Oh my God I spend so much time alone. I mean not that I want anyone to feel sorry for me,but damn I spend so much time alone. Sometimes even when I am with people I am alone. What's the black gay man's biggest fear "being alone." What's the almost 30 black gay mans biggest reality "he is alone ."
In hindsight maybe he was the guy for me. Like maybe the fact that he spent the night on our first date wasn't an issue. Well that's not an issue maybe an issue was he came packed to spend the night on our first date. And another issue was, I said "ok" after not ever meeting him. But then again I saw all I needed to see online. Almost every tasteful nook and cranny and we talked a few weeks so I guess it doesn't seem as odd. But was it that feeling he gave off, that thirst that some of us damn near 30 gay men have. That thirst to be loved. That feeling of shit it aint getting no better I need to get me this man I aint getting younger. Shit he was probably tired of being alone . I know I was.
He like I had a great job.
He like I was good looking.
He like I would have made a woman an excillent husband any day nder different circumstances.
He like I was alone almost 30 and had been through it.
So we slept together he felt good to sleep with. Or was it just that it had been so long since some one had slept in my bed that it was nice. In the mornig we showered got dressed and went to work. He called, I called, he stopped calling and left the ball in my court. I never learned to dribble so I dropped the ball. He gave me a few jaded text and messages online. I saw him at the club the other night he looked so happy to see me I wanted to tell him sorry but my pride would never allow me to admit it.
I wanted to say sorry I led you on.
Sorry I got turned off because you made it to easy for me.
Sorry I went back to the youngins.
I wanted to say sorry come spend another night and lets free our "over the hill" asses from this loneliness.
Instead I said nothing I drank some more felt fabulous picked my head up and stood on my pillar of artificial self esteem.
I left the club alone.
I went home alone.
I woke up alone.
Alone
2 comments:
Look, you an' got so caught up in dem lil' bois, that you can't hang with REAL dawgs, lol. But I think ole dude was just being really open w/ you, allowing you access to what you could have with him. Its clear he's not for games, nor shame. Work it out.
I think So Fa Real said it best - Sometimes the hardest words to say are, "I'm Sorry."
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