Angry black man syndrome is a term that my brother and I used to describe my stepfather . I swear he was the most complaining ass black man i ever met. and he constantly had that evil ass attitude. He was like a James Evans/samuel L Jackson on a 10. as a kid i really thought the man was insane and just a complacent mofo. Now while i still do think the same I can understand where that anger comes from
Im the past few months i can say that i have been more angry theni have been in the past few years. And its not just one of those i dont liek my job kind of agries. Its beyond just taking a nap and getting over it. it just a constant cycle of let downs. everyone is letting me down and nothing is working out. I have lost two freinds in the past 6 months and both of them I can say that i was so angry I them I wanted to hurt them. Me wanting to hurt people its just not me. But i am tired of being there for motherfuckers when they are going through there shit and them lossing it on me on some what have you done for me lately shit and in most cases i have done alot.
One of the freinds i lost was over some hes changing his life bullshit , when in relaity he has decided to pursue a more dl lifestyle and some how our friendship cant endure that. That made me sooo angry because i thought our friendship was deeper then that bull , but i guess its not so fuck him and the horse he rode in on (he is still fucking dudes so lets be real no difference between him and i , hell theres is difference i aint hardly fuckign no dudes i digresss)
The other freind i lost was on some money issue . Dude is fucking with my money thinking im rich and can be dicked around liek that and it is ok . he said some evil shit in the process and all i can think right now is I want to smash his ugly face in. damn his is the thanks i get for supporting his shows , and being their everytime his relationships crumble , and staying up on the phone talking to him, and lending him money , and just doing the shit friends do. Although i was pretty clear our friendship was coming to and end there is a certain song and dance to things that should happen. If that song and dance is turned in to a war of word s then you know exactly what you trully meant to that person nothing.
Motherfucker.
I cant believe im having such an A.B.S. (angry blackman syndrome) moment that I cant even
sleep
Next im being forced into financial ruins, bill collecters are fucking me raw dogg with no lube, vaseline, sticky nasty KY, nothing . I was standing on a corner in manhattan cursing out one of them today because he froze my back account after i had already made an agreement to pay things off .Thats just not me i dont speak in that manner but i was seeing red i wanted to wait for him after work and strangle him .
Motherfucker
I think my cable is going to be cut off , after all i payed the suns of bithces they cant wait for 2 more weeks. and half of me is saying cut the shit off , theres nothing to watch on there anyhow and i need to read more anyhow. cutt it off see if i care.
I wont even start on my whole job situation. im so angry about that place i have been having dreams that i have huge collosal arguments with my supervisor and they all end in me telling her to kiss my black ass
Im a good person why am i going through all of this.
And i cant even date anyone anymore because what used to be a wall is now like a fortress. I dont trust motherfuckers be cause of the last dude i was kicking it with who really took advantage of me . he caught me at a moment of weakness and for some reason it was hard for me to let him go, what i was bugging. another person i want to strangle.
Motherfucker
acid reflux WTF of all days why today
Acne WTF of all days why today ( i look like a friggin teenager)
Im such an angry black man,
this post looks like i need therapy ot jesus or something , hell maybe i will try both
I think im goign to go check out Creflo Dollar on saturday (that sounds like a plan )
I think i can go to bed now
(not editing this just letting it flow how i felt it)
Friday, July 28, 2006
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
The Gay Man's Survey
1. What is the first thing you notice about the same sex? gotta say a handsome clean cut face or a handsome scruffy face.
2. Which male celebrity would you want as a love slave? MOs Def , Common,
3. Gift card winner at work!...which store do you reach for?Urban outfitters, after i put a few dollars to it i can buy a shirt or something.
.4. Admit it, are you a size queen? No way
5. What store do you base your fashion sense on?
a mix of urban outfitters, canal jeans, american eagle outfitters and H&M
6. If you could improve gay pride, what would you improve?I would offer more daytime events (ie. street fare, pic-nic, pool parties etc.)that would be more inclusive to younger people. I would also show those younger people what the older people are doing because i have been to the daytime events and they fascinate me because they are decades ahead of me as far as loving and accepting themselves and having well rounded lives and families.
7. Have you marched in a gay pride parade?
nope not my style
8. Honestly, how many times do you go to the gym?
when im in that zone 3-4 times a week
9. Honestly, how many nights do you go out with the boys?
im assuming this is gay boys, i would say ono to two times a month.
10. How long was your last relationship?
3 long ass months
11. What would you do the moment gay marriage is approved by voters?
i dont know i know i wouldnt get married.
13. Where would you want to have your gay wedding?
in a nice quiet private place out side on a cliff facing the water.
14. Who do you want to be there?
My immidiate family and close and personal friends only , no pitty or political invites
15. What kind of food/ who would cater your gay wedding ?
Soul food ofcourse and maybe some indian food thrown in there.
16. Who is your diva?Jill Scott hands down, and Diana Rss if you want to go classic on me.
17. Which type of gay man do you avoid?Evil bitches, and girly adolescent acting dudes . also dudes who are about only clothes and fashion and have nothing else to contribute to the world.
18. What qualities do you look for in a man?
Inteligence, good looks , masculinity , cultured and knows how to stemulate my mind. some one whose conversation makes me feel tingly
19. What exotic gay locale would you travel to?Brazil
20.what s ong are you tired of hearing?
well i dont have one now but a few months ago it was "i might as well have cheated on you" by keshia Cole, i remember screaming at the Tv/Radio "then go ahead and cheat Bitch and stop whining about it damn"
21. Which club/bar in your gay neighborhood do you wish would just close down because its so tired?
Cant think of one , if they are kind of wack i wont go. i wouldnt even say that about chi chis because its always a good way to get a much needed self esteem boost.
22. Admit it, have you gone thru a vegetarian/vegan phase?
i havent and will not but i think vegans and vegiterians are hot .
23. Which restaurant/type of restaurant would you take a date?
any place where there is intimate seating where we can talk freely and gaze into each others eyes if we feel we should ( damn whatever happened to those days , oh yeah thats right i limit the eye contact these days)
24. How much can you bench?
depends on when was the last time i been to the gym
25. What one part of the male anatomy always get your attention?
a nice ass
.
26. Whole Foods or Bristol Farms? Whole Foods, there is mad eye candy in there , i dont even know what bristol farms is .
27. Do you donate clothes you dont use anymore?
uhhhhh i need to
28. What do you think of Paris Hilton's new singing career?
I dont liek that racist heffa
29. Did you know Godiva Chocolates contain preservatives?
I'm more of a snickers guy.
30. What would you rather watch, hot boys laying out, hot boys playing volleyball or hot boys washing cars?
Playing basketball
31. Do you go return to work late from your 10 minute break?
when i had a job where i could do that i did it all the time but not now.
32. Where do you want to have your dream house?
It would be right here in nyc, preferably in brooklyn or harlem
33. Whats your favorite cologne? Marc jacobs and burberry touch
34. Whats your favorite cologne on him?
Jean paul Gautier gets me opennnnnnnn.
35. Have you worn red to a gay day at an amusement park?
never heard of that
36. What are your favorite TV shows?
pretty much all the reality shows, my name is earl , everybody hates chris, the office, sienfeld re runs and martin
37. Admit it, which TV DVD collection do you own?Roots, and i will own Noah's Arc in a few days :)
39. Admit it, did you ever have a sugar daddy?
never , if old men didnt gross me out i'd consider it but probably my moral foundation would get in the way
40. What is the drink you always order at the club/bar?
Vodca and orange juice.
41. Finish the sentence...when I go to a house party, I avoid....having to stand in one place. i liek to be able to move around but usually i end up in that one place.
42. What embarassing moment are you constantly reminded of?
when i was in high school this guy who i liked that was nice to me but probably didnt get down, we did a show together and while changing backstage one of my nuts fell out of my boxer and i coulf feel the breaze and he was just looking at me like dude are you going to put your nut back in your boxer and i was almost frozen because i was so embarassed
43. What does your last text message say? some ass crack joke i was sending my home girl
44. Admit it, which fast food restaurant lures you each and every time?
all of them but wendys for some reason i think is more healthy then the rest
45. Your date just scored tickets...which singer/performer do you hope they are?
Jilly,
46. Admit it, do you lie about your age?
never , happy to still be alive and rocking out
47. What is your favorite sex position?not important who even still does sex these days lol
48. What movie, in theatres right now, would you take a date?
oh i dont know whats in the movies
49. What movie, in theatres now, would you NOT take a date?
same as 48
50. You're the tour guide...where would you take an out-of-towner who is unfamiliar with your city? harlem, times square, LES, the village and maybe downtown brooklyn.
2. Which male celebrity would you want as a love slave? MOs Def , Common,
3. Gift card winner at work!...which store do you reach for?Urban outfitters, after i put a few dollars to it i can buy a shirt or something.
.4. Admit it, are you a size queen? No way
5. What store do you base your fashion sense on?
a mix of urban outfitters, canal jeans, american eagle outfitters and H&M
6. If you could improve gay pride, what would you improve?I would offer more daytime events (ie. street fare, pic-nic, pool parties etc.)that would be more inclusive to younger people. I would also show those younger people what the older people are doing because i have been to the daytime events and they fascinate me because they are decades ahead of me as far as loving and accepting themselves and having well rounded lives and families.
7. Have you marched in a gay pride parade?
nope not my style
8. Honestly, how many times do you go to the gym?
when im in that zone 3-4 times a week
9. Honestly, how many nights do you go out with the boys?
im assuming this is gay boys, i would say ono to two times a month.
10. How long was your last relationship?
3 long ass months
11. What would you do the moment gay marriage is approved by voters?
i dont know i know i wouldnt get married.
13. Where would you want to have your gay wedding?
in a nice quiet private place out side on a cliff facing the water.
14. Who do you want to be there?
My immidiate family and close and personal friends only , no pitty or political invites
15. What kind of food/ who would cater your gay wedding ?
Soul food ofcourse and maybe some indian food thrown in there.
16. Who is your diva?Jill Scott hands down, and Diana Rss if you want to go classic on me.
17. Which type of gay man do you avoid?Evil bitches, and girly adolescent acting dudes . also dudes who are about only clothes and fashion and have nothing else to contribute to the world.
18. What qualities do you look for in a man?
Inteligence, good looks , masculinity , cultured and knows how to stemulate my mind. some one whose conversation makes me feel tingly
19. What exotic gay locale would you travel to?Brazil
20.what s ong are you tired of hearing?
well i dont have one now but a few months ago it was "i might as well have cheated on you" by keshia Cole, i remember screaming at the Tv/Radio "then go ahead and cheat Bitch and stop whining about it damn"
21. Which club/bar in your gay neighborhood do you wish would just close down because its so tired?
Cant think of one , if they are kind of wack i wont go. i wouldnt even say that about chi chis because its always a good way to get a much needed self esteem boost.
22. Admit it, have you gone thru a vegetarian/vegan phase?
i havent and will not but i think vegans and vegiterians are hot .
23. Which restaurant/type of restaurant would you take a date?
any place where there is intimate seating where we can talk freely and gaze into each others eyes if we feel we should ( damn whatever happened to those days , oh yeah thats right i limit the eye contact these days)
24. How much can you bench?
depends on when was the last time i been to the gym
25. What one part of the male anatomy always get your attention?
a nice ass
.
26. Whole Foods or Bristol Farms? Whole Foods, there is mad eye candy in there , i dont even know what bristol farms is .
27. Do you donate clothes you dont use anymore?
uhhhhh i need to
28. What do you think of Paris Hilton's new singing career?
I dont liek that racist heffa
29. Did you know Godiva Chocolates contain preservatives?
I'm more of a snickers guy.
30. What would you rather watch, hot boys laying out, hot boys playing volleyball or hot boys washing cars?
Playing basketball
31. Do you go return to work late from your 10 minute break?
when i had a job where i could do that i did it all the time but not now.
32. Where do you want to have your dream house?
It would be right here in nyc, preferably in brooklyn or harlem
33. Whats your favorite cologne? Marc jacobs and burberry touch
34. Whats your favorite cologne on him?
Jean paul Gautier gets me opennnnnnnn.
35. Have you worn red to a gay day at an amusement park?
never heard of that
36. What are your favorite TV shows?
pretty much all the reality shows, my name is earl , everybody hates chris, the office, sienfeld re runs and martin
37. Admit it, which TV DVD collection do you own?Roots, and i will own Noah's Arc in a few days :)
39. Admit it, did you ever have a sugar daddy?
never , if old men didnt gross me out i'd consider it but probably my moral foundation would get in the way
40. What is the drink you always order at the club/bar?
Vodca and orange juice.
41. Finish the sentence...when I go to a house party, I avoid....having to stand in one place. i liek to be able to move around but usually i end up in that one place.
42. What embarassing moment are you constantly reminded of?
when i was in high school this guy who i liked that was nice to me but probably didnt get down, we did a show together and while changing backstage one of my nuts fell out of my boxer and i coulf feel the breaze and he was just looking at me like dude are you going to put your nut back in your boxer and i was almost frozen because i was so embarassed
43. What does your last text message say? some ass crack joke i was sending my home girl
44. Admit it, which fast food restaurant lures you each and every time?
all of them but wendys for some reason i think is more healthy then the rest
45. Your date just scored tickets...which singer/performer do you hope they are?
Jilly,
46. Admit it, do you lie about your age?
never , happy to still be alive and rocking out
47. What is your favorite sex position?not important who even still does sex these days lol
48. What movie, in theatres right now, would you take a date?
oh i dont know whats in the movies
49. What movie, in theatres now, would you NOT take a date?
same as 48
50. You're the tour guide...where would you take an out-of-towner who is unfamiliar with your city? harlem, times square, LES, the village and maybe downtown brooklyn.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Klein Sexual Orientation Grid
I scored an average of 3.57
| 0 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
| Heterosexual | Bisexual | Homosexual |
Meaning
This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but morethan incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentallyheterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual
Summary
The idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.Take the quiz
Saturday, July 01, 2006
20 by the 30th
Aw damn what a crazy past few months it has been . And as a result I spiralled out of control. Recently my grandmother passed ( It's been a few months and I still cant believe it, so funny how we take so many things for granted , we think people will always be around . Wish I spent more time with her and I'm owning that statement, finally. Its rare that we have people in this world that are trully down for us and she was one person that was really down for me .)
The next issue was work. I was doing two jobs and all trying to make these ends meet and go to the gym and do it all . I couldnt hang , I fell off I was so tired and worn out I couldn't beleive it . Shit I'm superman I can do it all well i guess that isn't so . Social life started to become friday nights of passing out on the couch and not waking up till the next morning.
Then somewhere along the way I met this dude who basically challenged everything I beleived in , well basically he tried to control a control freak (or better yet take a little control from a controlfreak , for the record im not about controlling other people just me i control every aspect). I guess lonliness will lead you to do some crazy things. For some reason I couldn't get myself loose of him. It was all that attention maybe but at the end of the day my guard was so up around him and it began to feel like a chore to chill with him . Finally just recently i was able to tell him i can't fuck with him on that level. Im trying to be his freind now but i think at 27 i have all the friends I will have for life. Every time I try to make a new friend i think of all the people who are my friends currently and how much better it would be to be chilling with them then the new applicants ( could just be the applicants are whack though and to be honest the gay freind base is dry.) He seems like he will be a freind I can only take in small doses and I dont think I need another one of those. How genuine is a freindship when i am basically saying the person annoys the hell out of me.
Anyhow all these things considered and I ended up in another depression. This is the first time I was depressed in the spring. I was just feeling rejected. Along with the fact that i have become the king of the single life. I can honestly admit that I no longer even know how to date. That's my new defense mechanism . If they call ok if they dont ok too and I refuse to let him know I think hes cute. Hell I've even gotten to the point where I dont even call. A person can take but so much i guess . As i sit here on my three year anniversarry of being single im starting to ask myself the same questions other ask me "why are you single?" which to me is the same question as "whats wrong with you?" shit i dont know but i do know that the vibe i am putting out isn't helping it much.
Well i think this is a summer for transformations . I get every summer off and in the past my summer revolved around getting drunk having fun and figurring which dude i was trying to holla at . but this summer i want to be about me and me only .
I will start by taking off 20 pounds. I am a weight struggler. In the str8 world i am just fine. hell im a size 34 and i wear mediums and all that but in the gay world i'm a little thick. Well in the gay world if you dont have a six pack you are fat. Adhereing to these kinds of standards alone is kind of like selling out to me but at the end of the day I do think I could have a leaner look and losing weight is not that hard for me I have done it many times before ( hmmmmm writing that statement helps me realize thats a problem) anyhow I got some fly jeans I need to fit into with mad comfort and a few t shirts that show off the pecks and shit to put on. so my goal is to lose 20 pounds by august 30th which will be a challenge but im determined. Being that im not working or stressing myself I should be fine. this amount will take me into that zone that I have gotten to before where I usually stop but I want to keep on going . Ofcourse I will be in the gym also because the goal is not to be ' gay ' skinny but 'gay' phsycally fit.
Besides that the transformation is about getting back into the things I like and stopping this search for something or some one to make the wheels turn and inspire creativity I need to inspire myself and get out there and see the world like i used to.
I'll be blogging my progress as much as possible maybe some one will read this shit maybe not but its about me getting these thoughts out.
The next issue was work. I was doing two jobs and all trying to make these ends meet and go to the gym and do it all . I couldnt hang , I fell off I was so tired and worn out I couldn't beleive it . Shit I'm superman I can do it all well i guess that isn't so . Social life started to become friday nights of passing out on the couch and not waking up till the next morning.
Then somewhere along the way I met this dude who basically challenged everything I beleived in , well basically he tried to control a control freak (or better yet take a little control from a controlfreak , for the record im not about controlling other people just me i control every aspect). I guess lonliness will lead you to do some crazy things. For some reason I couldn't get myself loose of him. It was all that attention maybe but at the end of the day my guard was so up around him and it began to feel like a chore to chill with him . Finally just recently i was able to tell him i can't fuck with him on that level. Im trying to be his freind now but i think at 27 i have all the friends I will have for life. Every time I try to make a new friend i think of all the people who are my friends currently and how much better it would be to be chilling with them then the new applicants ( could just be the applicants are whack though and to be honest the gay freind base is dry.) He seems like he will be a freind I can only take in small doses and I dont think I need another one of those. How genuine is a freindship when i am basically saying the person annoys the hell out of me.
Anyhow all these things considered and I ended up in another depression. This is the first time I was depressed in the spring. I was just feeling rejected. Along with the fact that i have become the king of the single life. I can honestly admit that I no longer even know how to date. That's my new defense mechanism . If they call ok if they dont ok too and I refuse to let him know I think hes cute. Hell I've even gotten to the point where I dont even call. A person can take but so much i guess . As i sit here on my three year anniversarry of being single im starting to ask myself the same questions other ask me "why are you single?" which to me is the same question as "whats wrong with you?" shit i dont know but i do know that the vibe i am putting out isn't helping it much.
Well i think this is a summer for transformations . I get every summer off and in the past my summer revolved around getting drunk having fun and figurring which dude i was trying to holla at . but this summer i want to be about me and me only .
I will start by taking off 20 pounds. I am a weight struggler. In the str8 world i am just fine. hell im a size 34 and i wear mediums and all that but in the gay world i'm a little thick. Well in the gay world if you dont have a six pack you are fat. Adhereing to these kinds of standards alone is kind of like selling out to me but at the end of the day I do think I could have a leaner look and losing weight is not that hard for me I have done it many times before ( hmmmmm writing that statement helps me realize thats a problem) anyhow I got some fly jeans I need to fit into with mad comfort and a few t shirts that show off the pecks and shit to put on. so my goal is to lose 20 pounds by august 30th which will be a challenge but im determined. Being that im not working or stressing myself I should be fine. this amount will take me into that zone that I have gotten to before where I usually stop but I want to keep on going . Ofcourse I will be in the gym also because the goal is not to be ' gay ' skinny but 'gay' phsycally fit.
Besides that the transformation is about getting back into the things I like and stopping this search for something or some one to make the wheels turn and inspire creativity I need to inspire myself and get out there and see the world like i used to.
I'll be blogging my progress as much as possible maybe some one will read this shit maybe not but its about me getting these thoughts out.
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