What kind of fuckery is this?

Continuing with the Amy Winehouse theme
What kind of fuckery is this, I mean really? #1

Mr. Sexy

1st text: I want to c u
2nd text: Thinkin about you
( so im game and like lets meet up he says yes)

next text: I just got home in Jersey , the buses don't run well , if I come to meet you I may have to spend the night yada yada yada, wa wa wonk wa wa

he didnt show up

the next day text messaging :yada yada yada , I got locked out the house , homie I'm staying with aint got the keys, yada yada woopdie woo, I gotta pick up my guitar . I am back in jersey Im tired as hell I can't come through (I personally was at the bar getting my drink on flirting been done moved on)


What kind of Fuckery is this?
I know exactly what kind of fuckery it is. Hmm, let me go through my memory file and get a few pointers.
1) Always text you and uses minimal phone calling
2) Bullshits you all day and cancels
3) Keeps you hanging on (or at least thinks he is )

Answer: This mofo has a man
I know he cant be that confused and flaky
To be continued..... We had such a great vibe at the club I hope I am wrong (giving myself the girl please eye.)

What kind of Fucker is this, I mean really? #2

Im at a bar last night (where I was while Mr. Sexy was texting me)

We will call him Sparkle (because there is something shiney about him, I just can't put my finger on it.)

Sparkle came up to me and here is the Dialogue

Sparkle: You are a teacher right?
Kindacleva: Yes I am
Sparkle: Do you remember me?
Kindacleva: yes
Sparkle: you was so drunk the night we met
Kindacleva: I know , But I remember you
Sparkle: How are the kids, How is work?
Kindacleva: Great
(and he walks away)

Now the whole time I was acting like a shady mofo. Usually when I want to talk to some one I ask questions and I engage myself in the convo.

Back Story: I met him on the train on the way home from the club in the summer. I was drunk but not whiteboy drunk I knew what was going on. We exchanged numbers and set up to chill the next day. Upon which he asked if I would be cooking dinner. I hadn't planned to but I thought dude was cute so I went out to do some light grocery shopping to cook him something. He was supposed to show up at 8 . He never showed up, never called, nothing.

Back to the bar

I am walking through the bar and he stops me again.

Sparkle: Are you leaving
Kindacleva: No
Sparkle: Oh ok, How come you never called me
Kindacleva: I did , I called planned for us to meet and when the time came you never showed up.
Sparkle: No not true, you never called
(He looked like he was telling the truth but I'm no fucking freshmen , he rememdered who I was and all, I was giving him the girl please eye and he never caught on to it.)
Kindacleva: I did
Sparkle: well lets exchange numbers
Kindacleva: ok (thinking whatever lets see what he does) I will give you my number
Sparkle: My phone is in my jacket pocket I will give you mine and you can give me a call.
Kindacleva: No I will send you a text and you call me.
Sparkle: Ok I will do that

What kind of Fuckery is this?

I know exactly what kind of fuckery this is , going into the memory file again.

1) you made plans he totally flaked out, didn't even cancel, he just didn't show up. Haven't heard from him since.
2) He sees you out and finally gets up the nerve to speak (his bourgious ass had a few sips of the red wine and he is feeling sexy and got some balls)

Answer: This mofo just wants to get back in. He saw me out and was like damn I fucked that up let me see if I could get back in. And he just knows because he got this cute little ass when he gives me his number im just going to jump on it (that's where the red wine came in.)

Why did he cancel, who knows maybe his steady dick was headed over, and why chance new dick you never seen for the old one you know well. Or maybe he fell asleep (girl please eyes). Or maybe he was playing a game and wanted to see if I would chase him .

Now all that being said if he wanted back in he would have gotten mad respect if he just walked up to me and appologized for what he did. He really wouldn't have even had to tell me why he did what he did . Appologize be a man about it and I gotta respect that and I will kick it with you if i am bored twitling my fingers and have completely ran out of shit to watch on x tube and ran completely out of vaseline.

What Kind of fuckery is this I mean really? #3

So this dude I have known for a few years and we see each other out, we have been meaning to kick it for years and every now and then we get consistent. His only problem is he wants to be pursued and I don't do that, it's never thats serious 50 50 with me or nothing. I did recently troop it out to "Carajo Land" (newyourican for west bubblefuck) to go to a party he was having that was lame. Considering how far I went for him I would think that would show initiative . So he sends me this text.

" I am home from my trip n have a week off, whats good when we chillin"

I responded

"wednesday"

Wednesday came and he he hit me up online saying , "Oh we supposed to chill and you never even called" to which I never responded, because I was like shit if you want to chill why should I have to chase you around like your a little girl.
Today I get a text that says

"Had the week off, thanks to those who chose to chill with me for those who didn't spring cleaning is coming up n yes this is a group message"

What kind of Fuckery is this?
Hmm checking my memory file ............. coming up blank

This is some new fuckery. I have always thought this dude was sending mass text where I was concerned. I am left to assume his first text was a mass text and probably all the text he sends me are. How fucking tacky is that. I mean I get my playa playa on myself but I would have never sent a text thanking all those that took me out on a date this week and then vilifying those who didn't and telling them they will be erased. Mofo erase me because I don't give a rats ass. He got a nice little booty though but what he fails to realize is he is old school now and there is nice new 22 and 23 year old booty on the scene so him erasing my number isn't going to affect me not one bit.

Try To make me go to rehab, I said no no no...

Well carrying on with the Amy Winehouse theme I was feet first in the crack house yesterday. But I decided not to go straight to adam I decided to start with his ghetto little sister BGC. And it was like riding a horse . I hit up dudes they hit me up . Before I knew it 4 hours flew by and I was still sitting there juggling about 5 different chats on Yahoo, AIM and BGC. It was interesting , it was alright but somewhere in the back of my head I was thinking hmm where is all of this going and with the fire burning inside of me all this wasn't queltching it.

So I decided to go out to splash , after talking to one of the dudes from bgc on the phone I got up fixed my hair up, took a shower and when I went to get dressed I realized the shirt I brought didn't fit at all , it didnt even close to fit. Oh shit this could have ruined the night because I had planed for that to be my next club outfit but I had to recycle a shirt that I had worn 2 weeks ago to a house party but it was all good I wasn't going to let that stop me.

I decided I was going to step out last night with a positivity molotov coctail . This consisted of my ipod with a playlist of only happy uplifting songs , alot of gospel mixed in and the main ingredient watermelon vodka and cranberry in one bottle and watermelon vodka and grape juice in the other bottle , who says vodka and gospel dont go together , in my world they are a perfect match. I was having my own private party coming from the bronx into the city and by the time I hit 96 street I was kind of lit. When I got of at 18th street couldn't nobody tell me I wasn't the shit , couldn't nobody tell me life wasn't great and amazing, nothing could break my stride.
So I got in the club, it was cute, lots of people , the energy was great. The energy of splash on a tuesday night is always great. I would say splash and the defunct luke and leroy always were the ideal spots for me and the vibe is always good. It doesnt feel like culture club or now Shelter where I feel like I am being sized up from the moment I step in the door. Those parties to me bring in an element of fashion faboulosity and elitist attitudes. It's not like I can't roll with em because I can stroll with the best, but it isn't me. The inner me is a nerdy black boy from Queens who read books during gym and once wore church shoes and a pink dress shirt to school in the 7th grade circa 1991 a very bold move and fashion no no for the time period oh yeah and dressing like that was also like commining social suicide but hell I had no freinds so it didn't matter. In Splash I feel relaxed and u can be you in that club. You just go have some drinks and have fun, thats what everyone is doing there having fun. 75 percent of Shelter is mingling and looking and sizing up, people aren't dancing like there is no tomorrow in there, not unless they are white boy drunk. Anyhow I digress.

So I do the coat check thing take a leak and hit the dancefloor at splash. The minute I hit the floor I see this dude and I'm like fuck he is cute. But he was dancing with some one and I was thinking he probably won't like me anyway but whatever won't let that fuck with my positivity molotov coctail ( I am human insecurity does sneak in every now and then.) Anyhow I stayed there and started to get my boogie on and when I turned around none other then Mr. Sexy was looking at me well not looking but staring. So I said "whats up " and we started dancing and talking . He kept telling me how good he thought I looked. I loved it I didn't want to let him go. Then I did something I dont do (one of my new philosophies when you keep doing the same thing you get the same results) I had to pee badl, I told him I had to go to the bathroom but I didn't want to leave him. So I asked him to come with me. He did we held hands walking to the bathroom and coming back. Then we sat at a table and talked for a minute where I told him I want to be with one person . In 30 minutes I broke every rule in the playa handbook. On page one it tells not to hold hands at the club, discuss how you really feel about relationships and yeah let some dude know he has got you burning up on the inside. If "Don Majic Wand" could see me now he would take his walking stick and shove it right into my windpipe. Well fuck the playa handbook, that shit aint got me nuthing but lonely winter after winter, time to do something new.

So finally he did have to leave I walked him to coat check, yup holding his hand. He introduced me to like 8 friends he got his coat we hugged and yes there was a peck or two and he left. I stayed he said he would let me know when he got in, and yes he actually did , I was still at the club. After he left I got another drink and the D.J. got wicked on the turntables and I danced like my life depended on it and I had such a good time.

The Universe is a trip , I guess I really dont need BGC or Cousin Adam after all and the universe had to express that to me blatantly.

I feel like Amy Winehouse in a crack house smoking a cigarette

She knows damn well she is going to try and get a hit of that pipe.
(Amy get out the Crackhouse Yo!!!!)

So let me make the connection.

I am off work this week. And I must admit there is a fire burning inside of me. If some one doesn't put there ass in my face in the next 24-36 hours I am going to lose it.

This apartment, is my crack house. I have nothing to do here and all I can think about is sex. It's only a matter of time before I call up cousin adam and see if he can find me some dates (rejoin adam for adam.)
And for sure cousin adam is my crack. Cousin adam is a waste of my time, he is addictive, he can ruin lives etc. just like crack.
I just text my sponsor (my friend who I deleted all the sites with on january 1st) Well he has found a man so he can't relate to the fire that is burning inside of me .

Shit let me look through some pics, I gotta post some hot shit , I'm not fucking around...

Rejection

So I said I would talk about decenmeber , Hmmm well I am just getting back form a night out and what happened tonight is recalling to me to december. Well in December I was with two guys who were my dream guys . Two, can you fucking believe that, and in the month of february neither one is around . what a moment.

Maybe when he told me his favorite cd was from Jaged Edge I should have known it wouldn't work .
Or was it the way he downplayed the fact that I would be out of town . I thought damn I'm coming back it will be all good . We have mad time when I get back. But I really think he wanted me to cancel my trip

or was it the fact that I dated his friend who he down played on our date . Truth be told his friend also kissed me on the night that we exchanged numbers and yes he saw us lol.

Whatever , when I got back from dc it was dead . He gave me the I will call you back game and never did. Damn he looked like the man I wanted . I mean he was everything I would ever need to be phsyically attracted . I have met 2 guys in my whole life that were 100 percent what I would have drawn in the picture of what I am 100 percent attracted to.
Let me be real I used to always see him out and day dream about that being the dude that I wanted and Imagine actually having the oportunity to meet him and chill with him and go on a date with him , and hear him tell me that he wanted to see me . To see more of me. And then nothing . Rejection, I can't take it well . I used to not be able to take it . This book I am reading tells me about all of these things I have chosen. I chose the parents I have, I chose the life I live, I chose all of these things pre-birth because it was something that I needed to over come in order to be able to go to the next level on my journey in life. I chose this dude, he would be the last to reject me and hurt my feelings. When I figured he was rejecting me , I was hurt I mean really hurt . I didnt go out for almost 2 months in fear of seeing him . but recently I got over it I think and I started going out, but it wasnt until tonight that I saw him . He acknowledge me but then again he didn't. I had to acknowledge him first . Then there was a time when he stared at me in the club . And then there was the moment when I was talking to another dude and I thought, me thinking about this other dude who has proved to me isn't worthy of me is a waste of time. Then there was the sad walk back to the train station where i thought wow, I'm too fucking fly for this bullshit. I wake up too early in the morning and plant too many seeds to be sittting thinking that I won't be granted the best . He turned me down but you know what, fuck him and the horse he road in on. If he doesnt realize what he gave up on fuck em, he isn't the one for me. Fuck him and many others . I am erasing all the people who have me on the back burner it doesnt help to communicate with those who dont have me in the front and then give half my attention to those who do want me .
I walked back to the train in the rain with my yellow umbrella. Something about that umbrella makes me laugh. I thought about how it was so silly to put some one elses perception of who I am above who I know I am and I laughed. I laughed and smiled and moved on. This is not thick skin . This is relaity I am growing , growing to know how fly I am and how what looks good to me isn't always good for me . He rejected me, but you know what that's ok because he isn't what I want. Bless him on his journey , in his moments of discomfort may he realize what he really wants, as I have. The future is full of posibilities. I'm going to pick from the tree of happiness, I'm going to smile with my yellow umbrella and deflect all the negative energy . I will do away with all that puts me in a state of negativity and double up on all the things that make me smile .

Hppy Valentines Day (Alas we have missed the Mark)

So I planned it out and thought it out but the date didn't arrive. Well truth be told I didn't really believe in it . My faith in it happening went in and out. I was gung ho two nites and stayed in the rest of the days I was supposed to be putting myself in the public eye.

I came to a thought about how you give certain people a moment in your life that you may never get back . Even an Insignificant moment and whether or not those people deserve it. Let me list a few examples
1) My birthday - when I turned 24 I went on a date with my first and only kind of boyfriend. The date was amazing the realtionship was wack on many levels and affected me even wanting to be in a relationship for years to follow. No matter what everytime I have a birthday I think of that great night but I also think of what proceeded it from an open heart to an ice-box where it used to be . Even if i think about it for 5 minutes it's a waste , he didnt deserve it.
2) The first guy I had sex with- He was a dude from online. There was no loving story attached to it . It was aight but I could have done with out it but I will never get that moment back.

So my first Valentines day date, I decided it was worth more to me then to give it to some one I just met a few days prior to it . And truth be told giving Valentines day to a stranger may emply something unless it is discussed in advance. So I decided to go to the gym and to go to the record store (sidebar: I was thinking the last few times I went to the record store how I would love for wow gospel 2008 to come out and I walked in and there it was sitting on the shelf .... ahhh the secret lol) and went to buy a new mop from K-mart (sidebar: dont fuck with the swiffer wet jet , they romanced me with there commercials and all and I threw my old mop out but the minute you have a spill you realize swiffer can't do shit for you. )

So the time crunch wasn't right for the valentines day world tour so I decided to add another leg to the tour. Im going to extend it to march 14 and lets see what we come up with .

The Valentines Day World Tour Check-In

Well I went out and here is the run down
Thursday
Well we went to look for the party. I went on line found the spot that was supposed to be where luke and leroy went to. It was club rush and welll I guess I wont be going out on thursdays anymore in NYC, I mean the black gay club life in this city just isnt the same . The club we were at was beyond wack . But I did bump into a former guy I used to talk to he stared at me for 15 minutes until I went over to talk to him and we exchanged numbers again he seemed excited I called on saturday left a message and have as of yet to hear back from him but its all good hope is still alive. We left that club and headed to Escuelita which was better but still wack.

Friday night
So we went to Club Shelter which was much better then anything we endured on thursday but it wasn't great . I met a little dude there . Hmmm he was fucking sexy but a little on the fem side. Considering how lonely I have been and keeping it real I was thining do I shunn off feminity because of what others would think or could I fuck with , I don't, I know I could fuck with him for sure. I want to kick it with him though , we will see. One thing I do like about most feminine type dudes is they take care of there man and dagnabbit I wouldn't mind that (come make me some sausage, grits and cheese eggs in the morning and iron my clothes and give me some good loving you might be able to get my heart.)

After those two days I was supposed to go out again , I don't feel as though either of them is what I want for my valentines day date so in the mean time I will keep on truckin.
I am trying to decide if I will go out tonight but hmm..... who knows

I drew a picture just like they did in the secret and I'm going to meditate on it and see what it brings.

The Valentines Day World Tour

Well it's here again another Valentines day. Last year it was just another day of the week , can't even tell you what happened . It had the same symbolance as february 13th. This year I have decided not to let it pass. I am going to do something new . Now, I like to do these little experiments with myself including the power of the law of attraction and just putting it into action. So I declare that I will have a valentines day date and he will be some one worthy of spending that day with.
So today is February 4th so I have 10 days to find that date . I will document what will happen as it goes along on this. Most would say I am way past the time period one should be in to have a valentines day date but bump that I'm sure I will make it work. If I were still on adam and the other sites I'm sure it wouldn't take as long, hell I could have a valentines day fuck if I wanted but I am going to find that valentines day date the right way. This will be called the Valentines day world tour . I will be out and in the places letting my light shine.

In the moment

Wow I can't believe it has been so long since I blogged WTF.
Well so much was going on in the month of December I am going to have to recap in a different post because it was a month of revelations.

Anyhow it is January 27 and we are almost one month down in the year of 2008. When I checked out all the other blogs at the beginning of the year people were reviewing thier years , what they learned and New Years resolutions. In all honesty when I though back on 2007 I had nothing I felt worth reviewing and nothing to write a resolution about at all. 2007 was a year of half happiness and half insanity. I dont want to review I want to move forward I dont want to New Year resolution because I dont believe in that shit, if you dont like what's going on change it now . Fuck a January 1st, change that shit on April 3rd if it needs to be changed.

So what have I been up to
Well last weekend I was out in Atl and I must say it was quite a great time. I loved it for the most part eventhough I fell ass first into a puddle one night with my club outfit on and had to go back to the hotel and change, I still had fun that night. I had fun all the nights I was in Atl and the one thing I noticed when I landed back in NYC was that it was time for some drastic change. Truth be told I hate the Bronx. NYC is not the place for people like me anymore. I do pay a certain price almost for doing noble work . I am a school teacher and on one hand while I am planting seeds and giving back on a daily basis that doesn't translate to being financially stable. I bust my ass like none other and still all I have to show for it is my dumpy ass basment apartment in the bronx. I think its time to move up on out of the basement literally and figuratively. (That's not a resolution thats a plan that is being put into action.)

Another major development
I erased all my online dating accounts. For New Years I was in DC. I had an ok time but I had decided that it would be my last weekend on the sites. I had come to review every person I had met on those sites and couldn't think of one that was worthy of my time. For some reason also the boys were getting younger. Younger and just a waiste of time . In many aspects reminding me of myself when I first started out. I was flaky as hell, I dont want that at all in my life. I also dont want to waste my life's time looking at pictures, sending messages and checking profiles. Another factor was, shit I have no problem meeting people when I am out . And making meeting people in person my main mode of dating changes the game and forces me to be on point with mine. It's been almost a month since being on adam and I must admit I don't really miss it . I almost tried to rejoin BGC while in atl because I was bored one day and could only imagine what I would be getting into if I had an account. But for some reason I kept getting kicked out of adding an account. Anyway I went out that night and was a social butterfly as usual and relized again how much I didnt need the sites .

Biggest Revelation

I have to be myself people are attracted to that, not a made up image and profile on Adam but the real Kindacleva that I have always been .

The Freaks come out at night

So yeah If you rememebr I posted about the racy adam4adam pic. Finally after a week of putting dudes off I decided to meet two of them.Odly enough both latin dudes. now truth be told I have limited experience with latin dudes but when you throw up the racy pic mainly very local people hit you up and I live in the bronx.

The first dude we met up for a J/O session. Well the first thing I thought when I got there was damn hes kind of older looking then I thought but whatever. In all honesty it was hard for me to get into the groove of things ( couldnt get hard like I wanted to ) As we continued on I got into it , a little freaky but hay it wasn't a bad nut, I will go back again . Only thing I didn't like is it seemed like he lived in a maze/dungeon and I had backflashes of some geofrey dahmer shit while I was walking down there because truth be told I would not have even known how to get out of the damn place.

Second dude came over after I interrogated him online and all he wanted to do was give me head. Well we never even exchanged numbers he just called when he was close. He came through and might I say quite impressive job . NO number exchanged and I have no urge to see him again but its all good. I even stelth setting blocked him on yahoo it is what it is. Damn am I turning into the ho I understood earlier this summer . I dont know what im turning into but I know I like sexual contact and I'm tired of jerking off it aint the same, plus young sexy went awol (damn I would delete the account if he resurfaced .) As long as I keep it safe Im good right? (what about my heart , what about love, what about finding the one , am I done searching?)

VS. Game

So now I am playing the game of VS. with the dudes I am talking to
Example
Very Cute & crazy Vs. Average looking and Nice

Well truth be told average looking and nice can get me going sometimes but very sexy & crazy his sex appeal is on another level. Verysexy and Crazy though he seems to think we were in a realtionship before and I never got that memo but I follow along with his insanity and I think boy oh boy I dont know if I want that in my life. The sexual thing was fire from what I remember. Average looking and nice is new he adores me but so does Very cute and crazy.

Winner: Very good looking and Crazy
Explanation: I'm vain and the fool kept my attention very well and as long as I want to just be with him from day one I should be aight (lol that's the problem.)

Very sexy and Crazy Vs. Very sexy and Busy (I will just call them crazy and Buzy for short)

Buzy is some one that I have been knowing for years and we have had several off and on times when we are talking and when we arent. Busy knows me pretty well and I feel so comfortable around him. The last time I tried to pursue Busy he invited me to a function at his job after I stood there mingling waiting for him to be ready to leave I told him I would walk around the city for awhile and wait for him to meet me. Didn't happen he called me later and was like oh I was just pulled into a meeting. I was like what the fuck, he was always hard to get time alone with . If I was into waiting he would be worth waiting for.

Winner: Busy
Explanation: He could really be my heart he is all I would want in a dude I would never look elswhere if he could just pencil me in.


Young & sexy Vs Busy Vs Crazy

Young sexy is 21 and the shit. The level of intamacy is off the hook. We have been kicking it lately on a consistent basis. I haven't jonesed for a dudes body like this in a minute but he is young and with him comes all the bullshit that comes along with youngins. Right now his phone is off and I can't reach him and I been wanting him the past few days. He is an around the way type dude andhe lives real close. One thing is he has very little life experince and he still lives with his parents. I will say he is much more mature then any of the other youngins I have fucked with , he has a job or two and goes to school and is about to be somebody. I love his drive that shit turns me on.

Winner: A tie between Youngsexy and Busy
Explanation: Can't decide between the two because either I could work with but would I be completely fulfilled.

I think I better continue looking

A little research

So I am a long time user of adam4adam. Truth be told I hardly ever admit that I use it . And when I meet a good boy out side of the net, I dread them ever finding out I even have an account. But at the end of the day majority of the people in the club and those you meet elsewhere are on adam. It is almost like a gay myspace, well myspace already has its gay connection . Adam Is like a gay xrated myspace. Any how I have met quite a few characters off of adam none of which have really materialized into anything serious, but it is what .

I have always been so curious about who are the actual faces behind the dick and ass pics on adam. I mean I posted about it this summer how I thought it was somewhat liberating to be a proud ho, If you are tired of the dating bullshit. Me and my curious self I decided to post a racy picture on adam last week. Now, my usual acount on adam gets hit up once in awhile. When I change the picture or are on in the daytime I get more hits but I can go for long times periods with very little messages . Oh yeah it's only a face pic and thats all because I have something against showing all my good stuff online well at least on adam anyway.

Well strictly for research purposes did I post this racy pic . And my pc is ringin off the hook everytime I log on. Now half of the people are nasty ass freak hoes. But a good percentage of them look good. I mean what started off as research has become my main name I have been logging in on this week. Now one nudie pick does not a ho make. I havent met anyone yet but I think I am going to. I am telling them I only want to jerk off because I am trying to stay a good boy . One dude I talked to on the phone acts as if sex is so far off while another wants it right away , so that pretty much my usual experiences with adam. But damn considering my previous blog on hoes is this a self fulfilling prophesy, I dont know but I will keep you posted.

In small doses please

In college a friend of mine and I had this philosophy about small doses. It was our personal oppinions that there were some people in your life that are friends but you can only stand them in small doses. You may love them to death but they have a limit. Well truth be told you love them but from a distance. They are nice people but they have soething about there personality that irritates you till no end but it takes sometime for it to hit you.

Well guys my only gay friend here in NYC is some one I like only in small doses. He is the only friend I have like that everyone else I can see when ever but him once I have been around him past 6 consecutive hours or so I'm already gathering my things for an abrupt depparture.In the past year I would say that we have gotten alot closser since most of my gay freinds here have moved away or been cut off.

He and I have travelled before . I rememebr the first time we traveled to Chicago and he and my good freind Detroit were bumping heads rediculously. Actually Small doses and I were bumping heads also . I was almost sure when we made it back to NYC we would never be friends again. He was just freeaking obnoxious, going out of his way to be an asshole to some one he didnt even know. After that trip I vowed never to bring him around another one of my friends again . I really felt responsible for him almost ruing Detroit's time. Any how we traveled together again after that and well he always was consistent as far as annoying the hell out of me. And I would always ditch him for hours on trips. Then I just said fuck it dont need to do that anymore. I mean If we were locked up in jail cell together I swear it would take me only a few days before I shanked him. So if I feel so passionately on how annoying this person is to me why still be friends.

I think sometimes my opinion on friends and relationships is weird. I must be honest, the way I grew up plays alot into it. Growing up I had a daddy that just up and one day decided he didnt want to be bothered with me anymore. To me thats worse then having the whole "I never met my father " situation. Outside of that we moved around alot so I started new school maybe three times in my younger life and I was a fat kid so it was always hard for me to make new friends. Sometimes when I did make friends they always would play me out when they were vying for the cool kids attention. So yeah I have some serious abandonment and detachment issues. I also dont always hold my friends to the high standard they should have to be held to. If my friends fuck up and prove themselves to not be on my level they should be cut off.

Back to small doses.... So He recently wanted to stay at my apartment for the weekend. I thought to myself oh no I dont know if I can take that it would be too long and my weekends are like gold . The past few weekends have been all about resting and relaxing I am so tired I sleep 10 hours on saturday and sunday and I love it I'm beginning to think sleep is almost as good as Absolut( ooh that sounds alcoholic). Now the past few weeks he has been asking to come over to my place to take a shower because his water went cold( huh, what, when my water goes cold I just hop my humble ass in the shower and deal with it or if its too cold I white boy shower it and call it a day). Each time he has asked I just basically become really inconsistent and don't respond. I know if he comes to take a shower he will spend the night and thats way past my 6 hour limit. So when he asked about the weekend I just never responded. He then sent me a text the next day saying thanks for not responding and I haven't responded since.

It's been a week now and I must say I dont miss him at all . If anything he always got more out of our friendship then I did. I would book the trip for us, I would let him come shower here, I would read his papers for school, I would give him that 30 bucks so he could make it till pay day, I would even buy him a drink at the club and what did I ever get out of it. Even when I gave him money I had to ask for it back and thats not a freind, if you owe me money you need to give it back to me I shouldn't have to aks you for it. If you are a freinds and I help you out be thankful find ways to reciprocate even though I may not need something from you, isn't that the way friendships work small doses or not.

So will I call, I dont know . I bet he is pissed off at me but in all honesty he has no right to be. Even though I like him only in small doses I feel as though I like him even better in no doses, but I dont want another enemy why can't I end things with friends and lovers amicably.

Do I smell desperation?

Well I guess all things will come to the surface at some point. So this week with my Jersey friend just started off with disjointed communication. I was starting to feel like talking to him was a chore. It was just wasted time. The communication was dead. After a few days of phone tag he called and said it was soemthing he needed to speak to me about. And he basically dumped me lol. It makes me kind of laugh evertime I think of it. I guess he didn't dump me but we did agree on one thing, the spark was gone and that is the truth for sure. He had become like my homeboy in a sense. When he was around I didnt feel that animalistic tiger inside of me that wants to rip dudes clothes and make love to him , like you feel when you are getting into something new with some one. Well I felt it in the beginning and it fell off after then . And considering I didnt see him on a consistent basis I tink thats what fizzled everything out

Any how I guess we will be freinds or associates. He asked what I meant by associates and I said "soem one that you say whats up to in the club." Time will tell where that goes. I really respect the fact that he called me up and told me what was up that was a good thing. I didn't even have it in me to tell him how I felt first .But damn why was I pushing this. It was obvious to every one I talked to about this that it wasnt going where I wanted it to go. It was obviouse that this wasnt the situation for me but I just wanted some one to spend this cold ass winter with shit is that a crime. I dont even feel sad about the whole thing I feel somewhat relieved. Its ok if I have a winter with myself , I will be aight , I been aight every other winter.

Testing the waters

Well for the past week or so I have been dipping my feet in the pool of exclusivity. I have calmed myself and put my focus into one person to see where that would go. I must admit I am dipping my feet and the water is a litle cold at times and sometimes its nice and warm and I just want to jump in and take a dive. But for the most part I have been going to the pool and it has been closed for renovations.

Where is this going. Now, I am not one to even try to say that I know the first thing about being in a relationship but I do know that in the beginning stages of dating some one you are given a preview as to what it would be like when and if you decide to acclimate that person into your life. So it is of some importance that at that time period you give that person your best. I think I am giving my best, but two incidents that have happened in our brief courtship have led me to believe he isn't giving his best and I am definitely not one to accept some ones "c" game. I am "A" list and you need to be on your "A" game if you want to be with me.

Incident number one; during a cassual conversation about something he cut me off and told me he wasnt interested in that topic. Ummm what? that was my responce and to be who I trully am I called him on it. I said "well what would you like to discuss" and he had nothing to discuss. After catching on to the fact that I had an attitude he just basically said "oh you are being too sensitive." That statement is one of my pet pieves. In most cases when some one says some one is being too sensitive what they are really saying is " I am not willing to own up to the fact that I just offended or disrespected you so I am going to put it back on you." Anyhow I ended the discussion abruptly because my feelings were hurt a little . He called the next day and was extremely nice, I guess that was and attempt at an appology but next time I would like an actual appology.


Incident number two; I took my first trip out to Jersey. And a trip it was. First of all it was raining like a mother outside second of all I missed the Jersey train which made my commute time last 2 hours. Before I got there he text me that he had company, WTF. Any how it was cool I chilled with them for a minute then they left and we chilled a little more and fell asleep in one anothers arms (that was sweet) but it didnt not erase the fact that it took some compromise for me to go to his house on a weekeday and the least he could have done was make sure he didn't have company over. I would never do that to some one who lived down the street from nonetheless some one who just traveled beyond an hour to see me.

So now what, well being that the pool is closed for renovations so often (meaning we don't see each other that often, it's all mainly phone convo and thats getting boring. Even when I try to plan something out he says he is broke = big turn off.) one is only left to try to find a pool closer to home. I am not saying that I will throw in the towel yet but he is leaving alot of open space, more then enough space for some one else to step in and depending on who it is I may just let them. Damn damn damn.

A double minority

I spent the past weekend in the DC area and while it was a fun weeekend somewhat the thing that stuck out in my mind from this weeekend was an extreme act of ugliness. On my way to meet up with a friend I had to take them metro. While wating in my transfer station I sat down on a bench and put my duffle bag on the bench. The platform was almost empty . The thing is ulike in new york these benches are in an enclosed space it has a glass covering and you go in and out on one side. So I was chilling, just in a relaxed mode. A white woman and her husband or friend came close to where I was sitting . She was talking to him and I began to get a bit of their conversation. I heard her say "Oh I don't like to sit on the end of the bench" fine I thought , whatever I mean on the end you are kind of blocked in . Then as she walked away she dropped the bomb "Well he has commandeered the whole bench , he's black you know how they are. " Fire..... It was as if fire were rising from my head. I dont rememebr the last time I felt that anger, wait, no I do . Actually every moment in my life that I have felt the sting of racism I can rememebr the place the time of day and the feeling in the air. The moment this happened I was so stunned I was almost silenced. My humble black concious self didnt know what to say because truth be told I was hurt. This lady was a fat old white blob and she had hurt my feelings beyond hurt. The sting of racism is not one where you can say well whatever I am still fly. In the moment when some one is judging you based on something you really can't change or better yet something you would never want to change , something you wake up and thank god for every day it hurts.

The sting of racism is something interesting to me because I can always remember my stepfather telling me " no matter how much you may make of yourself some people in this world will still consider you a nigger." So all the things I stand on, a good vocabullary, a good education, a good job , a bachellors degree, a masters degree, no illigitimate kids etc. it doesnt mean shit to a person who sees you as an ignorant animal .

So what did I say, I trully cant remember. I know I started off with "excuse me are you talking to me" then it went into "well you can go sit your fat ass some where else you racist bitch." But it all fell on deaf ears for I was not even worthy of a responce and she acted as if I didnt even exist. Which burned me up even more. So when I walk around standing on my degrees and good english sometimes I forget who I am and where I am and the legacy that I stand on. When the sting of racism hits me Im always slapped back to the reality that I am a Black man in America.

So why did I title this post a double minority. Well truth be told, being black isn't the first thing I think about being judged on. In my everyday dealings I'm more focused on people finding out about my sexuality and judging me based on that. What a situation to be in and in some aspect it is my own people (black people) who do the judging. A double minority but I keep moviong on. But I need not forget who I am a black man first , gay, educated and all that other stuff second. I am sure I will be reminded again . I have never really been disrespected for my sexuallity but rascism is a bug that has bitten me several times.

A Happy Fall

Usually fall has been an indifferent time for me. I usually enter fall with hesitation, almost as if I know what is ahead. Oh I do put out to the universe that it will be a lonely winter. Well this winter I dont feel that way. Even if there is no one that comes along I will be fine.

I think this time last year was right before the cards began to fall in. This time last year was right before I lost it. I dont feel that way now. I am at a new job and the vibe is different and even though I am as tired as a dog I feel good.

Well let me tell the whole truth. There is some one in the picture.And he is a good man . Its funny how that has become something of extreme importance to me . Not he's cute or hes hot or sexy. But his mama raised him right therefore he is a good man. On top of that he is sexy to me and I think he feels the same for me . His only problem is he lives in jersey but that can be worked out , I havent made my first trip out there yet.

The other day he came through and I cooked and all. The thing I loved about it was damn it felt nice to have some one around the house. Like simple shit, some one to sit next to on the couch as I watched tv. Some one to lean over and kiss me during the commercials. I like it but there are somethings I am getting out of my system before I can really be with some one.

Is he worth it?

"Slow down baby your moving too fast got your head in the clouds but your feet on the gas about to wreck your future running from the past "

Ok the Original title for this post was going to be my new part time job.

Somwhere in the past few weeks of the summer I started to "wild out" I started partying up a storm getting crazy drunk and wracking up the numbers. What did that bring, a whole bunch of dudes to talk to on the phone. So when I am finished my 9-5 my second job starts in a few hours thats my 9-12(when the day time minutes start.) In this process I have learned soemthing about myself. And I guess it was never that I wanted a relationship after all it was more that I wanted attention. I wanted that phone to be ringing. (Oh shit done found another flaw.) I fell kind of like I did when I was 22 and hitting up brooklyn cafe every weekend. But why at 28 revert to that time period. Back then I was just entering the scene and I was fresh meat . I would go out every friday and drink like a fish and be drunk as hell. And I was collecting numbers and dating like a fool . It was the first time in my life that I got that attention from anyone. Please let us revisit my past. I was always a fat kid , A fat kid who grew up to be a fat teenager, who grew up to be a fat young adult. I did not enter the scene until I lost massive amounts of weight and that attention I lived for it.

Why have I felt like shit for the past few years, well I wasnt drinking like a fool I wasnt seeing the lifestyle through Hennessey/vodka goggles. Through Vodka goggles the lifestyle looks soo much fun. For the past three years I was feeling it real. I was meeting dudes doing things or not doing things and being dicarded, or disrespected. I guess the stage I am at now is the anacrusis of being jaded. Its the reversion to the old me, the attention starved me . The me who is at this current moment talking to 12 guys. Is that cute, well not really but I was thinking quantity over quality and then maybe some one of quality would come along. Well I guess out of those 12, 5 or 6 of them are quality but am I quality in the process. I have become the man I dislike when I meet some one . I have become hard to reach, inconsistent and a big challenge. Which becomes the thing that keeps them coming after you hmmmm. Its all a game and now I realise why I couldnt get certain dudes and why I wanted them so much, it was all about the chase.

Afew days ago I had one night stand. and I knew it was a one night stand because of how it felt . I met dude at the club we went to his house and did the damn thing . Now that happened under the drunken haze. The real me would never do that. Did I feel cheap afterward ,no. Did I feel discarded afterward, no. Did I even care afterward, no. The anacrusis of being jaded , not giving a fuck. This is not the person I want to be.

I guess India arie said it the best I need to slow down I am really moving to fast. Im covering up and trying to heal the wound of being hurt in the past three years by so many dudes and in some ways I am becoming them. So they who I came to with open heart and mind who got shitted on, now has people coming to me with open heart and mind who I romance from a distance and keep around for my own needs. They give me the attention I want but what am I giving them.

I'm taking a break from drinking and clubbing , no for real . I need to get my mind right, I do not need to become a heartbreaker or the reason some one else becomes jaded.

Im going to slow down.

Goodbye Summer

"Goodbye summer it seems you have to go I wasnt ready for the autumn winds to blow"

Well I hope I left no one hanging but I dont think I even want to continue the last post . Dude dint call back then when I saw him again he acted like he was interested then not then whatever ( I guess I am speeding through the long drawn out story because I dont care any more, not interested and i have moved on to other things.)

Any how what a summer it was I would have to say this was one of the first summers where I really felt comfortable in my own skin. No I didnt get the six pack, no MY locs werent freshly twisted, and no I didnt look perfect. However I felt good in my skin . I felt like damn I don't need all that shit I'm hot anyhow. And I guess that was a journey that took all to long time to get to. I guess this summer was that time I needed to refocus. This was the time I needed to adjust the antenae so the picture could come in clear. All That said I really had fun . I went to party, after party, after party, and I talked mingled and all .And I realised something, hmmmm when I am feeling good about me I attract alot of people to me. Although none have really materialized into anything it was all good practice. Just what I need to prepare me for the right person. this was the best summer I have had since I was 23 and I am 28 now.

Although the summer is done I guess its ok Im still not ready for the autumn winds but something tells me they are going to bring with them some great things I just know it..... stay tuned.

2 weeks of summer fun part 1

So we will start off with the thursday, before going to the club I met up with a dude that I had met a few nights previously. Truth be told he was really cute I mean what I really like. We had an amazing make out session. I havent been kissed like that in ages. Somehow I ended up undressed but I had to meet my friend for the club and I wasnt about to diss. Plus sex on the first meeting up not my style. I was going to go to the club and I was intending to leave for dc the next day. But dude definitely left an impression on my mind. He was something I hadn't had in a while , an agressive man. (anyhow I will blog on how all that panned out in the long run some other day)

(I'm going to devote this post to dc)



So I got there and met up with one of my new friends who I was staying with. One of my old friends in dc invited us to a house party. So I ended up playing monopoly and shit and just chilling that night, we also got a little tipsy and talked. I must say it wasnt the club but there was somehting about this that I did like. I was thinking damn if I had a circle of friends like this in NYC then maybe my life would be more balanced . I hate to admit but I spend alot of time alone. Which drives me to spend too much of my time on the adam 4 adam and the bgc but that is another story for another post.



Saturday my friend and I that I was staying with we headed out to the club. We hit up the delta, a club I have been to quite a few times that I have decided I do not like but whatever. I made sure I was drunk . Before going to the club we stopped by another friends house and again we were in the midst of a get together with a circle of friends, shit I am officially jelouse. I have two gay friends here and we aint never having no gathering or doing anything but going to the club together . Well one we talk almost everyday and we do brunch and shit like that but no circle. Any who I got liquered up and ended up making out with one of the other guys that rode with us. Oh lord that shit was hot. I went in the delta and I was doing it up . Never had that much fun in there. But I must admit I was drunk as hell.I got a few numbers kind of kissed a dude in there I was a complete mess.



On the way back my friend had accumulated a friend he followed us back to the crib and to my surprise entered with us. I was thinking hmmmm where is he going to sleep.Well he ended up sleeping in the bed with us , well there was only one bed and no where else to lay. Whatever I was drunk I went to sleep. Any how in my little sleeping I was some what awakened by some movement , then the sound of kissing then seeing my freinds yellow ass. Could it be these dudes are having sex, right next to me . Why I never!!! And I can have a little freak in me but it didn't turn me on in the least bit. I was offended. I would have never guessed they would do that. It was rude and nasty to me for some reason . Hell I probably could have joined in but I was too disgusted. I guess the whole freindship thing overruled. I thought to myself if I had a freind staying over I would never bring a date over. I mean they could fuck some other weekend. And the thing Is I have other places for guest to sleep besides my bed in my apartment and I would never bring a date home . I think thats tacky. Anyhow all this being said I just went right back to sleep. When I woke up again still going on . I said some smart ass comments went back to sleep. I'm sure they continued.

When I woke up I realized that after making out with dude that rode with us to the club I had the biggest purplest hickey ever on my neck but that wasnt goign to throw no salt in my game shiiiit. Funny my friend was doing all the sex and ended up looking like the ho.

So we spent the whole day with jump off dude after awhile he did get tired of my smart ass comments but my issue wasn't with him it was more with my friend who kept blaming it on alcohol. The way I see it though you aren't that drunk if you can get a condom and lube and do the damn thing. When I'm impaired judgement drunk I can not have sex because truth be told fucking a dude I would fall asleep. Now I have done some stuff drunk but hell sex ain't easy drunk (not if you want to do it safely)



So I went to this club R&R the sunday night I was drunk but mildly drunk , I was still tired from the night before. I got a few numbers there, I did very well in dc with the numbers , it was good practice. I then went to B bar after and that was fun also. No one really noticed the hickey on my neck and who cares if they did, I had a great time.



So next I made sure I had a date with one of the dudes before I left dc. And he was so sweet I liked him. He did notice the hickey on my neck and had no problems pointing it out which was funny but we vibed well but its practice. I ended up making it back home mad late , while on the bus I called the guy from thursday ring ring ring no answer hmmm I will leave a message.

Woo lordy

This boy done worn me out

Ok I know he was too young, point taken. 20 is way to young for me I mean am almost 10 years older then him. But damn homey was sexy I ain't going to lie. Everything was hot however I didn't know kissing him and fooling around would make us connected in a since. The since is he wants me after one day with a passion and my connection is I dont want to break the young boy's heart. He introduced me to his moms, his brother and friends. And we have already had our first disagreement based on PDA . But he lives close and I want to keep shit cool. He has called me about three times today after us meetign up, like I am his man and he wants me to basically drop everything and go spend the night over his house (sidebar: he lives with his moms, they dont have ac, I didn't even see the remnants of a box fan nothing, and I aint trying to be walking over to that side of town this late at night hell nah) He could be a real good mate but he needs to be grown up. He needs to hold his cards and not show it all out in the open. He needs to not let phsyical attraction tell him he wants some one. And I need to date some one older because I know damn well I dont have the energy for this type of shit.