Damn I am tired of faking the funk
And I really do believe in the laws of attraction. How can I attract realness and authenticity to myself when I dont keep it real or authentic.At the end of the day a lie is a lie and being dishonest is being dishonest.
What brings this all to the surface, well im tired of trying to play it in the straight world. I have flaked on my homegirl two weeks in the row because I can't find a way to tell her I really do not want to go to straight clubs with her on the regular like we do sometimes. She is not as interested in rolling with me to a gay club. When I go to a straight club I feel like I am taken back to when I was in college and I was at those clubs and parties. The work straight men have to go through at a club for even the most broke down bitch is rediculous. I mean all these heffers be acting crazy. Plus I only prefer to do black clubs because to be honest the sisters know how to admire a nubian prince like myself. Any way I like to go to gay clubs I will admit. I like to dance with boys and I have fun feeling free to be and do me . I wish homegirl could understand. Gay only wouldnt be a bad idea. I mean there are some gay people who dont even have straight friends. Wow that is something that I could not imagine because most if not all of my friends are straight . And because of my field of work they are straight women. Those broads want to know way too much information and I'm tired of the lying and the double life living. It is very frustrating , if all my freinds were gay like other gay people do it wouldnt be an issue but I am way too outgoing to not get to know the peopel I am working around in any situation . The closer and closer I come to turning thirty I begin to understand people whose lives only revolve around the gay world.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Monday, April 16, 2007
It's wet in here
Well it rained like hell today and my apartment is very flooded and that basically helped my day to be pretty much a waste of time. I sat here and swept water out, talked to the landlord a million times and it was a useless day. Im tyring to use the laws of attraction to will me to have a great day tomorrow.
Also I spent alot of the day talking to my new friend. As a result of our blow up a few days ago I learned so much about him. I Like this man I must admit but damn we are too totally different people. He's good though but he is finally showing himself and damn he is a spoiled brat he likes it his way I keep wondering is that something I can deal with. The other issue is that he has expressed to me that I am the only one he is talking to and that is how he operates and again I operate a totally different way. And he stopped short of saying that if he knew I was dating others he would be hurt. And I basically said nothing. I am not really dating others but I am still leaving my options open and god forbid he found out I was on adam. But shit this is who I am and we arent in a relationship so I do not owe him certain information like this. This is a strange situation because I have never had to tell some one who I trully am. But then again I do not have to tell him yet and yes I do still have the urge to date other people but no one treats me the way he does..........
Also I spent alot of the day talking to my new friend. As a result of our blow up a few days ago I learned so much about him. I Like this man I must admit but damn we are too totally different people. He's good though but he is finally showing himself and damn he is a spoiled brat he likes it his way I keep wondering is that something I can deal with. The other issue is that he has expressed to me that I am the only one he is talking to and that is how he operates and again I operate a totally different way. And he stopped short of saying that if he knew I was dating others he would be hurt. And I basically said nothing. I am not really dating others but I am still leaving my options open and god forbid he found out I was on adam. But shit this is who I am and we arent in a relationship so I do not owe him certain information like this. This is a strange situation because I have never had to tell some one who I trully am. But then again I do not have to tell him yet and yes I do still have the urge to date other people but no one treats me the way he does..........
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
My Stomach is in knots
I dont know why but I am buggin right now
My vacation is officially over and its time to go back to work. I am prepared but I just don't feel like going. I am trying to feel good about it but its not working. Oh god give me the strength to make it through the next 2 and a half months.
Another Issue
Me and dude I was talking to got into a bit of an argument yesterday. Basically he wanted me to come over and I didn't want to, I wanted to do something else and he wasn't accepting no for an answer and I wasnt going to tell him yes. Well his feelings were hurt I ended up bulshitting the time away and now I am thinking did I do the wrong thing. I don't know if it was him that I wanted but I do know I am feeling sepreation anxiety over the whole situation. Damn why can't a motherfucker have his cake and eat it too everyone else does. I am so fucking selfish right now it is not even funny. Should I call should I wait it out. Should I let him go if I am not sure if that is what I want to do. Well it looks like I may not have the chance to make that decision because he seems to be letting me go (Well I'll be damned.)
I hope I can get some sleep tonight, it may be a tylenol pm night.
My vacation is officially over and its time to go back to work. I am prepared but I just don't feel like going. I am trying to feel good about it but its not working. Oh god give me the strength to make it through the next 2 and a half months.
Another Issue
Me and dude I was talking to got into a bit of an argument yesterday. Basically he wanted me to come over and I didn't want to, I wanted to do something else and he wasn't accepting no for an answer and I wasnt going to tell him yes. Well his feelings were hurt I ended up bulshitting the time away and now I am thinking did I do the wrong thing. I don't know if it was him that I wanted but I do know I am feeling sepreation anxiety over the whole situation. Damn why can't a motherfucker have his cake and eat it too everyone else does. I am so fucking selfish right now it is not even funny. Should I call should I wait it out. Should I let him go if I am not sure if that is what I want to do. Well it looks like I may not have the chance to make that decision because he seems to be letting me go (Well I'll be damned.)
I hope I can get some sleep tonight, it may be a tylenol pm night.
Im going to Throw it Back for a minute
So my 28th birthday was on saturday
In honor of my birthday my mom had me and my brother (my twin ) over for dinner. Everything was great. I am getting used to all of these extra people that are becoming a part of our family. Namely my older brothers girlfreind/baby mama, her son, my new nephew and my other brother's girlfreind. On past occassions these people all made me nervous and made me think I never have anyone to bring home. Anyhow a pivitol moment in the whole day for me was looking at old pictures. I hadnt seen some of these pictures before. One of the pictures that stood out to me most was one of myself standing on the sidewalk near my moms old apartment. The picture was taken probably a few months after I had first started my locs. At the time I was about 21 and that picture took me way back. All I could do is think of who I was and how I felt at that moment.
Who was I at 21. Well I was a good 50-60 pounds more then I weigh now and it really showed. I never thought that was what I looked like. Seeing that picture made me want to cry . At that time I was so closed in and really kept myself away from the world. There was really no life in me . I was shy, I was to myself and I had no life. And on top of all that I was gay . Not only was I feeling like an outcast in the straight world because of my sexuality but in the gay world I would have also been an outcast because of my weight. What an ax to bear. I had no desire to even explore the gay world because all I would hear was no fats, when I saw adds. I was so sad and depressed at that time and all that was written all over my face in that picture.
I have come a long way. I didn't enter the gay world until I lost weight and even after losing so much there was still more to go because I felt I had to fit a certain image. Eventhough I have never gained back the weight I first lost I still struggle with a good 20 pounds. I have just entered a space where I feel as though I am not going to stress over those 20 pounds. I am not fat any longer. And I am also not going to measure myself by a standard that is not too attainable for me. My genetic make up makes it hard for me to be rail thin and cut up like the rest of the gay community but I am who I am and I am still hot to death.
Being closer to 30 is hot to death, I am really beginning not to care what people have to say or think. It is really making since these days .
In honor of my birthday my mom had me and my brother (my twin ) over for dinner. Everything was great. I am getting used to all of these extra people that are becoming a part of our family. Namely my older brothers girlfreind/baby mama, her son, my new nephew and my other brother's girlfreind. On past occassions these people all made me nervous and made me think I never have anyone to bring home. Anyhow a pivitol moment in the whole day for me was looking at old pictures. I hadnt seen some of these pictures before. One of the pictures that stood out to me most was one of myself standing on the sidewalk near my moms old apartment. The picture was taken probably a few months after I had first started my locs. At the time I was about 21 and that picture took me way back. All I could do is think of who I was and how I felt at that moment.
Who was I at 21. Well I was a good 50-60 pounds more then I weigh now and it really showed. I never thought that was what I looked like. Seeing that picture made me want to cry . At that time I was so closed in and really kept myself away from the world. There was really no life in me . I was shy, I was to myself and I had no life. And on top of all that I was gay . Not only was I feeling like an outcast in the straight world because of my sexuality but in the gay world I would have also been an outcast because of my weight. What an ax to bear. I had no desire to even explore the gay world because all I would hear was no fats, when I saw adds. I was so sad and depressed at that time and all that was written all over my face in that picture.
I have come a long way. I didn't enter the gay world until I lost weight and even after losing so much there was still more to go because I felt I had to fit a certain image. Eventhough I have never gained back the weight I first lost I still struggle with a good 20 pounds. I have just entered a space where I feel as though I am not going to stress over those 20 pounds. I am not fat any longer. And I am also not going to measure myself by a standard that is not too attainable for me. My genetic make up makes it hard for me to be rail thin and cut up like the rest of the gay community but I am who I am and I am still hot to death.
Being closer to 30 is hot to death, I am really beginning not to care what people have to say or think. It is really making since these days .
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)