I hear when you get closer to thirty you start to care less about what others think. And I had some evil spirits around me. The two friends I lost were people I talked to on a daily basis. One was a self centered DL wanna be who didn't know his ass from his elbow. His confusion and adamant professions of "I am not gay" were classic but for a person who was sure of themselves like me I always felt a twinge of judgment in that. In him being so against who he was he was also saying that being that was probably the worse then on earth and so if I know I am gay what does that make me. In the end I believe his decision to distance himself from me was based on his need to validate his DL lifestyle and instead of me questioning his decision I did something that would work better for me, I let him go. Grown folks can make their own decisions no matter how fucked up they may be I was there for him through it all. I always had his back but when I needed friends around the time of my grandmothers death and all the issues I went through around spring time he was no where to be found but the people who have been rolling with me from day one were and they know what's up.
My other ex friend we had a serious falling out after going away on vacation together. I admit this was maybe and opportunity for us to really get to know each other eventhough he did call me his best friend back then. The trip was interesting I definately did wild out I will admit that got white boy drunk and did some crazy shit but hell that's what you do on vacation. Anyhow I also didn't want to jump up and do everything he wanted to do , there was definately a tug of war between the two of us. Even the fact that I take naps became an issue. I'm not 21 anymore and he still seems to be stuck in keg party, corny ass "hey bro" black/whiteboy mode. Any way I also felt that evil judgment coming form him that is common between us black gay males. I remember trying to pick and outfit one night and he basically told me nothing in my suitcase was suitable. I am not about that , no labels, not a fashion whore and I think I look better sometimes when I keep it simple. Anyhow the whole incident hurt my feelings. On top of that were the weight comments. Now I am not fat, but when you hang with these skinny anorexic bitches who have six pack and ask you if they look fat they can be problematic. Anyhow he told me one night after I was white boy drunk that I look so bloated and I was like wtf are we women, I mean, I was thinking what kind of men have this kind of discussion . And besides that he seemed to never need to eat and the fact that I needed at least 2 meals a day was a problem. Well couldn't wait for the vacation to end and our friendship ended over financial issues. We don't even say hello to one another anymore (that may be mainly my fault because when I am really mad a people I say nothing to avoid blowing up on them and making a scene because I have a crazy side and that's the best way I can keep it in check.) But I'm happy he is gone he was so negative always telling what I needed to fix or change and sadly enough I went with some of these things thinking they were for the better but what was for the better was for me to be me. He is gone and I don't miss him , I miss my other friend a little but he's grown. I think they will both realize what they lost one day but I doubt I will be open to rekindle our friendship. A part of me getting out of my fuck this summer was getting over that.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Hmmm It was nice
Well I had the date. It was about 2 hours off schedule but I had it . I would say it was nice I had good conversation with dude. We kept our clothes on , which was great , their wasn't even a good night kiss. It was all good I'm ready to do this again yes. I would say we had a great vibe going but you know what I have no clue where it will go and that is a great thing , I also don't care, in the least I hope we can be good friends. I must admit dude had some sexual magnetism. He had a look he gives that says "lets fuck" with out him saying it , but he's not about that he is really trying to get to know me in a respectful way so I'm with it
My club schedule for the week hasn't worked out to well but I will be back by Thursday. I'll see what I can get into at Luke and Leroy because lord knows I got into some stuff last week and to think that dude didn't even call, thank god didn't want him too lol. I dare him to try to hog my time this week , no chance I will definetely be in my sunglasses mood.
damn I want to have another date like tomorrow I can do this I really can
sidebar: when you are trying to get back into dating and meeting cool people is it ok to jump off , with one of the jump off type people because damn I aint got none in 13 months and rolling the dice doesn't work any more , I swear if I did it it would be once and it would help me clear my mind and I'd be all good . (If some one reads this blog besides me respond.)
My club schedule for the week hasn't worked out to well but I will be back by Thursday. I'll see what I can get into at Luke and Leroy because lord knows I got into some stuff last week and to think that dude didn't even call, thank god didn't want him too lol. I dare him to try to hog my time this week , no chance I will definetely be in my sunglasses mood.
damn I want to have another date like tomorrow I can do this I really can
sidebar: when you are trying to get back into dating and meeting cool people is it ok to jump off , with one of the jump off type people because damn I aint got none in 13 months and rolling the dice doesn't work any more , I swear if I did it it would be once and it would help me clear my mind and I'd be all good . (If some one reads this blog besides me respond.)
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
1st date of the "new year."
So one of the dudes I met on the train I will be meeting up with him for the first time tonight. Our first phone conversation lasted a few hours so that is a good sign I guess. I must say I am a bit nervous because since re-entering the dating scene we have crossed a few things I had decided I wasn't going to do. The first one was talk about ex's. Some how our convo went there and I think bringing the ex convo in prematurely is a bad thing but it wasn't my move it was his and I don't know how to stop some one from going there. The next issue is he wants this to be an indoors date and hmmm I hate those kinds of dates. The last dude who I had a horrible experience with I didn't realize he wasn't even my type until we went out together and I said to myself this cat is not even official at all. Even on a day when I am kind of being bummy about my look I still look presentable but I didn't realize he wasn't official because I had only chilled with him at his place . Had we gone on a date and he had shown up the way he was that one time we went out loneliness or not I doubt things would have gone where they did. Any way fuck him he's evil. I'm nervous about the at home date because I haven't had sexual intercourse in 13 months and I'm weak , very weak. My theory on the at home dates is people usually end up fooling around because they run out of things to do and as men we are always horny. I think I will roll the dice (take your right hand out and act as if you are rolling dice you will get it) before we meet up just to ensure nothing will happen, hmm good idea I'm going with that. Will update the blogger world on what happens.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Top 10 Why I Nevers of the moment
(replace the 3 dots with "Why I Never")
Wait first the back story , some how I have taken this thing to fit everything and I think I have personally transformed "Why I Never" into a manly statement I usually say it with the evil face that includes teeth clenched and fist balled up.
1)Muslim brothers selling bootleg DVD's on the train... (isn't there some kind of conflict in that , and I thought they were supposed to be better then the rest of us. They need to just keep to black soap , incense, oils and Bean Pies.)
2) Fanny Packs... (I can't do it man I'm sick of it and I have been ranting about them for a good 8 years now it has to stop and the summer just really brings them back.)
3) That blue tooth shit in every ones ear... (There is a women at my job that walks around with it all day , aint nobody trying to call her ass. People need to stop it, so what u got blue tooth nobody cares.)
4) The Black Gay Illuminati... (You know who I'm talking about the infamous clicks that seem to be in the middle of everything. I don't know, I have always been against clicks I always thought it was cool to not blend in and to not seek acceptance but to be you and people will learn to accept it and in most cases envy you for it. And also since when did gay people become so elitest I mean damn you would think a group like black gay men in the situations we are in would be more about loving and accepting one another because we are all we got in some cases. Also its not that I have as much issues with the clicks as I do the people who idolize them . Wtf, Put your sunglasses on so you can feel cool and do you.)
5) Kissing Flavor Flav... (Disclaimer:I hate admitting I even watch that show because it takes black folks back hundreds of years. Any how when I see those girls kissing him I almost throw up in my mouth and it never fails the same reaction every time. No amount of shine on TV would allow me to be able to kiss flavor flav.)
6) Extremely trendy people... ( I follow some trends sometimes if I like them but there are some people who are on every turn in fashion. I mean damn throw some of you in it. And as far as gay dudes are concerned I thought we was supposed to be individuals when you step in clubs now adays every one has that multicolored baseball cap on and the wwf wrestling belt around their waist they are all looking the same wackkkk. Sometimes you look so much hotter if you keep it simple anyhow. )
7) No Fems, no fats... (Disclaimer: I am neither fem or fat , god forbid some one would think that I'd die a lonely death because their aren't other options out there, I'm being sarcastic. When I see some one post that it kind of turns me off because they are in a way proclaiming some sort of supremacy. And just because one may post that doesn't mean people can't put on their acting game and become who you would want, beleive me I have seen it. I'm saying though dudes need to get out of that evil ass superficial mode if you don't like some one you don't have to kick it with them. If a fat dude hits u up and you don't like it you don't have to respond. If you slip up and go on a date with a fem dude its not the end of the world you don't have to marry dude but you also don't have the right to disrespect dude he is a person also.)
8) H&M underwear... ( I saw a dude in the train station the other day on the platform he proceeded to opening his pants and tucking his shirt in. As I observed him further and watched him proceed to putting his hand in his pants and readjusting his package and pulling at his thighs and all I realized what his problem was . He had on the H&M underwear. I have had this issue myself before , I cant fucks with them. I only put them on if I know I'm about to get some so dude can get the sexy underwear affect and they come off with in 30 minutes. That lycra and shit in them isn't the best for the black mans proportions. We have a lot of booty and some thighs sometimes and when you walk they end up riding up and crushing your balls. One day this happened to me and I thought I was going to have to some home and ice them down. Sidebar: All the play dude was doing with his underwear was a great midday turn on and the booty was nice I wanted it.)
9) All these white girls doing the Missy Elliot thing and making googobs more then her... (Lets see, the formula is a hot beat and a nonsense rhyme and if you can throw in a Timbaland affiliation then its all the more better ie. Gwen Stefani "Holla Back Girl" , Nelly Furtado "Promiscuous" and Fergie "London Bridge")
10) Psuedo-Bohos... (I hate people who join the boho movement just to be into something knowing they love to eat meat, they don't read books,they have dreds because they think they look cuter that way, they prefer beyonce over Jill Scott anyday etc. They just need to keep it real , I'm always grouped in with the bohos but I don't claim it like that, I'm no vegan , hell I even eat pork and could care less what people think about it. I'm just me I'm a little bit boho, I'm a little bit backpacker, I'm a little bit old school hip hop and when the beyonce of the moment song comes on I have no shame in dancing to it but I would never be caught dead buying one of her CD's)
Wait first the back story , some how I have taken this thing to fit everything and I think I have personally transformed "Why I Never" into a manly statement I usually say it with the evil face that includes teeth clenched and fist balled up.
1)Muslim brothers selling bootleg DVD's on the train... (isn't there some kind of conflict in that , and I thought they were supposed to be better then the rest of us. They need to just keep to black soap , incense, oils and Bean Pies.)
2) Fanny Packs... (I can't do it man I'm sick of it and I have been ranting about them for a good 8 years now it has to stop and the summer just really brings them back.)
3) That blue tooth shit in every ones ear... (There is a women at my job that walks around with it all day , aint nobody trying to call her ass. People need to stop it, so what u got blue tooth nobody cares.)
4) The Black Gay Illuminati... (You know who I'm talking about the infamous clicks that seem to be in the middle of everything. I don't know, I have always been against clicks I always thought it was cool to not blend in and to not seek acceptance but to be you and people will learn to accept it and in most cases envy you for it. And also since when did gay people become so elitest I mean damn you would think a group like black gay men in the situations we are in would be more about loving and accepting one another because we are all we got in some cases. Also its not that I have as much issues with the clicks as I do the people who idolize them . Wtf, Put your sunglasses on so you can feel cool and do you.)
5) Kissing Flavor Flav... (Disclaimer:I hate admitting I even watch that show because it takes black folks back hundreds of years. Any how when I see those girls kissing him I almost throw up in my mouth and it never fails the same reaction every time. No amount of shine on TV would allow me to be able to kiss flavor flav.)
6) Extremely trendy people... ( I follow some trends sometimes if I like them but there are some people who are on every turn in fashion. I mean damn throw some of you in it. And as far as gay dudes are concerned I thought we was supposed to be individuals when you step in clubs now adays every one has that multicolored baseball cap on and the wwf wrestling belt around their waist they are all looking the same wackkkk. Sometimes you look so much hotter if you keep it simple anyhow. )
7) No Fems, no fats... (Disclaimer: I am neither fem or fat , god forbid some one would think that I'd die a lonely death because their aren't other options out there, I'm being sarcastic. When I see some one post that it kind of turns me off because they are in a way proclaiming some sort of supremacy. And just because one may post that doesn't mean people can't put on their acting game and become who you would want, beleive me I have seen it. I'm saying though dudes need to get out of that evil ass superficial mode if you don't like some one you don't have to kick it with them. If a fat dude hits u up and you don't like it you don't have to respond. If you slip up and go on a date with a fem dude its not the end of the world you don't have to marry dude but you also don't have the right to disrespect dude he is a person also.)
8) H&M underwear... ( I saw a dude in the train station the other day on the platform he proceeded to opening his pants and tucking his shirt in. As I observed him further and watched him proceed to putting his hand in his pants and readjusting his package and pulling at his thighs and all I realized what his problem was . He had on the H&M underwear. I have had this issue myself before , I cant fucks with them. I only put them on if I know I'm about to get some so dude can get the sexy underwear affect and they come off with in 30 minutes. That lycra and shit in them isn't the best for the black mans proportions. We have a lot of booty and some thighs sometimes and when you walk they end up riding up and crushing your balls. One day this happened to me and I thought I was going to have to some home and ice them down. Sidebar: All the play dude was doing with his underwear was a great midday turn on and the booty was nice I wanted it.)
9) All these white girls doing the Missy Elliot thing and making googobs more then her... (Lets see, the formula is a hot beat and a nonsense rhyme and if you can throw in a Timbaland affiliation then its all the more better ie. Gwen Stefani "Holla Back Girl" , Nelly Furtado "Promiscuous" and Fergie "London Bridge")
10) Psuedo-Bohos... (I hate people who join the boho movement just to be into something knowing they love to eat meat, they don't read books,they have dreds because they think they look cuter that way, they prefer beyonce over Jill Scott anyday etc. They just need to keep it real , I'm always grouped in with the bohos but I don't claim it like that, I'm no vegan , hell I even eat pork and could care less what people think about it. I'm just me I'm a little bit boho, I'm a little bit backpacker, I'm a little bit old school hip hop and when the beyonce of the moment song comes on I have no shame in dancing to it but I would never be caught dead buying one of her CD's)
Saturday, August 19, 2006
I'm back
Well I have recently decided to pick up my life and a part of that is going back into the dating scene. I can honestly say that the past two years of dating a brother has really fell off. I guess a lot of it was catapulted by the numerous times I have gotten my feelings hurt. At this point I can not count the amount of times I was sitting in my bedroom singing "when will you call .. caaaaaall"(a la Bilal). Something about the whole dating thing and that whole calling thing fucks me up so I got tired of pursuing dudes and I became the one that didn't call. I could say I throw in the towel so fast it's never even clear if the person didn't like me or not I just know I don't want my feelings hurt so I cut them off before they cut me off and that makes it all the more easier or does it. I mean even worse then some one not calling, I feel like a loser if I am the one always calling them , its like wtf I like to feel special to.
I don't know, in the past two years I have learned many things and I have done to others the exact same things that have been done to me so in some instance I deserve what comes to me . I always wonder how it is you can hook up with some one and then they never speak to you again. It's like um we kissed all night and did xyz and now you cant even pick up the phone I mean why kiss me if you have no interest . Oh wait I can actually answer that myself because I have done it before and the reason why is because I was fucking horny, period point blank. And after I got that nut out of my system I wanted to turn over to them and be like are you still here (ooooh that sounds harsh) but I have issues with being touched by some people after I nut , I need therapy, confirmed moving on.
anyhow enough of the analyzing I'm back in the dating scene
still pondering the same thoughts
Quantity or quality
Well I went out Dolo again the other night and I must say I was on the quantity kick exchanged/gave my number to 5 dudes. 3 at the club and 2 on the train (disclaimer: I never speak to dudes on the train but they were staring at me and I thought fuck it you never know , and I'm convinced I will not meet the one by the usual means of online and the club.)
of all these five guys cant say I if I really liked any of them but I know they were all cute and maybe I will go out on a date with one or two if they call LOL. And if they don't quantitatively speaking it wont matter because I'm open to taking other numbers in the process.
So definately quantity will win I have been doing quality the past few years and its not something you can see because dudes will often mutate into what they think I would like and at the end of the day still be like the other superficial dick fiends on Adam.
Am I ready
yes more ready now then ever I feel like in the almost 5 years (my gay birthday is in January maybe I should celebrate) I been messing with dudes its like I went through my teen years , my exploration period , had my heart broke , had my feelings hurt, been a player everything I think I'm ready to really date . I just have to remember people coming over is not a date that's a hook up and if they come over we will do things we wouldn't normally do and that may leave me in a when will they call situation and that shit hurts my feelings I'm sensitive (damn hate that part of myself because most people would never know it)
what's the plan
I have to be in it to win it , I have to be social I have to leave my house and go out more often and I have to remember to smile and stop being an evil mofo. When I go out, if some one slaps me on the ass , pinches my nipple or grabs my dick it wont kill me , I will give them the evil eye afterward, well that depends on whether or not they are cute.
Well I will be posting every bit of what happens and we will see
( The next nights going out dolo will be Monday , Tuesday , Wednesday will be str8 club night, Thursday and maybe one day next weekend damn. I'm going to have to do this on a budget, the juice and drink will be done on the train )
I don't know, in the past two years I have learned many things and I have done to others the exact same things that have been done to me so in some instance I deserve what comes to me . I always wonder how it is you can hook up with some one and then they never speak to you again. It's like um we kissed all night and did xyz and now you cant even pick up the phone I mean why kiss me if you have no interest . Oh wait I can actually answer that myself because I have done it before and the reason why is because I was fucking horny, period point blank. And after I got that nut out of my system I wanted to turn over to them and be like are you still here (ooooh that sounds harsh) but I have issues with being touched by some people after I nut , I need therapy, confirmed moving on.
anyhow enough of the analyzing I'm back in the dating scene
still pondering the same thoughts
Quantity or quality
Well I went out Dolo again the other night and I must say I was on the quantity kick exchanged/gave my number to 5 dudes. 3 at the club and 2 on the train (disclaimer: I never speak to dudes on the train but they were staring at me and I thought fuck it you never know , and I'm convinced I will not meet the one by the usual means of online and the club.)
of all these five guys cant say I if I really liked any of them but I know they were all cute and maybe I will go out on a date with one or two if they call LOL. And if they don't quantitatively speaking it wont matter because I'm open to taking other numbers in the process.
So definately quantity will win I have been doing quality the past few years and its not something you can see because dudes will often mutate into what they think I would like and at the end of the day still be like the other superficial dick fiends on Adam.
Am I ready
yes more ready now then ever I feel like in the almost 5 years (my gay birthday is in January maybe I should celebrate) I been messing with dudes its like I went through my teen years , my exploration period , had my heart broke , had my feelings hurt, been a player everything I think I'm ready to really date . I just have to remember people coming over is not a date that's a hook up and if they come over we will do things we wouldn't normally do and that may leave me in a when will they call situation and that shit hurts my feelings I'm sensitive (damn hate that part of myself because most people would never know it)
what's the plan
I have to be in it to win it , I have to be social I have to leave my house and go out more often and I have to remember to smile and stop being an evil mofo. When I go out, if some one slaps me on the ass , pinches my nipple or grabs my dick it wont kill me , I will give them the evil eye afterward, well that depends on whether or not they are cute.
Well I will be posting every bit of what happens and we will see
( The next nights going out dolo will be Monday , Tuesday , Wednesday will be str8 club night, Thursday and maybe one day next weekend damn. I'm going to have to do this on a budget, the juice and drink will be done on the train )
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Feliz Ano Nuevo
So I brought in my new year yesterday
I fell asleep for three hours and woke up and it was already past 12 midnight so I didn't get to count down like I had wanted to but I knew I was definitely going to go out . So I took a shower, got dressed and put on my ipod and headed out . I decided to go to stonewall, well because that was my only option. Anyhow this is another dolo club outing , I did my first one last week to one of the parties during black gay pride which turned out ok , I saw a few people I knew so I was cool but I didn't really hang with them too much , I kind of mingled which was cool . Anyhow last night I was pretty much all alone saw one person I knew he gave off cool vibes. I must say though I really enjoyed myself something feels good about not caring that I am at a club alone . The only problem is I cant get "white boy drunk" but I still am able to get a little buzz . I think I am going to go dolo more often part of the new me if I want to go out I will go and have fun.
Happy new year
I fell asleep for three hours and woke up and it was already past 12 midnight so I didn't get to count down like I had wanted to but I knew I was definitely going to go out . So I took a shower, got dressed and put on my ipod and headed out . I decided to go to stonewall, well because that was my only option. Anyhow this is another dolo club outing , I did my first one last week to one of the parties during black gay pride which turned out ok , I saw a few people I knew so I was cool but I didn't really hang with them too much , I kind of mingled which was cool . Anyhow last night I was pretty much all alone saw one person I knew he gave off cool vibes. I must say though I really enjoyed myself something feels good about not caring that I am at a club alone . The only problem is I cant get "white boy drunk" but I still am able to get a little buzz . I think I am going to go dolo more often part of the new me if I want to go out I will go and have fun.
Happy new year
Monday, August 14, 2006
Summer Funk
Im starting to feel like me again. The lesson learned in this summer is im going to fall down , im going to lose it, im going to have moments of depression and I will recover from them but I will have them again. Its like we fall down but we get up and adding, we will fall down again and again but we have to keep getting up.
Being home all this time forced me to think about some shit. the main thing is i have to start this year all over again as if today is new years. If shit isnt working out there is nothing wrong with starting all over again. I and many others often wait for a moment to symbolize something. Alll year while I was working I was waiting for the summer to come before I would write some songs, take guitar lesson again, get a drivers license, tone up pshh pshh pshh thats bullshit . For all i know a car could have run me over between then and now (knock on wood). i have to live in the moment from this point on.
Another thing that crippled me this summer was anger. I was on the angry blackman world tour this summer. I was extremely upset about work, my ex-freinds/new enemies, money issues, dating life, evrything. And my mother's words are making all the more since now. She always says "while you are sitting here angry and cant sleep the people who have done you wrong are having nice peaceful rest not thinking one minute about you"
Well things are turning around....
My music :I went to see the sugar water festival (jill Scott , erykah badu and queen latifah) this weekend and damnit if those women didnt inpire me!!!
At the end of the day i have to keep it real on this one issue. The whole music thing has been on hold mainly because I am scared. Scared that my music will go somewhere and be destroyed because of the life I have lead in regardss to my sexuality. I dont think I have to phone in and tell everyone about it but people talk. When I saw those girls performing this weekend , I relaized they were all in thier own right a break from the norm, I felt inspired. I came right home that night and wrote a song. I think that sometimes its not about who you are or percieved to be but its about how you handle peoples reaction to you. Whatever, I cant fail if I dont try so I have to at least try. and oh yeah this is the first time i have finished a song in six years, now it seems like my 100 thousand dollar education may have been worth it after all .
Being angry at freinds :I cant be angry at these ex freinds anymore and I also dont have time for enemies. If I rely on some faith I know that they will one day come to thier sinces and unfortunatley I will be long gone but whatever .
Dating: I have definently lost my groove in that area. Cant even say i know how to do it anymore and furthermore who would want to mess with an angry blackman, I know I wouldnt. So i figure once I figure me out which im starting to do and get me in line I will draw the right people to me like I used to be able to do years ago.
Work: I have to ditch that sinking ship . I love my kids (im a teacher) and my community but the beauracracy and the politics have won. i am also tired of having to compromise whop i am and constantly fighting a culture of disrespect.This will be my 5th and last year at the school I work at . so many options are available to me i have to just pick one and make it the right decision. If i didnt need acheck to pay my bills I would quit now but a brother got debt. Interesting thing though , when things consistently dont work out i think its kind of devine intervention telling me i need to move on and its not for me and i really dont remember much that has worked out in my job in the past three years,
well all that being said
Happy New years ( being said in the loudest, most festive bronx puerto rican voice)
Being home all this time forced me to think about some shit. the main thing is i have to start this year all over again as if today is new years. If shit isnt working out there is nothing wrong with starting all over again. I and many others often wait for a moment to symbolize something. Alll year while I was working I was waiting for the summer to come before I would write some songs, take guitar lesson again, get a drivers license, tone up pshh pshh pshh thats bullshit . For all i know a car could have run me over between then and now (knock on wood). i have to live in the moment from this point on.
Another thing that crippled me this summer was anger. I was on the angry blackman world tour this summer. I was extremely upset about work, my ex-freinds/new enemies, money issues, dating life, evrything. And my mother's words are making all the more since now. She always says "while you are sitting here angry and cant sleep the people who have done you wrong are having nice peaceful rest not thinking one minute about you"
Well things are turning around....
My music :I went to see the sugar water festival (jill Scott , erykah badu and queen latifah) this weekend and damnit if those women didnt inpire me!!!
At the end of the day i have to keep it real on this one issue. The whole music thing has been on hold mainly because I am scared. Scared that my music will go somewhere and be destroyed because of the life I have lead in regardss to my sexuality. I dont think I have to phone in and tell everyone about it but people talk. When I saw those girls performing this weekend , I relaized they were all in thier own right a break from the norm, I felt inspired. I came right home that night and wrote a song. I think that sometimes its not about who you are or percieved to be but its about how you handle peoples reaction to you. Whatever, I cant fail if I dont try so I have to at least try. and oh yeah this is the first time i have finished a song in six years, now it seems like my 100 thousand dollar education may have been worth it after all .
Being angry at freinds :I cant be angry at these ex freinds anymore and I also dont have time for enemies. If I rely on some faith I know that they will one day come to thier sinces and unfortunatley I will be long gone but whatever .
Dating: I have definently lost my groove in that area. Cant even say i know how to do it anymore and furthermore who would want to mess with an angry blackman, I know I wouldnt. So i figure once I figure me out which im starting to do and get me in line I will draw the right people to me like I used to be able to do years ago.
Work: I have to ditch that sinking ship . I love my kids (im a teacher) and my community but the beauracracy and the politics have won. i am also tired of having to compromise whop i am and constantly fighting a culture of disrespect.This will be my 5th and last year at the school I work at . so many options are available to me i have to just pick one and make it the right decision. If i didnt need acheck to pay my bills I would quit now but a brother got debt. Interesting thing though , when things consistently dont work out i think its kind of devine intervention telling me i need to move on and its not for me and i really dont remember much that has worked out in my job in the past three years,
well all that being said
Happy New years ( being said in the loudest, most festive bronx puerto rican voice)
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Heterosexual Vacation
Hmm Last week i decided to go to one of my favorite str8 clubs in the city . its beginning to become more common for me to be in a str8 club then a gay club these days . anyhow the kind of str8 clubs i am into are usually some old school back packer type spots. This spot is one of my favorites. I decided to go with my brother who is my best freind and who i always have fun with when we go out. we are just on the same page and we know how to wild out for real, been that way since day one. Any how on this particular night we were having our fun drinking and what not . While chilling in the club a girl comes up to me and tells me that her cousins birthday was that day and that she thought i was hot and wanted to take a picture with me. So i was like cool i went over and damn was she fine. She was on a level i never could have gotten back in the day when i was trying to get with females.
Any way we chilled for awhile and the chick was loving me and for the moment i was intrigued plus i had a few drinks and my brother was eating it all up. I told him I messed with dudes about a year and a half ago and he always wants me to cross back over to his side. He really couldnt understand how i could pull such a fly girl . anyhow i chilled with home girl talked with her and all , then she dropped the bomb she was only 18 but whatever that bomb could never top mine. so i rolled with it and tried to play the mildly interested role and all that did was make her want me more.
well the night ended with her putting her number in my phone and her and i making out
hmmm
That shit was hot for real and she was able to get me turned on . and somehow i thought that function didnt work for me with women anymore but it did that day and im sure it would any other day
it all made me stop to think maybe i am more in the grey area but who cares i know what i go after on the regular and thats dudes. however this young girl made me think for a minute.
Long story short i never gave her the call because of a few reasons one she lives far away , two shes too young and three i beleive in karma and me playing around with homegirl would only come back and bite me in the ass.
she was sweet though and in a different world i would have liked to have chilled with her even though she was damn near jail bait.
two observations:
One may be thinking why is this post called heterosexual vacation. Well thats exactly what it felt like, it was a moment to be back in that world . where i could kiss a significant other in public , hold thier hand and just be with them with out that public scrutiny and fear attached to it . Shit for all i know thats what was really turning me on . damn it was nice if only for a little while. although i love who i am its moments like that that make me realize just how different i really am, or we really are . will i live to see the day where i will be able to express affection to my significant other in public , hell do i even want that. I dont even know if i would do it if it was ok , being that i am so brainwashed on the issue .
another observation i had was when my brother kept asking why she picked me (well besides the fact that im fly). i think it was my demeanor in the club. in a str8 club i am looking for no one really so as a result i get women who want to dance with me and all that shit , i do alot better in the str8 clubs these days . On the other hand my brother walks into a club searching. from the minute he comes in the door he is figuratively doing the "have you seen her" dance (hand in a salute position over your eye looking back and forth). hell i admit i have been guilty of this in gay clubs , and i have definently worked the room before (left my freinds where they stood to walk off alone and see who was in the club).
recently i have become a jaded mofo , so that also steers people away . but when i have my moments where im chilling with my boys or by myself just enjoying the music people approach me so i think i better go with that in the future because this is one dateless summer.
Any way we chilled for awhile and the chick was loving me and for the moment i was intrigued plus i had a few drinks and my brother was eating it all up. I told him I messed with dudes about a year and a half ago and he always wants me to cross back over to his side. He really couldnt understand how i could pull such a fly girl . anyhow i chilled with home girl talked with her and all , then she dropped the bomb she was only 18 but whatever that bomb could never top mine. so i rolled with it and tried to play the mildly interested role and all that did was make her want me more.
well the night ended with her putting her number in my phone and her and i making out
hmmm
That shit was hot for real and she was able to get me turned on . and somehow i thought that function didnt work for me with women anymore but it did that day and im sure it would any other day
it all made me stop to think maybe i am more in the grey area but who cares i know what i go after on the regular and thats dudes. however this young girl made me think for a minute.
Long story short i never gave her the call because of a few reasons one she lives far away , two shes too young and three i beleive in karma and me playing around with homegirl would only come back and bite me in the ass.
she was sweet though and in a different world i would have liked to have chilled with her even though she was damn near jail bait.
two observations:
One may be thinking why is this post called heterosexual vacation. Well thats exactly what it felt like, it was a moment to be back in that world . where i could kiss a significant other in public , hold thier hand and just be with them with out that public scrutiny and fear attached to it . Shit for all i know thats what was really turning me on . damn it was nice if only for a little while. although i love who i am its moments like that that make me realize just how different i really am, or we really are . will i live to see the day where i will be able to express affection to my significant other in public , hell do i even want that. I dont even know if i would do it if it was ok , being that i am so brainwashed on the issue .
another observation i had was when my brother kept asking why she picked me (well besides the fact that im fly). i think it was my demeanor in the club. in a str8 club i am looking for no one really so as a result i get women who want to dance with me and all that shit , i do alot better in the str8 clubs these days . On the other hand my brother walks into a club searching. from the minute he comes in the door he is figuratively doing the "have you seen her" dance (hand in a salute position over your eye looking back and forth). hell i admit i have been guilty of this in gay clubs , and i have definently worked the room before (left my freinds where they stood to walk off alone and see who was in the club).
recently i have become a jaded mofo , so that also steers people away . but when i have my moments where im chilling with my boys or by myself just enjoying the music people approach me so i think i better go with that in the future because this is one dateless summer.
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