The Latest Cat

How do I define myself ?
a good question I always ask myself . When I think of who I am I choose not to put myself in a little box. Black and gay are not the words that define me most. As a matter of fact I don't even consider myself to be gay , was never a word that fit into my make up . I still haven't found a word that describes what it is I am but that one doesn't fit me well.
Well I have been kicking it with this cat for the past few weeks. (thinking Trying to find the best way to describe him) well he is a cutie for sure . Not what I always go for but nonetheless interesting . We had one of those weekend dates that leaves you wanting more . The thing I liked most about him was that he was a man about his. Sometimes masculinity can out rule looks for me . Something about kissing and sexing a man that looks and acts like a man that turns me on. Anyway our weekend date left me wanting more. But the brother has a lot of minuses. More minuses then pluses. He's one of those that when you tell your friends about them they say "now you know he is not in your league" and as much as I agree with them my pride will not allow me to admit it nor admit that the reason I kick it with him is based on the fact that there are no other options out their for me at the moment and he is a good "in between man". What are the minuses , so many to list and when I start to do that they begin to cancel him out. He doesn't have a job( at first when I was trying to get some I thought oh well his problem not mine , but damn that shit is a turn off alot of his mentality reminds me of the nonchalant attitude that is stifling the black community) , he smokes up like crazy, has proved himself to be extremely inconsistent ( in a effort to put some distance between himself and I he didn't call me for a good 5 days then popped up like everything was all good)and he speaks as if he is deep when in reality he has nothing to say.
anyway after him proving his level of inconsistency I decided to give him another try . From the beginning he could detect my attitude with him over the phone . I think I have entered an age in my life where I cant even force myself to be phony the realness just comes out anyway, it can even come out when I really may not be keeping it real.
so we met up, (which consisted of him coming over and chilling. I wanted to go of the movies but he didn't so we ended up just chilling here and talking for what seemed like hours then hitting up a diner. ( Side Bar: he wasnt a man about his anymore his real personality showed up, i remember joking about having his representative come back , it was one of those joke but not really a joke moments lol) Our talking consisted mostly of him spewing off his "philosophy " drawn from an immense pool of ignorance but nonetheless I gave it a good ear. He made it his business to constantly check me for not being to responsive to what he was saying , when in all honesty I wasn't responding because I didn't have anything to say. This man does not catch my mind at all. I wanted him to shut up for real.
Then we got into the discussion of the fact that he was out to his family and I wasn't. And he went through the whole thing of how I was afraid of societies opinion of who I was and as long as I was afraid societies opinion I didn't know who I was. And he rode his soap box on this issue for awhile. I really do not see what difference coming out would make in my life . The reason I choose to keep this part of My life a secret to most people I know is just because its not all of who I am . It is not something by which I choose to be known for. I have no interest in being someones gay friend/relative etc. I choose to be known for who I truly am and that doesn't mean I don't know who I am. I know very well who I am its just that every one else doesn't know the whole of who I am but they know the essence of who I am .
So I guess another one bites the dust. After this last visit he now calls every day and I have less and less to say and almost no interest in him i guess he will catch the drift after awhile.