating and getting to know some one. Tecnically I'm still in my teenage stages of the lifestyle. Damn I hope he calls.

Is there something better out there

Hmmm
This I think is the main issues that has kept me single for going on 4 years now. So many times now I can look back at some good guys I let go by because I was looking for something better out there. If I had sat down for a minute and chilled with certain cats for a minute I would have realised I had better and what was out there may have looked better if I ever saw it but what looks great usually isn't to good for me.
I can always be one to say there is nothing out there but I can sit here and count numerous times when I had a good man standing in front of me just wanting to have some focus from me and I was blowing off spending time with him because I was in a search for something better. Usually I never met better and he eventually goes away and finds a boyfriend and we may become friends afterward and I am aptly informed on how great things are going while so called better is long gone and I realise the person I let go was better much better then what was out there. So if their is anyone to blame for my long standing single hood it is me. Then again I guess it's a learning process. If I hadn't loss out so often would I really know what to want right now.

A Date with my DVR

Hmmm well lately I have been trying to date and dating is some real shit up in NYC. I mean I went on two dates this week. The first one was with a dude I met in the summer whom I just am going on the second date with in November, hmm go figure. Any how it was an at home date and I must be honest it was an experience. It opened my mind up to some new realities. One is I don't like freaks . I will admit it I am an anti-freak. The things they do are nasty and nasty is how people catch diseases and some shit is just unsanitary, ilk I wont do it, not interested. I will be first in line for the test trials for the body condom (I hope that the only wholes in it are for the nostrils.) Anyway another reality was I really realize how I don't like to be touched illlll I wanted to punch dude in the face because I told him to stop and he wouldn't motherfucker stop. Stop means stop you don't have the right to rape my skin.

Date number 2 hmmm met him after work he was aight. I don't know that I feel tingly, the tingly factor is on 0. When I met him though the tingly was off the chain but I had had a few drinks in me and there was some close dancing and a different look. People look so different in the day light and in work clothes.Plus he had on a trench coat and that always makes me think that the person is a part time flasher. But he is a nice dude and maybe the tingly will return. Only problem is he is friends with one of my Arch Nemisi but whatever we will see. Shit why does it make a difference we hardly know each other.

Anyhow the best date I had this week was with my dvr. I am feeling so Miranda Hobbs right now but I just love my dvr and don't know how I got along with out it. It only lets me down every now and then ( when a show leaks over past the record time and I don't get the ending or to see what is going to happen the next week.) My DVR dates usually include some of my favorites The Office , Earl, Oprah, Ugly Betty, Cheaters and the list goes on. My Dvr even gives me the tinglys sober , the black dude on 6 degrees yummy ( looks like the show will probably be canceled but I like it a lot)

What makes me smile

The past month has been crazy hectic but I cant say I have been upset . I am doing a job assignment I wouldnt have chosen. I am almost never on top of things but im far from giving up I feel somewhere that I will get on top of things. Anyhow I have been lately trying to steer away from the negative and I'm just going to take a moment to list the things that make me smile because sometimes I forget that if I want to be happy all I have to do is smile and make myself happy.
(in no particular order)
1) listening to music
2) a good conversation with a close freind where you dont want it to end it but have to because the conventions of time are forcing you to.
3) Sipping on coffee collecting my thoughts at 6 soemthing in the morning.
4) My students (seeing that light bulb go off, making them smile, knowing that they know I care )
5) Going out by myself. With out all the drama and shadiness. I like the times when I lose that whole insecure bubble and could care less how many eyes are on me or not.
6) S.O.B.S. ( I love that spot especially sol village it inspires me once a month and keeps me dreaming that one day I will actually find myself on a stage again living the dream.)
7) Waking up to a good gospel song one that is so good that it makes me sing in the groggy voice and I am not a morning person so thats alot.
8) Going out to manhattan alone with no particular thing to do but enjoy the city.
9) Indian Food
10) Soul Food
11) Looking up Stupid shit on myspace like people who I went to high school with you. Its funny how that girl that used to sit behind me in math has such huge ass titties now damn that shit was bugging me out. And to see all the people who looked better in HS then they do now 10 years later , I'm soo glad thats not me, its definently the other way around.

Abolish the "N" word

Hmmm (I'm making a non love and relationship type post hold your breath)

I can't say how passionate I am about this word being taken from the mouth of people in general. As African-Americans we have allowed ourselves to really buy into one of the oldest tricks in the book. Our minds have been so brainwashed and trained that we believe that we can turn one of the most hurtful terms in our existence into a term of endearment. After visiting the abolish the n word website (www.abolishthenword.com) a few months ago I was totally changed. I remember how it would sting my ears when I heard a non-black person using this word as a term of endearment. When I was in college I spent so much time schooling white Minnesota mofos. In some cases people don't mean much by it but the word being said in my presence stings my ears . I have been teaching for 5 years now and have been teaching my students how ignorant it sounds, at the end of the day I get them to not say it around me but when they go home and hear it 24/7 my explanation as to why not to say it falls on deaf ears.

Black brothers and sister is it so serious. Is it such a necessity to use this harmful word. Is it necessary to disrespect the lineage from which you come to just be able to use a word. I don't even accept the Chris Rock usage of the word ( there are black people and N*****). I call ignorant people what they are which is ignorant I do not call them the name that whitey used to sell us on the auction block, or the name whitey called us when he was burning us as we hung from a tree choking with our genitals stuffed in our mouths while the whole town watched this heartless and inhumane spectacle. So remember every time you say the word you are tying the nuse around your own ignorant ass neck and doing just what whitey wants us to do and that's buy into the way he has decided we should see ourselves. He doesn't have to call us ignorant we call ourselves ignorant everyday in such an endearing way.

Atl Black Gay pride

Wow what a way to end the summer I'll run it down day by day

Friday..
Rushed out of work after a long ass stressful day jumped on the plane , had a little cough but I was like fuck won't let that affect the fun. Got to the atl and something about being in atl always calms me , well I guess something about being anywhere that's not NYC that calms me. Anyhow we got in town mad late so we literally got to the hotel showered and headed off to the club . We made sure we got passes to all the lions den shit and we stayed in there host hotel which was hot. The club that night hmmm was a little weak but the fun was had when we got back to the hotel and in the let out of 708. I saw this dude I'm feeling in atl who I affectionately consider my atl boyfriend (although he is not my b.f. or any way near being my b.f.). After chilling in the let out we headed back to the hotel. In my flirtatious mode I started talking to this dude in the hallway he was cute he told us to come back to his room and we did out of sheer curiosity. Before we knocked on the door we heard some strange voices and accents and such anyhow I knocked anyway and they let us in. Come to find out they were Ethiopian, never met an Ethiopian before and here I was sitting with 4 gay Ethiopians . The ring leader who I met in the hall was quite funny and ready , he kept turning out the lights but we wasn't trying to get down with that but they were very interesting.

Saturday.....
Woke up late but we headed out hit upthe mall and the pool party where I was to find my LA boyfriend (not my bf at all but we like each other and had a beautiful time when we met in Chicago about a year ago). The issue we had at that moment was hmmm he is crazy about me and I was not feeling the same about him a year later he still gives me a little bit of the tingleys, but he needs to put a filter on his mouth. I hate when people haven't learned that there are things you say and don't say. Any how with both dudes there I knew at some point I would have to choose one or the other to chill with because the itinerary in atl left little time to chill with both . So the club that night was at the convention center which was huge and dudes really wasn't vibing much due to all that space. Every one was in their little click doing there own thing but it was cool I enjoyed chilling with my friends . At some point during this day we had picked up a hanger on in the hotel. Basically I had seen him the night before and he noticed me showing my boy his ass so we started talking and he came to visit our room on Saturday and just wouldn't leave he went with us to the club and even spent the night in the hotel with us because his boy was getting busy in his room. Anyhow best believe I squeezed the booty but nothing too serious went down plus when he left. I was like its all good wont be seeing him anymore he wore out his welcome but he was a youngin and I guess his peoples was wack or whatever.

Sunday.......
Began to realize this shit is about to be over and started getting sad but I met up with one of my boys from NYC and my boy I was there with and we had so much fun that day at Piedmont park. The club that night was cool, funny how many NYC people I saw out there. Saw LA boyfriend there he was still talking the same ol bullshit , he basically wanted me to ditch my people and ride off into the sunset with him and I couldn't do that I'm not that type of person . The difference was atl boyfriend understood that. LA boyfriend was really losing me and in a way he was calling a me a slut on the sly and I wasn't feeling that and pretty much the negative energy got him the cut ( any negative mofos in my life they get the cut with the quickness now adays don't want it don't need it.)

Monday...
It was time to leave but before I left I spent time with my atl boyfriend ahhhhh how sweet we went out to lunch and we vibe well . I think I want to move to atl if not for good then just for a few years . Not for dude though but just because I need a change of pace so I guess I will spend the next few months trying to figure that out.


General observations.....

So much ass, I mean everyone's ass was out it was like booty city it was great, I renamed the city Asslanta.

whuts up with that cheerleading step team thing that they do in atl , what's that whole scene about ?

I was wondering is there a way to chill with your entourage and still look like you are available because the entourage turns so many people away.

what's the purpose of pride celebrations?
I will say that what I get out of it is like its this one weekend where I can be out of the city and away and feel like its ok to be me and at the same time see other people like me. I get off on seeing the variety and the similarities that let me know while on my day to day I feel alone but in reality there are more like me out there. I know some people do prides to hook up and bust as many nuts as possible but I'm not on that kick I don't need to go away to bust random nuts.

What about your friends

I hear when you get closer to thirty you start to care less about what others think. And I had some evil spirits around me. The two friends I lost were people I talked to on a daily basis. One was a self centered DL wanna be who didn't know his ass from his elbow. His confusion and adamant professions of "I am not gay" were classic but for a person who was sure of themselves like me I always felt a twinge of judgment in that. In him being so against who he was he was also saying that being that was probably the worse then on earth and so if I know I am gay what does that make me. In the end I believe his decision to distance himself from me was based on his need to validate his DL lifestyle and instead of me questioning his decision I did something that would work better for me, I let him go. Grown folks can make their own decisions no matter how fucked up they may be I was there for him through it all. I always had his back but when I needed friends around the time of my grandmothers death and all the issues I went through around spring time he was no where to be found but the people who have been rolling with me from day one were and they know what's up.

My other ex friend we had a serious falling out after going away on vacation together. I admit this was maybe and opportunity for us to really get to know each other eventhough he did call me his best friend back then. The trip was interesting I definately did wild out I will admit that got white boy drunk and did some crazy shit but hell that's what you do on vacation. Anyhow I also didn't want to jump up and do everything he wanted to do , there was definately a tug of war between the two of us. Even the fact that I take naps became an issue. I'm not 21 anymore and he still seems to be stuck in keg party, corny ass "hey bro" black/whiteboy mode. Any way I also felt that evil judgment coming form him that is common between us black gay males. I remember trying to pick and outfit one night and he basically told me nothing in my suitcase was suitable. I am not about that , no labels, not a fashion whore and I think I look better sometimes when I keep it simple. Anyhow the whole incident hurt my feelings. On top of that were the weight comments. Now I am not fat, but when you hang with these skinny anorexic bitches who have six pack and ask you if they look fat they can be problematic. Anyhow he told me one night after I was white boy drunk that I look so bloated and I was like wtf are we women, I mean, I was thinking what kind of men have this kind of discussion . And besides that he seemed to never need to eat and the fact that I needed at least 2 meals a day was a problem. Well couldn't wait for the vacation to end and our friendship ended over financial issues. We don't even say hello to one another anymore (that may be mainly my fault because when I am really mad a people I say nothing to avoid blowing up on them and making a scene because I have a crazy side and that's the best way I can keep it in check.) But I'm happy he is gone he was so negative always telling what I needed to fix or change and sadly enough I went with some of these things thinking they were for the better but what was for the better was for me to be me. He is gone and I don't miss him , I miss my other friend a little but he's grown. I think they will both realize what they lost one day but I doubt I will be open to rekindle our friendship. A part of me getting out of my fuck this summer was getting over that.

Hmmm It was nice

Well I had the date. It was about 2 hours off schedule but I had it . I would say it was nice I had good conversation with dude. We kept our clothes on , which was great , their wasn't even a good night kiss. It was all good I'm ready to do this again yes. I would say we had a great vibe going but you know what I have no clue where it will go and that is a great thing , I also don't care, in the least I hope we can be good friends. I must admit dude had some sexual magnetism. He had a look he gives that says "lets fuck" with out him saying it , but he's not about that he is really trying to get to know me in a respectful way so I'm with it

My club schedule for the week hasn't worked out to well but I will be back by Thursday. I'll see what I can get into at Luke and Leroy because lord knows I got into some stuff last week and to think that dude didn't even call, thank god didn't want him too lol. I dare him to try to hog my time this week , no chance I will definetely be in my sunglasses mood.
damn I want to have another date like tomorrow I can do this I really can
sidebar: when you are trying to get back into dating and meeting cool people is it ok to jump off , with one of the jump off type people because damn I aint got none in 13 months and rolling the dice doesn't work any more , I swear if I did it it would be once and it would help me clear my mind and I'd be all good . (If some one reads this blog besides me respond.)

1st date of the "new year."

So one of the dudes I met on the train I will be meeting up with him for the first time tonight. Our first phone conversation lasted a few hours so that is a good sign I guess. I must say I am a bit nervous because since re-entering the dating scene we have crossed a few things I had decided I wasn't going to do. The first one was talk about ex's. Some how our convo went there and I think bringing the ex convo in prematurely is a bad thing but it wasn't my move it was his and I don't know how to stop some one from going there. The next issue is he wants this to be an indoors date and hmmm I hate those kinds of dates. The last dude who I had a horrible experience with I didn't realize he wasn't even my type until we went out together and I said to myself this cat is not even official at all. Even on a day when I am kind of being bummy about my look I still look presentable but I didn't realize he wasn't official because I had only chilled with him at his place . Had we gone on a date and he had shown up the way he was that one time we went out loneliness or not I doubt things would have gone where they did. Any way fuck him he's evil. I'm nervous about the at home date because I haven't had sexual intercourse in 13 months and I'm weak , very weak. My theory on the at home dates is people usually end up fooling around because they run out of things to do and as men we are always horny. I think I will roll the dice (take your right hand out and act as if you are rolling dice you will get it) before we meet up just to ensure nothing will happen, hmm good idea I'm going with that. Will update the blogger world on what happens.

Top 10 Why I Nevers of the moment

(replace the 3 dots with "Why I Never")

Wait first the back story , some how I have taken this thing to fit everything and I think I have personally transformed "Why I Never" into a manly statement I usually say it with the evil face that includes teeth clenched and fist balled up.

1)Muslim brothers selling bootleg DVD's on the train... (isn't there some kind of conflict in that , and I thought they were supposed to be better then the rest of us. They need to just keep to black soap , incense, oils and Bean Pies.)

2) Fanny Packs... (I can't do it man I'm sick of it and I have been ranting about them for a good 8 years now it has to stop and the summer just really brings them back.)

3) That blue tooth shit in every ones ear... (There is a women at my job that walks around with it all day , aint nobody trying to call her ass. People need to stop it, so what u got blue tooth nobody cares.)

4) The Black Gay Illuminati... (You know who I'm talking about the infamous clicks that seem to be in the middle of everything. I don't know, I have always been against clicks I always thought it was cool to not blend in and to not seek acceptance but to be you and people will learn to accept it and in most cases envy you for it. And also since when did gay people become so elitest I mean damn you would think a group like black gay men in the situations we are in would be more about loving and accepting one another because we are all we got in some cases. Also its not that I have as much issues with the clicks as I do the people who idolize them . Wtf, Put your sunglasses on so you can feel cool and do you.)

5) Kissing Flavor Flav... (Disclaimer:I hate admitting I even watch that show because it takes black folks back hundreds of years. Any how when I see those girls kissing him I almost throw up in my mouth and it never fails the same reaction every time. No amount of shine on TV would allow me to be able to kiss flavor flav.)

6) Extremely trendy people... ( I follow some trends sometimes if I like them but there are some people who are on every turn in fashion. I mean damn throw some of you in it. And as far as gay dudes are concerned I thought we was supposed to be individuals when you step in clubs now adays every one has that multicolored baseball cap on and the wwf wrestling belt around their waist they are all looking the same wackkkk. Sometimes you look so much hotter if you keep it simple anyhow. )

7) No Fems, no fats... (Disclaimer: I am neither fem or fat , god forbid some one would think that I'd die a lonely death because their aren't other options out there, I'm being sarcastic. When I see some one post that it kind of turns me off because they are in a way proclaiming some sort of supremacy. And just because one may post that doesn't mean people can't put on their acting game and become who you would want, beleive me I have seen it. I'm saying though dudes need to get out of that evil ass superficial mode if you don't like some one you don't have to kick it with them. If a fat dude hits u up and you don't like it you don't have to respond. If you slip up and go on a date with a fem dude its not the end of the world you don't have to marry dude but you also don't have the right to disrespect dude he is a person also.)

8) H&M underwear... ( I saw a dude in the train station the other day on the platform he proceeded to opening his pants and tucking his shirt in. As I observed him further and watched him proceed to putting his hand in his pants and readjusting his package and pulling at his thighs and all I realized what his problem was . He had on the H&M underwear. I have had this issue myself before , I cant fucks with them. I only put them on if I know I'm about to get some so dude can get the sexy underwear affect and they come off with in 30 minutes. That lycra and shit in them isn't the best for the black mans proportions. We have a lot of booty and some thighs sometimes and when you walk they end up riding up and crushing your balls. One day this happened to me and I thought I was going to have to some home and ice them down. Sidebar: All the play dude was doing with his underwear was a great midday turn on and the booty was nice I wanted it.)

9) All these white girls doing the Missy Elliot thing and making googobs more then her... (Lets see, the formula is a hot beat and a nonsense rhyme and if you can throw in a Timbaland affiliation then its all the more better ie. Gwen Stefani "Holla Back Girl" , Nelly Furtado "Promiscuous" and Fergie "London Bridge")

10) Psuedo-Bohos... (I hate people who join the boho movement just to be into something knowing they love to eat meat, they don't read books,they have dreds because they think they look cuter that way, they prefer beyonce over Jill Scott anyday etc. They just need to keep it real , I'm always grouped in with the bohos but I don't claim it like that, I'm no vegan , hell I even eat pork and could care less what people think about it. I'm just me I'm a little bit boho, I'm a little bit backpacker, I'm a little bit old school hip hop and when the beyonce of the moment song comes on I have no shame in dancing to it but I would never be caught dead buying one of her CD's)

I'm back

Well I have recently decided to pick up my life and a part of that is going back into the dating scene. I can honestly say that the past two years of dating a brother has really fell off. I guess a lot of it was catapulted by the numerous times I have gotten my feelings hurt. At this point I can not count the amount of times I was sitting in my bedroom singing "when will you call .. caaaaaall"(a la Bilal). Something about the whole dating thing and that whole calling thing fucks me up so I got tired of pursuing dudes and I became the one that didn't call. I could say I throw in the towel so fast it's never even clear if the person didn't like me or not I just know I don't want my feelings hurt so I cut them off before they cut me off and that makes it all the more easier or does it. I mean even worse then some one not calling, I feel like a loser if I am the one always calling them , its like wtf I like to feel special to.
I don't know, in the past two years I have learned many things and I have done to others the exact same things that have been done to me so in some instance I deserve what comes to me . I always wonder how it is you can hook up with some one and then they never speak to you again. It's like um we kissed all night and did xyz and now you cant even pick up the phone I mean why kiss me if you have no interest . Oh wait I can actually answer that myself because I have done it before and the reason why is because I was fucking horny, period point blank. And after I got that nut out of my system I wanted to turn over to them and be like are you still here (ooooh that sounds harsh) but I have issues with being touched by some people after I nut , I need therapy, confirmed moving on.
anyhow enough of the analyzing I'm back in the dating scene

still pondering the same thoughts

Quantity or quality

Well I went out Dolo again the other night and I must say I was on the quantity kick exchanged/gave my number to 5 dudes. 3 at the club and 2 on the train (disclaimer: I never speak to dudes on the train but they were staring at me and I thought fuck it you never know , and I'm convinced I will not meet the one by the usual means of online and the club.)
of all these five guys cant say I if I really liked any of them but I know they were all cute and maybe I will go out on a date with one or two if they call LOL. And if they don't quantitatively speaking it wont matter because I'm open to taking other numbers in the process.
So definately quantity will win I have been doing quality the past few years and its not something you can see because dudes will often mutate into what they think I would like and at the end of the day still be like the other superficial dick fiends on Adam.

Am I ready

yes more ready now then ever I feel like in the almost 5 years (my gay birthday is in January maybe I should celebrate) I been messing with dudes its like I went through my teen years , my exploration period , had my heart broke , had my feelings hurt, been a player everything I think I'm ready to really date . I just have to remember people coming over is not a date that's a hook up and if they come over we will do things we wouldn't normally do and that may leave me in a when will they call situation and that shit hurts my feelings I'm sensitive (damn hate that part of myself because most people would never know it)

what's the plan

I have to be in it to win it , I have to be social I have to leave my house and go out more often and I have to remember to smile and stop being an evil mofo. When I go out, if some one slaps me on the ass , pinches my nipple or grabs my dick it wont kill me , I will give them the evil eye afterward, well that depends on whether or not they are cute.

Well I will be posting every bit of what happens and we will see
( The next nights going out dolo will be Monday , Tuesday , Wednesday will be str8 club night, Thursday and maybe one day next weekend damn. I'm going to have to do this on a budget, the juice and drink will be done on the train )

Feliz Ano Nuevo

So I brought in my new year yesterday
I fell asleep for three hours and woke up and it was already past 12 midnight so I didn't get to count down like I had wanted to but I knew I was definitely going to go out . So I took a shower, got dressed and put on my ipod and headed out . I decided to go to stonewall, well because that was my only option. Anyhow this is another dolo club outing , I did my first one last week to one of the parties during black gay pride which turned out ok , I saw a few people I knew so I was cool but I didn't really hang with them too much , I kind of mingled which was cool . Anyhow last night I was pretty much all alone saw one person I knew he gave off cool vibes. I must say though I really enjoyed myself something feels good about not caring that I am at a club alone . The only problem is I cant get "white boy drunk" but I still am able to get a little buzz . I think I am going to go dolo more often part of the new me if I want to go out I will go and have fun.

Happy new year

Summer Funk

Im starting to feel like me again. The lesson learned in this summer is im going to fall down , im going to lose it, im going to have moments of depression and I will recover from them but I will have them again. Its like we fall down but we get up and adding, we will fall down again and again but we have to keep getting up.
Being home all this time forced me to think about some shit. the main thing is i have to start this year all over again as if today is new years. If shit isnt working out there is nothing wrong with starting all over again. I and many others often wait for a moment to symbolize something. Alll year while I was working I was waiting for the summer to come before I would write some songs, take guitar lesson again, get a drivers license, tone up pshh pshh pshh thats bullshit . For all i know a car could have run me over between then and now (knock on wood). i have to live in the moment from this point on.

Another thing that crippled me this summer was anger. I was on the angry blackman world tour this summer. I was extremely upset about work, my ex-freinds/new enemies, money issues, dating life, evrything. And my mother's words are making all the more since now. She always says "while you are sitting here angry and cant sleep the people who have done you wrong are having nice peaceful rest not thinking one minute about you"

Well things are turning around....

My music :I went to see the sugar water festival (jill Scott , erykah badu and queen latifah) this weekend and damnit if those women didnt inpire me!!!
At the end of the day i have to keep it real on this one issue. The whole music thing has been on hold mainly because I am scared. Scared that my music will go somewhere and be destroyed because of the life I have lead in regardss to my sexuality. I dont think I have to phone in and tell everyone about it but people talk. When I saw those girls performing this weekend , I relaized they were all in thier own right a break from the norm, I felt inspired. I came right home that night and wrote a song. I think that sometimes its not about who you are or percieved to be but its about how you handle peoples reaction to you. Whatever, I cant fail if I dont try so I have to at least try. and oh yeah this is the first time i have finished a song in six years, now it seems like my 100 thousand dollar education may have been worth it after all .

Being angry at freinds :I cant be angry at these ex freinds anymore and I also dont have time for enemies. If I rely on some faith I know that they will one day come to thier sinces and unfortunatley I will be long gone but whatever .

Dating: I have definently lost my groove in that area. Cant even say i know how to do it anymore and furthermore who would want to mess with an angry blackman, I know I wouldnt. So i figure once I figure me out which im starting to do and get me in line I will draw the right people to me like I used to be able to do years ago.

Work: I have to ditch that sinking ship . I love my kids (im a teacher) and my community but the beauracracy and the politics have won. i am also tired of having to compromise whop i am and constantly fighting a culture of disrespect.This will be my 5th and last year at the school I work at . so many options are available to me i have to just pick one and make it the right decision. If i didnt need acheck to pay my bills I would quit now but a brother got debt. Interesting thing though , when things consistently dont work out i think its kind of devine intervention telling me i need to move on and its not for me and i really dont remember much that has worked out in my job in the past three years,

well all that being said
Happy New years ( being said in the loudest, most festive bronx puerto rican voice)

Heterosexual Vacation

Hmm Last week i decided to go to one of my favorite str8 clubs in the city . its beginning to become more common for me to be in a str8 club then a gay club these days . anyhow the kind of str8 clubs i am into are usually some old school back packer type spots. This spot is one of my favorites. I decided to go with my brother who is my best freind and who i always have fun with when we go out. we are just on the same page and we know how to wild out for real, been that way since day one. Any how on this particular night we were having our fun drinking and what not . While chilling in the club a girl comes up to me and tells me that her cousins birthday was that day and that she thought i was hot and wanted to take a picture with me. So i was like cool i went over and damn was she fine. She was on a level i never could have gotten back in the day when i was trying to get with females.
Any way we chilled for awhile and the chick was loving me and for the moment i was intrigued plus i had a few drinks and my brother was eating it all up. I told him I messed with dudes about a year and a half ago and he always wants me to cross back over to his side. He really couldnt understand how i could pull such a fly girl . anyhow i chilled with home girl talked with her and all , then she dropped the bomb she was only 18 but whatever that bomb could never top mine. so i rolled with it and tried to play the mildly interested role and all that did was make her want me more.
well the night ended with her putting her number in my phone and her and i making out
hmmm
That shit was hot for real and she was able to get me turned on . and somehow i thought that function didnt work for me with women anymore but it did that day and im sure it would any other day
it all made me stop to think maybe i am more in the grey area but who cares i know what i go after on the regular and thats dudes. however this young girl made me think for a minute.
Long story short i never gave her the call because of a few reasons one she lives far away , two shes too young and three i beleive in karma and me playing around with homegirl would only come back and bite me in the ass.
she was sweet though and in a different world i would have liked to have chilled with her even though she was damn near jail bait.

two observations:
One may be thinking why is this post called heterosexual vacation. Well thats exactly what it felt like, it was a moment to be back in that world . where i could kiss a significant other in public , hold thier hand and just be with them with out that public scrutiny and fear attached to it . Shit for all i know thats what was really turning me on . damn it was nice if only for a little while. although i love who i am its moments like that that make me realize just how different i really am, or we really are . will i live to see the day where i will be able to express affection to my significant other in public , hell do i even want that. I dont even know if i would do it if it was ok , being that i am so brainwashed on the issue .

another observation i had was when my brother kept asking why she picked me (well besides the fact that im fly). i think it was my demeanor in the club. in a str8 club i am looking for no one really so as a result i get women who want to dance with me and all that shit , i do alot better in the str8 clubs these days . On the other hand my brother walks into a club searching. from the minute he comes in the door he is figuratively doing the "have you seen her" dance (hand in a salute position over your eye looking back and forth). hell i admit i have been guilty of this in gay clubs , and i have definently worked the room before (left my freinds where they stood to walk off alone and see who was in the club).
recently i have become a jaded mofo , so that also steers people away . but when i have my moments where im chilling with my boys or by myself just enjoying the music people approach me so i think i better go with that in the future because this is one dateless summer.

Angry BlackMan Syndrome

Angry black man syndrome is a term that my brother and I used to describe my stepfather . I swear he was the most complaining ass black man i ever met. and he constantly had that evil ass attitude. He was like a James Evans/samuel L Jackson on a 10. as a kid i really thought the man was insane and just a complacent mofo. Now while i still do think the same I can understand where that anger comes from

Im the past few months i can say that i have been more angry theni have been in the past few years. And its not just one of those i dont liek my job kind of agries. Its beyond just taking a nap and getting over it. it just a constant cycle of let downs. everyone is letting me down and nothing is working out. I have lost two freinds in the past 6 months and both of them I can say that i was so angry I them I wanted to hurt them. Me wanting to hurt people its just not me. But i am tired of being there for motherfuckers when they are going through there shit and them lossing it on me on some what have you done for me lately shit and in most cases i have done alot.
One of the freinds i lost was over some hes changing his life bullshit , when in relaity he has decided to pursue a more dl lifestyle and some how our friendship cant endure that. That made me sooo angry because i thought our friendship was deeper then that bull , but i guess its not so fuck him and the horse he rode in on (he is still fucking dudes so lets be real no difference between him and i , hell theres is difference i aint hardly fuckign no dudes i digresss)
The other freind i lost was on some money issue . Dude is fucking with my money thinking im rich and can be dicked around liek that and it is ok . he said some evil shit in the process and all i can think right now is I want to smash his ugly face in. damn his is the thanks i get for supporting his shows , and being their everytime his relationships crumble , and staying up on the phone talking to him, and lending him money , and just doing the shit friends do. Although i was pretty clear our friendship was coming to and end there is a certain song and dance to things that should happen. If that song and dance is turned in to a war of word s then you know exactly what you trully meant to that person nothing.
Motherfucker.
I cant believe im having such an A.B.S. (angry blackman syndrome) moment that I cant even
sleep
Next im being forced into financial ruins, bill collecters are fucking me raw dogg with no lube, vaseline, sticky nasty KY, nothing . I was standing on a corner in manhattan cursing out one of them today because he froze my back account after i had already made an agreement to pay things off .Thats just not me i dont speak in that manner but i was seeing red i wanted to wait for him after work and strangle him .
Motherfucker
I think my cable is going to be cut off , after all i payed the suns of bithces they cant wait for 2 more weeks. and half of me is saying cut the shit off , theres nothing to watch on there anyhow and i need to read more anyhow. cutt it off see if i care.
I wont even start on my whole job situation. im so angry about that place i have been having dreams that i have huge collosal arguments with my supervisor and they all end in me telling her to kiss my black ass
Im a good person why am i going through all of this.
And i cant even date anyone anymore because what used to be a wall is now like a fortress. I dont trust motherfuckers be cause of the last dude i was kicking it with who really took advantage of me . he caught me at a moment of weakness and for some reason it was hard for me to let him go, what i was bugging. another person i want to strangle.
Motherfucker
acid reflux WTF of all days why today
Acne WTF of all days why today ( i look like a friggin teenager)
Im such an angry black man,
this post looks like i need therapy ot jesus or something , hell maybe i will try both
I think im goign to go check out Creflo Dollar on saturday (that sounds like a plan )
I think i can go to bed now
(not editing this just letting it flow how i felt it)

The Gay Man's Survey

1. What is the first thing you notice about the same sex? gotta say a handsome clean cut face or a handsome scruffy face.
2. Which male celebrity would you want as a love slave? MOs Def , Common,

3. Gift card winner at work!...which store do you reach for?Urban outfitters, after i put a few dollars to it i can buy a shirt or something.

.4. Admit it, are you a size queen? No way

5. What store do you base your fashion sense on?
a mix of urban outfitters, canal jeans, american eagle outfitters and H&M
6. If you could improve gay pride, what would you improve?I would offer more daytime events (ie. street fare, pic-nic, pool parties etc.)that would be more inclusive to younger people. I would also show those younger people what the older people are doing because i have been to the daytime events and they fascinate me because they are decades ahead of me as far as loving and accepting themselves and having well rounded lives and families.

7. Have you marched in a gay pride parade?
nope not my style

8. Honestly, how many times do you go to the gym?
when im in that zone 3-4 times a week

9. Honestly, how many nights do you go out with the boys?
im assuming this is gay boys, i would say ono to two times a month.
10. How long was your last relationship?
3 long ass months
11. What would you do the moment gay marriage is approved by voters?
i dont know i know i wouldnt get married.
13. Where would you want to have your gay wedding?
in a nice quiet private place out side on a cliff facing the water.
14. Who do you want to be there?
My immidiate family and close and personal friends only , no pitty or political invites

15. What kind of food/ who would cater your gay wedding ?
Soul food ofcourse and maybe some indian food thrown in there.

16. Who is your diva?Jill Scott hands down, and Diana Rss if you want to go classic on me.

17. Which type of gay man do you avoid?Evil bitches, and girly adolescent acting dudes . also dudes who are about only clothes and fashion and have nothing else to contribute to the world.

18. What qualities do you look for in a man?
Inteligence, good looks , masculinity , cultured and knows how to stemulate my mind. some one whose conversation makes me feel tingly
19. What exotic gay locale would you travel to?Brazil
20.what s ong are you tired of hearing?
well i dont have one now but a few months ago it was "i might as well have cheated on you" by keshia Cole, i remember screaming at the Tv/Radio "then go ahead and cheat Bitch and stop whining about it damn"
21. Which club/bar in your gay neighborhood do you wish would just close down because its so tired?
Cant think of one , if they are kind of wack i wont go. i wouldnt even say that about chi chis because its always a good way to get a much needed self esteem boost.

22. Admit it, have you gone thru a vegetarian/vegan phase?
i havent and will not but i think vegans and vegiterians are hot .
23. Which restaurant/type of restaurant would you take a date?
any place where there is intimate seating where we can talk freely and gaze into each others eyes if we feel we should ( damn whatever happened to those days , oh yeah thats right i limit the eye contact these days)
24. How much can you bench?
depends on when was the last time i been to the gym
25. What one part of the male anatomy always get your attention?
a nice ass
.
26. Whole Foods or Bristol Farms? Whole Foods, there is mad eye candy in there , i dont even know what bristol farms is .
27. Do you donate clothes you dont use anymore?
uhhhhh i need to
28. What do you think of Paris Hilton's new singing career?
I dont liek that racist heffa
29. Did you know Godiva Chocolates contain preservatives?
I'm more of a snickers guy.

30. What would you rather watch, hot boys laying out, hot boys playing volleyball or hot boys washing cars?
Playing basketball
31. Do you go return to work late from your 10 minute break?
when i had a job where i could do that i did it all the time but not now.
32. Where do you want to have your dream house?
It would be right here in nyc, preferably in brooklyn or harlem
33. Whats your favorite cologne? Marc jacobs and burberry touch
34. Whats your favorite cologne on him?
Jean paul Gautier gets me opennnnnnnn.
35. Have you worn red to a gay day at an amusement park?
never heard of that
36. What are your favorite TV shows?
pretty much all the reality shows, my name is earl , everybody hates chris, the office, sienfeld re runs and martin
37. Admit it, which TV DVD collection do you own?Roots, and i will own Noah's Arc in a few days :)
39. Admit it, did you ever have a sugar daddy?
never , if old men didnt gross me out i'd consider it but probably my moral foundation would get in the way
40. What is the drink you always order at the club/bar?
Vodca and orange juice.
41. Finish the sentence...when I go to a house party, I avoid....having to stand in one place. i liek to be able to move around but usually i end up in that one place.
42. What embarassing moment are you constantly reminded of?
when i was in high school this guy who i liked that was nice to me but probably didnt get down, we did a show together and while changing backstage one of my nuts fell out of my boxer and i coulf feel the breaze and he was just looking at me like dude are you going to put your nut back in your boxer and i was almost frozen because i was so embarassed
43. What does your last text message say? some ass crack joke i was sending my home girl
44. Admit it, which fast food restaurant lures you each and every time?
all of them but wendys for some reason i think is more healthy then the rest
45. Your date just scored tickets...which singer/performer do you hope they are?
Jilly,
46. Admit it, do you lie about your age?
never , happy to still be alive and rocking out
47. What is your favorite sex position?not important who even still does sex these days lol
48. What movie, in theatres right now, would you take a date?
oh i dont know whats in the movies
49. What movie, in theatres now, would you NOT take a date?
same as 48
50. You're the tour guide...where would you take an out-of-towner who is unfamiliar with your city? harlem, times square, LES, the village and maybe downtown brooklyn.

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid

I scored an average of 3.57

0

1

2

3

4

5

6

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Homosexual

Meaning

This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:

0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but morethan incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentallyheterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual

Summary

The idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.

Take the quiz

20 by the 30th

Aw damn what a crazy past few months it has been . And as a result I spiralled out of control. Recently my grandmother passed ( It's been a few months and I still cant believe it, so funny how we take so many things for granted , we think people will always be around . Wish I spent more time with her and I'm owning that statement, finally. Its rare that we have people in this world that are trully down for us and she was one person that was really down for me .)
The next issue was work. I was doing two jobs and all trying to make these ends meet and go to the gym and do it all . I couldnt hang , I fell off I was so tired and worn out I couldn't beleive it . Shit I'm superman I can do it all well i guess that isn't so . Social life started to become friday nights of passing out on the couch and not waking up till the next morning.
Then somewhere along the way I met this dude who basically challenged everything I beleived in , well basically he tried to control a control freak (or better yet take a little control from a controlfreak , for the record im not about controlling other people just me i control every aspect). I guess lonliness will lead you to do some crazy things. For some reason I couldn't get myself loose of him. It was all that attention maybe but at the end of the day my guard was so up around him and it began to feel like a chore to chill with him . Finally just recently i was able to tell him i can't fuck with him on that level. Im trying to be his freind now but i think at 27 i have all the friends I will have for life. Every time I try to make a new friend i think of all the people who are my friends currently and how much better it would be to be chilling with them then the new applicants ( could just be the applicants are whack though and to be honest the gay freind base is dry.) He seems like he will be a freind I can only take in small doses and I dont think I need another one of those. How genuine is a freindship when i am basically saying the person annoys the hell out of me.
Anyhow all these things considered and I ended up in another depression. This is the first time I was depressed in the spring. I was just feeling rejected. Along with the fact that i have become the king of the single life. I can honestly admit that I no longer even know how to date. That's my new defense mechanism . If they call ok if they dont ok too and I refuse to let him know I think hes cute. Hell I've even gotten to the point where I dont even call. A person can take but so much i guess . As i sit here on my three year anniversarry of being single im starting to ask myself the same questions other ask me "why are you single?" which to me is the same question as "whats wrong with you?" shit i dont know but i do know that the vibe i am putting out isn't helping it much.
Well i think this is a summer for transformations . I get every summer off and in the past my summer revolved around getting drunk having fun and figurring which dude i was trying to holla at . but this summer i want to be about me and me only .
I will start by taking off 20 pounds. I am a weight struggler. In the str8 world i am just fine. hell im a size 34 and i wear mediums and all that but in the gay world i'm a little thick. Well in the gay world if you dont have a six pack you are fat. Adhereing to these kinds of standards alone is kind of like selling out to me but at the end of the day I do think I could have a leaner look and losing weight is not that hard for me I have done it many times before ( hmmmmm writing that statement helps me realize thats a problem) anyhow I got some fly jeans I need to fit into with mad comfort and a few t shirts that show off the pecks and shit to put on. so my goal is to lose 20 pounds by august 30th which will be a challenge but im determined. Being that im not working or stressing myself I should be fine. this amount will take me into that zone that I have gotten to before where I usually stop but I want to keep on going . Ofcourse I will be in the gym also because the goal is not to be ' gay ' skinny but 'gay' phsycally fit.
Besides that the transformation is about getting back into the things I like and stopping this search for something or some one to make the wheels turn and inspire creativity I need to inspire myself and get out there and see the world like i used to.
I'll be blogging my progress as much as possible maybe some one will read this shit maybe not but its about me getting these thoughts out.

It's spring time

Damn i love this time of year
its always kind of when i get out of that winter funk. i must admit winter just sucks sometimes. i think its manily that whole cut off from civilization due to the weather that just gets to me. plus due to the fact that i am a king of the single life that just makes it all the more difficult. but the interesting thing with spring is that is really when the dating life kicks up and i always meet some interesting people . Those meetiongs never go anywhere but i cant hlp but wonder if i met them in the fall would they go farther due to my flakyness and thiers also. i know the last thing i think about this time of year is love. but i think im chnging my mind as far as that goes . im trying to make this the spring/summer of less casual encounters . not like im a big slut or someshit liek that but sometimes i let horny get in the way and end up feeling cheated. So the goal this srping/summer is less is more lets see if it works lol.

The Thickness

Oh damn its that time of year again , the weather is changing , my birthday has passed and I am so horny. and the worse part is that new york winters are so dull that the feeling of spring just lights up my life.The leaves come back. The grass grows back . i start wearing bright colors and all that shit . and most importantly my sex drive comes back. just a ride on the two train is enough. in my most innocent moment im just chilling admiring a dudes beauty and in my most raunchy i am staring at him thinking damn he is thick and sexy and i wonder what he would look like with his legs up in the air. this brings me to the title of the post. thickness. well i will say the last guy i had sex with had the thickness. something new for me . i am used to only sexing skinny dudes but this dude had an ass and all. now i did have one other guy who was similar but he had other issues. but after the last thickness i had i am changing. now not to say i will never fuck with a skinny dude but im thinking damn cant imagine all the thickness i missed out on. in my recent trip to betroit a few days ago i met one of the sexy dudes ever over there. one of the things i could remember him saying as we danced was something to the affect of him being fat. shocking to me but he was just a little thick and it was beyond sexy to me. i dont know what it is but i am one who is always down for what everyone else is not into. and its so easy to find some muscular abs and pecks in the gay scene it is honestly getting cliche and its boring. i like to undress a dude and see something i never saw before or feel as though they are different.. anyhow dude in detroit i felt like he was adhearing to the gay concept of weight . for example in my opinion gay people feel that if you do not have a six pack you are fat . period point blank. and if you consider yourself thick then you are definently fat. now to me dude was only about 10 pounds overweight maybe but that ten pounds hit him in all the right places. i have been a person who had weight issues in the past and the gay standard didnt help . for a good few years i got caught up in it until i woke up one day and said "wait when the fuck did i care what some one thought of me, i know im as fly as they come ( and its not just looks but i am also easy on the eyes)" i mean compared ot the str8 world were a size 38 is the average , i would say the gay world average is a 32. this is interesting because i was looking at pictures of myself from a few months ago and i was like damn who is this in the picture, i never want to look this small its just not me, there was nothing really wrong with my thickness or anyone elses for that matter.

If....

I swipped this from some one its kinda cool

1. If you had to describe the most memorable night of your life, what would you say?
i have more then one but the one that sicks out right now is when i was walking down the street kissing my ex, for one moment in time i felt normal and i felt like love was real.
2. If you had to name the best album cover ever, which would it be?
Bitches Brew by Miles Davis, i think that shit looks so cool.
3. If you had to give up your favorite food forever, what is the minimum amount of money you would demand in return?
Fried Chicken 50,000
4. If you have can have anyone from history welcome you into the afterlife, who would you want it to be?
My Grandma
5. If you had to name the single most erotic part of the human body, what would it be?
Lower back , thighs aww fuck it a nice ass ( i dont care what anyone thinks thats real)
6. If you could say (or have said) one thing to your father on his deathbed, what would it be?
What was the reason for your absense (and at this age i'd actually listen and attempt to understand)
7. If you could have any view in the world visible from your bed, what would it be?
The Manhattan Sky line
8. If you could have prevented any single fashion idea or trend from ever happening, which would you have stopped?
The fanny pouch , what the fuck were people thinking and the fact that peopel still wear them , it throws me into a mini fit when i see them i was to stop them and ask " that shit cant fit into your pockets or bookbag ".
9. If you were to select a moment when you were convinced that an angel was watching over you, when would it have been?
I think there is always an angel over my shoulder especially when i get on the 2 train drunk as hell and reach home sleeping the whole way and dont get jacked at all.
10. If you could have heard the death bed confession of one person from history, who would you pick?
Mrvin Gaye , i would have really liked to have picked his brain and seen what was really going on.
11. If you could prevent someone from overusing one word, who would it be, and what word would it be?
irregardless, its a doublnegative and it irritates the hell out of me ( and why not throw in pacific, people who use that intead of specific make me crazy)

12. If you were to pick a city whose character best represents your own personality, which would you choose?
N y c , i am wild and crazy at times but i am also cultured and fast pased and sophistocated.

13. If you suddenly found the courage to do one thing you always been afraid of doing, what would you want it to be?
Swimming (hell i was a real inner city black youth and i never learned how to do that)
14. If you could commission of any living author to write a new book, who would you choose, and what you want them to write about?Will update when i get ananswer)

15. If you could have changed the mind of one person from history on one issue, who and what issue would you pick? (will update when i get an answer)

16. If you were to have three new baby daughters, what would you name them? (will update when i get an answer)

17. If you had to name the most gullible person you know, who is it?
(Will update when i get an answer.)
18. If you were to confess to how many people you have honestly been in love with, what would you say?
I would say half because i dont think i was in love but i was as close as im ever going to get.

19. If you could give an Academy Award to the most underappreciated actor in the history of Hollywood, who would you award it to?Nicholas cage that confused eye brow shit he does is priceless

20. If you could completely remove someone’s vocal cords for one year, whose would they be?
George W. Bush (he really brings out my inner Nat Turner)

The Latest Cat

How do I define myself ?
a good question I always ask myself . When I think of who I am I choose not to put myself in a little box. Black and gay are not the words that define me most. As a matter of fact I don't even consider myself to be gay , was never a word that fit into my make up . I still haven't found a word that describes what it is I am but that one doesn't fit me well.
Well I have been kicking it with this cat for the past few weeks. (thinking Trying to find the best way to describe him) well he is a cutie for sure . Not what I always go for but nonetheless interesting . We had one of those weekend dates that leaves you wanting more . The thing I liked most about him was that he was a man about his. Sometimes masculinity can out rule looks for me . Something about kissing and sexing a man that looks and acts like a man that turns me on. Anyway our weekend date left me wanting more. But the brother has a lot of minuses. More minuses then pluses. He's one of those that when you tell your friends about them they say "now you know he is not in your league" and as much as I agree with them my pride will not allow me to admit it nor admit that the reason I kick it with him is based on the fact that there are no other options out their for me at the moment and he is a good "in between man". What are the minuses , so many to list and when I start to do that they begin to cancel him out. He doesn't have a job( at first when I was trying to get some I thought oh well his problem not mine , but damn that shit is a turn off alot of his mentality reminds me of the nonchalant attitude that is stifling the black community) , he smokes up like crazy, has proved himself to be extremely inconsistent ( in a effort to put some distance between himself and I he didn't call me for a good 5 days then popped up like everything was all good)and he speaks as if he is deep when in reality he has nothing to say.
anyway after him proving his level of inconsistency I decided to give him another try . From the beginning he could detect my attitude with him over the phone . I think I have entered an age in my life where I cant even force myself to be phony the realness just comes out anyway, it can even come out when I really may not be keeping it real.
so we met up, (which consisted of him coming over and chilling. I wanted to go of the movies but he didn't so we ended up just chilling here and talking for what seemed like hours then hitting up a diner. ( Side Bar: he wasnt a man about his anymore his real personality showed up, i remember joking about having his representative come back , it was one of those joke but not really a joke moments lol) Our talking consisted mostly of him spewing off his "philosophy " drawn from an immense pool of ignorance but nonetheless I gave it a good ear. He made it his business to constantly check me for not being to responsive to what he was saying , when in all honesty I wasn't responding because I didn't have anything to say. This man does not catch my mind at all. I wanted him to shut up for real.
Then we got into the discussion of the fact that he was out to his family and I wasn't. And he went through the whole thing of how I was afraid of societies opinion of who I was and as long as I was afraid societies opinion I didn't know who I was. And he rode his soap box on this issue for awhile. I really do not see what difference coming out would make in my life . The reason I choose to keep this part of My life a secret to most people I know is just because its not all of who I am . It is not something by which I choose to be known for. I have no interest in being someones gay friend/relative etc. I choose to be known for who I truly am and that doesn't mean I don't know who I am. I know very well who I am its just that every one else doesn't know the whole of who I am but they know the essence of who I am .
So I guess another one bites the dust. After this last visit he now calls every day and I have less and less to say and almost no interest in him i guess he will catch the drift after awhile.

update

its been a minute since i posted
in the interim many things have happened.
one of the main things was the loss of my grandmother . i wont go much into it but this was a very hard thing to go through . she was trully some one special in my life. she is also the first person that i have lost that was really close to me . lossing a loved one makes me sit back and think . think about that person and think about my own mortality. makes me think if she had lived it to the extent that she wanted to . was she happy , did she take every chance she needed to , did she experience all she wanted to and it leaves me to think the same things for myself.In retrospect i think she did it all and i think she lived her life liek it was golden . now how about me , i know for sure i am in the beginning stage and i havent even begin to start the journey we call life. Oh boy i have so many things to do.

MY Darius Lovehall

Hmm i think that darius was one of the flyest dudes ever .
I mean the way he was is just perfect . i ve always thought that would be the type of dude for me to be with he was smart , artistic good looking , passionate all that shit . i always thought hmm would i ever meet him or some one liek that .
after years of searching met him two times
went on a date with him kissed him felt tingly didnt want to leave got on a plane and came back home to my reality .
met him both times in atl
my first darius lovehall was a trip, one of the most beautiful dudes i have ever met. He walked with the light ( that the best way i can describe it, it seemed as though something was shining over him.) I met him in bulldogs maybe two years ago and went back to atl for pride that same year and met up with him again. He drives a funky asss truck doesnt care if his locks look unkept, writes songs and thought i was too fly for words. i can still rememebr what his body looks like what his kiss was like , the way he smilled and danced while we were at the bowling alley it was one of the best dates of my life . i got on the plane and came back to the cold ass nyc. In time the communication fell off . along with him telling me something about himself which took a little away from his shine. but damn in retrospect i think i could still have been with him .
My second darius Lovehall . well this one is kinda still fresh he is still very much in my system in a way . i actually met him here on new years day 2005. and interesting day i was at rockwells i was drunk and i was in whorish mode , lets be real about it i was dancing and collecting numbers. darius lovehall 2 came up to and started to kick it , now the irony is the night before i saw him in krash ( ill yuck nasty dont liek that spot) i was there with one of my boys (ooh let me give him a name like other people do on thier blogs im sure ill mention him again) im goign to call him Carmex( if oyu saw his lips you get it but hes hot we go back and hes my boy)anyhow in the midst of collecting numbers and being in whoremode darrius lovehall 2 was not the main thing on my mind. i actually ended up hooking up with some one else that night. only embarassed about it because part of my new years resolution was no more hooking up ( hooking up for me means usually some making out a little jerky jerky maybe and posibbly some sucky sucky i rarely have sex cause im scared to death of it to be honest with you) now its not that I hook up much but i go for long extenuated times of no involvement and then i just have to have something and a hook up is aight until i find what i really want and a person i really want would know because i wouldnt be all on thier ass in most cases lol. sometimes i cant resist. anyway i digress
back to darius lovehall 2 well i was a dick with him and he eventually got back with his boyfreind and told me he would rather not speak to me anymore . and in all honesty i didnt care. when we were speaking i told him i usually go to atl easter weekend, so low and behold there he was in the club and what a night it was. we danced the whole night and ended it with a kiss eventhough i was under the impression he had a man dont know if it was true or not but you make exceptions for a daius lovehall. any way we communicated for awhile and it fell off.
fast foreward to king weekend 2006 i went to a club yet again on the last night i was in atl and who did i see darius lovehall 2. wow i was bugging and we exchanged number and met up and had a date and he then drove me to the airport. being in his pressence this time i felt as though i had met the one i mean i'll explain . he is about 5 9 average height and build but so not average , extremely cute , and funky . he is the type of dude that could care less if he matches . he has every cd i do he loves JIll and thats a plus and he adores me . our date was so hot and we really didnt do much , but a day in his life was enough, just walking around with him was cool and seeing his world and another side of atl. anyhow we got back to the airport and i swear i didnt want to leave . we kissed and kissed and kissed . just thinking about being intimate with him made me feel tingly . anyway during the kissing he touched my dick and i didnt know what to do if i could just have frozen that moment in time . at that moment i was feeling somehting i hadnt felt in awhile ( well since darius lovehall one lol and this little wack ass dude in between he was more like an eric benet you know comes off like a darius lovehall but is actually the typical nigga on some bullshit) any how the whole experience was great . unlike other peopel i will dive right into things i know wont go anywhere just to have the experrience , why not. now its a bout a month later and we are kinda drifting apart because i cant do it anymore ( the long conversations and all and the false hope that someday we will chill agian and i pretty much kissed my atl living situation inquiries good bye)
so the purpose of this post is to acknowledge the fact that the darius lovehall is what i like and in order to find what i want i need to see what it is they had.
1) Inteligent
2) Funky ( both dudes were stylish rebels and extremely indiviual that shit made my dick hard)
3) unconventional beauty ( both was fly but they would never be adam4adam poster boys but they was so fly to me )
4) they had something to say , something to live for , purpose and conviction
5) they adored me ( it wasnt like other dates with the typical nyc gay riff raff, where cell phones are going off and im half interested and the other dude is trying to figure if im thugged out or whatever or if im to pretty to fuck him or whatever
6) i was extremely attracted ( very important i often kick it with people i dont like and it goes nowhere just because im trying to go for something different)
7) walks with the light
so with all this in mind i think i can look for what it is i really really want.

One is the lonliest number

Hmm. i wasnted to go out tonight . called up one of my boys last night asked if he was free he said yes and now its 12 39 and i am sitting writing on this damn blog that no one reads. cant really be upset with him this behavior goes pretty much in line with whats been going on with me these days . all my boys have shacked up pretty much left me dolo. usually it doesnt happen this way but i must admit winters are always ruff on me especially since i been living alone . winter is cold and lonely and i cant wait for the season to change. i guess next year i better follow the trend ( i dont know i say it as if i could ever do something so stupid) anyway thats that i think i might make it a year with out having sex (well i fooled around but that dont count)

Who is a real friend

for the record i have been in the life for 4 years (damn my 4 year anniversary came and went , i forgot about it ) i think in this blog i will talk about alot of my experiences.
today im going to talk about who is a real friend in this lifestyle
an incident comes to mind that happened about a 8 months ago
their was a guy i was kicking it with in the summer of 2004, well let me be real not kicking it it was more like i wanted to kick it and he wanted to fuck around. Not that im a ho but there are some people i will come at like a slut ( and if i had to take a vote people like the slut more the other side no one really cares about ) and some people i will hold off on to get to know because i want more and he was one of those people. the funny part is i think i was more of the type of person he'd want to jump off with.any how me and dude kicked it two times in one day on our first date , he took me to a cook out with his freinds then called me up to go spend the night with him at a freinds house he was sitting for . i let that convince me that he had some sort of interest in me. anyhow i will remember durring the fooling around i stopped things when they were getting to far because i didnt see why we should go there.
Two things were done by him durring that night that should have clued me into where this was going
1) he said we will make good friends ( i ignored that)
2) he didnt kiss me before we parted ( i beleive that if you do not get that kiss before you walk out the door after doing god knows what the night before the person doesnt like you , or they may like you but your just a jump off and its not that serious)
any way all things considered i thought that i had met some one who was about something and not like he rest of the trash in the club( a good lesson learned the trash at the club can morph themselves into different personalities in order to lure you inn on occassion not that he was trash but it is something i have experienced with others before). so i kept the communication going ( oh yeah when you call some one all the time and they dont call you , that means they dont liek you). even though he never called me i thought to myself well he doesnt send me to voicemail and we always have a discussion. plus i think personality wise my representative was taking over (I have to think of a name for him) and my representative is nothing liek me , hes very mild mannered and passive and quiet and for awhile he has been very dead. its just sometimes when i meet some one i really like i dont want to show them the real deal in fear they will walk out because to be honest i can be one wild and crazy cussing mofo but i am crazy fun and soemtimes i think thats part of the reason my real freinds like me because im always living my life liek its golden.
anyhow i digress
i stopped calling dude but we saw each other around alot at clubs and what have you
and he would always give the stop and chat and the fake ass hug like we was cool like that . this i think is so unnecessary and i dont understand the phoniness that goes on .anyway one night in a drunkin mode i snubbed dude
fast forward to now he became a freind of one of my friends , you know that always happens , the circle is way too small. my friend for some reason thought we might know each other and asked me if i knew him i said yes and then he asked dude if he knew me and he tried to act like he didnt. after he gave in and said he knew me he went on to bad mouth me and talk about how shady i was, here where the real friend comes in . my freind preceeded to tell him off and discontinue communication . even after that they saw one another and my friend called him on the fake ass behavior that he does which is soemthing i doubt i would do but i though it was fly that he would do such a thing
now one may wonder why this stands out to me . mainly because i think friendships in this lifestyle are mainly fake i have people who consider themselves to be my best freinds and they still have conversations with several people who talk shit about me. they will call me up and say xyz person said xyz about you and i think to myself hmmm i dont think i would have let that go to far but considering you did i will put that in my memory file and keep the pending stamp on your friendship application.

Rumors

This is my first blog an i should introduce myself but i figure i will do that at some other time
but today i want to talk about rumors
well before i even begin all i can think of is this song by a gospel group thati dont know of but i have them on my ipod and the song brings tears to my eyes eventhough im technically not a christian and there is a line in it that goes " i pray for you you pray for me i love you i need you to survive, i wont harm you with words from my mouth i love you i need you to survive"
do we really need each other to survive , hell yeah we do . and that line makes me think about how much people have hurt me with words from thier mouths and i am sure that i have done the same.
so the matter at hand
I am by day a nyc public school teacher . joined the profession in the beginning because i wanted to do some meaningful work with my day times and it leaves me ample time to pursue my musical career. well in the few years i have been teaching it basically consumes all my time and my musical career is a distant memory. when everi do write a song im surprised i still remember how to do that. the job though has always been difficult to me i wonder why. an artist friend once told me that i will continue to have difficulty in all of these things i pursue outside of my purpose until i begin to pursue what is my purpose.
anyhow in this environment i am somewhat of a celebrity (if we can call it that). so along with celebrity status comes the rumor mill
the latest rumours are two rumors that contradict one another. rumour one that i want to marry a coworker and rumour two that i am gay , shocking well both are. once again some one has harmed me with words from their mouth
their is such a crime in being different and i have been paying the price for that crime since day one.
im not marrying homegirl although i love her to death and she means alot to me
am i gay well i would definenetly never call myself that..... I am a black man i really dont identify with that term
not that i would have to explain myself
maybe im bi who knows i have never really sat back to think about as much i just do me and spread love and give love when need be and beleive that love has no titleor gender(hmm that sounds kinda gay ) whatever all i know is that im not confused and the least you make it an issue in your life then it becomes not an issue , maybe thats why i feel offended by the whole thing
in my own personal opinion the whole gay thing is seen in the str8 world as oh hes gay and all they can see is a dick going up your ass. so i guess thats why it offends me because thats not my reality. any how freinds have been dispelling the rumour and strrangely enough it doesnt hurt me as much as it would have in the past but it does sting to know that people who i have not harmed with words from my mouth have no problem harming me just to get a glimpse inside my life ....