Hmmm
So I read that post again. I read , I thought about it played it out again in my head and I thought wow what a waste of time that was . I mean the post is true to its self and what I was going through at the moment. But how amazing life would be if I didn't put myself through half the shit others put me through. GI put me through enough did I need to waste days mulling over it putting myself through it three times as worse. Anyhow just working on me.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Fool of me
"I remember when you filled my heart with joy
Was I blind to the truth just there to fill the space
Cause now you have no interest in anything I have to say
And I have allowed you to make me feel dumb
What kind of fool am I that you so easily set me aside
You made a fool of me
Tell me why
You say that you dont care but we made love
Tell me why
You made a fool of me you made a fool of me
I want to kiss you
Does she want you with the pain that I do
I smell you in my dreams
But now when were face to face you wont look me in the eye
No time no friendship no love
Dont say dont touch you I cant touch you no more
Cant touch you any more any more
I dont touch you anymore You made a fool of me
Tell me why
You say that you dont care but we made love
Tell me why
You made a fool of me you made a fool of me"
Fool Of Me by Meshell N'degeocello
So I sat on the bus on the way back to New York and I did what I always do when my feelings are hurt. I put on my ipod selected Meshell and started up the "Bitter"cd. This is probably the #1 break up CD I know. Everytime I am hurt by some one I listen to this CD. So the intro started to the first song and once I heard those strings I knew it was going to be a long ride home. It wasn't even a minute and a half in before the tears started falling. Big Brotha Jesus was looking out for me on this bus because every seat was taken except the one next to me so I took off my shoes pulled up my feet and had a cry.
Well that was actually the second cry that day. Sometimes I feel like a phony I walk through life with this tough ass exterior only hiding the reality that I am just as sensitive now as I ever was. Oh god Meshell was taking me through it. Now my heart breaks of course aren't as intence as what she feels on this cd but as small as they are and as short as the connections are they still deal a blow to my heart and my self esteem.
I arrived in DC on a friday with this sence of excitement and caution. Finally I would get a chance to chill with him, we will call him G.I. for short because he is a military man . GI and I met during memorial day weeekend when I went down to DC for black gay pride. Now truth be told DC is no longer where people really go for memorial day weekend but it was cheap for me because I have freinds who live there so it was all good. GI and I met at a club the second night I was in DC. We talked on the phone and the next day after the club I went over to his house and we had great spontaneous sex. It was delicious. Since then I kept in contact with him. After a few cancelations on his behalf and mine I finally made it to DC.
We had been talking on the phone on almost a dailly basis. I had kind of gotten to really know GI and felt like wow what is this . While on one hand I knew I didn't want a long distance relationship I still let it go on because hey I liked the dude. I often asked myself what was the purpose and what would come of this but I figured why not play with it and keep it going.
So he meets me at the bus stop and picks me up. Everything is cool. First thing we do is go back to his place and chill till dinner time. At dinner time we meet up with some friends of his and we eat and talk . At first I was a little uncomfortable but I warmed up after a while. Later on that night we end up club hoping. Hmmmm, red flag, why would I go to the club with some one I was trying to holla at . But I was like whatever, we get home from the club and of course I try to put on my moves, to which he turns me down and goes to sleep. Wow, that has never happened to me before . The next day we discussed it and he spoke of how tired he was. By this point I was kind of over him and preparing myself for the worse and calling up my friends who I had ditched in DC for the weekend to make sure if I needed an emergency pick up it would be avaialble. So I had three friends on stand by.
GI turned out pretty much not to be what I expected and he did a pretty good job of making me feel not wanted. He did a good job of making me confused. He did a good job of controlling the whole weekend and situation. If he wanted to kiss we kissed. If he wanted to cuddle we cuddled. If he wanted to have sex we had sex but we didnt ( we didn't have sex the whole weekend .) I know that it is written somewhere in the gay bylaws that if you travel a good distance to see some one they have to give you sex. So the whole weekend ended with me feeling dumped even though that may not have been the case. He said he liked me, we kissed cuddled and talked but I still felt extremely rejected. There was also the factor that he worked both days while I was in town which left me trapped in his apartment starving.
The last I saw of him was when he rushed me out of his apartment because he had to head back to work for some unexpected overtime. I sat on the side walk in the hot ass sun eating a cheese burger and fries out of a paper bag feeling lower then low. That was when I cried the first time. I felt like no matter what his feeligs were he made a fool of me. All the time wasted for what. I mean, why invite me if you aren't going to have time for me. And also why take me out clubbin. It was all a waste of time and no ass on top of that. I got the whole "you are the type of guy you keep around not the type you fuck and leave "speech to which I wanted to scream "tell that to my throbbing dick he's not trying to hear that."
So now what.....
It's 4 days later, is he expecting me to call. Do I call. Was I rejected. Did I Carry Bradshaw this one (over annalyze).
Was I blind to the truth just there to fill the space
Cause now you have no interest in anything I have to say
And I have allowed you to make me feel dumb
What kind of fool am I that you so easily set me aside
You made a fool of me
Tell me why
You say that you dont care but we made love
Tell me why
You made a fool of me you made a fool of me
I want to kiss you
Does she want you with the pain that I do
I smell you in my dreams
But now when were face to face you wont look me in the eye
No time no friendship no love
Dont say dont touch you I cant touch you no more
Cant touch you any more any more
I dont touch you anymore You made a fool of me
Tell me why
You say that you dont care but we made love
Tell me why
You made a fool of me you made a fool of me"
Fool Of Me by Meshell N'degeocello
So I sat on the bus on the way back to New York and I did what I always do when my feelings are hurt. I put on my ipod selected Meshell and started up the "Bitter"cd. This is probably the #1 break up CD I know. Everytime I am hurt by some one I listen to this CD. So the intro started to the first song and once I heard those strings I knew it was going to be a long ride home. It wasn't even a minute and a half in before the tears started falling. Big Brotha Jesus was looking out for me on this bus because every seat was taken except the one next to me so I took off my shoes pulled up my feet and had a cry.
Well that was actually the second cry that day. Sometimes I feel like a phony I walk through life with this tough ass exterior only hiding the reality that I am just as sensitive now as I ever was. Oh god Meshell was taking me through it. Now my heart breaks of course aren't as intence as what she feels on this cd but as small as they are and as short as the connections are they still deal a blow to my heart and my self esteem.
I arrived in DC on a friday with this sence of excitement and caution. Finally I would get a chance to chill with him, we will call him G.I. for short because he is a military man . GI and I met during memorial day weeekend when I went down to DC for black gay pride. Now truth be told DC is no longer where people really go for memorial day weekend but it was cheap for me because I have freinds who live there so it was all good. GI and I met at a club the second night I was in DC. We talked on the phone and the next day after the club I went over to his house and we had great spontaneous sex. It was delicious. Since then I kept in contact with him. After a few cancelations on his behalf and mine I finally made it to DC.
We had been talking on the phone on almost a dailly basis. I had kind of gotten to really know GI and felt like wow what is this . While on one hand I knew I didn't want a long distance relationship I still let it go on because hey I liked the dude. I often asked myself what was the purpose and what would come of this but I figured why not play with it and keep it going.
So he meets me at the bus stop and picks me up. Everything is cool. First thing we do is go back to his place and chill till dinner time. At dinner time we meet up with some friends of his and we eat and talk . At first I was a little uncomfortable but I warmed up after a while. Later on that night we end up club hoping. Hmmmm, red flag, why would I go to the club with some one I was trying to holla at . But I was like whatever, we get home from the club and of course I try to put on my moves, to which he turns me down and goes to sleep. Wow, that has never happened to me before . The next day we discussed it and he spoke of how tired he was. By this point I was kind of over him and preparing myself for the worse and calling up my friends who I had ditched in DC for the weekend to make sure if I needed an emergency pick up it would be avaialble. So I had three friends on stand by.
GI turned out pretty much not to be what I expected and he did a pretty good job of making me feel not wanted. He did a good job of making me confused. He did a good job of controlling the whole weekend and situation. If he wanted to kiss we kissed. If he wanted to cuddle we cuddled. If he wanted to have sex we had sex but we didnt ( we didn't have sex the whole weekend .) I know that it is written somewhere in the gay bylaws that if you travel a good distance to see some one they have to give you sex. So the whole weekend ended with me feeling dumped even though that may not have been the case. He said he liked me, we kissed cuddled and talked but I still felt extremely rejected. There was also the factor that he worked both days while I was in town which left me trapped in his apartment starving.
The last I saw of him was when he rushed me out of his apartment because he had to head back to work for some unexpected overtime. I sat on the side walk in the hot ass sun eating a cheese burger and fries out of a paper bag feeling lower then low. That was when I cried the first time. I felt like no matter what his feeligs were he made a fool of me. All the time wasted for what. I mean, why invite me if you aren't going to have time for me. And also why take me out clubbin. It was all a waste of time and no ass on top of that. I got the whole "you are the type of guy you keep around not the type you fuck and leave "speech to which I wanted to scream "tell that to my throbbing dick he's not trying to hear that."
So now what.....
It's 4 days later, is he expecting me to call. Do I call. Was I rejected. Did I Carry Bradshaw this one (over annalyze).
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Alone
Oh my God I spend so much time alone. I mean not that I want anyone to feel sorry for me,but damn I spend so much time alone. Sometimes even when I am with people I am alone. What's the black gay man's biggest fear "being alone." What's the almost 30 black gay mans biggest reality "he is alone ."
In hindsight maybe he was the guy for me. Like maybe the fact that he spent the night on our first date wasn't an issue. Well that's not an issue maybe an issue was he came packed to spend the night on our first date. And another issue was, I said "ok" after not ever meeting him. But then again I saw all I needed to see online. Almost every tasteful nook and cranny and we talked a few weeks so I guess it doesn't seem as odd. But was it that feeling he gave off, that thirst that some of us damn near 30 gay men have. That thirst to be loved. That feeling of shit it aint getting no better I need to get me this man I aint getting younger. Shit he was probably tired of being alone . I know I was.
He like I had a great job.
He like I was good looking.
He like I would have made a woman an excillent husband any day nder different circumstances.
He like I was alone almost 30 and had been through it.
So we slept together he felt good to sleep with. Or was it just that it had been so long since some one had slept in my bed that it was nice. In the mornig we showered got dressed and went to work. He called, I called, he stopped calling and left the ball in my court. I never learned to dribble so I dropped the ball. He gave me a few jaded text and messages online. I saw him at the club the other night he looked so happy to see me I wanted to tell him sorry but my pride would never allow me to admit it.
I wanted to say sorry I led you on.
Sorry I got turned off because you made it to easy for me.
Sorry I went back to the youngins.
I wanted to say sorry come spend another night and lets free our "over the hill" asses from this loneliness.
Instead I said nothing I drank some more felt fabulous picked my head up and stood on my pillar of artificial self esteem.
I left the club alone.
I went home alone.
I woke up alone.
Alone
In hindsight maybe he was the guy for me. Like maybe the fact that he spent the night on our first date wasn't an issue. Well that's not an issue maybe an issue was he came packed to spend the night on our first date. And another issue was, I said "ok" after not ever meeting him. But then again I saw all I needed to see online. Almost every tasteful nook and cranny and we talked a few weeks so I guess it doesn't seem as odd. But was it that feeling he gave off, that thirst that some of us damn near 30 gay men have. That thirst to be loved. That feeling of shit it aint getting no better I need to get me this man I aint getting younger. Shit he was probably tired of being alone . I know I was.
He like I had a great job.
He like I was good looking.
He like I would have made a woman an excillent husband any day nder different circumstances.
He like I was alone almost 30 and had been through it.
So we slept together he felt good to sleep with. Or was it just that it had been so long since some one had slept in my bed that it was nice. In the mornig we showered got dressed and went to work. He called, I called, he stopped calling and left the ball in my court. I never learned to dribble so I dropped the ball. He gave me a few jaded text and messages online. I saw him at the club the other night he looked so happy to see me I wanted to tell him sorry but my pride would never allow me to admit it.
I wanted to say sorry I led you on.
Sorry I got turned off because you made it to easy for me.
Sorry I went back to the youngins.
I wanted to say sorry come spend another night and lets free our "over the hill" asses from this loneliness.
Instead I said nothing I drank some more felt fabulous picked my head up and stood on my pillar of artificial self esteem.
I left the club alone.
I went home alone.
I woke up alone.
Alone
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