What kind of fuckery is this?

Continuing with the Amy Winehouse theme
What kind of fuckery is this, I mean really? #1

Mr. Sexy

1st text: I want to c u
2nd text: Thinkin about you
( so im game and like lets meet up he says yes)

next text: I just got home in Jersey , the buses don't run well , if I come to meet you I may have to spend the night yada yada yada, wa wa wonk wa wa

he didnt show up

the next day text messaging :yada yada yada , I got locked out the house , homie I'm staying with aint got the keys, yada yada woopdie woo, I gotta pick up my guitar . I am back in jersey Im tired as hell I can't come through (I personally was at the bar getting my drink on flirting been done moved on)


What kind of Fuckery is this?
I know exactly what kind of fuckery it is. Hmm, let me go through my memory file and get a few pointers.
1) Always text you and uses minimal phone calling
2) Bullshits you all day and cancels
3) Keeps you hanging on (or at least thinks he is )

Answer: This mofo has a man
I know he cant be that confused and flaky
To be continued..... We had such a great vibe at the club I hope I am wrong (giving myself the girl please eye.)

What kind of Fucker is this, I mean really? #2

Im at a bar last night (where I was while Mr. Sexy was texting me)

We will call him Sparkle (because there is something shiney about him, I just can't put my finger on it.)

Sparkle came up to me and here is the Dialogue

Sparkle: You are a teacher right?
Kindacleva: Yes I am
Sparkle: Do you remember me?
Kindacleva: yes
Sparkle: you was so drunk the night we met
Kindacleva: I know , But I remember you
Sparkle: How are the kids, How is work?
Kindacleva: Great
(and he walks away)

Now the whole time I was acting like a shady mofo. Usually when I want to talk to some one I ask questions and I engage myself in the convo.

Back Story: I met him on the train on the way home from the club in the summer. I was drunk but not whiteboy drunk I knew what was going on. We exchanged numbers and set up to chill the next day. Upon which he asked if I would be cooking dinner. I hadn't planned to but I thought dude was cute so I went out to do some light grocery shopping to cook him something. He was supposed to show up at 8 . He never showed up, never called, nothing.

Back to the bar

I am walking through the bar and he stops me again.

Sparkle: Are you leaving
Kindacleva: No
Sparkle: Oh ok, How come you never called me
Kindacleva: I did , I called planned for us to meet and when the time came you never showed up.
Sparkle: No not true, you never called
(He looked like he was telling the truth but I'm no fucking freshmen , he rememdered who I was and all, I was giving him the girl please eye and he never caught on to it.)
Kindacleva: I did
Sparkle: well lets exchange numbers
Kindacleva: ok (thinking whatever lets see what he does) I will give you my number
Sparkle: My phone is in my jacket pocket I will give you mine and you can give me a call.
Kindacleva: No I will send you a text and you call me.
Sparkle: Ok I will do that

What kind of Fuckery is this?

I know exactly what kind of fuckery this is , going into the memory file again.

1) you made plans he totally flaked out, didn't even cancel, he just didn't show up. Haven't heard from him since.
2) He sees you out and finally gets up the nerve to speak (his bourgious ass had a few sips of the red wine and he is feeling sexy and got some balls)

Answer: This mofo just wants to get back in. He saw me out and was like damn I fucked that up let me see if I could get back in. And he just knows because he got this cute little ass when he gives me his number im just going to jump on it (that's where the red wine came in.)

Why did he cancel, who knows maybe his steady dick was headed over, and why chance new dick you never seen for the old one you know well. Or maybe he fell asleep (girl please eyes). Or maybe he was playing a game and wanted to see if I would chase him .

Now all that being said if he wanted back in he would have gotten mad respect if he just walked up to me and appologized for what he did. He really wouldn't have even had to tell me why he did what he did . Appologize be a man about it and I gotta respect that and I will kick it with you if i am bored twitling my fingers and have completely ran out of shit to watch on x tube and ran completely out of vaseline.

What Kind of fuckery is this I mean really? #3

So this dude I have known for a few years and we see each other out, we have been meaning to kick it for years and every now and then we get consistent. His only problem is he wants to be pursued and I don't do that, it's never thats serious 50 50 with me or nothing. I did recently troop it out to "Carajo Land" (newyourican for west bubblefuck) to go to a party he was having that was lame. Considering how far I went for him I would think that would show initiative . So he sends me this text.

" I am home from my trip n have a week off, whats good when we chillin"

I responded

"wednesday"

Wednesday came and he he hit me up online saying , "Oh we supposed to chill and you never even called" to which I never responded, because I was like shit if you want to chill why should I have to chase you around like your a little girl.
Today I get a text that says

"Had the week off, thanks to those who chose to chill with me for those who didn't spring cleaning is coming up n yes this is a group message"

What kind of Fuckery is this?
Hmm checking my memory file ............. coming up blank

This is some new fuckery. I have always thought this dude was sending mass text where I was concerned. I am left to assume his first text was a mass text and probably all the text he sends me are. How fucking tacky is that. I mean I get my playa playa on myself but I would have never sent a text thanking all those that took me out on a date this week and then vilifying those who didn't and telling them they will be erased. Mofo erase me because I don't give a rats ass. He got a nice little booty though but what he fails to realize is he is old school now and there is nice new 22 and 23 year old booty on the scene so him erasing my number isn't going to affect me not one bit.

Try To make me go to rehab, I said no no no...

Well carrying on with the Amy Winehouse theme I was feet first in the crack house yesterday. But I decided not to go straight to adam I decided to start with his ghetto little sister BGC. And it was like riding a horse . I hit up dudes they hit me up . Before I knew it 4 hours flew by and I was still sitting there juggling about 5 different chats on Yahoo, AIM and BGC. It was interesting , it was alright but somewhere in the back of my head I was thinking hmm where is all of this going and with the fire burning inside of me all this wasn't queltching it.

So I decided to go out to splash , after talking to one of the dudes from bgc on the phone I got up fixed my hair up, took a shower and when I went to get dressed I realized the shirt I brought didn't fit at all , it didnt even close to fit. Oh shit this could have ruined the night because I had planed for that to be my next club outfit but I had to recycle a shirt that I had worn 2 weeks ago to a house party but it was all good I wasn't going to let that stop me.

I decided I was going to step out last night with a positivity molotov coctail . This consisted of my ipod with a playlist of only happy uplifting songs , alot of gospel mixed in and the main ingredient watermelon vodka and cranberry in one bottle and watermelon vodka and grape juice in the other bottle , who says vodka and gospel dont go together , in my world they are a perfect match. I was having my own private party coming from the bronx into the city and by the time I hit 96 street I was kind of lit. When I got of at 18th street couldn't nobody tell me I wasn't the shit , couldn't nobody tell me life wasn't great and amazing, nothing could break my stride.
So I got in the club, it was cute, lots of people , the energy was great. The energy of splash on a tuesday night is always great. I would say splash and the defunct luke and leroy always were the ideal spots for me and the vibe is always good. It doesnt feel like culture club or now Shelter where I feel like I am being sized up from the moment I step in the door. Those parties to me bring in an element of fashion faboulosity and elitist attitudes. It's not like I can't roll with em because I can stroll with the best, but it isn't me. The inner me is a nerdy black boy from Queens who read books during gym and once wore church shoes and a pink dress shirt to school in the 7th grade circa 1991 a very bold move and fashion no no for the time period oh yeah and dressing like that was also like commining social suicide but hell I had no freinds so it didn't matter. In Splash I feel relaxed and u can be you in that club. You just go have some drinks and have fun, thats what everyone is doing there having fun. 75 percent of Shelter is mingling and looking and sizing up, people aren't dancing like there is no tomorrow in there, not unless they are white boy drunk. Anyhow I digress.

So I do the coat check thing take a leak and hit the dancefloor at splash. The minute I hit the floor I see this dude and I'm like fuck he is cute. But he was dancing with some one and I was thinking he probably won't like me anyway but whatever won't let that fuck with my positivity molotov coctail ( I am human insecurity does sneak in every now and then.) Anyhow I stayed there and started to get my boogie on and when I turned around none other then Mr. Sexy was looking at me well not looking but staring. So I said "whats up " and we started dancing and talking . He kept telling me how good he thought I looked. I loved it I didn't want to let him go. Then I did something I dont do (one of my new philosophies when you keep doing the same thing you get the same results) I had to pee badl, I told him I had to go to the bathroom but I didn't want to leave him. So I asked him to come with me. He did we held hands walking to the bathroom and coming back. Then we sat at a table and talked for a minute where I told him I want to be with one person . In 30 minutes I broke every rule in the playa handbook. On page one it tells not to hold hands at the club, discuss how you really feel about relationships and yeah let some dude know he has got you burning up on the inside. If "Don Majic Wand" could see me now he would take his walking stick and shove it right into my windpipe. Well fuck the playa handbook, that shit aint got me nuthing but lonely winter after winter, time to do something new.

So finally he did have to leave I walked him to coat check, yup holding his hand. He introduced me to like 8 friends he got his coat we hugged and yes there was a peck or two and he left. I stayed he said he would let me know when he got in, and yes he actually did , I was still at the club. After he left I got another drink and the D.J. got wicked on the turntables and I danced like my life depended on it and I had such a good time.

The Universe is a trip , I guess I really dont need BGC or Cousin Adam after all and the universe had to express that to me blatantly.

I feel like Amy Winehouse in a crack house smoking a cigarette

She knows damn well she is going to try and get a hit of that pipe.
(Amy get out the Crackhouse Yo!!!!)

So let me make the connection.

I am off work this week. And I must admit there is a fire burning inside of me. If some one doesn't put there ass in my face in the next 24-36 hours I am going to lose it.

This apartment, is my crack house. I have nothing to do here and all I can think about is sex. It's only a matter of time before I call up cousin adam and see if he can find me some dates (rejoin adam for adam.)
And for sure cousin adam is my crack. Cousin adam is a waste of my time, he is addictive, he can ruin lives etc. just like crack.
I just text my sponsor (my friend who I deleted all the sites with on january 1st) Well he has found a man so he can't relate to the fire that is burning inside of me .

Shit let me look through some pics, I gotta post some hot shit , I'm not fucking around...

Rejection

So I said I would talk about decenmeber , Hmmm well I am just getting back form a night out and what happened tonight is recalling to me to december. Well in December I was with two guys who were my dream guys . Two, can you fucking believe that, and in the month of february neither one is around . what a moment.

Maybe when he told me his favorite cd was from Jaged Edge I should have known it wouldn't work .
Or was it the way he downplayed the fact that I would be out of town . I thought damn I'm coming back it will be all good . We have mad time when I get back. But I really think he wanted me to cancel my trip

or was it the fact that I dated his friend who he down played on our date . Truth be told his friend also kissed me on the night that we exchanged numbers and yes he saw us lol.

Whatever , when I got back from dc it was dead . He gave me the I will call you back game and never did. Damn he looked like the man I wanted . I mean he was everything I would ever need to be phsyically attracted . I have met 2 guys in my whole life that were 100 percent what I would have drawn in the picture of what I am 100 percent attracted to.
Let me be real I used to always see him out and day dream about that being the dude that I wanted and Imagine actually having the oportunity to meet him and chill with him and go on a date with him , and hear him tell me that he wanted to see me . To see more of me. And then nothing . Rejection, I can't take it well . I used to not be able to take it . This book I am reading tells me about all of these things I have chosen. I chose the parents I have, I chose the life I live, I chose all of these things pre-birth because it was something that I needed to over come in order to be able to go to the next level on my journey in life. I chose this dude, he would be the last to reject me and hurt my feelings. When I figured he was rejecting me , I was hurt I mean really hurt . I didnt go out for almost 2 months in fear of seeing him . but recently I got over it I think and I started going out, but it wasnt until tonight that I saw him . He acknowledge me but then again he didn't. I had to acknowledge him first . Then there was a time when he stared at me in the club . And then there was the moment when I was talking to another dude and I thought, me thinking about this other dude who has proved to me isn't worthy of me is a waste of time. Then there was the sad walk back to the train station where i thought wow, I'm too fucking fly for this bullshit. I wake up too early in the morning and plant too many seeds to be sittting thinking that I won't be granted the best . He turned me down but you know what, fuck him and the horse he road in on. If he doesnt realize what he gave up on fuck em, he isn't the one for me. Fuck him and many others . I am erasing all the people who have me on the back burner it doesnt help to communicate with those who dont have me in the front and then give half my attention to those who do want me .
I walked back to the train in the rain with my yellow umbrella. Something about that umbrella makes me laugh. I thought about how it was so silly to put some one elses perception of who I am above who I know I am and I laughed. I laughed and smiled and moved on. This is not thick skin . This is relaity I am growing , growing to know how fly I am and how what looks good to me isn't always good for me . He rejected me, but you know what that's ok because he isn't what I want. Bless him on his journey , in his moments of discomfort may he realize what he really wants, as I have. The future is full of posibilities. I'm going to pick from the tree of happiness, I'm going to smile with my yellow umbrella and deflect all the negative energy . I will do away with all that puts me in a state of negativity and double up on all the things that make me smile .

Hppy Valentines Day (Alas we have missed the Mark)

So I planned it out and thought it out but the date didn't arrive. Well truth be told I didn't really believe in it . My faith in it happening went in and out. I was gung ho two nites and stayed in the rest of the days I was supposed to be putting myself in the public eye.

I came to a thought about how you give certain people a moment in your life that you may never get back . Even an Insignificant moment and whether or not those people deserve it. Let me list a few examples
1) My birthday - when I turned 24 I went on a date with my first and only kind of boyfriend. The date was amazing the realtionship was wack on many levels and affected me even wanting to be in a relationship for years to follow. No matter what everytime I have a birthday I think of that great night but I also think of what proceeded it from an open heart to an ice-box where it used to be . Even if i think about it for 5 minutes it's a waste , he didnt deserve it.
2) The first guy I had sex with- He was a dude from online. There was no loving story attached to it . It was aight but I could have done with out it but I will never get that moment back.

So my first Valentines day date, I decided it was worth more to me then to give it to some one I just met a few days prior to it . And truth be told giving Valentines day to a stranger may emply something unless it is discussed in advance. So I decided to go to the gym and to go to the record store (sidebar: I was thinking the last few times I went to the record store how I would love for wow gospel 2008 to come out and I walked in and there it was sitting on the shelf .... ahhh the secret lol) and went to buy a new mop from K-mart (sidebar: dont fuck with the swiffer wet jet , they romanced me with there commercials and all and I threw my old mop out but the minute you have a spill you realize swiffer can't do shit for you. )

So the time crunch wasn't right for the valentines day world tour so I decided to add another leg to the tour. Im going to extend it to march 14 and lets see what we come up with .

The Valentines Day World Tour Check-In

Well I went out and here is the run down
Thursday
Well we went to look for the party. I went on line found the spot that was supposed to be where luke and leroy went to. It was club rush and welll I guess I wont be going out on thursdays anymore in NYC, I mean the black gay club life in this city just isnt the same . The club we were at was beyond wack . But I did bump into a former guy I used to talk to he stared at me for 15 minutes until I went over to talk to him and we exchanged numbers again he seemed excited I called on saturday left a message and have as of yet to hear back from him but its all good hope is still alive. We left that club and headed to Escuelita which was better but still wack.

Friday night
So we went to Club Shelter which was much better then anything we endured on thursday but it wasn't great . I met a little dude there . Hmmm he was fucking sexy but a little on the fem side. Considering how lonely I have been and keeping it real I was thining do I shunn off feminity because of what others would think or could I fuck with , I don't, I know I could fuck with him for sure. I want to kick it with him though , we will see. One thing I do like about most feminine type dudes is they take care of there man and dagnabbit I wouldn't mind that (come make me some sausage, grits and cheese eggs in the morning and iron my clothes and give me some good loving you might be able to get my heart.)

After those two days I was supposed to go out again , I don't feel as though either of them is what I want for my valentines day date so in the mean time I will keep on truckin.
I am trying to decide if I will go out tonight but hmm..... who knows

I drew a picture just like they did in the secret and I'm going to meditate on it and see what it brings.

The Valentines Day World Tour

Well it's here again another Valentines day. Last year it was just another day of the week , can't even tell you what happened . It had the same symbolance as february 13th. This year I have decided not to let it pass. I am going to do something new . Now, I like to do these little experiments with myself including the power of the law of attraction and just putting it into action. So I declare that I will have a valentines day date and he will be some one worthy of spending that day with.
So today is February 4th so I have 10 days to find that date . I will document what will happen as it goes along on this. Most would say I am way past the time period one should be in to have a valentines day date but bump that I'm sure I will make it work. If I were still on adam and the other sites I'm sure it wouldn't take as long, hell I could have a valentines day fuck if I wanted but I am going to find that valentines day date the right way. This will be called the Valentines day world tour . I will be out and in the places letting my light shine.