These three things have been going on in my life lately. And i look at them so differently I think what do these major events look like in a gay man's life
Weddings
Hmmm a coworker of mine just got married a few months ago and i attended the wedding. It something about married folks i just cant relate to. Hell i have hardly even been in a long term relationship before. But I must admit Weddings kind of make me sad. I think will there ever be a time in my life when i can express my love in such a manner . In a way that every one is happy for me and everyone is happy for me every one that I care about.
New Babys
My brother is about to be a father again and this weekend that past I found myself at his baby shower. Boy did I feel out of my element. That sheer joy he had to be bringing this new life in the world looked great. I can't wait to see what my new nephew will look like. But will always being an uncle work for me. But on one hand there was some eye candy at the baby shower I was trying to watch my brother's friend all night he was chocolate sexy. yummy with those pants hanging way low I was trying to get a glimpse of his boxers but it wasn't happening.
Funerals
I heard a comedienne talk about how no one cares when a single person dies. And he had some rationale. Single people dont leave behind children or a distraught spouse. Your mother will cry but pretty much the world will pick up where it left off with out youwith alot less damage then when a family man dies. What about when a single gay man dies........
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Monday, January 29, 2007
Who is mike
Well I'm not sad to say this but this weekend was interesting. I went out and partied friday and saturday. I guess the most interesting part was I hooked up, yes again but it has been two weeks since the last time (I had to let my dick breathe for a minute) I guess in some aspect I have given up on my previous notion that I will wait and keep my life clean of jumping off in a means of only allowing potential suitors in my life. Well reality check its not happening. Anyhow the liquor turns me into a rockstar. And that rockstar side feels sexy and just does it up on some crazy shit. So I did hook up with a dude, a latin dude and damn was it hot . We didnt have sex because face it I dont do that but what we did do was hot . Not sure if I even came all I remember was waking up with him sleep on top of me. And I kept waking up and looking at his back and Mike was tatoed on it and all I could think was why the hell would some one tatoo mike on their back and I kept thinking im going to ask him who Mike is when we wake up. Well low and be hold it's a good thing that I didn't ask because he used my phone to check his messages and when I looked to see where he dialed...... he was Mike. Boy oh boy did I feel like ___________(fill in the blank).
Monday, January 15, 2007
Jump off rule #1 (I wrote this on the train.)
The occassional hook up. Hmm do people realize that there are actual rules. I mean I think I am a great catch but right now nothing is really throwing it's bait to me so I figure whats wrong with jumping off every now and then. I mean why even be in the lifestyle if you can not afford yourself that luxury. I mean to me jumping off is just some straight up let me get this shit out of my system right quick so I can go on with my day(for the record I don't have sex it's more like messing around.) As a result of the negative connotation involved I almost never do it but sometimes a brother needs to get off (sidebar: this boy sitting across from me is so hot he is nibbling on home girls neck yummy, I'm going to stop for a sec so I can admire.)( I'm back damn I could use some chocolate like that in my life but too young, that's I D checking young, shit I digress, I'm always getting distracted)
Jumping off yeah it amazes me the person I become after the climax. Sometimes I wish there was an eject button on my bed and in the middle cumming I could press it so when my senses return they are no longer there. Any how they never leave thats why I dont do it as much. Don't people realise when they stay to watch a t.v. show and get all comfortable they are breaking jump off rule #1 ( start puting on your clothes and shoes and hat and coat when its over. Don't get all relaxed I don't know you like that you are making me uncomfortable.) If I wanted to talk and get to know you we would have gone out to dinner or some corny shit like that.(damn this is a whorish sounding blog.) (I will get back to watching sexual chocolate over here, wow he is wearing yellow gold thats very brazen.)
Jumping off yeah it amazes me the person I become after the climax. Sometimes I wish there was an eject button on my bed and in the middle cumming I could press it so when my senses return they are no longer there. Any how they never leave thats why I dont do it as much. Don't people realise when they stay to watch a t.v. show and get all comfortable they are breaking jump off rule #1 ( start puting on your clothes and shoes and hat and coat when its over. Don't get all relaxed I don't know you like that you are making me uncomfortable.) If I wanted to talk and get to know you we would have gone out to dinner or some corny shit like that.(damn this is a whorish sounding blog.) (I will get back to watching sexual chocolate over here, wow he is wearing yellow gold thats very brazen.)
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Oh Damn that was a good weekend
Wow it is already 2 weeks into 2007
And I keep on thinking back to the last weeknd of 06. I had so much fun . It was one of those weekends of clubbing. I went out to several clubs with my boy from detroit that was visiting and boy did we have fun. I am not sure that he had as much fun as I did but for a minute I was starting to feel like the old me.
Off and on I keep on reencountering the old me. The me that weighed a good 10 -20 more pounds then I do now, that would walk up to the flyest guy in a club and say whats up. Not only would I say whats up but I would dance with him and get his number. Those were the days when I wasflavor of the moment.
What took me out of flavor of the moment staus , millions of things. Mainly getting my feelings hurt. I could think back to the first few guys who hurt my feelings and damn that shit still stings today. I rememebr the one dude I used to call every single day at 9:01 and he never had time to chill and but always was up for some convo.Damn was he sexy, he had bad breathe but I let that slide. Any how when I relaized I was calling him all the time I decided to let him call me and well what happened next is he never called. And I was crushed. A month later I decided to go call him back and he gave a story about moving to connecticut. Maybe he really did maybe he didnt but how hard would it have been for him to tell me he just wasn't interested. well that put up a few bricks.
Then I met my ex a few months after that and he killed all thoughts of that dude but he to hurt my feelings when he made it very clear I wasnt worth his time. Or better yet I wasn't worth him putting some time into . Well that was some bricks and cement.
Then there was the dude I dated who I though was so fly only problem was he couldn't hold to a date, always cancelling . Truth be told he had a man which I found out way latter. But over the 5 hour phone calls I had really let him into my life and it hurt when I realised I was being played. brick brick brick brick
But two week ends ago I felt like me again, no I wasn't floating all over the club like I did back in the day but I didn't feel insecure. Something about getting your feelings hurt that it can kill your self confidence . After all these situations I began to be more obsessed with how I looked and I had no clue it would get worse. I faced so much rejection after that i began to feel as though I was busted. But im starting to feel like the old me again and the old me attracts a different type of people
damn that was a fun weekend even though it damn near wore me out with all that clubbing. I'm starting to realize though that you have to be in it to win it. I will meet no one staying at home doing nothing.
Sidebar: On New Years me and my boy stayed at a club for 7 hours I think that was a record. But man it also felt good to be around a friend, a good friend to bring in the New Years with.
And I keep on thinking back to the last weeknd of 06. I had so much fun . It was one of those weekends of clubbing. I went out to several clubs with my boy from detroit that was visiting and boy did we have fun. I am not sure that he had as much fun as I did but for a minute I was starting to feel like the old me.
Off and on I keep on reencountering the old me. The me that weighed a good 10 -20 more pounds then I do now, that would walk up to the flyest guy in a club and say whats up. Not only would I say whats up but I would dance with him and get his number. Those were the days when I wasflavor of the moment.
What took me out of flavor of the moment staus , millions of things. Mainly getting my feelings hurt. I could think back to the first few guys who hurt my feelings and damn that shit still stings today. I rememebr the one dude I used to call every single day at 9:01 and he never had time to chill and but always was up for some convo.Damn was he sexy, he had bad breathe but I let that slide. Any how when I relaized I was calling him all the time I decided to let him call me and well what happened next is he never called. And I was crushed. A month later I decided to go call him back and he gave a story about moving to connecticut. Maybe he really did maybe he didnt but how hard would it have been for him to tell me he just wasn't interested. well that put up a few bricks.
Then I met my ex a few months after that and he killed all thoughts of that dude but he to hurt my feelings when he made it very clear I wasnt worth his time. Or better yet I wasn't worth him putting some time into . Well that was some bricks and cement.
Then there was the dude I dated who I though was so fly only problem was he couldn't hold to a date, always cancelling . Truth be told he had a man which I found out way latter. But over the 5 hour phone calls I had really let him into my life and it hurt when I realised I was being played. brick brick brick brick
But two week ends ago I felt like me again, no I wasn't floating all over the club like I did back in the day but I didn't feel insecure. Something about getting your feelings hurt that it can kill your self confidence . After all these situations I began to be more obsessed with how I looked and I had no clue it would get worse. I faced so much rejection after that i began to feel as though I was busted. But im starting to feel like the old me again and the old me attracts a different type of people
damn that was a fun weekend even though it damn near wore me out with all that clubbing. I'm starting to realize though that you have to be in it to win it. I will meet no one staying at home doing nothing.
Sidebar: On New Years me and my boy stayed at a club for 7 hours I think that was a record. But man it also felt good to be around a friend, a good friend to bring in the New Years with.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
What 2007 means to me.
HMmm . I can't help but feel like I am awakening from a coma. I think for the last two years I have gone on extremely unhappy and turning like the wheels in a big machine. Although I can't place the unhappiness on one thing I think that I had to hit rock bottom before I picked myself up and started that introspection thing. Is 2007 a new beginning, no its a continuation. I started over a few months ago. So many things 2007 means to me. So many things I said was going to stop or change let me list some things and discuss.
1) 5 years of being single if I make it to the summer it will be 5 years that I have not had a significant other. There have been some opportunities I gave up on, but I have been single as a dollar bill for the most part. I still remember how he felt though , I still remember how when we made love how I felt all that tingly but I think to myself in hindsight was it real or all in my head because as I search for something new I look for something or some one that makes me feel like he did and all the things that have happened since then I have rarely felt it ( well I did twice in Atlanta but shit that was in Atlanta doesn't count.)
2) 2 years with out sexual intercourse (If I make it to July that is), hmmm well I don't know that that is all so accurate but I'm running with it. I have never turned down so much sex in my life what the hell am I thinking . well mainly I don't want any ones deceases or any ones wack sex. (side bar: later for all that I gotta fuck this year.)
3)My 5th year at my job .. When I started I said I would only do 5 years and I so feel like the Divine intervention in my life is telling me to move on so why should I fight, I am just going to go where he leads me and he is leading me somewhere else. I realised I can't change the world and sacrifice my own dreams at the same time its never going to work out in my favor.
4) I brought in the past 3 New Years with the same friend. The first New Years we did I was drunk and throwing up on a park bench ( not a good way to bring in the New Year). The second New Years I was at a wack ass party we left early. The third New Years was the worse , we went to a gay club that he brought his straight friend too who he didn't tell it was a gay club and dude was alright till the stripper started sucking his own dick lol. Anyhow he left me out in the cold to go hang at some White boy spot (I don't do white boy spots I did enough keg parties in College. I have earned the right to discriminate, believe me.) Any how this ex-friend has been at the top of my thoughts a lot lately. In the beginning, the ending of our friend ship didn't mean much to me but I definitely feel a void now . It's funny how money can kill a friendship. Well it wasn't money it was the way he disrespected me when the issue of money came into play. I can't be friends with him again, how do you forgive some one who doesn't apologize. Any how it's always weird when I see him out just like I did on New Years. I know we will never be friends again but I wonder is there some way to kill that tension shit that I feel when I see him because I don't need that . I know my money is gone and the lesson is learned I'd like to just erase the whole situation and not act as if we never knew each other.
5) I'm starting to pull myself together. I am returning to who I used to be . I am no longer walking around looking scruffy and unkept. I am ironing doing the laundry more often and making an attempt to keep my house together whether or not some one is coming to visit.
6) Getting to dating , well I realised i don't have time to be at every club doing that thing although I have met some people out there so I joined the gay myspace ( adam4adam) again. It is entertaining I just wish I could be as free as I used to be but I guess it will take a while to demolish all the bricks.
Happy New Years to me
I decided to have a new years resolution. It was to not buy into the insanity and to create my own happiness.
1) 5 years of being single if I make it to the summer it will be 5 years that I have not had a significant other. There have been some opportunities I gave up on, but I have been single as a dollar bill for the most part. I still remember how he felt though , I still remember how when we made love how I felt all that tingly but I think to myself in hindsight was it real or all in my head because as I search for something new I look for something or some one that makes me feel like he did and all the things that have happened since then I have rarely felt it ( well I did twice in Atlanta but shit that was in Atlanta doesn't count.)
2) 2 years with out sexual intercourse (If I make it to July that is), hmmm well I don't know that that is all so accurate but I'm running with it. I have never turned down so much sex in my life what the hell am I thinking . well mainly I don't want any ones deceases or any ones wack sex. (side bar: later for all that I gotta fuck this year.)
3)My 5th year at my job .. When I started I said I would only do 5 years and I so feel like the Divine intervention in my life is telling me to move on so why should I fight, I am just going to go where he leads me and he is leading me somewhere else. I realised I can't change the world and sacrifice my own dreams at the same time its never going to work out in my favor.
4) I brought in the past 3 New Years with the same friend. The first New Years we did I was drunk and throwing up on a park bench ( not a good way to bring in the New Year). The second New Years I was at a wack ass party we left early. The third New Years was the worse , we went to a gay club that he brought his straight friend too who he didn't tell it was a gay club and dude was alright till the stripper started sucking his own dick lol. Anyhow he left me out in the cold to go hang at some White boy spot (I don't do white boy spots I did enough keg parties in College. I have earned the right to discriminate, believe me.) Any how this ex-friend has been at the top of my thoughts a lot lately. In the beginning, the ending of our friend ship didn't mean much to me but I definitely feel a void now . It's funny how money can kill a friendship. Well it wasn't money it was the way he disrespected me when the issue of money came into play. I can't be friends with him again, how do you forgive some one who doesn't apologize. Any how it's always weird when I see him out just like I did on New Years. I know we will never be friends again but I wonder is there some way to kill that tension shit that I feel when I see him because I don't need that . I know my money is gone and the lesson is learned I'd like to just erase the whole situation and not act as if we never knew each other.
5) I'm starting to pull myself together. I am returning to who I used to be . I am no longer walking around looking scruffy and unkept. I am ironing doing the laundry more often and making an attempt to keep my house together whether or not some one is coming to visit.
6) Getting to dating , well I realised i don't have time to be at every club doing that thing although I have met some people out there so I joined the gay myspace ( adam4adam) again. It is entertaining I just wish I could be as free as I used to be but I guess it will take a while to demolish all the bricks.
Happy New Years to me
I decided to have a new years resolution. It was to not buy into the insanity and to create my own happiness.
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