Who is a real friend

for the record i have been in the life for 4 years (damn my 4 year anniversary came and went , i forgot about it ) i think in this blog i will talk about alot of my experiences.
today im going to talk about who is a real friend in this lifestyle
an incident comes to mind that happened about a 8 months ago
their was a guy i was kicking it with in the summer of 2004, well let me be real not kicking it it was more like i wanted to kick it and he wanted to fuck around. Not that im a ho but there are some people i will come at like a slut ( and if i had to take a vote people like the slut more the other side no one really cares about ) and some people i will hold off on to get to know because i want more and he was one of those people. the funny part is i think i was more of the type of person he'd want to jump off with.any how me and dude kicked it two times in one day on our first date , he took me to a cook out with his freinds then called me up to go spend the night with him at a freinds house he was sitting for . i let that convince me that he had some sort of interest in me. anyhow i will remember durring the fooling around i stopped things when they were getting to far because i didnt see why we should go there.
Two things were done by him durring that night that should have clued me into where this was going
1) he said we will make good friends ( i ignored that)
2) he didnt kiss me before we parted ( i beleive that if you do not get that kiss before you walk out the door after doing god knows what the night before the person doesnt like you , or they may like you but your just a jump off and its not that serious)
any way all things considered i thought that i had met some one who was about something and not like he rest of the trash in the club( a good lesson learned the trash at the club can morph themselves into different personalities in order to lure you inn on occassion not that he was trash but it is something i have experienced with others before). so i kept the communication going ( oh yeah when you call some one all the time and they dont call you , that means they dont liek you). even though he never called me i thought to myself well he doesnt send me to voicemail and we always have a discussion. plus i think personality wise my representative was taking over (I have to think of a name for him) and my representative is nothing liek me , hes very mild mannered and passive and quiet and for awhile he has been very dead. its just sometimes when i meet some one i really like i dont want to show them the real deal in fear they will walk out because to be honest i can be one wild and crazy cussing mofo but i am crazy fun and soemtimes i think thats part of the reason my real freinds like me because im always living my life liek its golden.
anyhow i digress
i stopped calling dude but we saw each other around alot at clubs and what have you
and he would always give the stop and chat and the fake ass hug like we was cool like that . this i think is so unnecessary and i dont understand the phoniness that goes on .anyway one night in a drunkin mode i snubbed dude
fast forward to now he became a freind of one of my friends , you know that always happens , the circle is way too small. my friend for some reason thought we might know each other and asked me if i knew him i said yes and then he asked dude if he knew me and he tried to act like he didnt. after he gave in and said he knew me he went on to bad mouth me and talk about how shady i was, here where the real friend comes in . my freind preceeded to tell him off and discontinue communication . even after that they saw one another and my friend called him on the fake ass behavior that he does which is soemthing i doubt i would do but i though it was fly that he would do such a thing
now one may wonder why this stands out to me . mainly because i think friendships in this lifestyle are mainly fake i have people who consider themselves to be my best freinds and they still have conversations with several people who talk shit about me. they will call me up and say xyz person said xyz about you and i think to myself hmmm i dont think i would have let that go to far but considering you did i will put that in my memory file and keep the pending stamp on your friendship application.

Rumors

This is my first blog an i should introduce myself but i figure i will do that at some other time
but today i want to talk about rumors
well before i even begin all i can think of is this song by a gospel group thati dont know of but i have them on my ipod and the song brings tears to my eyes eventhough im technically not a christian and there is a line in it that goes " i pray for you you pray for me i love you i need you to survive, i wont harm you with words from my mouth i love you i need you to survive"
do we really need each other to survive , hell yeah we do . and that line makes me think about how much people have hurt me with words from thier mouths and i am sure that i have done the same.
so the matter at hand
I am by day a nyc public school teacher . joined the profession in the beginning because i wanted to do some meaningful work with my day times and it leaves me ample time to pursue my musical career. well in the few years i have been teaching it basically consumes all my time and my musical career is a distant memory. when everi do write a song im surprised i still remember how to do that. the job though has always been difficult to me i wonder why. an artist friend once told me that i will continue to have difficulty in all of these things i pursue outside of my purpose until i begin to pursue what is my purpose.
anyhow in this environment i am somewhat of a celebrity (if we can call it that). so along with celebrity status comes the rumor mill
the latest rumours are two rumors that contradict one another. rumour one that i want to marry a coworker and rumour two that i am gay , shocking well both are. once again some one has harmed me with words from their mouth
their is such a crime in being different and i have been paying the price for that crime since day one.
im not marrying homegirl although i love her to death and she means alot to me
am i gay well i would definenetly never call myself that..... I am a black man i really dont identify with that term
not that i would have to explain myself
maybe im bi who knows i have never really sat back to think about as much i just do me and spread love and give love when need be and beleive that love has no titleor gender(hmm that sounds kinda gay ) whatever all i know is that im not confused and the least you make it an issue in your life then it becomes not an issue , maybe thats why i feel offended by the whole thing
in my own personal opinion the whole gay thing is seen in the str8 world as oh hes gay and all they can see is a dick going up your ass. so i guess thats why it offends me because thats not my reality. any how freinds have been dispelling the rumour and strrangely enough it doesnt hurt me as much as it would have in the past but it does sting to know that people who i have not harmed with words from my mouth have no problem harming me just to get a glimpse inside my life ....