Tuesday, April 18, 2006
The Thickness
Oh damn its that time of year again , the weather is changing , my birthday has passed and I am so horny. and the worse part is that new york winters are so dull that the feeling of spring just lights up my life.The leaves come back. The grass grows back . i start wearing bright colors and all that shit . and most importantly my sex drive comes back. just a ride on the two train is enough. in my most innocent moment im just chilling admiring a dudes beauty and in my most raunchy i am staring at him thinking damn he is thick and sexy and i wonder what he would look like with his legs up in the air. this brings me to the title of the post. thickness. well i will say the last guy i had sex with had the thickness. something new for me . i am used to only sexing skinny dudes but this dude had an ass and all. now i did have one other guy who was similar but he had other issues. but after the last thickness i had i am changing. now not to say i will never fuck with a skinny dude but im thinking damn cant imagine all the thickness i missed out on. in my recent trip to betroit a few days ago i met one of the sexy dudes ever over there. one of the things i could remember him saying as we danced was something to the affect of him being fat. shocking to me but he was just a little thick and it was beyond sexy to me. i dont know what it is but i am one who is always down for what everyone else is not into. and its so easy to find some muscular abs and pecks in the gay scene it is honestly getting cliche and its boring. i like to undress a dude and see something i never saw before or feel as though they are different.. anyhow dude in detroit i felt like he was adhearing to the gay concept of weight . for example in my opinion gay people feel that if you do not have a six pack you are fat . period point blank. and if you consider yourself thick then you are definently fat. now to me dude was only about 10 pounds overweight maybe but that ten pounds hit him in all the right places. i have been a person who had weight issues in the past and the gay standard didnt help . for a good few years i got caught up in it until i woke up one day and said "wait when the fuck did i care what some one thought of me, i know im as fly as they come ( and its not just looks but i am also easy on the eyes)" i mean compared ot the str8 world were a size 38 is the average , i would say the gay world average is a 32. this is interesting because i was looking at pictures of myself from a few months ago and i was like damn who is this in the picture, i never want to look this small its just not me, there was nothing really wrong with my thickness or anyone elses for that matter.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
If....
I swipped this from some one its kinda cool
1. If you had to describe the most memorable night of your life, what would you say?
i have more then one but the one that sicks out right now is when i was walking down the street kissing my ex, for one moment in time i felt normal and i felt like love was real.
2. If you had to name the best album cover ever, which would it be?
Bitches Brew by Miles Davis, i think that shit looks so cool.
3. If you had to give up your favorite food forever, what is the minimum amount of money you would demand in return?
Fried Chicken 50,000
4. If you have can have anyone from history welcome you into the afterlife, who would you want it to be?
My Grandma
5. If you had to name the single most erotic part of the human body, what would it be?
Lower back , thighs aww fuck it a nice ass ( i dont care what anyone thinks thats real)
6. If you could say (or have said) one thing to your father on his deathbed, what would it be?
What was the reason for your absense (and at this age i'd actually listen and attempt to understand)
7. If you could have any view in the world visible from your bed, what would it be?
The Manhattan Sky line
8. If you could have prevented any single fashion idea or trend from ever happening, which would you have stopped?
The fanny pouch , what the fuck were people thinking and the fact that peopel still wear them , it throws me into a mini fit when i see them i was to stop them and ask " that shit cant fit into your pockets or bookbag ".
9. If you were to select a moment when you were convinced that an angel was watching over you, when would it have been?
I think there is always an angel over my shoulder especially when i get on the 2 train drunk as hell and reach home sleeping the whole way and dont get jacked at all.
10. If you could have heard the death bed confession of one person from history, who would you pick?
Mrvin Gaye , i would have really liked to have picked his brain and seen what was really going on.
11. If you could prevent someone from overusing one word, who would it be, and what word would it be?
irregardless, its a doublnegative and it irritates the hell out of me ( and why not throw in pacific, people who use that intead of specific make me crazy)
12. If you were to pick a city whose character best represents your own personality, which would you choose?
N y c , i am wild and crazy at times but i am also cultured and fast pased and sophistocated.
13. If you suddenly found the courage to do one thing you always been afraid of doing, what would you want it to be?
Swimming (hell i was a real inner city black youth and i never learned how to do that)
14. If you could commission of any living author to write a new book, who would you choose, and what you want them to write about?Will update when i get ananswer)
15. If you could have changed the mind of one person from history on one issue, who and what issue would you pick? (will update when i get an answer)
16. If you were to have three new baby daughters, what would you name them? (will update when i get an answer)
17. If you had to name the most gullible person you know, who is it?
(Will update when i get an answer.)
18. If you were to confess to how many people you have honestly been in love with, what would you say?
I would say half because i dont think i was in love but i was as close as im ever going to get.
19. If you could give an Academy Award to the most underappreciated actor in the history of Hollywood, who would you award it to?Nicholas cage that confused eye brow shit he does is priceless
20. If you could completely remove someone’s vocal cords for one year, whose would they be?
George W. Bush (he really brings out my inner Nat Turner)
1. If you had to describe the most memorable night of your life, what would you say?
i have more then one but the one that sicks out right now is when i was walking down the street kissing my ex, for one moment in time i felt normal and i felt like love was real.
2. If you had to name the best album cover ever, which would it be?
Bitches Brew by Miles Davis, i think that shit looks so cool.
3. If you had to give up your favorite food forever, what is the minimum amount of money you would demand in return?
Fried Chicken 50,000
4. If you have can have anyone from history welcome you into the afterlife, who would you want it to be?
My Grandma
5. If you had to name the single most erotic part of the human body, what would it be?
Lower back , thighs aww fuck it a nice ass ( i dont care what anyone thinks thats real)
6. If you could say (or have said) one thing to your father on his deathbed, what would it be?
What was the reason for your absense (and at this age i'd actually listen and attempt to understand)
7. If you could have any view in the world visible from your bed, what would it be?
The Manhattan Sky line
8. If you could have prevented any single fashion idea or trend from ever happening, which would you have stopped?
The fanny pouch , what the fuck were people thinking and the fact that peopel still wear them , it throws me into a mini fit when i see them i was to stop them and ask " that shit cant fit into your pockets or bookbag ".
9. If you were to select a moment when you were convinced that an angel was watching over you, when would it have been?
I think there is always an angel over my shoulder especially when i get on the 2 train drunk as hell and reach home sleeping the whole way and dont get jacked at all.
10. If you could have heard the death bed confession of one person from history, who would you pick?
Mrvin Gaye , i would have really liked to have picked his brain and seen what was really going on.
11. If you could prevent someone from overusing one word, who would it be, and what word would it be?
irregardless, its a doublnegative and it irritates the hell out of me ( and why not throw in pacific, people who use that intead of specific make me crazy)
12. If you were to pick a city whose character best represents your own personality, which would you choose?
N y c , i am wild and crazy at times but i am also cultured and fast pased and sophistocated.
13. If you suddenly found the courage to do one thing you always been afraid of doing, what would you want it to be?
Swimming (hell i was a real inner city black youth and i never learned how to do that)
14. If you could commission of any living author to write a new book, who would you choose, and what you want them to write about?Will update when i get ananswer)
15. If you could have changed the mind of one person from history on one issue, who and what issue would you pick? (will update when i get an answer)
16. If you were to have three new baby daughters, what would you name them? (will update when i get an answer)
17. If you had to name the most gullible person you know, who is it?
(Will update when i get an answer.)
18. If you were to confess to how many people you have honestly been in love with, what would you say?
I would say half because i dont think i was in love but i was as close as im ever going to get.
19. If you could give an Academy Award to the most underappreciated actor in the history of Hollywood, who would you award it to?Nicholas cage that confused eye brow shit he does is priceless
20. If you could completely remove someone’s vocal cords for one year, whose would they be?
George W. Bush (he really brings out my inner Nat Turner)
Thursday, March 23, 2006
The Latest Cat
How do I define myself ?
a good question I always ask myself . When I think of who I am I choose not to put myself in a little box. Black and gay are not the words that define me most. As a matter of fact I don't even consider myself to be gay , was never a word that fit into my make up . I still haven't found a word that describes what it is I am but that one doesn't fit me well.
Well I have been kicking it with this cat for the past few weeks. (thinking Trying to find the best way to describe him) well he is a cutie for sure . Not what I always go for but nonetheless interesting . We had one of those weekend dates that leaves you wanting more . The thing I liked most about him was that he was a man about his. Sometimes masculinity can out rule looks for me . Something about kissing and sexing a man that looks and acts like a man that turns me on. Anyway our weekend date left me wanting more. But the brother has a lot of minuses. More minuses then pluses. He's one of those that when you tell your friends about them they say "now you know he is not in your league" and as much as I agree with them my pride will not allow me to admit it nor admit that the reason I kick it with him is based on the fact that there are no other options out their for me at the moment and he is a good "in between man". What are the minuses , so many to list and when I start to do that they begin to cancel him out. He doesn't have a job( at first when I was trying to get some I thought oh well his problem not mine , but damn that shit is a turn off alot of his mentality reminds me of the nonchalant attitude that is stifling the black community) , he smokes up like crazy, has proved himself to be extremely inconsistent ( in a effort to put some distance between himself and I he didn't call me for a good 5 days then popped up like everything was all good)and he speaks as if he is deep when in reality he has nothing to say.
anyway after him proving his level of inconsistency I decided to give him another try . From the beginning he could detect my attitude with him over the phone . I think I have entered an age in my life where I cant even force myself to be phony the realness just comes out anyway, it can even come out when I really may not be keeping it real.
so we met up, (which consisted of him coming over and chilling. I wanted to go of the movies but he didn't so we ended up just chilling here and talking for what seemed like hours then hitting up a diner. ( Side Bar: he wasnt a man about his anymore his real personality showed up, i remember joking about having his representative come back , it was one of those joke but not really a joke moments lol) Our talking consisted mostly of him spewing off his "philosophy " drawn from an immense pool of ignorance but nonetheless I gave it a good ear. He made it his business to constantly check me for not being to responsive to what he was saying , when in all honesty I wasn't responding because I didn't have anything to say. This man does not catch my mind at all. I wanted him to shut up for real.
Then we got into the discussion of the fact that he was out to his family and I wasn't. And he went through the whole thing of how I was afraid of societies opinion of who I was and as long as I was afraid societies opinion I didn't know who I was. And he rode his soap box on this issue for awhile. I really do not see what difference coming out would make in my life . The reason I choose to keep this part of My life a secret to most people I know is just because its not all of who I am . It is not something by which I choose to be known for. I have no interest in being someones gay friend/relative etc. I choose to be known for who I truly am and that doesn't mean I don't know who I am. I know very well who I am its just that every one else doesn't know the whole of who I am but they know the essence of who I am .
So I guess another one bites the dust. After this last visit he now calls every day and I have less and less to say and almost no interest in him i guess he will catch the drift after awhile.
a good question I always ask myself . When I think of who I am I choose not to put myself in a little box. Black and gay are not the words that define me most. As a matter of fact I don't even consider myself to be gay , was never a word that fit into my make up . I still haven't found a word that describes what it is I am but that one doesn't fit me well.
Well I have been kicking it with this cat for the past few weeks. (thinking Trying to find the best way to describe him) well he is a cutie for sure . Not what I always go for but nonetheless interesting . We had one of those weekend dates that leaves you wanting more . The thing I liked most about him was that he was a man about his. Sometimes masculinity can out rule looks for me . Something about kissing and sexing a man that looks and acts like a man that turns me on. Anyway our weekend date left me wanting more. But the brother has a lot of minuses. More minuses then pluses. He's one of those that when you tell your friends about them they say "now you know he is not in your league" and as much as I agree with them my pride will not allow me to admit it nor admit that the reason I kick it with him is based on the fact that there are no other options out their for me at the moment and he is a good "in between man". What are the minuses , so many to list and when I start to do that they begin to cancel him out. He doesn't have a job( at first when I was trying to get some I thought oh well his problem not mine , but damn that shit is a turn off alot of his mentality reminds me of the nonchalant attitude that is stifling the black community) , he smokes up like crazy, has proved himself to be extremely inconsistent ( in a effort to put some distance between himself and I he didn't call me for a good 5 days then popped up like everything was all good)and he speaks as if he is deep when in reality he has nothing to say.
anyway after him proving his level of inconsistency I decided to give him another try . From the beginning he could detect my attitude with him over the phone . I think I have entered an age in my life where I cant even force myself to be phony the realness just comes out anyway, it can even come out when I really may not be keeping it real.
so we met up, (which consisted of him coming over and chilling. I wanted to go of the movies but he didn't so we ended up just chilling here and talking for what seemed like hours then hitting up a diner. ( Side Bar: he wasnt a man about his anymore his real personality showed up, i remember joking about having his representative come back , it was one of those joke but not really a joke moments lol) Our talking consisted mostly of him spewing off his "philosophy " drawn from an immense pool of ignorance but nonetheless I gave it a good ear. He made it his business to constantly check me for not being to responsive to what he was saying , when in all honesty I wasn't responding because I didn't have anything to say. This man does not catch my mind at all. I wanted him to shut up for real.
Then we got into the discussion of the fact that he was out to his family and I wasn't. And he went through the whole thing of how I was afraid of societies opinion of who I was and as long as I was afraid societies opinion I didn't know who I was. And he rode his soap box on this issue for awhile. I really do not see what difference coming out would make in my life . The reason I choose to keep this part of My life a secret to most people I know is just because its not all of who I am . It is not something by which I choose to be known for. I have no interest in being someones gay friend/relative etc. I choose to be known for who I truly am and that doesn't mean I don't know who I am. I know very well who I am its just that every one else doesn't know the whole of who I am but they know the essence of who I am .
So I guess another one bites the dust. After this last visit he now calls every day and I have less and less to say and almost no interest in him i guess he will catch the drift after awhile.
update
its been a minute since i posted
in the interim many things have happened.
one of the main things was the loss of my grandmother . i wont go much into it but this was a very hard thing to go through . she was trully some one special in my life. she is also the first person that i have lost that was really close to me . lossing a loved one makes me sit back and think . think about that person and think about my own mortality. makes me think if she had lived it to the extent that she wanted to . was she happy , did she take every chance she needed to , did she experience all she wanted to and it leaves me to think the same things for myself.In retrospect i think she did it all and i think she lived her life liek it was golden . now how about me , i know for sure i am in the beginning stage and i havent even begin to start the journey we call life. Oh boy i have so many things to do.
in the interim many things have happened.
one of the main things was the loss of my grandmother . i wont go much into it but this was a very hard thing to go through . she was trully some one special in my life. she is also the first person that i have lost that was really close to me . lossing a loved one makes me sit back and think . think about that person and think about my own mortality. makes me think if she had lived it to the extent that she wanted to . was she happy , did she take every chance she needed to , did she experience all she wanted to and it leaves me to think the same things for myself.In retrospect i think she did it all and i think she lived her life liek it was golden . now how about me , i know for sure i am in the beginning stage and i havent even begin to start the journey we call life. Oh boy i have so many things to do.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
MY Darius Lovehall
Hmm i think that darius was one of the flyest dudes ever .
I mean the way he was is just perfect . i ve always thought that would be the type of dude for me to be with he was smart , artistic good looking , passionate all that shit . i always thought hmm would i ever meet him or some one liek that .
after years of searching met him two times
went on a date with him kissed him felt tingly didnt want to leave got on a plane and came back home to my reality .
met him both times in atl
my first darius lovehall was a trip, one of the most beautiful dudes i have ever met. He walked with the light ( that the best way i can describe it, it seemed as though something was shining over him.) I met him in bulldogs maybe two years ago and went back to atl for pride that same year and met up with him again. He drives a funky asss truck doesnt care if his locks look unkept, writes songs and thought i was too fly for words. i can still rememebr what his body looks like what his kiss was like , the way he smilled and danced while we were at the bowling alley it was one of the best dates of my life . i got on the plane and came back to the cold ass nyc. In time the communication fell off . along with him telling me something about himself which took a little away from his shine. but damn in retrospect i think i could still have been with him .
My second darius Lovehall . well this one is kinda still fresh he is still very much in my system in a way . i actually met him here on new years day 2005. and interesting day i was at rockwells i was drunk and i was in whorish mode , lets be real about it i was dancing and collecting numbers. darius lovehall 2 came up to and started to kick it , now the irony is the night before i saw him in krash ( ill yuck nasty dont liek that spot) i was there with one of my boys (ooh let me give him a name like other people do on thier blogs im sure ill mention him again) im goign to call him Carmex( if oyu saw his lips you get it but hes hot we go back and hes my boy)anyhow in the midst of collecting numbers and being in whoremode darrius lovehall 2 was not the main thing on my mind. i actually ended up hooking up with some one else that night. only embarassed about it because part of my new years resolution was no more hooking up ( hooking up for me means usually some making out a little jerky jerky maybe and posibbly some sucky sucky i rarely have sex cause im scared to death of it to be honest with you) now its not that I hook up much but i go for long extenuated times of no involvement and then i just have to have something and a hook up is aight until i find what i really want and a person i really want would know because i wouldnt be all on thier ass in most cases lol. sometimes i cant resist. anyway i digress
back to darius lovehall 2 well i was a dick with him and he eventually got back with his boyfreind and told me he would rather not speak to me anymore . and in all honesty i didnt care. when we were speaking i told him i usually go to atl easter weekend, so low and behold there he was in the club and what a night it was. we danced the whole night and ended it with a kiss eventhough i was under the impression he had a man dont know if it was true or not but you make exceptions for a daius lovehall. any way we communicated for awhile and it fell off.
fast foreward to king weekend 2006 i went to a club yet again on the last night i was in atl and who did i see darius lovehall 2. wow i was bugging and we exchanged number and met up and had a date and he then drove me to the airport. being in his pressence this time i felt as though i had met the one i mean i'll explain . he is about 5 9 average height and build but so not average , extremely cute , and funky . he is the type of dude that could care less if he matches . he has every cd i do he loves JIll and thats a plus and he adores me . our date was so hot and we really didnt do much , but a day in his life was enough, just walking around with him was cool and seeing his world and another side of atl. anyhow we got back to the airport and i swear i didnt want to leave . we kissed and kissed and kissed . just thinking about being intimate with him made me feel tingly . anyway during the kissing he touched my dick and i didnt know what to do if i could just have frozen that moment in time . at that moment i was feeling somehting i hadnt felt in awhile ( well since darius lovehall one lol and this little wack ass dude in between he was more like an eric benet you know comes off like a darius lovehall but is actually the typical nigga on some bullshit) any how the whole experience was great . unlike other peopel i will dive right into things i know wont go anywhere just to have the experrience , why not. now its a bout a month later and we are kinda drifting apart because i cant do it anymore ( the long conversations and all and the false hope that someday we will chill agian and i pretty much kissed my atl living situation inquiries good bye)
so the purpose of this post is to acknowledge the fact that the darius lovehall is what i like and in order to find what i want i need to see what it is they had.
1) Inteligent
2) Funky ( both dudes were stylish rebels and extremely indiviual that shit made my dick hard)
3) unconventional beauty ( both was fly but they would never be adam4adam poster boys but they was so fly to me )
4) they had something to say , something to live for , purpose and conviction
5) they adored me ( it wasnt like other dates with the typical nyc gay riff raff, where cell phones are going off and im half interested and the other dude is trying to figure if im thugged out or whatever or if im to pretty to fuck him or whatever
6) i was extremely attracted ( very important i often kick it with people i dont like and it goes nowhere just because im trying to go for something different)
7) walks with the light
so with all this in mind i think i can look for what it is i really really want.
I mean the way he was is just perfect . i ve always thought that would be the type of dude for me to be with he was smart , artistic good looking , passionate all that shit . i always thought hmm would i ever meet him or some one liek that .
after years of searching met him two times
went on a date with him kissed him felt tingly didnt want to leave got on a plane and came back home to my reality .
met him both times in atl
my first darius lovehall was a trip, one of the most beautiful dudes i have ever met. He walked with the light ( that the best way i can describe it, it seemed as though something was shining over him.) I met him in bulldogs maybe two years ago and went back to atl for pride that same year and met up with him again. He drives a funky asss truck doesnt care if his locks look unkept, writes songs and thought i was too fly for words. i can still rememebr what his body looks like what his kiss was like , the way he smilled and danced while we were at the bowling alley it was one of the best dates of my life . i got on the plane and came back to the cold ass nyc. In time the communication fell off . along with him telling me something about himself which took a little away from his shine. but damn in retrospect i think i could still have been with him .
My second darius Lovehall . well this one is kinda still fresh he is still very much in my system in a way . i actually met him here on new years day 2005. and interesting day i was at rockwells i was drunk and i was in whorish mode , lets be real about it i was dancing and collecting numbers. darius lovehall 2 came up to and started to kick it , now the irony is the night before i saw him in krash ( ill yuck nasty dont liek that spot) i was there with one of my boys (ooh let me give him a name like other people do on thier blogs im sure ill mention him again) im goign to call him Carmex( if oyu saw his lips you get it but hes hot we go back and hes my boy)anyhow in the midst of collecting numbers and being in whoremode darrius lovehall 2 was not the main thing on my mind. i actually ended up hooking up with some one else that night. only embarassed about it because part of my new years resolution was no more hooking up ( hooking up for me means usually some making out a little jerky jerky maybe and posibbly some sucky sucky i rarely have sex cause im scared to death of it to be honest with you) now its not that I hook up much but i go for long extenuated times of no involvement and then i just have to have something and a hook up is aight until i find what i really want and a person i really want would know because i wouldnt be all on thier ass in most cases lol. sometimes i cant resist. anyway i digress
back to darius lovehall 2 well i was a dick with him and he eventually got back with his boyfreind and told me he would rather not speak to me anymore . and in all honesty i didnt care. when we were speaking i told him i usually go to atl easter weekend, so low and behold there he was in the club and what a night it was. we danced the whole night and ended it with a kiss eventhough i was under the impression he had a man dont know if it was true or not but you make exceptions for a daius lovehall. any way we communicated for awhile and it fell off.
fast foreward to king weekend 2006 i went to a club yet again on the last night i was in atl and who did i see darius lovehall 2. wow i was bugging and we exchanged number and met up and had a date and he then drove me to the airport. being in his pressence this time i felt as though i had met the one i mean i'll explain . he is about 5 9 average height and build but so not average , extremely cute , and funky . he is the type of dude that could care less if he matches . he has every cd i do he loves JIll and thats a plus and he adores me . our date was so hot and we really didnt do much , but a day in his life was enough, just walking around with him was cool and seeing his world and another side of atl. anyhow we got back to the airport and i swear i didnt want to leave . we kissed and kissed and kissed . just thinking about being intimate with him made me feel tingly . anyway during the kissing he touched my dick and i didnt know what to do if i could just have frozen that moment in time . at that moment i was feeling somehting i hadnt felt in awhile ( well since darius lovehall one lol and this little wack ass dude in between he was more like an eric benet you know comes off like a darius lovehall but is actually the typical nigga on some bullshit) any how the whole experience was great . unlike other peopel i will dive right into things i know wont go anywhere just to have the experrience , why not. now its a bout a month later and we are kinda drifting apart because i cant do it anymore ( the long conversations and all and the false hope that someday we will chill agian and i pretty much kissed my atl living situation inquiries good bye)
so the purpose of this post is to acknowledge the fact that the darius lovehall is what i like and in order to find what i want i need to see what it is they had.
1) Inteligent
2) Funky ( both dudes were stylish rebels and extremely indiviual that shit made my dick hard)
3) unconventional beauty ( both was fly but they would never be adam4adam poster boys but they was so fly to me )
4) they had something to say , something to live for , purpose and conviction
5) they adored me ( it wasnt like other dates with the typical nyc gay riff raff, where cell phones are going off and im half interested and the other dude is trying to figure if im thugged out or whatever or if im to pretty to fuck him or whatever
6) i was extremely attracted ( very important i often kick it with people i dont like and it goes nowhere just because im trying to go for something different)
7) walks with the light
so with all this in mind i think i can look for what it is i really really want.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
One is the lonliest number
Hmm. i wasnted to go out tonight . called up one of my boys last night asked if he was free he said yes and now its 12 39 and i am sitting writing on this damn blog that no one reads. cant really be upset with him this behavior goes pretty much in line with whats been going on with me these days . all my boys have shacked up pretty much left me dolo. usually it doesnt happen this way but i must admit winters are always ruff on me especially since i been living alone . winter is cold and lonely and i cant wait for the season to change. i guess next year i better follow the trend ( i dont know i say it as if i could ever do something so stupid) anyway thats that i think i might make it a year with out having sex (well i fooled around but that dont count)
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Who is a real friend
for the record i have been in the life for 4 years (damn my 4 year anniversary came and went , i forgot about it ) i think in this blog i will talk about alot of my experiences.
today im going to talk about who is a real friend in this lifestyle
an incident comes to mind that happened about a 8 months ago
their was a guy i was kicking it with in the summer of 2004, well let me be real not kicking it it was more like i wanted to kick it and he wanted to fuck around. Not that im a ho but there are some people i will come at like a slut ( and if i had to take a vote people like the slut more the other side no one really cares about ) and some people i will hold off on to get to know because i want more and he was one of those people. the funny part is i think i was more of the type of person he'd want to jump off with.any how me and dude kicked it two times in one day on our first date , he took me to a cook out with his freinds then called me up to go spend the night with him at a freinds house he was sitting for . i let that convince me that he had some sort of interest in me. anyhow i will remember durring the fooling around i stopped things when they were getting to far because i didnt see why we should go there.
Two things were done by him durring that night that should have clued me into where this was going
1) he said we will make good friends ( i ignored that)
2) he didnt kiss me before we parted ( i beleive that if you do not get that kiss before you walk out the door after doing god knows what the night before the person doesnt like you , or they may like you but your just a jump off and its not that serious)
any way all things considered i thought that i had met some one who was about something and not like he rest of the trash in the club( a good lesson learned the trash at the club can morph themselves into different personalities in order to lure you inn on occassion not that he was trash but it is something i have experienced with others before). so i kept the communication going ( oh yeah when you call some one all the time and they dont call you , that means they dont liek you). even though he never called me i thought to myself well he doesnt send me to voicemail and we always have a discussion. plus i think personality wise my representative was taking over (I have to think of a name for him) and my representative is nothing liek me , hes very mild mannered and passive and quiet and for awhile he has been very dead. its just sometimes when i meet some one i really like i dont want to show them the real deal in fear they will walk out because to be honest i can be one wild and crazy cussing mofo but i am crazy fun and soemtimes i think thats part of the reason my real freinds like me because im always living my life liek its golden.
anyhow i digress
i stopped calling dude but we saw each other around alot at clubs and what have you
and he would always give the stop and chat and the fake ass hug like we was cool like that . this i think is so unnecessary and i dont understand the phoniness that goes on .anyway one night in a drunkin mode i snubbed dude
fast forward to now he became a freind of one of my friends , you know that always happens , the circle is way too small. my friend for some reason thought we might know each other and asked me if i knew him i said yes and then he asked dude if he knew me and he tried to act like he didnt. after he gave in and said he knew me he went on to bad mouth me and talk about how shady i was, here where the real friend comes in . my freind preceeded to tell him off and discontinue communication . even after that they saw one another and my friend called him on the fake ass behavior that he does which is soemthing i doubt i would do but i though it was fly that he would do such a thing
now one may wonder why this stands out to me . mainly because i think friendships in this lifestyle are mainly fake i have people who consider themselves to be my best freinds and they still have conversations with several people who talk shit about me. they will call me up and say xyz person said xyz about you and i think to myself hmmm i dont think i would have let that go to far but considering you did i will put that in my memory file and keep the pending stamp on your friendship application.
today im going to talk about who is a real friend in this lifestyle
an incident comes to mind that happened about a 8 months ago
their was a guy i was kicking it with in the summer of 2004, well let me be real not kicking it it was more like i wanted to kick it and he wanted to fuck around. Not that im a ho but there are some people i will come at like a slut ( and if i had to take a vote people like the slut more the other side no one really cares about ) and some people i will hold off on to get to know because i want more and he was one of those people. the funny part is i think i was more of the type of person he'd want to jump off with.any how me and dude kicked it two times in one day on our first date , he took me to a cook out with his freinds then called me up to go spend the night with him at a freinds house he was sitting for . i let that convince me that he had some sort of interest in me. anyhow i will remember durring the fooling around i stopped things when they were getting to far because i didnt see why we should go there.
Two things were done by him durring that night that should have clued me into where this was going
1) he said we will make good friends ( i ignored that)
2) he didnt kiss me before we parted ( i beleive that if you do not get that kiss before you walk out the door after doing god knows what the night before the person doesnt like you , or they may like you but your just a jump off and its not that serious)
any way all things considered i thought that i had met some one who was about something and not like he rest of the trash in the club( a good lesson learned the trash at the club can morph themselves into different personalities in order to lure you inn on occassion not that he was trash but it is something i have experienced with others before). so i kept the communication going ( oh yeah when you call some one all the time and they dont call you , that means they dont liek you). even though he never called me i thought to myself well he doesnt send me to voicemail and we always have a discussion. plus i think personality wise my representative was taking over (I have to think of a name for him) and my representative is nothing liek me , hes very mild mannered and passive and quiet and for awhile he has been very dead. its just sometimes when i meet some one i really like i dont want to show them the real deal in fear they will walk out because to be honest i can be one wild and crazy cussing mofo but i am crazy fun and soemtimes i think thats part of the reason my real freinds like me because im always living my life liek its golden.
anyhow i digress
i stopped calling dude but we saw each other around alot at clubs and what have you
and he would always give the stop and chat and the fake ass hug like we was cool like that . this i think is so unnecessary and i dont understand the phoniness that goes on .anyway one night in a drunkin mode i snubbed dude
fast forward to now he became a freind of one of my friends , you know that always happens , the circle is way too small. my friend for some reason thought we might know each other and asked me if i knew him i said yes and then he asked dude if he knew me and he tried to act like he didnt. after he gave in and said he knew me he went on to bad mouth me and talk about how shady i was, here where the real friend comes in . my freind preceeded to tell him off and discontinue communication . even after that they saw one another and my friend called him on the fake ass behavior that he does which is soemthing i doubt i would do but i though it was fly that he would do such a thing
now one may wonder why this stands out to me . mainly because i think friendships in this lifestyle are mainly fake i have people who consider themselves to be my best freinds and they still have conversations with several people who talk shit about me. they will call me up and say xyz person said xyz about you and i think to myself hmmm i dont think i would have let that go to far but considering you did i will put that in my memory file and keep the pending stamp on your friendship application.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Rumors
This is my first blog an i should introduce myself but i figure i will do that at some other time
but today i want to talk about rumors
well before i even begin all i can think of is this song by a gospel group thati dont know of but i have them on my ipod and the song brings tears to my eyes eventhough im technically not a christian and there is a line in it that goes " i pray for you you pray for me i love you i need you to survive, i wont harm you with words from my mouth i love you i need you to survive"
do we really need each other to survive , hell yeah we do . and that line makes me think about how much people have hurt me with words from thier mouths and i am sure that i have done the same.
so the matter at hand
I am by day a nyc public school teacher . joined the profession in the beginning because i wanted to do some meaningful work with my day times and it leaves me ample time to pursue my musical career. well in the few years i have been teaching it basically consumes all my time and my musical career is a distant memory. when everi do write a song im surprised i still remember how to do that. the job though has always been difficult to me i wonder why. an artist friend once told me that i will continue to have difficulty in all of these things i pursue outside of my purpose until i begin to pursue what is my purpose.
anyhow in this environment i am somewhat of a celebrity (if we can call it that). so along with celebrity status comes the rumor mill
the latest rumours are two rumors that contradict one another. rumour one that i want to marry a coworker and rumour two that i am gay , shocking well both are. once again some one has harmed me with words from their mouth
their is such a crime in being different and i have been paying the price for that crime since day one.
im not marrying homegirl although i love her to death and she means alot to me
am i gay well i would definenetly never call myself that..... I am a black man i really dont identify with that term
not that i would have to explain myself
maybe im bi who knows i have never really sat back to think about as much i just do me and spread love and give love when need be and beleive that love has no titleor gender(hmm that sounds kinda gay ) whatever all i know is that im not confused and the least you make it an issue in your life then it becomes not an issue , maybe thats why i feel offended by the whole thing
in my own personal opinion the whole gay thing is seen in the str8 world as oh hes gay and all they can see is a dick going up your ass. so i guess thats why it offends me because thats not my reality. any how freinds have been dispelling the rumour and strrangely enough it doesnt hurt me as much as it would have in the past but it does sting to know that people who i have not harmed with words from my mouth have no problem harming me just to get a glimpse inside my life ....
but today i want to talk about rumors
well before i even begin all i can think of is this song by a gospel group thati dont know of but i have them on my ipod and the song brings tears to my eyes eventhough im technically not a christian and there is a line in it that goes " i pray for you you pray for me i love you i need you to survive, i wont harm you with words from my mouth i love you i need you to survive"
do we really need each other to survive , hell yeah we do . and that line makes me think about how much people have hurt me with words from thier mouths and i am sure that i have done the same.
so the matter at hand
I am by day a nyc public school teacher . joined the profession in the beginning because i wanted to do some meaningful work with my day times and it leaves me ample time to pursue my musical career. well in the few years i have been teaching it basically consumes all my time and my musical career is a distant memory. when everi do write a song im surprised i still remember how to do that. the job though has always been difficult to me i wonder why. an artist friend once told me that i will continue to have difficulty in all of these things i pursue outside of my purpose until i begin to pursue what is my purpose.
anyhow in this environment i am somewhat of a celebrity (if we can call it that). so along with celebrity status comes the rumor mill
the latest rumours are two rumors that contradict one another. rumour one that i want to marry a coworker and rumour two that i am gay , shocking well both are. once again some one has harmed me with words from their mouth
their is such a crime in being different and i have been paying the price for that crime since day one.
im not marrying homegirl although i love her to death and she means alot to me
am i gay well i would definenetly never call myself that..... I am a black man i really dont identify with that term
not that i would have to explain myself
maybe im bi who knows i have never really sat back to think about as much i just do me and spread love and give love when need be and beleive that love has no titleor gender(hmm that sounds kinda gay ) whatever all i know is that im not confused and the least you make it an issue in your life then it becomes not an issue , maybe thats why i feel offended by the whole thing
in my own personal opinion the whole gay thing is seen in the str8 world as oh hes gay and all they can see is a dick going up your ass. so i guess thats why it offends me because thats not my reality. any how freinds have been dispelling the rumour and strrangely enough it doesnt hurt me as much as it would have in the past but it does sting to know that people who i have not harmed with words from my mouth have no problem harming me just to get a glimpse inside my life ....
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