Rejection

So I said I would talk about decenmeber , Hmmm well I am just getting back form a night out and what happened tonight is recalling to me to december. Well in December I was with two guys who were my dream guys . Two, can you fucking believe that, and in the month of february neither one is around . what a moment.

Maybe when he told me his favorite cd was from Jaged Edge I should have known it wouldn't work .
Or was it the way he downplayed the fact that I would be out of town . I thought damn I'm coming back it will be all good . We have mad time when I get back. But I really think he wanted me to cancel my trip

or was it the fact that I dated his friend who he down played on our date . Truth be told his friend also kissed me on the night that we exchanged numbers and yes he saw us lol.

Whatever , when I got back from dc it was dead . He gave me the I will call you back game and never did. Damn he looked like the man I wanted . I mean he was everything I would ever need to be phsyically attracted . I have met 2 guys in my whole life that were 100 percent what I would have drawn in the picture of what I am 100 percent attracted to.
Let me be real I used to always see him out and day dream about that being the dude that I wanted and Imagine actually having the oportunity to meet him and chill with him and go on a date with him , and hear him tell me that he wanted to see me . To see more of me. And then nothing . Rejection, I can't take it well . I used to not be able to take it . This book I am reading tells me about all of these things I have chosen. I chose the parents I have, I chose the life I live, I chose all of these things pre-birth because it was something that I needed to over come in order to be able to go to the next level on my journey in life. I chose this dude, he would be the last to reject me and hurt my feelings. When I figured he was rejecting me , I was hurt I mean really hurt . I didnt go out for almost 2 months in fear of seeing him . but recently I got over it I think and I started going out, but it wasnt until tonight that I saw him . He acknowledge me but then again he didn't. I had to acknowledge him first . Then there was a time when he stared at me in the club . And then there was the moment when I was talking to another dude and I thought, me thinking about this other dude who has proved to me isn't worthy of me is a waste of time. Then there was the sad walk back to the train station where i thought wow, I'm too fucking fly for this bullshit. I wake up too early in the morning and plant too many seeds to be sittting thinking that I won't be granted the best . He turned me down but you know what, fuck him and the horse he road in on. If he doesnt realize what he gave up on fuck em, he isn't the one for me. Fuck him and many others . I am erasing all the people who have me on the back burner it doesnt help to communicate with those who dont have me in the front and then give half my attention to those who do want me .
I walked back to the train in the rain with my yellow umbrella. Something about that umbrella makes me laugh. I thought about how it was so silly to put some one elses perception of who I am above who I know I am and I laughed. I laughed and smiled and moved on. This is not thick skin . This is relaity I am growing , growing to know how fly I am and how what looks good to me isn't always good for me . He rejected me, but you know what that's ok because he isn't what I want. Bless him on his journey , in his moments of discomfort may he realize what he really wants, as I have. The future is full of posibilities. I'm going to pick from the tree of happiness, I'm going to smile with my yellow umbrella and deflect all the negative energy . I will do away with all that puts me in a state of negativity and double up on all the things that make me smile .