20 by the 30th

Aw damn what a crazy past few months it has been . And as a result I spiralled out of control. Recently my grandmother passed ( It's been a few months and I still cant believe it, so funny how we take so many things for granted , we think people will always be around . Wish I spent more time with her and I'm owning that statement, finally. Its rare that we have people in this world that are trully down for us and she was one person that was really down for me .)
The next issue was work. I was doing two jobs and all trying to make these ends meet and go to the gym and do it all . I couldnt hang , I fell off I was so tired and worn out I couldn't beleive it . Shit I'm superman I can do it all well i guess that isn't so . Social life started to become friday nights of passing out on the couch and not waking up till the next morning.
Then somewhere along the way I met this dude who basically challenged everything I beleived in , well basically he tried to control a control freak (or better yet take a little control from a controlfreak , for the record im not about controlling other people just me i control every aspect). I guess lonliness will lead you to do some crazy things. For some reason I couldn't get myself loose of him. It was all that attention maybe but at the end of the day my guard was so up around him and it began to feel like a chore to chill with him . Finally just recently i was able to tell him i can't fuck with him on that level. Im trying to be his freind now but i think at 27 i have all the friends I will have for life. Every time I try to make a new friend i think of all the people who are my friends currently and how much better it would be to be chilling with them then the new applicants ( could just be the applicants are whack though and to be honest the gay freind base is dry.) He seems like he will be a freind I can only take in small doses and I dont think I need another one of those. How genuine is a freindship when i am basically saying the person annoys the hell out of me.
Anyhow all these things considered and I ended up in another depression. This is the first time I was depressed in the spring. I was just feeling rejected. Along with the fact that i have become the king of the single life. I can honestly admit that I no longer even know how to date. That's my new defense mechanism . If they call ok if they dont ok too and I refuse to let him know I think hes cute. Hell I've even gotten to the point where I dont even call. A person can take but so much i guess . As i sit here on my three year anniversarry of being single im starting to ask myself the same questions other ask me "why are you single?" which to me is the same question as "whats wrong with you?" shit i dont know but i do know that the vibe i am putting out isn't helping it much.
Well i think this is a summer for transformations . I get every summer off and in the past my summer revolved around getting drunk having fun and figurring which dude i was trying to holla at . but this summer i want to be about me and me only .
I will start by taking off 20 pounds. I am a weight struggler. In the str8 world i am just fine. hell im a size 34 and i wear mediums and all that but in the gay world i'm a little thick. Well in the gay world if you dont have a six pack you are fat. Adhereing to these kinds of standards alone is kind of like selling out to me but at the end of the day I do think I could have a leaner look and losing weight is not that hard for me I have done it many times before ( hmmmmm writing that statement helps me realize thats a problem) anyhow I got some fly jeans I need to fit into with mad comfort and a few t shirts that show off the pecks and shit to put on. so my goal is to lose 20 pounds by august 30th which will be a challenge but im determined. Being that im not working or stressing myself I should be fine. this amount will take me into that zone that I have gotten to before where I usually stop but I want to keep on going . Ofcourse I will be in the gym also because the goal is not to be ' gay ' skinny but 'gay' phsycally fit.
Besides that the transformation is about getting back into the things I like and stopping this search for something or some one to make the wheels turn and inspire creativity I need to inspire myself and get out there and see the world like i used to.
I'll be blogging my progress as much as possible maybe some one will read this shit maybe not but its about me getting these thoughts out.