"Slow down baby your moving too fast got your head in the clouds but your feet on the gas about to wreck your future running from the past "

Ok the Original title for this post was going to be my new part time job.

Somwhere in the past few weeks of the summer I started to "wild out" I started partying up a storm getting crazy drunk and wracking up the numbers. What did that bring, a whole bunch of dudes to talk to on the phone. So when I am finished my 9-5 my second job starts in a few hours thats my 9-12(when the day time minutes start.) In this process I have learned soemthing about myself. And I guess it was never that I wanted a relationship after all it was more that I wanted attention. I wanted that phone to be ringing. (Oh shit done found another flaw.) I fell kind of like I did when I was 22 and hitting up brooklyn cafe every weekend. But why at 28 revert to that time period. Back then I was just entering the scene and I was fresh meat . I would go out every friday and drink like a fish and be drunk as hell. And I was collecting numbers and dating like a fool . It was the first time in my life that I got that attention from anyone. Please let us revisit my past. I was always a fat kid , A fat kid who grew up to be a fat teenager, who grew up to be a fat young adult. I did not enter the scene until I lost massive amounts of weight and that attention I lived for it.

Why have I felt like shit for the past few years, well I wasnt drinking like a fool I wasnt seeing the lifestyle through Hennessey/vodka goggles. Through Vodka goggles the lifestyle looks soo much fun. For the past three years I was feeling it real. I was meeting dudes doing things or not doing things and being dicarded, or disrespected. I guess the stage I am at now is the anacrusis of being jaded. Its the reversion to the old me, the attention starved me . The me who is at this current moment talking to 12 guys. Is that cute, well not really but I was thinking quantity over quality and then maybe some one of quality would come along. Well I guess out of those 12, 5 or 6 of them are quality but am I quality in the process. I have become the man I dislike when I meet some one . I have become hard to reach, inconsistent and a big challenge. Which becomes the thing that keeps them coming after you hmmmm. Its all a game and now I realise why I couldnt get certain dudes and why I wanted them so much, it was all about the chase.

Afew days ago I had one night stand. and I knew it was a one night stand because of how it felt . I met dude at the club we went to his house and did the damn thing . Now that happened under the drunken haze. The real me would never do that. Did I feel cheap afterward ,no. Did I feel discarded afterward, no. Did I even care afterward, no. The anacrusis of being jaded , not giving a fuck. This is not the person I want to be.

I guess India arie said it the best I need to slow down I am really moving to fast. Im covering up and trying to heal the wound of being hurt in the past three years by so many dudes and in some ways I am becoming them. So they who I came to with open heart and mind who got shitted on, now has people coming to me with open heart and mind who I romance from a distance and keep around for my own needs. They give me the attention I want but what am I giving them.

I'm taking a break from drinking and clubbing , no for real . I need to get my mind right, I do not need to become a heartbreaker or the reason some one else becomes jaded.

Im going to slow down.