Spinning on the Turntables of Life

"You are the best example of how you want to be treated."

2008-08-01T00:06:00.002-04:00

This happens to be my favorite line of 2008. I think I heard it on Oprah or something. I say this phrase so much to my homegirl that she is sick of hearing it. It is so funny though how I can go back to so many instances in my life where I can begin to take the ownership of things that I used to blame others for doing. People only do what you allow them to do to you, what you show them is ok to do to you.
"I didnt have much to say I just wanted to share that quote."

Adendum to the previous post

2008-07-28T19:49:00.002-04:00

Hmmm
So I read that post again. I read , I thought about it played it out again in my head and I thought wow what a waste of time that was . I mean the post is true to its self and what I was going through at the moment. But how amazing life would be if I didn't put myself through half the shit others put me through. GI put me through enough did I need to waste days mulling over it putting myself through it three times as worse. Anyhow just working on me.

Fool of me

2008-07-24T13:36:00.002-04:00

"I remember when you filled my heart with joy
Was I blind to the truth just there to fill the space
Cause now you have no interest in anything I have to say
And I have allowed you to make me feel dumb
What kind of fool am I that you so easily set me aside
You made a fool of me
Tell me why
You say that you dont care but we made love
Tell me why
You made a fool of me you made a fool of me

I want to kiss you
Does she want you with the pain that I do
I smell you in my dreams
But now when were face to face you wont look me in the eye
No time no friendship no love
Dont say dont touch you I cant touch you no more
Cant touch you any more any more
I dont touch you anymore You made a fool of me
Tell me why
You say that you dont care but we made love
Tell me why
You made a fool of me you made a fool of me"
Fool Of Me by Meshell N'degeocello

So I sat on the bus on the way back to New York and I did what I always do when my feelings are hurt. I put on my ipod selected Meshell and started up the "Bitter"cd. This is probably the #1 break up CD I know. Everytime I am hurt by some one I listen to this CD. So the intro started to the first song and once I heard those strings I knew it was going to be a long ride home. It wasn't even a minute and a half in before the tears started falling. Big Brotha Jesus was looking out for me on this bus because every seat was taken except the one next to me so I took off my shoes pulled up my feet and had a cry.

Well that was actually the second cry that day. Sometimes I feel like a phony I walk through life with this tough ass exterior only hiding the reality that I am just as sensitive now as I ever was. Oh god Meshell was taking me through it. Now my heart breaks of course aren't as intence as what she feels on this cd but as small as they are and as short as the connections are they still deal a blow to my heart and my self esteem.

I arrived in DC on a friday with this sence of excitement and caution. Finally I would get a chance to chill with him, we will call him G.I. for short because he is a military man . GI and I met during memorial day weeekend when I went down to DC for black gay pride. Now truth be told DC is no longer where people really go for memorial day weekend but it was cheap for me because I have freinds who live there so it was all good. GI and I met at a club the second night I was in DC. We talked on the phone and the next day after the club I went over to his house and we had great spontaneous sex. It was delicious. Since then I kept in contact with him. After a few cancelations on his behalf and mine I finally made it to DC.

We had been talking on the phone on almost a dailly basis. I had kind of gotten to really know GI and felt like wow what is this . While on one hand I knew I didn't want a long distance relationship I still let it go on because hey I liked the dude. I often asked myself what was the purpose and what would come of this but I figured why not play with it and keep it going.

So he meets me at the bus stop and picks me up. Everything is cool. First thing we do is go back to his place and chill till dinner time. At dinner time we meet up with some friends of his and we eat and talk . At first I was a little uncomfortable but I warmed up after a while. Later on that night we end up club hoping. Hmmmm, red flag, why would I go to the club with some one I was trying to holla at . But I was like whatever, we get home from the club and of course I try to put on my moves, to which he turns me down and goes to sleep. Wow, that has never happened to me before . The next day we discussed it and he spoke of how tired he was. By this point I was kind of over him and preparing myself for the worse and calling up my friends who I had ditched in DC for the weekend to make sure if I needed an emergency pick up it would be avaialble. So I had three friends on stand by.

GI turned out pretty much not to be what I expected and he did a pretty good job of making me feel not wanted. He did a good job of making me confused. He did a good job of controlling the whole weekend and situation. If he wanted to kiss we kissed. If he wanted to cuddle we cuddled. If he wanted to have sex we had sex but we didnt ( we didn't have sex the whole weekend .) I know that it is written somewhere in the gay bylaws that if you travel a good distance to see some one they have to give you sex. So the whole weekend ended with me feeling dumped even though that may not have been the case. He said he liked me, we kissed cuddled and talked but I still felt extremely rejected. There was also the factor that he worked both days while I was in town which left me trapped in his apartment starving.

The last I saw of him was when he rushed me out of his apartment because he had to head back to work for some unexpected overtime. I sat on the side walk in the hot ass sun eating a cheese burger and fries out of a paper bag feeling lower then low. That was when I cried the first time. I felt like no matter what his feeligs were he made a fool of me. All the time wasted for what. I mean, why invite me if you aren't going to have time for me. And also why take me out clubbin. It was all a waste of time and no ass on top of that. I got the whole "you are the type of guy you keep around not the type you fuck and leave "speech to which I wanted to scream "tell that to my throbbing dick he's not trying to hear that."

So now what.....

It's 4 days later, is he expecting me to call. Do I call. Was I rejected. Did I Carry Bradshaw this one (over annalyze).

Alone

2008-07-10T01:53:00.004-04:00

Oh my God I spend so much time alone. I mean not that I want anyone to feel sorry for me,but damn I spend so much time alone. Sometimes even when I am with people I am alone. What's the black gay man's biggest fear "being alone." What's the almost 30 black gay mans biggest reality "he is alone ."

In hindsight maybe he was the guy for me. Like maybe the fact that he spent the night on our first date wasn't an issue. Well that's not an issue maybe an issue was he came packed to spend the night on our first date. And another issue was, I said "ok" after not ever meeting him. But then again I saw all I needed to see online. Almost every tasteful nook and cranny and we talked a few weeks so I guess it doesn't seem as odd. But was it that feeling he gave off, that thirst that some of us damn near 30 gay men have. That thirst to be loved. That feeling of shit it aint getting no better I need to get me this man I aint getting younger. Shit he was probably tired of being alone . I know I was.

He like I had a great job.

He like I was good looking.

He like I would have made a woman an excillent husband any day nder different circumstances.

He like I was alone almost 30 and had been through it.

So we slept together he felt good to sleep with. Or was it just that it had been so long since some one had slept in my bed that it was nice. In the mornig we showered got dressed and went to work. He called, I called, he stopped calling and left the ball in my court. I never learned to dribble so I dropped the ball. He gave me a few jaded text and messages online. I saw him at the club the other night he looked so happy to see me I wanted to tell him sorry but my pride would never allow me to admit it.

I wanted to say sorry I led you on.

Sorry I got turned off because you made it to easy for me.

Sorry I went back to the youngins.

I wanted to say sorry come spend another night and lets free our "over the hill" asses from this loneliness.

Instead I said nothing I drank some more felt fabulous picked my head up and stood on my pillar of artificial self esteem.

I left the club alone.

I went home alone.

I woke up alone.

Alone

Getting sick= God's way of telling you to sit down and think.

2008-03-30T23:35:00.004-04:00

So I have been going non stop lately between the gym, work, diet and dating ofcourse. I have been going and running on no fuel. I know for a fact 4-5 hours a night isn't enough to run on considering that leaves about 20 or 19 hours of activity. So as a result I end up getting sick. The cool thing about being almost 30 is I know my body like never before and I know the minute I'm going to get a cold or something.

So I was out a few nights ago with a guy who I always thought back on as one of the ones that I let get away. The funny thing is how my moms says "all the thing you need to know will come and sit in your lap one day, there is no need to go searching to find out". This was maybe the worse date I have ever been on. Dude sat there the whole time on his cell. When he wasn't on his cell he was talking about other dudes in the restaurant and the dl dude at his job typical "tired ass fag convo "( excuse the air of negativity but I'm just keeping it real for a minute.) So I begin to feel like a wet food stamp , shit I didnt know what it was a date or were we friends or was I really the chump I was being played for.
Well flash back , me and this dude fell off years ago initially because I was going through one of my usual flacky phases. So any how some time afterward he told me how much he was feeling me and how much I hurt him. I guess this date was some sort of payback or maybe he was so comfortable with me he was being him self. I wanted to be done with this date quicker then it started and yes I had to pay because apparently when I was drunk I told him I would take him out for his birthday ( oh yeah im pretty convinced that I am having some problems with my alcohol also I will begin to work on it when my birthday weekend is over lol).
I rememebr sitting in the restaurant and flirting with a guy at the next table and I almost did the unthinkable just as a fuck you to this guy who was sitting in front of a top knotch dude wasting his time and money like he wasn't shit. But I did nothing I just sat there while he had endless casual convo after convo and even sipped on some english dudes drink . And I ate the negative energy and ate it . When he dropped me off at home he wanted a good night kiss and asked me if I would take him out to the movies on friday to which I responded I would be having house guest and he called me a whore.
Neeedles to say I woke up the next morning feeling like crap . I had let some one drain me and I was sick from that moment till now . In all honesty it was a lesson well learned, I will no longer blame cutting him off in the past as me being flaky. I cut him off because I sensed some "bitchness in him" as puffy would say ( damn I cant believe I just quoted that freak.) The only difference was I second guessed it all once my options started to dry up. A classic pattern for me is that once my options start to dry up I start to review past situations and people and think about how I could have stuck it out a little longer or just how I was being so flaky. No it is none of the above I ended the shit because it wouldn't work . Nice body , good head, yada yada woopdie woo it wasnt going to work so what was the purpose.
So know that I am sick living off of fucking motrins because I hate to take anything that will make me drowsy I have had some time to think on some things, thank god.

1) Stop looking for love
2) Stop dating youngins
3) Although they may look good they aint ready
4) Stop back peddling, keep moving forward
5) I have to quit my job, It is noble work but noble is synonomous with bad pay.

So any how while I have been sick there has been a whole lot of laying on the couch watching shows I never watch, also playing in is the fact that my cable is fucked up and I am only watching the channels that come in . So I was watching this show on Monique the comedianne's life. She was talking about how she walked into work and quit her job at MCI and told her supervisor how she was going to be a super star and she had nothing to fall back on or no other options and a 2 year old son. Wow I have been thinking thats what I need to do to get where I have to go. Truth be told maybe I could pursue my dreams at my current job but again it drains me. So much thinking and so little doing that is the problem. Don't know if I will quit my job like Monique yet but I know that changing schools was supposed to be better for me but I still feel like I am not serving my purpose at all.
It's funny a few weeks ago I was at G bar, which is a white gay bar in nyc , some place I would probably never go but some how we ended up there. While at the bar this guy came up to me and began to give me a psychic reading . He told me " there was somehting in my life that I was scared of persuing because I was a ffraid I wouldnt be able to support myself financially." After looking at him like where the fuck did you come from I was thinking I know where he came from . I needed to be brought back to reality. He told me all I had to do was pursue what it was I was a fraid to do and I would be fine ." I am ready to take that step on faith.

Stay tuned

What kind of fuckery is this?

2008-02-22T14:03:00.005-05:00

Continuing with the Amy Winehouse theme
What kind of fuckery is this, I mean really? #1

Mr. Sexy

1st text: I want to c u
2nd text: Thinkin about you
( so im game and like lets meet up he says yes)

next text: I just got home in Jersey , the buses don't run well , if I come to meet you I may have to spend the night yada yada yada, wa wa wonk wa wa

he didnt show up

the next day text messaging :yada yada yada , I got locked out the house , homie I'm staying with aint got the keys, yada yada woopdie woo, I gotta pick up my guitar . I am back in jersey Im tired as hell I can't come through (I personally was at the bar getting my drink on flirting been done moved on)

What kind of Fuckery is this?
I know exactly what kind of fuckery it is. Hmm, let me go through my memory file and get a few pointers.
1) Always text you and uses minimal phone calling
2) Bullshits you all day and cancels
3) Keeps you hanging on (or at least thinks he is )

Answer: This mofo has a man
I know he cant be that confused and flaky
To be continued..... We had such a great vibe at the club I hope I am wrong (giving myself the girl please eye.)

What kind of Fucker is this, I mean really? #2

Im at a bar last night (where I was while Mr. Sexy was texting me)

We will call him Sparkle (because there is something shiney about him, I just can't put my finger on it.)

Sparkle came up to me and here is the Dialogue

Sparkle: You are a teacher right?
Kindacleva: Yes I am
Sparkle: Do you remember me?
Kindacleva: yes
Sparkle: you was so drunk the night we met
Kindacleva: I know , But I remember you
Sparkle: How are the kids, How is work?
Kindacleva: Great
(and he walks away)

Now the whole time I was acting like a shady mofo. Usually when I want to talk to some one I ask questions and I engage myself in the convo.

Back Story: I met him on the train on the way home from the club in the summer. I was drunk but not whiteboy drunk I knew what was going on. We exchanged numbers and set up to chill the next day. Upon which he asked if I would be cooking dinner. I hadn't planned to but I thought dude was cute so I went out to do some light grocery shopping to cook him something. He was supposed to show up at 8 . He never showed up, never called, nothing.

Back to the bar

I am walking through the bar and he stops me again.

Sparkle: Are you leaving
Kindacleva: No
Sparkle: Oh ok, How come you never called me
Kindacleva: I did , I called planned for us to meet and when the time came you never showed up.
Sparkle: No not true, you never called
(He looked like he was telling the truth but I'm no fucking freshmen , he rememdered who I was and all, I was giving him the girl please eye and he never caught on to it.)
Kindacleva: I did
Sparkle: well lets exchange numbers
Kindacleva: ok (thinking whatever lets see what he does) I will give you my number
Sparkle: My phone is in my jacket pocket I will give you mine and you can give me a call.
Kindacleva: No I will send you a text and you call me.
Sparkle: Ok I will do that

What kind of Fuckery is this?

I know exactly what kind of fuckery this is , going into the memory file again.

1) you made plans he totally flaked out, didn't even cancel, he just didn't show up. Haven't heard from him since.
2) He sees you out and finally gets up the nerve to speak (his bourgious ass had a few sips of the red wine and he is feeling sexy and got some balls)

Answer: This mofo just wants to get back in. He saw me out and was like damn I fucked that up let me see if I could get back in. And he just knows because he got this cute little ass when he gives me his number im just going to jump on it (that's where the red wine came in.)

Why did he cancel, who knows maybe his steady dick was headed over, and why chance new dick you never seen for the old one you know well. Or maybe he fell asleep (girl please eyes). Or maybe he was playing a game and wanted to see if I would chase him .

Now all that being said if he wanted back in he would have gotten mad respect if he just walked up to me and appologized for what he did. He really wouldn't have even had to tell me why he did what he did . Appologize be a man about it and I gotta respect that and I will kick it with you if i am bored twitling my fingers and have completely ran out of shit to watch on x tube and ran completely out of vaseline.

What Kind of fuckery is this I mean really? #3

So this dude I have known for a few years and we see each other out, we have been meaning to kick it for years and every now and then we get consistent. His only problem is he wants to be pursued and I don't do that, it's never thats serious 50 50 with me or nothing. I did recently troop it out to "Carajo Land" (newyourican for west bubblefuck) to go to a party he was having that was lame. Considering how far I went for him I would think that would show initiative . So he sends me this text.

" I am home from my trip n have a week off, whats good when we chillin"

I responded

"wednesday"

Wednesday came and he he hit me up online saying , "Oh we supposed to chill and you never even called" to which I never responded, because I was like shit if you want to chill why should I have to chase you around like your a little girl.
Today I get a text that says

"Had the week off, thanks to those who chose to chill with me for those who didn't spring cleaning is coming up n yes this is a group message"

What kind of Fuckery is this?
Hmm checking my memory file ............. coming up blank

This is some new fuckery. I have always thought this dude was sending mass text where I was concerned. I am left to assume his first text was a mass text and probably all the text he sends me are. How fucking tacky is that. I mean I get my playa playa on myself but I would have never sent a text thanking all those that took me out on a date this week and then vilifying those who didn't and telling them they will be erased. Mofo erase me because I don't give a rats ass. He got a nice little booty though but what he fails to realize is he is old school now and there is nice new 22 and 23 year old booty on the scene so him erasing my number isn't going to affect me not one bit.

Try To make me go to rehab, I said no no no...

2008-02-20T15:12:00.003-05:00

Well carrying on with the Amy Winehouse theme I was feet first in the crack house yesterday. But I decided not to go straight to adam I decided to start with his ghetto little sister BGC. And it was like riding a horse . I hit up dudes they hit me up . Before I knew it 4 hours flew by and I was still sitting there juggling about 5 different chats on Yahoo, AIM and BGC. It was interesting , it was alright but somewhere in the back of my head I was thinking hmm where is all of this going and with the fire burning inside of me all this wasn't queltching it.

So I decided to go out to splash , after talking to one of the dudes from bgc on the phone I got up fixed my hair up, took a shower and when I went to get dressed I realized the shirt I brought didn't fit at all , it didnt even close to fit. Oh shit this could have ruined the night because I had planed for that to be my next club outfit but I had to recycle a shirt that I had worn 2 weeks ago to a house party but it was all good I wasn't going to let that stop me.

I decided I was going to step out last night with a positivity molotov coctail . This consisted of my ipod with a playlist of only happy uplifting songs , alot of gospel mixed in and the main ingredient watermelon vodka and cranberry in one bottle and watermelon vodka and grape juice in the other bottle , who says vodka and gospel dont go together , in my world they are a perfect match. I was having my own private party coming from the bronx into the city and by the time I hit 96 street I was kind of lit. When I got of at 18th street couldn't nobody tell me I wasn't the shit , couldn't nobody tell me life wasn't great and amazing, nothing could break my stride.
So I got in the club, it was cute, lots of people , the energy was great. The energy of splash on a tuesday night is always great. I would say splash and the defunct luke and leroy always were the ideal spots for me and the vibe is always good. It doesnt feel like culture club or now Shelter where I feel like I am being sized up from the moment I step in the door. Those parties to me bring in an element of fashion faboulosity and elitist attitudes. It's not like I can't roll with em because I can stroll with the best, but it isn't me. The inner me is a nerdy black boy from Queens who read books during gym and once wore church shoes and a pink dress shirt to school in the 7th grade circa 1991 a very bold move and fashion no no for the time period oh yeah and dressing like that was also like commining social suicide but hell I had no freinds so it didn't matter. In Splash I feel relaxed and u can be you in that club. You just go have some drinks and have fun, thats what everyone is doing there having fun. 75 percent of Shelter is mingling and looking and sizing up, people aren't dancing like there is no tomorrow in there, not unless they are white boy drunk. Anyhow I digress.

So I do the coat check thing take a leak and hit the dancefloor at splash. The minute I hit the floor I see this dude and I'm like fuck he is cute. But he was dancing with some one and I was thinking he probably won't like me anyway but whatever won't let that fuck with my positivity molotov coctail ( I am human insecurity does sneak in every now and then.) Anyhow I stayed there and started to get my boogie on and when I turned around none other then Mr. Sexy was looking at me well not looking but staring. So I said "whats up " and we started dancing and talking . He kept telling me how good he thought I looked. I loved it I didn't want to let him go. Then I did something I dont do (one of my new philosophies when you keep doing the same thing you get the same results) I had to pee badl, I told him I had to go to the bathroom but I didn't want to leave him. So I asked him to come with me. He did we held hands walking to the bathroom and coming back. Then we sat at a table and talked for a minute where I told him I want to be with one person . In 30 minutes I broke every rule in the playa handbook. On page one it tells not to hold hands at the club, discuss how you really feel about relationships and yeah let some dude know he has got you burning up on the inside. If "Don Majic Wand" could see me now he would take his walking stick and shove it right into my windpipe. Well fuck the playa handbook, that shit aint got me nuthing but lonely winter after winter, time to do something new.

So finally he did have to leave I walked him to coat check, yup holding his hand. He introduced me to like 8 friends he got his coat we hugged and yes there was a peck or two and he left. I stayed he said he would let me know when he got in, and yes he actually did , I was still at the club. After he left I got another drink and the D.J. got wicked on the turntables and I danced like my life depended on it and I had such a good time.

The Universe is a trip , I guess I really dont need BGC or Cousin Adam after all and the universe had to express that to me blatantly.

I feel like Amy Winehouse in a crack house smoking a cigarette

2008-02-19T13:43:00.002-05:00

She knows damn well she is going to try and get a hit of that pipe.
(Amy get out the Crackhouse Yo!!!!)

So let me make the connection.

I am off work this week. And I must admit there is a fire burning inside of me. If some one doesn't put there ass in my face in the next 24-36 hours I am going to lose it.

This apartment, is my crack house. I have nothing to do here and all I can think about is sex. It's only a matter of time before I call up cousin adam and see if he can find me some dates (rejoin adam for adam.)
And for sure cousin adam is my crack. Cousin adam is a waste of my time, he is addictive, he can ruin lives etc. just like crack.
I just text my sponsor (my friend who I deleted all the sites with on january 1st) Well he has found a man so he can't relate to the fire that is burning inside of me .

Shit let me look through some pics, I gotta post some hot shit , I'm not fucking around...

Rejection

2008-02-18T05:39:00.003-05:00

So I said I would talk about decenmeber , Hmmm well I am just getting back form a night out and what happened tonight is recalling to me to december. Well in December I was with two guys who were my dream guys . Two, can you fucking believe that, and in the month of february neither one is around . what a moment.

Maybe when he told me his favorite cd was from Jaged Edge I should have known it wouldn't work .
Or was it the way he downplayed the fact that I would be out of town . I thought damn I'm coming back it will be all good . We have mad time when I get back. But I really think he wanted me to cancel my trip

or was it the fact that I dated his friend who he down played on our date . Truth be told his friend also kissed me on the night that we exchanged numbers and yes he saw us lol.

Whatever , when I got back from dc it was dead . He gave me the I will call you back game and never did. Damn he looked like the man I wanted . I mean he was everything I would ever need to be phsyically attracted . I have met 2 guys in my whole life that were 100 percent what I would have drawn in the picture of what I am 100 percent attracted to.
Let me be real I used to always see him out and day dream about that being the dude that I wanted and Imagine actually having the oportunity to meet him and chill with him and go on a date with him , and hear him tell me that he wanted to see me . To see more of me. And then nothing . Rejection, I can't take it well . I used to not be able to take it . This book I am reading tells me about all of these things I have chosen. I chose the parents I have, I chose the life I live, I chose all of these things pre-birth because it was something that I needed to over come in order to be able to go to the next level on my journey in life. I chose this dude, he would be the last to reject me and hurt my feelings. When I figured he was rejecting me , I was hurt I mean really hurt . I didnt go out for almost 2 months in fear of seeing him . but recently I got over it I think and I started going out, but it wasnt until tonight that I saw him . He acknowledge me but then again he didn't. I had to acknowledge him first . Then there was a time when he stared at me in the club . And then there was the moment when I was talking to another dude and I thought, me thinking about this other dude who has proved to me isn't worthy of me is a waste of time. Then there was the sad walk back to the train station where i thought wow, I'm too fucking fly for this bullshit. I wake up too early in the morning and plant too many seeds to be sittting thinking that I won't be granted the best . He turned me down but you know what, fuck him and the horse he road in on. If he doesnt realize what he gave up on fuck em, he isn't the one for me. Fuck him and many others . I am erasing all the people who have me on the back burner it doesnt help to communicate with those who dont have me in the front and then give half my attention to those who do want me .
I walked back to the train in the rain with my yellow umbrella. Something about that umbrella makes me laugh. I thought about how it was so silly to put some one elses perception of who I am above who I know I am and I laughed. I laughed and smiled and moved on. This is not thick skin . This is relaity I am growing , growing to know how fly I am and how what looks good to me isn't always good for me . He rejected me, but you know what that's ok because he isn't what I want. Bless him on his journey , in his moments of discomfort may he realize what he really wants, as I have. The future is full of posibilities. I'm going to pick from the tree of happiness, I'm going to smile with my yellow umbrella and deflect all the negative energy . I will do away with all that puts me in a state of negativity and double up on all the things that make me smile .

Hppy Valentines Day (Alas we have missed the Mark)

2008-02-14T21:42:00.003-05:00

So I planned it out and thought it out but the date didn't arrive. Well truth be told I didn't really believe in it . My faith in it happening went in and out. I was gung ho two nites and stayed in the rest of the days I was supposed to be putting myself in the public eye.

I came to a thought about how you give certain people a moment in your life that you may never get back . Even an Insignificant moment and whether or not those people deserve it. Let me list a few examples
1) My birthday - when I turned 24 I went on a date with my first and only kind of boyfriend. The date was amazing the realtionship was wack on many levels and affected me even wanting to be in a relationship for years to follow. No matter what everytime I have a birthday I think of that great night but I also think of what proceeded it from an open heart to an ice-box where it used to be . Even if i think about it for 5 minutes it's a waste , he didnt deserve it.
2) The first guy I had sex with- He was a dude from online. There was no loving story attached to it . It was aight but I could have done with out it but I will never get that moment back.

So my first Valentines day date, I decided it was worth more to me then to give it to some one I just met a few days prior to it . And truth be told giving Valentines day to a stranger may emply something unless it is discussed in advance. So I decided to go to the gym and to go to the record store (sidebar: I was thinking the last few times I went to the record store how I would love for wow gospel 2008 to come out and I walked in and there it was sitting on the shelf .... ahhh the secret lol) and went to buy a new mop from K-mart (sidebar: dont fuck with the swiffer wet jet , they romanced me with there commercials and all and I threw my old mop out but the minute you have a spill you realize swiffer can't do shit for you. )

So the time crunch wasn't right for the valentines day world tour so I decided to add another leg to the tour. Im going to extend it to march 14 and lets see what we come up with .

The Valentines Day World Tour Check-In

2008-02-10T21:38:00.000-05:00

Well I went out and here is the run down
Thursday
Well we went to look for the party. I went on line found the spot that was supposed to be where luke and leroy went to. It was club rush and welll I guess I wont be going out on thursdays anymore in NYC, I mean the black gay club life in this city just isnt the same . The club we were at was beyond wack . But I did bump into a former guy I used to talk to he stared at me for 15 minutes until I went over to talk to him and we exchanged numbers again he seemed excited I called on saturday left a message and have as of yet to hear back from him but its all good hope is still alive. We left that club and headed to Escuelita which was better but still wack.

Friday night
So we went to Club Shelter which was much better then anything we endured on thursday but it wasn't great . I met a little dude there . Hmmm he was fucking sexy but a little on the fem side. Considering how lonely I have been and keeping it real I was thining do I shunn off feminity because of what others would think or could I fuck with , I don't, I know I could fuck with him for sure. I want to kick it with him though , we will see. One thing I do like about most feminine type dudes is they take care of there man and dagnabbit I wouldn't mind that (come make me some sausage, grits and cheese eggs in the morning and iron my clothes and give me some good loving you might be able to get my heart.)

After those two days I was supposed to go out again , I don't feel as though either of them is what I want for my valentines day date so in the mean time I will keep on truckin.
I am trying to decide if I will go out tonight but hmm..... who knows

I drew a picture just like they did in the secret and I'm going to meditate on it and see what it brings.

The Valentines Day World Tour

2008-02-03T23:02:00.000-05:00

Well it's here again another Valentines day. Last year it was just another day of the week , can't even tell you what happened . It had the same symbolance as february 13th. This year I have decided not to let it pass. I am going to do something new . Now, I like to do these little experiments with myself including the power of the law of attraction and just putting it into action. So I declare that I will have a valentines day date and he will be some one worthy of spending that day with.
So today is February 4th so I have 10 days to find that date . I will document what will happen as it goes along on this. Most would say I am way past the time period one should be in to have a valentines day date but bump that I'm sure I will make it work. If I were still on adam and the other sites I'm sure it wouldn't take as long, hell I could have a valentines day fuck if I wanted but I am going to find that valentines day date the right way. This will be called the Valentines day world tour . I will be out and in the places letting my light shine.

In the moment

2008-01-27T15:21:00.000-05:00

Wow I can't believe it has been so long since I blogged WTF.
Well so much was going on in the month of December I am going to have to recap in a different post because it was a month of revelations.

Anyhow it is January 27 and we are almost one month down in the year of 2008. When I checked out all the other blogs at the beginning of the year people were reviewing thier years , what they learned and New Years resolutions. In all honesty when I though back on 2007 I had nothing I felt worth reviewing and nothing to write a resolution about at all. 2007 was a year of half happiness and half insanity. I dont want to review I want to move forward I dont want to New Year resolution because I dont believe in that shit, if you dont like what's going on change it now . Fuck a January 1st, change that shit on April 3rd if it needs to be changed.

So what have I been up to
Well last weekend I was out in Atl and I must say it was quite a great time. I loved it for the most part eventhough I fell ass first into a puddle one night with my club outfit on and had to go back to the hotel and change, I still had fun that night. I had fun all the nights I was in Atl and the one thing I noticed when I landed back in NYC was that it was time for some drastic change. Truth be told I hate the Bronx. NYC is not the place for people like me anymore. I do pay a certain price almost for doing noble work . I am a school teacher and on one hand while I am planting seeds and giving back on a daily basis that doesn't translate to being financially stable. I bust my ass like none other and still all I have to show for it is my dumpy ass basment apartment in the bronx. I think its time to move up on out of the basement literally and figuratively. (That's not a resolution thats a plan that is being put into action.)

Another major development
I erased all my online dating accounts. For New Years I was in DC. I had an ok time but I had decided that it would be my last weekend on the sites. I had come to review every person I had met on those sites and couldn't think of one that was worthy of my time. For some reason also the boys were getting younger. Younger and just a waiste of time . In many aspects reminding me of myself when I first started out. I was flaky as hell, I dont want that at all in my life. I also dont want to waste my life's time looking at pictures, sending messages and checking profiles. Another factor was, shit I have no problem meeting people when I am out . And making meeting people in person my main mode of dating changes the game and forces me to be on point with mine. It's been almost a month since being on adam and I must admit I don't really miss it . I almost tried to rejoin BGC while in atl because I was bored one day and could only imagine what I would be getting into if I had an account. But for some reason I kept getting kicked out of adding an account. Anyway I went out that night and was a social butterfly as usual and relized again how much I didnt need the sites .

Biggest Revelation

I have to be myself people are attracted to that, not a made up image and profile on Adam but the real Kindacleva that I have always been .

The Freaks come out at night

2007-11-25T15:49:00.000-05:00

So yeah If you rememebr I posted about the racy adam4adam pic. Finally after a week of putting dudes off I decided to meet two of them.Odly enough both latin dudes. now truth be told I have limited experience with latin dudes but when you throw up the racy pic mainly very local people hit you up and I live in the bronx.

The first dude we met up for a J/O session. Well the first thing I thought when I got there was damn hes kind of older looking then I thought but whatever. In all honesty it was hard for me to get into the groove of things ( couldnt get hard like I wanted to ) As we continued on I got into it , a little freaky but hay it wasn't a bad nut, I will go back again . Only thing I didn't like is it seemed like he lived in a maze/dungeon and I had backflashes of some geofrey dahmer shit while I was walking down there because truth be told I would not have even known how to get out of the damn place.

Second dude came over after I interrogated him online and all he wanted to do was give me head. Well we never even exchanged numbers he just called when he was close. He came through and might I say quite impressive job . NO number exchanged and I have no urge to see him again but its all good. I even stelth setting blocked him on yahoo it is what it is. Damn am I turning into the ho I understood earlier this summer . I dont know what im turning into but I know I like sexual contact and I'm tired of jerking off it aint the same, plus young sexy went awol (damn I would delete the account if he resurfaced .) As long as I keep it safe Im good right? (what about my heart , what about love, what about finding the one , am I done searching?)

VS. Game

2007-11-13T22:25:00.000-05:00

So now I am playing the game of VS. with the dudes I am talking to
Example
Very Cute & crazy Vs. Average looking and Nice

Well truth be told average looking and nice can get me going sometimes but very sexy & crazy his sex appeal is on another level. Verysexy and Crazy though he seems to think we were in a realtionship before and I never got that memo but I follow along with his insanity and I think boy oh boy I dont know if I want that in my life. The sexual thing was fire from what I remember. Average looking and nice is new he adores me but so does Very cute and crazy.

Winner: Very good looking and Crazy
Explanation: I'm vain and the fool kept my attention very well and as long as I want to just be with him from day one I should be aight (lol that's the problem.)

Very sexy and Crazy Vs. Very sexy and Busy (I will just call them crazy and Buzy for short)

Buzy is some one that I have been knowing for years and we have had several off and on times when we are talking and when we arent. Busy knows me pretty well and I feel so comfortable around him. The last time I tried to pursue Busy he invited me to a function at his job after I stood there mingling waiting for him to be ready to leave I told him I would walk around the city for awhile and wait for him to meet me. Didn't happen he called me later and was like oh I was just pulled into a meeting. I was like what the fuck, he was always hard to get time alone with . If I was into waiting he would be worth waiting for.

Winner: Busy
Explanation: He could really be my heart he is all I would want in a dude I would never look elswhere if he could just pencil me in.

Young & sexy Vs Busy Vs Crazy

Young sexy is 21 and the shit. The level of intamacy is off the hook. We have been kicking it lately on a consistent basis. I haven't jonesed for a dudes body like this in a minute but he is young and with him comes all the bullshit that comes along with youngins. Right now his phone is off and I can't reach him and I been wanting him the past few days. He is an around the way type dude andhe lives real close. One thing is he has very little life experince and he still lives with his parents. I will say he is much more mature then any of the other youngins I have fucked with , he has a job or two and goes to school and is about to be somebody. I love his drive that shit turns me on.

Winner: A tie between Youngsexy and Busy
Explanation: Can't decide between the two because either I could work with but would I be completely fulfilled.

I think I better continue looking

A little research

2007-11-07T19:36:00.000-05:00

So I am a long time user of adam4adam. Truth be told I hardly ever admit that I use it . And when I meet a good boy out side of the net, I dread them ever finding out I even have an account. But at the end of the day majority of the people in the club and those you meet elsewhere are on adam. It is almost like a gay myspace, well myspace already has its gay connection . Adam Is like a gay xrated myspace. Any how I have met quite a few characters off of adam none of which have really materialized into anything serious, but it is what .

I have always been so curious about who are the actual faces behind the dick and ass pics on adam. I mean I posted about it this summer how I thought it was somewhat liberating to be a proud ho, If you are tired of the dating bullshit. Me and my curious self I decided to post a racy picture on adam last week. Now, my usual acount on adam gets hit up once in awhile. When I change the picture or are on in the daytime I get more hits but I can go for long times periods with very little messages . Oh yeah it's only a face pic and thats all because I have something against showing all my good stuff online well at least on adam anyway.

Well strictly for research purposes did I post this racy pic . And my pc is ringin off the hook everytime I log on. Now half of the people are nasty ass freak hoes. But a good percentage of them look good. I mean what started off as research has become my main name I have been logging in on this week. Now one nudie pick does not a ho make. I havent met anyone yet but I think I am going to. I am telling them I only want to jerk off because I am trying to stay a good boy . One dude I talked to on the phone acts as if sex is so far off while another wants it right away , so that pretty much my usual experiences with adam. But damn considering my previous blog on hoes is this a self fulfilling prophesy, I dont know but I will keep you posted.

In small doses please

2007-11-04T12:14:00.000-05:00

In college a friend of mine and I had this philosophy about small doses. It was our personal oppinions that there were some people in your life that are friends but you can only stand them in small doses. You may love them to death but they have a limit. Well truth be told you love them but from a distance. They are nice people but they have soething about there personality that irritates you till no end but it takes sometime for it to hit you.

Well guys my only gay friend here in NYC is some one I like only in small doses. He is the only friend I have like that everyone else I can see when ever but him once I have been around him past 6 consecutive hours or so I'm already gathering my things for an abrupt depparture.In the past year I would say that we have gotten alot closser since most of my gay freinds here have moved away or been cut off.

He and I have travelled before . I rememebr the first time we traveled to Chicago and he and my good freind Detroit were bumping heads rediculously. Actually Small doses and I were bumping heads also . I was almost sure when we made it back to NYC we would never be friends again. He was just freeaking obnoxious, going out of his way to be an asshole to some one he didnt even know. After that trip I vowed never to bring him around another one of my friends again . I really felt responsible for him almost ruing Detroit's time. Any how we traveled together again after that and well he always was consistent as far as annoying the hell out of me. And I would always ditch him for hours on trips. Then I just said fuck it dont need to do that anymore. I mean If we were locked up in jail cell together I swear it would take me only a few days before I shanked him. So if I feel so passionately on how annoying this person is to me why still be friends.

I think sometimes my opinion on friends and relationships is weird. I must be honest, the way I grew up plays alot into it. Growing up I had a daddy that just up and one day decided he didnt want to be bothered with me anymore. To me thats worse then having the whole "I never met my father " situation. Outside of that we moved around alot so I started new school maybe three times in my younger life and I was a fat kid so it was always hard for me to make new friends. Sometimes when I did make friends they always would play me out when they were vying for the cool kids attention. So yeah I have some serious abandonment and detachment issues. I also dont always hold my friends to the high standard they should have to be held to. If my friends fuck up and prove themselves to not be on my level they should be cut off.

Back to small doses.... So He recently wanted to stay at my apartment for the weekend. I thought to myself oh no I dont know if I can take that it would be too long and my weekends are like gold . The past few weekends have been all about resting and relaxing I am so tired I sleep 10 hours on saturday and sunday and I love it I'm beginning to think sleep is almost as good as Absolut( ooh that sounds alcoholic). Now the past few weeks he has been asking to come over to my place to take a shower because his water went cold( huh, what, when my water goes cold I just hop my humble ass in the shower and deal with it or if its too cold I white boy shower it and call it a day). Each time he has asked I just basically become really inconsistent and don't respond. I know if he comes to take a shower he will spend the night and thats way past my 6 hour limit. So when he asked about the weekend I just never responded. He then sent me a text the next day saying thanks for not responding and I haven't responded since.

It's been a week now and I must say I dont miss him at all . If anything he always got more out of our friendship then I did. I would book the trip for us, I would let him come shower here, I would read his papers for school, I would give him that 30 bucks so he could make it till pay day, I would even buy him a drink at the club and what did I ever get out of it. Even when I gave him money I had to ask for it back and thats not a freind, if you owe me money you need to give it back to me I shouldn't have to aks you for it. If you are a freinds and I help you out be thankful find ways to reciprocate even though I may not need something from you, isn't that the way friendships work small doses or not.

So will I call, I dont know . I bet he is pissed off at me but in all honesty he has no right to be. Even though I like him only in small doses I feel as though I like him even better in no doses, but I dont want another enemy why can't I end things with friends and lovers amicably.

Do I smell desperation?

2007-10-21T01:49:00.000-04:00

Well I guess all things will come to the surface at some point. So this week with my Jersey friend just started off with disjointed communication. I was starting to feel like talking to him was a chore. It was just wasted time. The communication was dead. After a few days of phone tag he called and said it was soemthing he needed to speak to me about. And he basically dumped me lol. It makes me kind of laugh evertime I think of it. I guess he didn't dump me but we did agree on one thing, the spark was gone and that is the truth for sure. He had become like my homeboy in a sense. When he was around I didnt feel that animalistic tiger inside of me that wants to rip dudes clothes and make love to him , like you feel when you are getting into something new with some one. Well I felt it in the beginning and it fell off after then . And considering I didnt see him on a consistent basis I tink thats what fizzled everything out

Any how I guess we will be freinds or associates. He asked what I meant by associates and I said "soem one that you say whats up to in the club." Time will tell where that goes. I really respect the fact that he called me up and told me what was up that was a good thing. I didn't even have it in me to tell him how I felt first .But damn why was I pushing this. It was obvious to every one I talked to about this that it wasnt going where I wanted it to go. It was obviouse that this wasnt the situation for me but I just wanted some one to spend this cold ass winter with shit is that a crime. I dont even feel sad about the whole thing I feel somewhat relieved. Its ok if I have a winter with myself , I will be aight , I been aight every other winter.

Testing the waters

2007-10-14T20:10:00.000-04:00

Well for the past week or so I have been dipping my feet in the pool of exclusivity. I have calmed myself and put my focus into one person to see where that would go. I must admit I am dipping my feet and the water is a litle cold at times and sometimes its nice and warm and I just want to jump in and take a dive. But for the most part I have been going to the pool and it has been closed for renovations.

Where is this going. Now, I am not one to even try to say that I know the first thing about being in a relationship but I do know that in the beginning stages of dating some one you are given a preview as to what it would be like when and if you decide to acclimate that person into your life. So it is of some importance that at that time period you give that person your best. I think I am giving my best, but two incidents that have happened in our brief courtship have led me to believe he isn't giving his best and I am definitely not one to accept some ones "c" game. I am "A" list and you need to be on your "A" game if you want to be with me.

Incident number one; during a cassual conversation about something he cut me off and told me he wasnt interested in that topic. Ummm what? that was my responce and to be who I trully am I called him on it. I said "well what would you like to discuss" and he had nothing to discuss. After catching on to the fact that I had an attitude he just basically said "oh you are being too sensitive." That statement is one of my pet pieves. In most cases when some one says some one is being too sensitive what they are really saying is " I am not willing to own up to the fact that I just offended or disrespected you so I am going to put it back on you." Anyhow I ended the discussion abruptly because my feelings were hurt a little . He called the next day and was extremely nice, I guess that was and attempt at an appology but next time I would like an actual appology.

Incident number two; I took my first trip out to Jersey. And a trip it was. First of all it was raining like a mother outside second of all I missed the Jersey train which made my commute time last 2 hours. Before I got there he text me that he had company, WTF. Any how it was cool I chilled with them for a minute then they left and we chilled a little more and fell asleep in one anothers arms (that was sweet) but it didnt not erase the fact that it took some compromise for me to go to his house on a weekeday and the least he could have done was make sure he didn't have company over. I would never do that to some one who lived down the street from nonetheless some one who just traveled beyond an hour to see me.

So now what, well being that the pool is closed for renovations so often (meaning we don't see each other that often, it's all mainly phone convo and thats getting boring. Even when I try to plan something out he says he is broke = big turn off.) one is only left to try to find a pool closer to home. I am not saying that I will throw in the towel yet but he is leaving alot of open space, more then enough space for some one else to step in and depending on who it is I may just let them. Damn damn damn.

A double minority

2007-10-09T22:46:00.000-04:00

I spent the past weekend in the DC area and while it was a fun weeekend somewhat the thing that stuck out in my mind from this weeekend was an extreme act of ugliness. On my way to meet up with a friend I had to take them metro. While wating in my transfer station I sat down on a bench and put my duffle bag on the bench. The platform was almost empty . The thing is ulike in new york these benches are in an enclosed space it has a glass covering and you go in and out on one side. So I was chilling, just in a relaxed mode. A white woman and her husband or friend came close to where I was sitting . She was talking to him and I began to get a bit of their conversation. I heard her say "Oh I don't like to sit on the end of the bench" fine I thought , whatever I mean on the end you are kind of blocked in . Then as she walked away she dropped the bomb "Well he has commandeered the whole bench , he's black you know how they are. " Fire..... It was as if fire were rising from my head. I dont rememebr the last time I felt that anger, wait, no I do . Actually every moment in my life that I have felt the sting of racism I can rememebr the place the time of day and the feeling in the air. The moment this happened I was so stunned I was almost silenced. My humble black concious self didnt know what to say because truth be told I was hurt. This lady was a fat old white blob and she had hurt my feelings beyond hurt. The sting of racism is not one where you can say well whatever I am still fly. In the moment when some one is judging you based on something you really can't change or better yet something you would never want to change , something you wake up and thank god for every day it hurts.

The sting of racism is something interesting to me because I can always remember my stepfather telling me " no matter how much you may make of yourself some people in this world will still consider you a nigger." So all the things I stand on, a good vocabullary, a good education, a good job , a bachellors degree, a masters degree, no illigitimate kids etc. it doesnt mean shit to a person who sees you as an ignorant animal .

So what did I say, I trully cant remember. I know I started off with "excuse me are you talking to me" then it went into "well you can go sit your fat ass some where else you racist bitch." But it all fell on deaf ears for I was not even worthy of a responce and she acted as if I didnt even exist. Which burned me up even more. So when I walk around standing on my degrees and good english sometimes I forget who I am and where I am and the legacy that I stand on. When the sting of racism hits me Im always slapped back to the reality that I am a Black man in America.

So why did I title this post a double minority. Well truth be told, being black isn't the first thing I think about being judged on. In my everyday dealings I'm more focused on people finding out about my sexuality and judging me based on that. What a situation to be in and in some aspect it is my own people (black people) who do the judging. A double minority but I keep moviong on. But I need not forget who I am a black man first , gay, educated and all that other stuff second. I am sure I will be reminded again . I have never really been disrespected for my sexuallity but rascism is a bug that has bitten me several times.

A Happy Fall

2007-09-26T19:35:00.001-04:00

Usually fall has been an indifferent time for me. I usually enter fall with hesitation, almost as if I know what is ahead. Oh I do put out to the universe that it will be a lonely winter. Well this winter I dont feel that way. Even if there is no one that comes along I will be fine.

I think this time last year was right before the cards began to fall in. This time last year was right before I lost it. I dont feel that way now. I am at a new job and the vibe is different and even though I am as tired as a dog I feel good.

Well let me tell the whole truth. There is some one in the picture.And he is a good man . Its funny how that has become something of extreme importance to me . Not he's cute or hes hot or sexy. But his mama raised him right therefore he is a good man. On top of that he is sexy to me and I think he feels the same for me . His only problem is he lives in jersey but that can be worked out , I havent made my first trip out there yet.

The other day he came through and I cooked and all. The thing I loved about it was damn it felt nice to have some one around the house. Like simple shit, some one to sit next to on the couch as I watched tv. Some one to lean over and kiss me during the commercials. I like it but there are somethings I am getting out of my system before I can really be with some one.

Is he worth it?

"Slow down baby your moving too fast got your head in the clouds but your feet on the gas about to wreck your future running from the past "

2007-09-16T12:55:00.000-04:00

Ok the Original title for this post was going to be my new part time job.

Somwhere in the past few weeks of the summer I started to "wild out" I started partying up a storm getting crazy drunk and wracking up the numbers. What did that bring, a whole bunch of dudes to talk to on the phone. So when I am finished my 9-5 my second job starts in a few hours thats my 9-12(when the day time minutes start.) In this process I have learned soemthing about myself. And I guess it was never that I wanted a relationship after all it was more that I wanted attention. I wanted that phone to be ringing. (Oh shit done found another flaw.) I fell kind of like I did when I was 22 and hitting up brooklyn cafe every weekend. But why at 28 revert to that time period. Back then I was just entering the scene and I was fresh meat . I would go out every friday and drink like a fish and be drunk as hell. And I was collecting numbers and dating like a fool . It was the first time in my life that I got that attention from anyone. Please let us revisit my past. I was always a fat kid , A fat kid who grew up to be a fat teenager, who grew up to be a fat young adult. I did not enter the scene until I lost massive amounts of weight and that attention I lived for it.

Why have I felt like shit for the past few years, well I wasnt drinking like a fool I wasnt seeing the lifestyle through Hennessey/vodka goggles. Through Vodka goggles the lifestyle looks soo much fun. For the past three years I was feeling it real. I was meeting dudes doing things or not doing things and being dicarded, or disrespected. I guess the stage I am at now is the anacrusis of being jaded. Its the reversion to the old me, the attention starved me . The me who is at this current moment talking to 12 guys. Is that cute, well not really but I was thinking quantity over quality and then maybe some one of quality would come along. Well I guess out of those 12, 5 or 6 of them are quality but am I quality in the process. I have become the man I dislike when I meet some one . I have become hard to reach, inconsistent and a big challenge. Which becomes the thing that keeps them coming after you hmmmm. Its all a game and now I realise why I couldnt get certain dudes and why I wanted them so much, it was all about the chase.

Afew days ago I had one night stand. and I knew it was a one night stand because of how it felt . I met dude at the club we went to his house and did the damn thing . Now that happened under the drunken haze. The real me would never do that. Did I feel cheap afterward ,no. Did I feel discarded afterward, no. Did I even care afterward, no. The anacrusis of being jaded , not giving a fuck. This is not the person I want to be.

I guess India arie said it the best I need to slow down I am really moving to fast. Im covering up and trying to heal the wound of being hurt in the past three years by so many dudes and in some ways I am becoming them. So they who I came to with open heart and mind who got shitted on, now has people coming to me with open heart and mind who I romance from a distance and keep around for my own needs. They give me the attention I want but what am I giving them.

I'm taking a break from drinking and clubbing , no for real . I need to get my mind right, I do not need to become a heartbreaker or the reason some one else becomes jaded.

Im going to slow down.

Goodbye Summer

2007-09-06T21:16:00.000-04:00

"Goodbye summer it seems you have to go I wasnt ready for the autumn winds to blow"

Well I hope I left no one hanging but I dont think I even want to continue the last post . Dude dint call back then when I saw him again he acted like he was interested then not then whatever ( I guess I am speeding through the long drawn out story because I dont care any more, not interested and i have moved on to other things.)

Any how what a summer it was I would have to say this was one of the first summers where I really felt comfortable in my own skin. No I didnt get the six pack, no MY locs werent freshly twisted, and no I didnt look perfect. However I felt good in my skin . I felt like damn I don't need all that shit I'm hot anyhow. And I guess that was a journey that took all to long time to get to. I guess this summer was that time I needed to refocus. This was the time I needed to adjust the antenae so the picture could come in clear. All That said I really had fun . I went to party, after party, after party, and I talked mingled and all .And I realised something, hmmmm when I am feeling good about me I attract alot of people to me. Although none have really materialized into anything it was all good practice. Just what I need to prepare me for the right person. this was the best summer I have had since I was 23 and I am 28 now.

Although the summer is done I guess its ok Im still not ready for the autumn winds but something tells me they are going to bring with them some great things I just know it..... stay tuned.

2 weeks of summer fun part 1

2007-08-26T16:25:00.000-04:00

So we will start off with the thursday, before going to the club I met up with a dude that I had met a few nights previously. Truth be told he was really cute I mean what I really like. We had an amazing make out session. I havent been kissed like that in ages. Somehow I ended up undressed but I had to meet my friend for the club and I wasnt about to diss. Plus sex on the first meeting up not my style. I was going to go to the club and I was intending to leave for dc the next day. But dude definitely left an impression on my mind. He was something I hadn't had in a while , an agressive man. (anyhow I will blog on how all that panned out in the long run some other day)

(I'm going to devote this post to dc)

So I got there and met up with one of my new friends who I was staying with. One of my old friends in dc invited us to a house party. So I ended up playing monopoly and shit and just chilling that night, we also got a little tipsy and talked. I must say it wasnt the club but there was somehting about this that I did like. I was thinking damn if I had a circle of friends like this in NYC then maybe my life would be more balanced . I hate to admit but I spend alot of time alone. Which drives me to spend too much of my time on the adam 4 adam and the bgc but that is another story for another post.

Saturday my friend and I that I was staying with we headed out to the club. We hit up the delta, a club I have been to quite a few times that I have decided I do not like but whatever. I made sure I was drunk . Before going to the club we stopped by another friends house and again we were in the midst of a get together with a circle of friends, shit I am officially jelouse. I have two gay friends here and we aint never having no gathering or doing anything but going to the club together . Well one we talk almost everyday and we do brunch and shit like that but no circle. Any who I got liquered up and ended up making out with one of the other guys that rode with us. Oh lord that shit was hot. I went in the delta and I was doing it up . Never had that much fun in there. But I must admit I was drunk as hell.I got a few numbers kind of kissed a dude in there I was a complete mess.

On the way back my friend had accumulated a friend he followed us back to the crib and to my surprise entered with us. I was thinking hmmmm where is he going to sleep.Well he ended up sleeping in the bed with us , well there was only one bed and no where else to lay. Whatever I was drunk I went to sleep. Any how in my little sleeping I was some what awakened by some movement , then the sound of kissing then seeing my freinds yellow ass. Could it be these dudes are having sex, right next to me . Why I never!!! And I can have a little freak in me but it didn't turn me on in the least bit. I was offended. I would have never guessed they would do that. It was rude and nasty to me for some reason . Hell I probably could have joined in but I was too disgusted. I guess the whole freindship thing overruled. I thought to myself if I had a freind staying over I would never bring a date over. I mean they could fuck some other weekend. And the thing Is I have other places for guest to sleep besides my bed in my apartment and I would never bring a date home . I think thats tacky. Anyhow all this being said I just went right back to sleep. When I woke up again still going on . I said some smart ass comments went back to sleep. I'm sure they continued.

When I woke up I realized that after making out with dude that rode with us to the club I had the biggest purplest hickey ever on my neck but that wasnt goign to throw no salt in my game shiiiit. Funny my friend was doing all the sex and ended up looking like the ho.

So we spent the whole day with jump off dude after awhile he did get tired of my smart ass comments but my issue wasn't with him it was more with my friend who kept blaming it on alcohol. The way I see it though you aren't that drunk if you can get a condom and lube and do the damn thing. When I'm impaired judgement drunk I can not have sex because truth be told fucking a dude I would fall asleep. Now I have done some stuff drunk but hell sex ain't easy drunk (not if you want to do it safely)

So I went to this club R&R the sunday night I was drunk but mildly drunk , I was still tired from the night before. I got a few numbers there, I did very well in dc with the numbers , it was good practice. I then went to B bar after and that was fun also. No one really noticed the hickey on my neck and who cares if they did, I had a great time.

So next I made sure I had a date with one of the dudes before I left dc. And he was so sweet I liked him. He did notice the hickey on my neck and had no problems pointing it out which was funny but we vibed well but its practice. I ended up making it back home mad late , while on the bus I called the guy from thursday ring ring ring no answer hmmm I will leave a message.

Woo lordy

2007-08-14T03:13:00.000-04:00

This boy done worn me out

Ok I know he was too young, point taken. 20 is way to young for me I mean am almost 10 years older then him. But damn homey was sexy I ain't going to lie. Everything was hot however I didn't know kissing him and fooling around would make us connected in a since. The since is he wants me after one day with a passion and my connection is I dont want to break the young boy's heart. He introduced me to his moms, his brother and friends. And we have already had our first disagreement based on PDA . But he lives close and I want to keep shit cool. He has called me about three times today after us meetign up, like I am his man and he wants me to basically drop everything and go spend the night over his house (sidebar: he lives with his moms, they dont have ac, I didn't even see the remnants of a box fan nothing, and I aint trying to be walking over to that side of town this late at night hell nah) He could be a real good mate but he needs to be grown up. He needs to hold his cards and not show it all out in the open. He needs to not let phsyical attraction tell him he wants some one. And I need to date some one older because I know damn well I dont have the energy for this type of shit.

Its all left up to Interpretation

2007-08-13T14:32:00.000-04:00

What a weekend it has been , hell summer for that matter

I think the universe is preparing me for the right man . I feel like he is months, days or weeks away. Why do I feel this way, because I keep bumping in to his prototype. I keep meeting guys that are perfect for me although the intereaction doesnt last long . I think the universe is sending me these warnings because something even better and more perfect is on the way.

It's all left up to interpretation there was a much more negative way I could have said this but the Universe is listening and im going to put some positive energy out there.

to be continued

Just checking in

2007-08-08T11:55:00.000-04:00

Wow what a summer
Well the major event that has happened in the past week is I got the transfer at work that I have wanted for about the past 3 years. I am finally free of that sanctuary of negative energy. I cant even say that I will even call up my former supervisor and officially tell her I am leaving the right way. Honestly I am so done with her and so moved on I dont see the purpose, that chapter is completely closed and all the horror and insanity that I endured is a thing of the past. The secret did really work I honestly did name it and claim it

Besides that I just got off of a weekend of nonstop partying thursday to sunday. Damn did I feel sexy this weeeknd I guess it was a combination of alcohol confidence and a good outfits. But this summer I have really been getting this head together and loving me . Shit its hard but once you start to feel fly you give it off and I must say I am getting a good responce from it but who cares about that shit I just feel good and doesnt matter if they respond or not.

The former love of my life

2007-07-20T04:19:00.000-04:00

I dont know if anyone can relate to this but do you have a guy that you was just in love with back in the day. Like a dude that was your road dog that you just loved to death. Maybe it was just me but I am thinking back to this guy that was my friend, we will call him Bajan. I remember the first time I saw Bajan, when I first got to college, I was a mere 18 (oh shit that was 10 years ago). When I first saw him I had been in boston for about 3 days. I think I saw him walking down the street coming out of the dorms and my heart skipped a beat. He was about 5' 7" with dreds, slender, nice jaw line and just fine as fuck, at that time I had decided "this is the finest dude I have ever seen." Through the grapevine I had heard that he was from new york ( oh yes we have something in common) and then I heard he was roomates with my boy I had went to high school with so it was inevitable we would mingle in the same circles.

Anyhow before I went off to the school I made it my business to be in contact with the on campus black association so I was in attendance for the first meeting and there he was. Yes, I had checked him out from a distance for a few days and even from a distance the man made me tingley . I mean damn I had had a crush before but this was beyond that. Anyway the meeting went on and at the end it was my chance to introduce myself. I went over to him and another dude who would become my roomate the next semester. And I said whats up and I fumbled like a motherfucker actually I stuttered so much so that they asked me to repeat myself (this is so funny how vividly I remember this)

Well from that day on we was road dogs, he, I and the guy who would later be my roomate. I remember how we would talk late at night and he would be talking about some girl who hurt his feelings and I would just want to say "fuck them bitches kick it with me, let me kiss your shinny lips". But at the end of the day I always felt he was gay. I always felt like he felt for me like I felt for him. He was always so happy to see me , he always wanted to hang out and for a good 2 years or so he was the love of my life. I had no interest in trying to meet anyone I had him . Anyhow for a hetero he hardly never was trying to kick it to a woman and he was just too cute to be single like that .

In our third year of school I had decided that our relationship wasn't healthy for me. How long was I going to pine away, so I actively decided to distance myself from him . I stopped calling as much and he was datting this girl who was cool peoples and I had finally kind of gotton over him but occassionally we still had our long talks.

The last thing I remember of significance between us was right before graduation, I had come back to boston for a week (I spent the semster in NYC doing an internship). I didn't call him untill I had already been in town for 2 days he proceeded to tell me " so you was going to be in town and I wasn't going to get to see you" (Huh? what? are we a couple or something?) Then for the whole time I was in Boston, 5 more days he refused to answer any of my phone calls (aw damn my baby was hurt). I really felt like I had fucked up but I also felt like I had finally got the confirmation I needed. Any we got to graduation I saw him there, we didn't really discuss what happened earlier I was happy to see him he was happy to see me. And from what I rememebr that was really the last we saw of each other.

The last time we spoke he called me up about 4 years ago out of the blue and we had made plans to meet up which fell through . When I entered the lifestyle more I kind of let that side of my life fade away but I want it back I want to see what has become of him. Today I decided to look him up on myspace, yes he has an account hasn't been used since february, a blank page with nothing on it . I looked him up on aol and yes there was a picture in his profile , damn it was nice to see him , or what he looks like now. I want to make an attempt to get back in contact with him but im scarrred. I wonder if he ever thinks about me , well I think im going to send him an email , I hope he responds , I wish I could find his damn number but who keeps a number for all those years . I wonder if he still gives off that gay vibe . Im going to find him I will keep you all posted.

The Rodney Experiment

2007-07-13T16:41:00.000-04:00

So I was watching the secret after being sad and lonely for a minute. I have decided that I do want to be in a relationship. So I sat down and wrote it out like the secret tells you to.

I am happy and greatful now that I have.......

And I listed all of the things that I want. Not the things that I dont want but what I do want. The next step is to act as if you already have it and as they say in the secret the universe will hear and see your glow or energy and the universe will correspond to the nature of your song.

So not only do I have it already I named him and his name is Rodney. And with this out look going out to the clubs last night all I got was a lots of smiles and positive energy , that is great lets see where it takes us.

Oh lord I done forgot how fly I was again.

2007-07-10T01:19:00.000-04:00

I was buggin yesterday but I wont delete that post.

So yeah he did call today. And I was out doing other things. Yes I didn't sleep well last night and yes I was still bugging about it today till he called. Now this is not one of those sweet endings stories but it is the end to the story unfortunately. I got back to the crib called him and got the voisemail again. When I spoke to him earlier he said he was away with family thats why he didnt return my calls (pshh whatever)
As we all know the real comes out and at the end of the day I'm too much for him. Wow, just because I know where I want to be one day as far as children and marraige and all those things I am too much for him and we were taking it too fast. So the real is it wasnt about being with family but it was more about sitting back and thinking damn i'm not ready for this dude.

Well truth be told it took me about a minute to dismiss him after that convo via I.M. and I realized once again lonliness got in the way and I forgot just how fly I was ( ie . I can have another you in a minute ). It's not that serious if you want to slow down go right ahead but I'm pretty sure that I do not want to make another bext friend right now. You either want to be potentially something or we could be nothing at all. And if I am too much for you then you can move on because im not going to go back 6 years just to accomodate some one. Im not willing to or interested in changing who I am. So I am back to where I was, lesson well learned, moving right along not skipping a beat.

I am not a ho but I can understand why some one would be one!!!

2007-07-09T01:16:00.000-04:00

hmmmm
I totally understand the hoes now and have been seeing where they come from
(well let me start it where it starts)

The dude from last post I spent all day yesterday with him it was great. We chilled we talked and talked and I was really open. I wasn't feeding him what he wanted to hear or sending in my representative, it was none of that. The time we spent together was great. It had to come to an end that day. He wanted to spend the night I was cool with that at first but there was a sense of hesitation. I was thinking I don't want this to go so fast in a way. There are also many other nigths we can spend together, I'm not going any where. I considered maybe going out after he left but I did not. He called when he got home and all was good.

I called him once today left a message went on with my day and whatever. Went to my moms house came back 7 or 8 hours still no call back . I came home called again left another message and I am left where I am now, with that oh so familiar feeling of hmmmm I guess that one is probably over. I dont know how many times one goes through these kinds of situations before they say fuck it, post some dick pics and call it a day.

That being said
I am not a ho but I can understand how some one else would be one .

So when I go on adam next because in a few days I may have an invetable return, I will raise my fist for the pics I see with dicks in the air and asses in the air because at least they keep it real. They are tired of the games and the lack of communication . They dont wait for some one to call they just move on to the next nut because they have given up , what does love have to do with it.
Now let me go watch "the secret" because I am clearly off course right now.

I exhaled last night

2007-07-07T14:41:00.000-04:00

I mean wow
Well I have been doing bgc hard these days. There was a dude on there I met from adam and he stated hitting me up again. I have been extremely reluctant to meet up with him because basically he never really sent me a pic. i mean not one I could tell what he looked liek from anyhow. well yesterday out of sheer boredom I decided to exchange numbers with him. I always kept in mind that he does live close. We talked and I just had diarhea of the mouth (my elementary teachers always called it that). I was telling dude everything about me , stuff I really dont tell people anymore I talked about the hoe and heartbreak days alike. He listened he commented , all I could think is damn we would make good friends in the least bit.

I decided we would meet up later, my homegirl came over and we chilled ended up going out to eat . In the back of my mind I was thinking oh no I hope dude doesn't call because I dont even have my phone on me. Any how he didnt call until I was in about 10 mintues of getting to my house. We talked and my hesitation set in again at almost 11 pm he was asking me if I wanted to come over and chill. For some reason I was like aight lets go .

He lives close but not a place I have ever been on the way over. I almost had a panic attack because a rat was walking across my pathway. oh boy on top of my nervousniss this boy is going to hear me have a panic attack. Anyhow I got to the building and I waited downstairs , I was nervous as fuck. Bam in he comes and my inner mental jaw dropped. But I didn't go crazy I didn't know if he liked me or even thought I was cute .

Well we chilled in the house watched tv the whole time im thinking oh man does he like me I dont know. So I did what I do best I just played it cool. We talked a little and then I got really into the tv that was until he hit me in the head with his pillow and I threw it back and everytime I got to into the tv he hit me in the head again. And he kept hitting me in the head till I got the message. (ding dong) He wants my attention. I gave it to him, first it started looking at his finger nails and I talked to him real close, I looked in his eyes I was right there with him I mean right there.
Oh shit
oh shit
something in happening here

for some reason I burried my head in his neck and he sure did smell good

I did that two more times and he burried his head in mind I knew this was the prelude to a kiss.

The next time was a kiss. an upside down kiss . Damn that shit was good, I felt what I have been wanting to feel for the longest ****tingly**** hell yeah and I exhaled..........

I owe the Chicago trip post

2007-07-03T14:54:00.001-04:00

Hmmm

Well im not one to run down every event so I guess I will summerize it. I will start by saying the beginning of the trip was cute. Even the first night where the club was empty I was talking to people and being social actually the whole trip I was talking to strangers , nice strangers. Even Lois the tranny who we bumped into who my detroit buddy made fun of . I personally though of Lois as hmmm, I have come a long way I stood there and conversed with Lois casting no judgement she was quite a character although she invaded personal space she seemed to have a good spirit and thats all that matters at the end of the day. But 4 years ago I would have been scared to even have a convo lol.

The majority of the trip was spent in traffic. My main issue with the whole trip was thier was a cloud of negativity looming over it and no matter how much I tried to lighten the mood even after my contacts were washed down the drain my Detroits friend that could of negativity was not leaving . My boy Detroit wasnt feeling the club thing, and i guess i can understand that . Everyone doesnt embrace that aspect of the culture like I do. I think one of my high lights of the trip was the last day when I went to the festival. Although I was all alone I just love to see our people outside of the club. All I could think to myself is damn It must be great to be str8 because they live in this setting always. Anyhow I met this dude from adam there at first I felt as though I wouldnt be attracted to him because well.... his voice was kind of high but I met up with him anyhow and thank god I did. We had such a nice date and he really began to turn me on with his intelligence and the level of conversation we had. He was real cool people . When we shook hands before he left all I could think was damn I want to fuck him. I went back to the hotel and didn't feel liek doing the train to go to the club so I fell asleep thinking about the hot sex we could have had lol ( it s the summer im so horny this is not me talking its the horny me talking excuse it)

Get out of jail free card

2007-05-02T23:12:00.000-04:00

Well I think me and my friend had our last discussion. He wanted to know why it is that I dont innitiate us hanging out and to be honst I couldn't even think up and answer. Well I guess it wasn't not being able to think up and answer but it was more of not being able to think up an answer that wouldnt hurt his feelings. After me not answering the question he was done with the conversation he said he would call me later but that didnt happen. He has been practicing the art of distancing himself from me and I think he is making a good decision. I sold him a lemon, well not really I never really sold him anything. I pretty much maintained a show of inconsistency and he pretty much figured his percistence could change everything. He is a sweet dude I want to end this in a respectful way I just don't really know how to. In the beginning he told me he doesn't need another friend so would it really matter how respectful I end this its not like we will ever really talk again. I hope I didnt hurt his feelings. I dont want the karma but shit the pass few years, what I have been dealing with in dating I feel like I'm at a karma deficit so it should all work out lol.

Gay Only

2007-04-30T20:13:00.000-04:00

Damn I am tired of faking the funk
And I really do believe in the laws of attraction. How can I attract realness and authenticity to myself when I dont keep it real or authentic.At the end of the day a lie is a lie and being dishonest is being dishonest.
What brings this all to the surface, well im tired of trying to play it in the straight world. I have flaked on my homegirl two weeks in the row because I can't find a way to tell her I really do not want to go to straight clubs with her on the regular like we do sometimes. She is not as interested in rolling with me to a gay club. When I go to a straight club I feel like I am taken back to when I was in college and I was at those clubs and parties. The work straight men have to go through at a club for even the most broke down bitch is rediculous. I mean all these heffers be acting crazy. Plus I only prefer to do black clubs because to be honest the sisters know how to admire a nubian prince like myself. Any way I like to go to gay clubs I will admit. I like to dance with boys and I have fun feeling free to be and do me . I wish homegirl could understand. Gay only wouldnt be a bad idea. I mean there are some gay people who dont even have straight friends. Wow that is something that I could not imagine because most if not all of my friends are straight . And because of my field of work they are straight women. Those broads want to know way too much information and I'm tired of the lying and the double life living. It is very frustrating , if all my freinds were gay like other gay people do it wouldnt be an issue but I am way too outgoing to not get to know the peopel I am working around in any situation . The closer and closer I come to turning thirty I begin to understand people whose lives only revolve around the gay world.

It's wet in here

2007-04-16T00:27:00.000-04:00

Well it rained like hell today and my apartment is very flooded and that basically helped my day to be pretty much a waste of time. I sat here and swept water out, talked to the landlord a million times and it was a useless day. Im tyring to use the laws of attraction to will me to have a great day tomorrow.
Also I spent alot of the day talking to my new friend. As a result of our blow up a few days ago I learned so much about him. I Like this man I must admit but damn we are too totally different people. He's good though but he is finally showing himself and damn he is a spoiled brat he likes it his way I keep wondering is that something I can deal with. The other issue is that he has expressed to me that I am the only one he is talking to and that is how he operates and again I operate a totally different way. And he stopped short of saying that if he knew I was dating others he would be hurt. And I basically said nothing. I am not really dating others but I am still leaving my options open and god forbid he found out I was on adam. But shit this is who I am and we arent in a relationship so I do not owe him certain information like this. This is a strange situation because I have never had to tell some one who I trully am. But then again I do not have to tell him yet and yes I do still have the urge to date other people but no one treats me the way he does..........

My Stomach is in knots

2007-04-10T21:28:00.000-04:00

I dont know why but I am buggin right now
My vacation is officially over and its time to go back to work. I am prepared but I just don't feel like going. I am trying to feel good about it but its not working. Oh god give me the strength to make it through the next 2 and a half months.

Another Issue
Me and dude I was talking to got into a bit of an argument yesterday. Basically he wanted me to come over and I didn't want to, I wanted to do something else and he wasn't accepting no for an answer and I wasnt going to tell him yes. Well his feelings were hurt I ended up bulshitting the time away and now I am thinking did I do the wrong thing. I don't know if it was him that I wanted but I do know I am feeling sepreation anxiety over the whole situation. Damn why can't a motherfucker have his cake and eat it too everyone else does. I am so fucking selfish right now it is not even funny. Should I call should I wait it out. Should I let him go if I am not sure if that is what I want to do. Well it looks like I may not have the chance to make that decision because he seems to be letting me go (Well I'll be damned.)

I hope I can get some sleep tonight, it may be a tylenol pm night.

Im going to Throw it Back for a minute

2007-04-10T11:29:00.000-04:00

So my 28th birthday was on saturday
In honor of my birthday my mom had me and my brother (my twin ) over for dinner. Everything was great. I am getting used to all of these extra people that are becoming a part of our family. Namely my older brothers girlfreind/baby mama, her son, my new nephew and my other brother's girlfreind. On past occassions these people all made me nervous and made me think I never have anyone to bring home. Anyhow a pivitol moment in the whole day for me was looking at old pictures. I hadnt seen some of these pictures before. One of the pictures that stood out to me most was one of myself standing on the sidewalk near my moms old apartment. The picture was taken probably a few months after I had first started my locs. At the time I was about 21 and that picture took me way back. All I could do is think of who I was and how I felt at that moment.

Who was I at 21. Well I was a good 50-60 pounds more then I weigh now and it really showed. I never thought that was what I looked like. Seeing that picture made me want to cry . At that time I was so closed in and really kept myself away from the world. There was really no life in me . I was shy, I was to myself and I had no life. And on top of all that I was gay . Not only was I feeling like an outcast in the straight world because of my sexuality but in the gay world I would have also been an outcast because of my weight. What an ax to bear. I had no desire to even explore the gay world because all I would hear was no fats, when I saw adds. I was so sad and depressed at that time and all that was written all over my face in that picture.

I have come a long way. I didn't enter the gay world until I lost weight and even after losing so much there was still more to go because I felt I had to fit a certain image. Eventhough I have never gained back the weight I first lost I still struggle with a good 20 pounds. I have just entered a space where I feel as though I am not going to stress over those 20 pounds. I am not fat any longer. And I am also not going to measure myself by a standard that is not too attainable for me. My genetic make up makes it hard for me to be rail thin and cut up like the rest of the gay community but I am who I am and I am still hot to death.

Being closer to 30 is hot to death, I am really beginning not to care what people have to say or think. It is really making since these days .

Now what do i do

2007-03-28T21:41:00.000-04:00

hmm
It has been so long since I 've gotten to more then just the first few introductory dates with a dude. I think the last time I consitently went out with some one and talked to them for more then a month must have been more then three years ago. Oooo shit , what has been going on with me. Any how I met this dude about six weeks ago and you know what I like him. But this is a different like, I like the person who he is; the whole package. Its not the same as others but that is where the problem lies. he isnt a pretty boy looks are not what draws me into him so does that mean I am not attracted, I don't know. My issue is now what do I do. After spending so much time, I feel like in a month or so's time the next step will be addressed. How will I tell him I don't know if I want to be in a relationship. I enjoy him alot but I also enjoy the freedom of being single right now. Damn I forgot how this felt I used to always have this problem when was it that it all stopped and why I am wondering (well I guess some where along the way I started telling people I don't want to be in a relationship.) I must say I feel like I am selling him a lemon; building it up to let him down and I don't even know how to get into the conversation so my views can be expressed properly. I don't want him to go yet.....

Emergency room rant

2007-02-07T18:23:00.001-05:00

Here I am again sitting in the emergency room. I am sick as hell and it is at times like this that I really realize how alone I am. Hell I came here by myself I'm going to leave by myself and this shit sucks. Why am I going through this, well in short because I put so many things before myself. I dont have a doctor haven't gotten a checkup in the new millenium. If i had a doctor I could have just gone to his office instead I sit here occassionally falling asleep thinking they called my name while I was knocked out. This place is gross there was blood on the floor in the bathroom (ill yuck nasty.) All I need is a doctor to write me a letter so that I can take a few more days off work because this stomach virus or whatever hasn't run its course.
It's so funny how all the things that cloud my time (like work and trying to find a date) take a backseat when I am throwing up everything I eat. Well I have been here for two hours so far , damn I should have told them I was having an asthma attack (well not a bad idea I wish I could wease on command then I would be all set)

Wedding , New Baby's and Funerals the gay perspective

2007-01-30T21:27:00.000-05:00

These three things have been going on in my life lately. And i look at them so differently I think what do these major events look like in a gay man's life

Weddings
Hmmm a coworker of mine just got married a few months ago and i attended the wedding. It something about married folks i just cant relate to. Hell i have hardly even been in a long term relationship before. But I must admit Weddings kind of make me sad. I think will there ever be a time in my life when i can express my love in such a manner . In a way that every one is happy for me and everyone is happy for me every one that I care about.

New Babys
My brother is about to be a father again and this weekend that past I found myself at his baby shower. Boy did I feel out of my element. That sheer joy he had to be bringing this new life in the world looked great. I can't wait to see what my new nephew will look like. But will always being an uncle work for me. But on one hand there was some eye candy at the baby shower I was trying to watch my brother's friend all night he was chocolate sexy. yummy with those pants hanging way low I was trying to get a glimpse of his boxers but it wasn't happening.

Funerals
I heard a comedienne talk about how no one cares when a single person dies. And he had some rationale. Single people dont leave behind children or a distraught spouse. Your mother will cry but pretty much the world will pick up where it left off with out youwith alot less damage then when a family man dies. What about when a single gay man dies........

Who is mike

2007-01-29T22:56:00.000-05:00

Well I'm not sad to say this but this weekend was interesting. I went out and partied friday and saturday. I guess the most interesting part was I hooked up, yes again but it has been two weeks since the last time (I had to let my dick breathe for a minute) I guess in some aspect I have given up on my previous notion that I will wait and keep my life clean of jumping off in a means of only allowing potential suitors in my life. Well reality check its not happening. Anyhow the liquor turns me into a rockstar. And that rockstar side feels sexy and just does it up on some crazy shit. So I did hook up with a dude, a latin dude and damn was it hot . We didnt have sex because face it I dont do that but what we did do was hot . Not sure if I even came all I remember was waking up with him sleep on top of me. And I kept waking up and looking at his back and Mike was tatoed on it and all I could think was why the hell would some one tatoo mike on their back and I kept thinking im going to ask him who Mike is when we wake up. Well low and be hold it's a good thing that I didn't ask because he used my phone to check his messages and when I looked to see where he dialed...... he was Mike. Boy oh boy did I feel like ___________(fill in the blank).

Jump off rule #1 (I wrote this on the train.)

2007-01-15T16:02:00.000-05:00

The occassional hook up. Hmm do people realize that there are actual rules. I mean I think I am a great catch but right now nothing is really throwing it's bait to me so I figure whats wrong with jumping off every now and then. I mean why even be in the lifestyle if you can not afford yourself that luxury. I mean to me jumping off is just some straight up let me get this shit out of my system right quick so I can go on with my day(for the record I don't have sex it's more like messing around.) As a result of the negative connotation involved I almost never do it but sometimes a brother needs to get off (sidebar: this boy sitting across from me is so hot he is nibbling on home girls neck yummy, I'm going to stop for a sec so I can admire.)( I'm back damn I could use some chocolate like that in my life but too young, that's I D checking young, shit I digress, I'm always getting distracted)
Jumping off yeah it amazes me the person I become after the climax. Sometimes I wish there was an eject button on my bed and in the middle cumming I could press it so when my senses return they are no longer there. Any how they never leave thats why I dont do it as much. Don't people realise when they stay to watch a t.v. show and get all comfortable they are breaking jump off rule #1 ( start puting on your clothes and shoes and hat and coat when its over. Don't get all relaxed I don't know you like that you are making me uncomfortable.) If I wanted to talk and get to know you we would have gone out to dinner or some corny shit like that.(damn this is a whorish sounding blog.) (I will get back to watching sexual chocolate over here, wow he is wearing yellow gold thats very brazen.)

Oh Damn that was a good weekend

2007-01-11T21:01:00.000-05:00

Wow it is already 2 weeks into 2007
And I keep on thinking back to the last weeknd of 06. I had so much fun . It was one of those weekends of clubbing. I went out to several clubs with my boy from detroit that was visiting and boy did we have fun. I am not sure that he had as much fun as I did but for a minute I was starting to feel like the old me.
Off and on I keep on reencountering the old me. The me that weighed a good 10 -20 more pounds then I do now, that would walk up to the flyest guy in a club and say whats up. Not only would I say whats up but I would dance with him and get his number. Those were the days when I wasflavor of the moment.
What took me out of flavor of the moment staus , millions of things. Mainly getting my feelings hurt. I could think back to the first few guys who hurt my feelings and damn that shit still stings today. I rememebr the one dude I used to call every single day at 9:01 and he never had time to chill and but always was up for some convo.Damn was he sexy, he had bad breathe but I let that slide. Any how when I relaized I was calling him all the time I decided to let him call me and well what happened next is he never called. And I was crushed. A month later I decided to go call him back and he gave a story about moving to connecticut. Maybe he really did maybe he didnt but how hard would it have been for him to tell me he just wasn't interested. well that put up a few bricks.
Then I met my ex a few months after that and he killed all thoughts of that dude but he to hurt my feelings when he made it very clear I wasnt worth his time. Or better yet I wasn't worth him putting some time into . Well that was some bricks and cement.
Then there was the dude I dated who I though was so fly only problem was he couldn't hold to a date, always cancelling . Truth be told he had a man which I found out way latter. But over the 5 hour phone calls I had really let him into my life and it hurt when I realised I was being played. brick brick brick brick
But two week ends ago I felt like me again, no I wasn't floating all over the club like I did back in the day but I didn't feel insecure. Something about getting your feelings hurt that it can kill your self confidence . After all these situations I began to be more obsessed with how I looked and I had no clue it would get worse. I faced so much rejection after that i began to feel as though I was busted. But im starting to feel like the old me again and the old me attracts a different type of people

damn that was a fun weekend even though it damn near wore me out with all that clubbing. I'm starting to realize though that you have to be in it to win it. I will meet no one staying at home doing nothing.
Sidebar: On New Years me and my boy stayed at a club for 7 hours I think that was a record. But man it also felt good to be around a friend, a good friend to bring in the New Years with.

What 2007 means to me.

2007-01-07T12:46:00.000-05:00

HMmm . I can't help but feel like I am awakening from a coma. I think for the last two years I have gone on extremely unhappy and turning like the wheels in a big machine. Although I can't place the unhappiness on one thing I think that I had to hit rock bottom before I picked myself up and started that introspection thing. Is 2007 a new beginning, no its a continuation. I started over a few months ago. So many things 2007 means to me. So many things I said was going to stop or change let me list some things and discuss.

1) 5 years of being single if I make it to the summer it will be 5 years that I have not had a significant other. There have been some opportunities I gave up on, but I have been single as a dollar bill for the most part. I still remember how he felt though , I still remember how when we made love how I felt all that tingly but I think to myself in hindsight was it real or all in my head because as I search for something new I look for something or some one that makes me feel like he did and all the things that have happened since then I have rarely felt it ( well I did twice in Atlanta but shit that was in Atlanta doesn't count.)

2) 2 years with out sexual intercourse (If I make it to July that is), hmmm well I don't know that that is all so accurate but I'm running with it. I have never turned down so much sex in my life what the hell am I thinking . well mainly I don't want any ones deceases or any ones wack sex. (side bar: later for all that I gotta fuck this year.)

3)My 5th year at my job .. When I started I said I would only do 5 years and I so feel like the Divine intervention in my life is telling me to move on so why should I fight, I am just going to go where he leads me and he is leading me somewhere else. I realised I can't change the world and sacrifice my own dreams at the same time its never going to work out in my favor.

4) I brought in the past 3 New Years with the same friend. The first New Years we did I was drunk and throwing up on a park bench ( not a good way to bring in the New Year). The second New Years I was at a wack ass party we left early. The third New Years was the worse , we went to a gay club that he brought his straight friend too who he didn't tell it was a gay club and dude was alright till the stripper started sucking his own dick lol. Anyhow he left me out in the cold to go hang at some White boy spot (I don't do white boy spots I did enough keg parties in College. I have earned the right to discriminate, believe me.) Any how this ex-friend has been at the top of my thoughts a lot lately. In the beginning, the ending of our friend ship didn't mean much to me but I definitely feel a void now . It's funny how money can kill a friendship. Well it wasn't money it was the way he disrespected me when the issue of money came into play. I can't be friends with him again, how do you forgive some one who doesn't apologize. Any how it's always weird when I see him out just like I did on New Years. I know we will never be friends again but I wonder is there some way to kill that tension shit that I feel when I see him because I don't need that . I know my money is gone and the lesson is learned I'd like to just erase the whole situation and not act as if we never knew each other.

5) I'm starting to pull myself together. I am returning to who I used to be . I am no longer walking around looking scruffy and unkept. I am ironing doing the laundry more often and making an attempt to keep my house together whether or not some one is coming to visit.

6) Getting to dating , well I realised i don't have time to be at every club doing that thing although I have met some people out there so I joined the gay myspace ( adam4adam) again. It is entertaining I just wish I could be as free as I used to be but I guess it will take a while to demolish all the bricks.

Happy New Years to me

I decided to have a new years resolution. It was to not buy into the insanity and to create my own happiness.

I must like him

2006-11-19T18:22:00.000-05:00

Hmmm
Well we were supposed to go out today but my dumb ass I got drunk last night and forgot to call and I slept through his calling me today. I left him a message about 3 hours ago and text him and all I am thinking right now is he is upset with me and doesnt want to call me back. Fuck, I must like him because I care. Damn I hope he calls I think we may be able to have something special one day as long as he takes sometime to understand how I work and that I am giving some effort in getting to know him I'm just bad at dating and getting to know some one. Tecnically I'm still in my teenage stages of the lifestyle. Damn I hope he calls.

Is there something better out there

2006-11-18T12:41:00.000-05:00

Hmmm
This I think is the main issues that has kept me single for going on 4 years now. So many times now I can look back at some good guys I let go by because I was looking for something better out there. If I had sat down for a minute and chilled with certain cats for a minute I would have realised I had better and what was out there may have looked better if I ever saw it but what looks great usually isn't to good for me.
I can always be one to say there is nothing out there but I can sit here and count numerous times when I had a good man standing in front of me just wanting to have some focus from me and I was blowing off spending time with him because I was in a search for something better. Usually I never met better and he eventually goes away and finds a boyfriend and we may become friends afterward and I am aptly informed on how great things are going while so called better is long gone and I realise the person I let go was better much better then what was out there. So if their is anyone to blame for my long standing single hood it is me. Then again I guess it's a learning process. If I hadn't loss out so often would I really know what to want right now.

A Date with my DVR

2006-11-10T20:44:00.000-05:00

Hmmm well lately I have been trying to date and dating is some real shit up in NYC. I mean I went on two dates this week. The first one was with a dude I met in the summer whom I just am going on the second date with in November, hmm go figure. Any how it was an at home date and I must be honest it was an experience. It opened my mind up to some new realities. One is I don't like freaks . I will admit it I am an anti-freak. The things they do are nasty and nasty is how people catch diseases and some shit is just unsanitary, ilk I wont do it, not interested. I will be first in line for the test trials for the body condom (I hope that the only wholes in it are for the nostrils.) Anyway another reality was I really realize how I don't like to be touched illlll I wanted to punch dude in the face because I told him to stop and he wouldn't motherfucker stop. Stop means stop you don't have the right to rape my skin.

Date number 2 hmmm met him after work he was aight. I don't know that I feel tingly, the tingly factor is on 0. When I met him though the tingly was off the chain but I had had a few drinks in me and there was some close dancing and a different look. People look so different in the day light and in work clothes.Plus he had on a trench coat and that always makes me think that the person is a part time flasher. But he is a nice dude and maybe the tingly will return. Only problem is he is friends with one of my Arch Nemisi but whatever we will see. Shit why does it make a difference we hardly know each other.

Anyhow the best date I had this week was with my dvr. I am feeling so Miranda Hobbs right now but I just love my dvr and don't know how I got along with out it. It only lets me down every now and then ( when a show leaks over past the record time and I don't get the ending or to see what is going to happen the next week.) My DVR dates usually include some of my favorites The Office , Earl, Oprah, Ugly Betty, Cheaters and the list goes on. My Dvr even gives me the tinglys sober , the black dude on 6 degrees yummy ( looks like the show will probably be canceled but I like it a lot)

What makes me smile

2006-10-16T20:43:00.000-04:00

The past month has been crazy hectic but I cant say I have been upset . I am doing a job assignment I wouldnt have chosen. I am almost never on top of things but im far from giving up I feel somewhere that I will get on top of things. Anyhow I have been lately trying to steer away from the negative and I'm just going to take a moment to list the things that make me smile because sometimes I forget that if I want to be happy all I have to do is smile and make myself happy.
(in no particular order)
1) listening to music
2) a good conversation with a close freind where you dont want it to end it but have to because the conventions of time are forcing you to.
3) Sipping on coffee collecting my thoughts at 6 soemthing in the morning.
4) My students (seeing that light bulb go off, making them smile, knowing that they know I care )
5) Going out by myself. With out all the drama and shadiness. I like the times when I lose that whole insecure bubble and could care less how many eyes are on me or not.
6) S.O.B.S. ( I love that spot especially sol village it inspires me once a month and keeps me dreaming that one day I will actually find myself on a stage again living the dream.)
7) Waking up to a good gospel song one that is so good that it makes me sing in the groggy voice and I am not a morning person so thats alot.
8) Going out to manhattan alone with no particular thing to do but enjoy the city.
9) Indian Food
10) Soul Food
11) Looking up Stupid shit on myspace like people who I went to high school with you. Its funny how that girl that used to sit behind me in math has such huge ass titties now damn that shit was bugging me out. And to see all the people who looked better in HS then they do now 10 years later , I'm soo glad thats not me, its definently the other way around.

Abolish the "N" word

2006-09-18T00:27:00.000-04:00

Hmmm (I'm making a non love and relationship type post hold your breath)

I can't say how passionate I am about this word being taken from the mouth of people in general. As African-Americans we have allowed ourselves to really buy into one of the oldest tricks in the book. Our minds have been so brainwashed and trained that we believe that we can turn one of the most hurtful terms in our existence into a term of endearment. After visiting the abolish the n word website (www.abolishthenword.com) a few months ago I was totally changed. I remember how it would sting my ears when I heard a non-black person using this word as a term of endearment. When I was in college I spent so much time schooling white Minnesota mofos. In some cases people don't mean much by it but the word being said in my presence stings my ears . I have been teaching for 5 years now and have been teaching my students how ignorant it sounds, at the end of the day I get them to not say it around me but when they go home and hear it 24/7 my explanation as to why not to say it falls on deaf ears.

Black brothers and sister is it so serious. Is it such a necessity to use this harmful word. Is it necessary to disrespect the lineage from which you come to just be able to use a word. I don't even accept the Chris Rock usage of the word ( there are black people and N*****). I call ignorant people what they are which is ignorant I do not call them the name that whitey used to sell us on the auction block, or the name whitey called us when he was burning us as we hung from a tree choking with our genitals stuffed in our mouths while the whole town watched this heartless and inhumane spectacle. So remember every time you say the word you are tying the nuse around your own ignorant ass neck and doing just what whitey wants us to do and that's buy into the way he has decided we should see ourselves. He doesn't have to call us ignorant we call ourselves ignorant everyday in such an endearing way.

Atl Black Gay pride

2006-09-09T12:51:00.000-04:00

Wow what a way to end the summer I'll run it down day by day

Friday..
Rushed out of work after a long ass stressful day jumped on the plane , had a little cough but I was like fuck won't let that affect the fun. Got to the atl and something about being in atl always calms me , well I guess something about being anywhere that's not NYC that calms me. Anyhow we got in town mad late so we literally got to the hotel showered and headed off to the club . We made sure we got passes to all the lions den shit and we stayed in there host hotel which was hot. The club that night hmmm was a little weak but the fun was had when we got back to the hotel and in the let out of 708. I saw this dude I'm feeling in atl who I affectionately consider my atl boyfriend (although he is not my b.f. or any way near being my b.f.). After chilling in the let out we headed back to the hotel. In my flirtatious mode I started talking to this dude in the hallway he was cute he told us to come back to his room and we did out of sheer curiosity. Before we knocked on the door we heard some strange voices and accents and such anyhow I knocked anyway and they let us in. Come to find out they were Ethiopian, never met an Ethiopian before and here I was sitting with 4 gay Ethiopians . The ring leader who I met in the hall was quite funny and ready , he kept turning out the lights but we wasn't trying to get down with that but they were very interesting.

Saturday.....
Woke up late but we headed out hit upthe mall and the pool party where I was to find my LA boyfriend (not my bf at all but we like each other and had a beautiful time when we met in Chicago about a year ago). The issue we had at that moment was hmmm he is crazy about me and I was not feeling the same about him a year later he still gives me a little bit of the tingleys, but he needs to put a filter on his mouth. I hate when people haven't learned that there are things you say and don't say. Any how with both dudes there I knew at some point I would have to choose one or the other to chill with because the itinerary in atl left little time to chill with both . So the club that night was at the convention center which was huge and dudes really wasn't vibing much due to all that space. Every one was in their little click doing there own thing but it was cool I enjoyed chilling with my friends . At some point during this day we had picked up a hanger on in the hotel. Basically I had seen him the night before and he noticed me showing my boy his ass so we started talking and he came to visit our room on Saturday and just wouldn't leave he went with us to the club and even spent the night in the hotel with us because his boy was getting busy in his room. Anyhow best believe I squeezed the booty but nothing too serious went down plus when he left. I was like its all good wont be seeing him anymore he wore out his welcome but he was a youngin and I guess his peoples was wack or whatever.

Sunday.......
Began to realize this shit is about to be over and started getting sad but I met up with one of my boys from NYC and my boy I was there with and we had so much fun that day at Piedmont park. The club that night was cool, funny how many NYC people I saw out there. Saw LA boyfriend there he was still talking the same ol bullshit , he basically wanted me to ditch my people and ride off into the sunset with him and I couldn't do that I'm not that type of person . The difference was atl boyfriend understood that. LA boyfriend was really losing me and in a way he was calling a me a slut on the sly and I wasn't feeling that and pretty much the negative energy got him the cut ( any negative mofos in my life they get the cut with the quickness now adays don't want it don't need it.)

Monday...
It was time to leave but before I left I spent time with my atl boyfriend ahhhhh how sweet we went out to lunch and we vibe well . I think I want to move to atl if not for good then just for a few years . Not for dude though but just because I need a change of pace so I guess I will spend the next few months trying to figure that out.

General observations.....

So much ass, I mean everyone's ass was out it was like booty city it was great, I renamed the city Asslanta.

whuts up with that cheerleading step team thing that they do in atl , what's that whole scene about ?

I was wondering is there a way to chill with your entourage and still look like you are available because the entourage turns so many people away.

what's the purpose of pride celebrations?
I will say that what I get out of it is like its this one weekend where I can be out of the city and away and feel like its ok to be me and at the same time see other people like me. I get off on seeing the variety and the similarities that let me know while on my day to day I feel alone but in reality there are more like me out there. I know some people do prides to hook up and bust as many nuts as possible but I'm not on that kick I don't need to go away to bust random nuts.

What about your friends

2006-08-28T03:14:00.000-04:00

I hear when you get closer to thirty you start to care less about what others think. And I had some evil spirits around me. The two friends I lost were people I talked to on a daily basis. One was a self centered DL wanna be who didn't know his ass from his elbow. His confusion and adamant professions of "I am not gay" were classic but for a person who was sure of themselves like me I always felt a twinge of judgment in that. In him being so against who he was he was also saying that being that was probably the worse then on earth and so if I know I am gay what does that make me. In the end I believe his decision to distance himself from me was based on his need to validate his DL lifestyle and instead of me questioning his decision I did something that would work better for me, I let him go. Grown folks can make their own decisions no matter how fucked up they may be I was there for him through it all. I always had his back but when I needed friends around the time of my grandmothers death and all the issues I went through around spring time he was no where to be found but the people who have been rolling with me from day one were and they know what's up.

My other ex friend we had a serious falling out after going away on vacation together. I admit this was maybe and opportunity for us to really get to know each other eventhough he did call me his best friend back then. The trip was interesting I definately did wild out I will admit that got white boy drunk and did some crazy shit but hell that's what you do on vacation. Anyhow I also didn't want to jump up and do everything he wanted to do , there was definately a tug of war between the two of us. Even the fact that I take naps became an issue. I'm not 21 anymore and he still seems to be stuck in keg party, corny ass "hey bro" black/whiteboy mode. Any way I also felt that evil judgment coming form him that is common between us black gay males. I remember trying to pick and outfit one night and he basically told me nothing in my suitcase was suitable. I am not about that , no labels, not a fashion whore and I think I look better sometimes when I keep it simple. Anyhow the whole incident hurt my feelings. On top of that were the weight comments. Now I am not fat, but when you hang with these skinny anorexic bitches who have six pack and ask you if they look fat they can be problematic. Anyhow he told me one night after I was white boy drunk that I look so bloated and I was like wtf are we women, I mean, I was thinking what kind of men have this kind of discussion . And besides that he seemed to never need to eat and the fact that I needed at least 2 meals a day was a problem. Well couldn't wait for the vacation to end and our friendship ended over financial issues. We don't even say hello to one another anymore (that may be mainly my fault because when I am really mad a people I say nothing to avoid blowing up on them and making a scene because I have a crazy side and that's the best way I can keep it in check.) But I'm happy he is gone he was so negative always telling what I needed to fix or change and sadly enough I went with some of these things thinking they were for the better but what was for the better was for me to be me. He is gone and I don't miss him , I miss my other friend a little but he's grown. I think they will both realize what they lost one day but I doubt I will be open to rekindle our friendship. A part of me getting out of my fuck this summer was getting over that.

Hmmm It was nice

2006-08-23T03:15:00.000-04:00

Well I had the date. It was about 2 hours off schedule but I had it . I would say it was nice I had good conversation with dude. We kept our clothes on , which was great , their wasn't even a good night kiss. It was all good I'm ready to do this again yes. I would say we had a great vibe going but you know what I have no clue where it will go and that is a great thing , I also don't care, in the least I hope we can be good friends. I must admit dude had some sexual magnetism. He had a look he gives that says "lets fuck" with out him saying it , but he's not about that he is really trying to get to know me in a respectful way so I'm with it

My club schedule for the week hasn't worked out to well but I will be back by Thursday. I'll see what I can get into at Luke and Leroy because lord knows I got into some stuff last week and to think that dude didn't even call, thank god didn't want him too lol. I dare him to try to hog my time this week , no chance I will definetely be in my sunglasses mood.
damn I want to have another date like tomorrow I can do this I really can
sidebar: when you are trying to get back into dating and meeting cool people is it ok to jump off , with one of the jump off type people because damn I aint got none in 13 months and rolling the dice doesn't work any more , I swear if I did it it would be once and it would help me clear my mind and I'd be all good . (If some one reads this blog besides me respond.)

1st date of the "new year."

2006-08-22T13:00:00.000-04:00

So one of the dudes I met on the train I will be meeting up with him for the first time tonight. Our first phone conversation lasted a few hours so that is a good sign I guess. I must say I am a bit nervous because since re-entering the dating scene we have crossed a few things I had decided I wasn't going to do. The first one was talk about ex's. Some how our convo went there and I think bringing the ex convo in prematurely is a bad thing but it wasn't my move it was his and I don't know how to stop some one from going there. The next issue is he wants this to be an indoors date and hmmm I hate those kinds of dates. The last dude who I had a horrible experience with I didn't realize he wasn't even my type until we went out together and I said to myself this cat is not even official at all. Even on a day when I am kind of being bummy about my look I still look presentable but I didn't realize he wasn't official because I had only chilled with him at his place . Had we gone on a date and he had shown up the way he was that one time we went out loneliness or not I doubt things would have gone where they did. Any way fuck him he's evil. I'm nervous about the at home date because I haven't had sexual intercourse in 13 months and I'm weak , very weak. My theory on the at home dates is people usually end up fooling around because they run out of things to do and as men we are always horny. I think I will roll the dice (take your right hand out and act as if you are rolling dice you will get it) before we meet up just to ensure nothing will happen, hmm good idea I'm going with that. Will update the blogger world on what happens.

Top 10 Why I Nevers of the moment

2006-08-21T20:09:00.000-04:00

(replace the 3 dots with "Why I Never")

Wait first the back story , some how I have taken this thing to fit everything and I think I have personally transformed "Why I Never" into a manly statement I usually say it with the evil face that includes teeth clenched and fist balled up.

1)Muslim brothers selling bootleg DVD's on the train... (isn't there some kind of conflict in that , and I thought they were supposed to be better then the rest of us. They need to just keep to black soap , incense, oils and Bean Pies.)

2) Fanny Packs... (I can't do it man I'm sick of it and I have been ranting about them for a good 8 years now it has to stop and the summer just really brings them back.)

3) That blue tooth shit in every ones ear... (There is a women at my job that walks around with it all day , aint nobody trying to call her ass. People need to stop it, so what u got blue tooth nobody cares.)

4) The Black Gay Illuminati... (You know who I'm talking about the infamous clicks that seem to be in the middle of everything. I don't know, I have always been against clicks I always thought it was cool to not blend in and to not seek acceptance but to be you and people will learn to accept it and in most cases envy you for it. And also since when did gay people become so elitest I mean damn you would think a group like black gay men in the situations we are in would be more about loving and accepting one another because we are all we got in some cases. Also its not that I have as much issues with the clicks as I do the people who idolize them . Wtf, Put your sunglasses on so you can feel cool and do you.)

5) Kissing Flavor Flav... (Disclaimer:I hate admitting I even watch that show because it takes black folks back hundreds of years. Any how when I see those girls kissing him I almost throw up in my mouth and it never fails the same reaction every time. No amount of shine on TV would allow me to be able to kiss flavor flav.)

6) Extremely trendy people... ( I follow some trends sometimes if I like them but there are some people who are on every turn in fashion. I mean damn throw some of you in it. And as far as gay dudes are concerned I thought we was supposed to be individuals when you step in clubs now adays every one has that multicolored baseball cap on and the wwf wrestling belt around their waist they are all looking the same wackkkk. Sometimes you look so much hotter if you keep it simple anyhow. )

7) No Fems, no fats... (Disclaimer: I am neither fem or fat , god forbid some one would think that I'd die a lonely death because their aren't other options out there, I'm being sarcastic. When I see some one post that it kind of turns me off because they are in a way proclaiming some sort of supremacy. And just because one may post that doesn't mean people can't put on their acting game and become who you would want, beleive me I have seen it. I'm saying though dudes need to get out of that evil ass superficial mode if you don't like some one you don't have to kick it with them. If a fat dude hits u up and you don't like it you don't have to respond. If you slip up and go on a date with a fem dude its not the end of the world you don't have to marry dude but you also don't have the right to disrespect dude he is a person also.)

8) H&M underwear... ( I saw a dude in the train station the other day on the platform he proceeded to opening his pants and tucking his shirt in. As I observed him further and watched him proceed to putting his hand in his pants and readjusting his package and pulling at his thighs and all I realized what his problem was . He had on the H&M underwear. I have had this issue myself before , I cant fucks with them. I only put them on if I know I'm about to get some so dude can get the sexy underwear affect and they come off with in 30 minutes. That lycra and shit in them isn't the best for the black mans proportions. We have a lot of booty and some thighs sometimes and when you walk they end up riding up and crushing your balls. One day this happened to me and I thought I was going to have to some home and ice them down. Sidebar: All the play dude was doing with his underwear was a great midday turn on and the booty was nice I wanted it.)

9) All these white girls doing the Missy Elliot thing and making googobs more then her... (Lets see, the formula is a hot beat and a nonsense rhyme and if you can throw in a Timbaland affiliation then its all the more better ie. Gwen Stefani "Holla Back Girl" , Nelly Furtado "Promiscuous" and Fergie "London Bridge")

10) Psuedo-Bohos... (I hate people who join the boho movement just to be into something knowing they love to eat meat, they don't read books,they have dreds because they think they look cuter that way, they prefer beyonce over Jill Scott anyday etc. They just need to keep it real , I'm always grouped in with the bohos but I don't claim it like that, I'm no vegan , hell I even eat pork and could care less what people think about it. I'm just me I'm a little bit boho, I'm a little bit backpacker, I'm a little bit old school hip hop and when the beyonce of the moment song comes on I have no shame in dancing to it but I would never be caught dead buying one of her CD's)

I'm back

2006-08-19T02:45:00.000-04:00

Well I have recently decided to pick up my life and a part of that is going back into the dating scene. I can honestly say that the past two years of dating a brother has really fell off. I guess a lot of it was catapulted by the numerous times I have gotten my feelings hurt. At this point I can not count the amount of times I was sitting in my bedroom singing "when will you call .. caaaaaall"(a la Bilal). Something about the whole dating thing and that whole calling thing fucks me up so I got tired of pursuing dudes and I became the one that didn't call. I could say I throw in the towel so fast it's never even clear if the person didn't like me or not I just know I don't want my feelings hurt so I cut them off before they cut me off and that makes it all the more easier or does it. I mean even worse then some one not calling, I feel like a loser if I am the one always calling them , its like wtf I like to feel special to.
I don't know, in the past two years I have learned many things and I have done to others the exact same things that have been done to me so in some instance I deserve what comes to me . I always wonder how it is you can hook up with some one and then they never speak to you again. It's like um we kissed all night and did xyz and now you cant even pick up the phone I mean why kiss me if you have no interest . Oh wait I can actually answer that myself because I have done it before and the reason why is because I was fucking horny, period point blank. And after I got that nut out of my system I wanted to turn over to them and be like are you still here (ooooh that sounds harsh) but I have issues with being touched by some people after I nut , I need therapy, confirmed moving on.
anyhow enough of the analyzing I'm back in the dating scene

still pondering the same thoughts

Quantity or quality

Well I went out Dolo again the other night and I must say I was on the quantity kick exchanged/gave my number to 5 dudes. 3 at the club and 2 on the train (disclaimer: I never speak to dudes on the train but they were staring at me and I thought fuck it you never know , and I'm convinced I will not meet the one by the usual means of online and the club.)
of all these five guys cant say I if I really liked any of them but I know they were all cute and maybe I will go out on a date with one or two if they call LOL. And if they don't quantitatively speaking it wont matter because I'm open to taking other numbers in the process.
So definately quantity will win I have been doing quality the past few years and its not something you can see because dudes will often mutate into what they think I would like and at the end of the day still be like the other superficial dick fiends on Adam.

Am I ready

yes more ready now then ever I feel like in the almost 5 years (my gay birthday is in January maybe I should celebrate) I been messing with dudes its like I went through my teen years , my exploration period , had my heart broke , had my feelings hurt, been a player everything I think I'm ready to really date . I just have to remember people coming over is not a date that's a hook up and if they come over we will do things we wouldn't normally do and that may leave me in a when will they call situation and that shit hurts my feelings I'm sensitive (damn hate that part of myself because most people would never know it)

what's the plan

I have to be in it to win it , I have to be social I have to leave my house and go out more often and I have to remember to smile and stop being an evil mofo. When I go out, if some one slaps me on the ass , pinches my nipple or grabs my dick it wont kill me , I will give them the evil eye afterward, well that depends on whether or not they are cute.

Well I will be posting every bit of what happens and we will see
( The next nights going out dolo will be Monday , Tuesday , Wednesday will be str8 club night, Thursday and maybe one day next weekend damn. I'm going to have to do this on a budget, the juice and drink will be done on the train )

Feliz Ano Nuevo

2006-08-15T13:39:00.000-04:00

So I brought in my new year yesterday
I fell asleep for three hours and woke up and it was already past 12 midnight so I didn't get to count down like I had wanted to but I knew I was definitely going to go out . So I took a shower, got dressed and put on my ipod and headed out . I decided to go to stonewall, well because that was my only option. Anyhow this is another dolo club outing , I did my first one last week to one of the parties during black gay pride which turned out ok , I saw a few people I knew so I was cool but I didn't really hang with them too much , I kind of mingled which was cool . Anyhow last night I was pretty much all alone saw one person I knew he gave off cool vibes. I must say though I really enjoyed myself something feels good about not caring that I am at a club alone . The only problem is I cant get "white boy drunk" but I still am able to get a little buzz . I think I am going to go dolo more often part of the new me if I want to go out I will go and have fun.

Happy new year

Summer Funk

2006-08-14T16:03:00.000-04:00

Im starting to feel like me again. The lesson learned in this summer is im going to fall down , im going to lose it, im going to have moments of depression and I will recover from them but I will have them again. Its like we fall down but we get up and adding, we will fall down again and again but we have to keep getting up.
Being home all this time forced me to think about some shit. the main thing is i have to start this year all over again as if today is new years. If shit isnt working out there is nothing wrong with starting all over again. I and many others often wait for a moment to symbolize something. Alll year while I was working I was waiting for the summer to come before I would write some songs, take guitar lesson again, get a drivers license, tone up pshh pshh pshh thats bullshit . For all i know a car could have run me over between then and now (knock on wood). i have to live in the moment from this point on.

Another thing that crippled me this summer was anger. I was on the angry blackman world tour this summer. I was extremely upset about work, my ex-freinds/new enemies, money issues, dating life, evrything. And my mother's words are making all the more since now. She always says "while you are sitting here angry and cant sleep the people who have done you wrong are having nice peaceful rest not thinking one minute about you"

Well things are turning around....

My music :I went to see the sugar water festival (jill Scott , erykah badu and queen latifah) this weekend and damnit if those women didnt inpire me!!!
At the end of the day i have to keep it real on this one issue. The whole music thing has been on hold mainly because I am scared. Scared that my music will go somewhere and be destroyed because of the life I have lead in regardss to my sexuality. I dont think I have to phone in and tell everyone about it but people talk. When I saw those girls performing this weekend , I relaized they were all in thier own right a break from the norm, I felt inspired. I came right home that night and wrote a song. I think that sometimes its not about who you are or percieved to be but its about how you handle peoples reaction to you. Whatever, I cant fail if I dont try so I have to at least try. and oh yeah this is the first time i have finished a song in six years, now it seems like my 100 thousand dollar education may have been worth it after all .

Being angry at freinds :I cant be angry at these ex freinds anymore and I also dont have time for enemies. If I rely on some faith I know that they will one day come to thier sinces and unfortunatley I will be long gone but whatever .

Dating: I have definently lost my groove in that area. Cant even say i know how to do it anymore and furthermore who would want to mess with an angry blackman, I know I wouldnt. So i figure once I figure me out which im starting to do and get me in line I will draw the right people to me like I used to be able to do years ago.

Work: I have to ditch that sinking ship . I love my kids (im a teacher) and my community but the beauracracy and the politics have won. i am also tired of having to compromise whop i am and constantly fighting a culture of disrespect.This will be my 5th and last year at the school I work at . so many options are available to me i have to just pick one and make it the right decision. If i didnt need acheck to pay my bills I would quit now but a brother got debt. Interesting thing though , when things consistently dont work out i think its kind of devine intervention telling me i need to move on and its not for me and i really dont remember much that has worked out in my job in the past three years,

well all that being said
Happy New years ( being said in the loudest, most festive bronx puerto rican voice)

Heterosexual Vacation

2006-08-02T02:36:00.000-04:00

Hmm Last week i decided to go to one of my favorite str8 clubs in the city . its beginning to become more common for me to be in a str8 club then a gay club these days . anyhow the kind of str8 clubs i am into are usually some old school back packer type spots. This spot is one of my favorites. I decided to go with my brother who is my best freind and who i always have fun with when we go out. we are just on the same page and we know how to wild out for real, been that way since day one. Any how on this particular night we were having our fun drinking and what not . While chilling in the club a girl comes up to me and tells me that her cousins birthday was that day and that she thought i was hot and wanted to take a picture with me. So i was like cool i went over and damn was she fine. She was on a level i never could have gotten back in the day when i was trying to get with females.
Any way we chilled for awhile and the chick was loving me and for the moment i was intrigued plus i had a few drinks and my brother was eating it all up. I told him I messed with dudes about a year and a half ago and he always wants me to cross back over to his side. He really couldnt understand how i could pull such a fly girl . anyhow i chilled with home girl talked with her and all , then she dropped the bomb she was only 18 but whatever that bomb could never top mine. so i rolled with it and tried to play the mildly interested role and all that did was make her want me more.
well the night ended with her putting her number in my phone and her and i making out
hmmm
That shit was hot for real and she was able to get me turned on . and somehow i thought that function didnt work for me with women anymore but it did that day and im sure it would any other day
it all made me stop to think maybe i am more in the grey area but who cares i know what i go after on the regular and thats dudes. however this young girl made me think for a minute.
Long story short i never gave her the call because of a few reasons one she lives far away , two shes too young and three i beleive in karma and me playing around with homegirl would only come back and bite me in the ass.
she was sweet though and in a different world i would have liked to have chilled with her even though she was damn near jail bait.

two observations:
One may be thinking why is this post called heterosexual vacation. Well thats exactly what it felt like, it was a moment to be back in that world . where i could kiss a significant other in public , hold thier hand and just be with them with out that public scrutiny and fear attached to it . Shit for all i know thats what was really turning me on . damn it was nice if only for a little while. although i love who i am its moments like that that make me realize just how different i really am, or we really are . will i live to see the day where i will be able to express affection to my significant other in public , hell do i even want that. I dont even know if i would do it if it was ok , being that i am so brainwashed on the issue .

another observation i had was when my brother kept asking why she picked me (well besides the fact that im fly). i think it was my demeanor in the club. in a str8 club i am looking for no one really so as a result i get women who want to dance with me and all that shit , i do alot better in the str8 clubs these days . On the other hand my brother walks into a club searching. from the minute he comes in the door he is figuratively doing the "have you seen her" dance (hand in a salute position over your eye looking back and forth). hell i admit i have been guilty of this in gay clubs , and i have definently worked the room before (left my freinds where they stood to walk off alone and see who was in the club).
recently i have become a jaded mofo , so that also steers people away . but when i have my moments where im chilling with my boys or by myself just enjoying the music people approach me so i think i better go with that in the future because this is one dateless summer.

Angry BlackMan Syndrome

2006-07-28T05:18:00.000-04:00

Angry black man syndrome is a term that my brother and I used to describe my stepfather . I swear he was the most complaining ass black man i ever met. and he constantly had that evil ass attitude. He was like a James Evans/samuel L Jackson on a 10. as a kid i really thought the man was insane and just a complacent mofo. Now while i still do think the same I can understand where that anger comes from

Im the past few months i can say that i have been more angry theni have been in the past few years. And its not just one of those i dont liek my job kind of agries. Its beyond just taking a nap and getting over it. it just a constant cycle of let downs. everyone is letting me down and nothing is working out. I have lost two freinds in the past 6 months and both of them I can say that i was so angry I them I wanted to hurt them. Me wanting to hurt people its just not me. But i am tired of being there for motherfuckers when they are going through there shit and them lossing it on me on some what have you done for me lately shit and in most cases i have done alot.
One of the freinds i lost was over some hes changing his life bullshit , when in relaity he has decided to pursue a more dl lifestyle and some how our friendship cant endure that. That made me sooo angry because i thought our friendship was deeper then that bull , but i guess its not so fuck him and the horse he rode in on (he is still fucking dudes so lets be real no difference between him and i , hell theres is difference i aint hardly fuckign no dudes i digresss)
The other freind i lost was on some money issue . Dude is fucking with my money thinking im rich and can be dicked around liek that and it is ok . he said some evil shit in the process and all i can think right now is I want to smash his ugly face in. damn his is the thanks i get for supporting his shows , and being their everytime his relationships crumble , and staying up on the phone talking to him, and lending him money , and just doing the shit friends do. Although i was pretty clear our friendship was coming to and end there is a certain song and dance to things that should happen. If that song and dance is turned in to a war of word s then you know exactly what you trully meant to that person nothing.
Motherfucker.
I cant believe im having such an A.B.S. (angry blackman syndrome) moment that I cant even
sleep
Next im being forced into financial ruins, bill collecters are fucking me raw dogg with no lube, vaseline, sticky nasty KY, nothing . I was standing on a corner in manhattan cursing out one of them today because he froze my back account after i had already made an agreement to pay things off .Thats just not me i dont speak in that manner but i was seeing red i wanted to wait for him after work and strangle him .
Motherfucker
I think my cable is going to be cut off , after all i payed the suns of bithces they cant wait for 2 more weeks. and half of me is saying cut the shit off , theres nothing to watch on there anyhow and i need to read more anyhow. cutt it off see if i care.
I wont even start on my whole job situation. im so angry about that place i have been having dreams that i have huge collosal arguments with my supervisor and they all end in me telling her to kiss my black ass
Im a good person why am i going through all of this.
And i cant even date anyone anymore because what used to be a wall is now like a fortress. I dont trust motherfuckers be cause of the last dude i was kicking it with who really took advantage of me . he caught me at a moment of weakness and for some reason it was hard for me to let him go, what i was bugging. another person i want to strangle.
Motherfucker
acid reflux WTF of all days why today
Acne WTF of all days why today ( i look like a friggin teenager)
Im such an angry black man,
this post looks like i need therapy ot jesus or something , hell maybe i will try both
I think im goign to go check out Creflo Dollar on saturday (that sounds like a plan )
I think i can go to bed now
(not editing this just letting it flow how i felt it)

The Gay Man's Survey

2006-07-18T04:04:00.000-04:00

1. What is the first thing you notice about the same sex? gotta say a handsome clean cut face or a handsome scruffy face.
2. Which male celebrity would you want as a love slave? MOs Def , Common,

3. Gift card winner at work!...which store do you reach for?Urban outfitters, after i put a few dollars to it i can buy a shirt or something.

.4. Admit it, are you a size queen? No way

5. What store do you base your fashion sense on?
a mix of urban outfitters, canal jeans, american eagle outfitters and H&M
6. If you could improve gay pride, what would you improve?I would offer more daytime events (ie. street fare, pic-nic, pool parties etc.)that would be more inclusive to younger people. I would also show those younger people what the older people are doing because i have been to the daytime events and they fascinate me because they are decades ahead of me as far as loving and accepting themselves and having well rounded lives and families.

7. Have you marched in a gay pride parade?
nope not my style

8. Honestly, how many times do you go to the gym?
when im in that zone 3-4 times a week

9. Honestly, how many nights do you go out with the boys?
im assuming this is gay boys, i would say ono to two times a month.
10. How long was your last relationship?
3 long ass months
11. What would you do the moment gay marriage is approved by voters?
i dont know i know i wouldnt get married.
13. Where would you want to have your gay wedding?
in a nice quiet private place out side on a cliff facing the water.
14. Who do you want to be there?
My immidiate family and close and personal friends only , no pitty or political invites

15. What kind of food/ who would cater your gay wedding ?
Soul food ofcourse and maybe some indian food thrown in there.

16. Who is your diva?Jill Scott hands down, and Diana Rss if you want to go classic on me.

17. Which type of gay man do you avoid?Evil bitches, and girly adolescent acting dudes . also dudes who are about only clothes and fashion and have nothing else to contribute to the world.

18. What qualities do you look for in a man?
Inteligence, good looks , masculinity , cultured and knows how to stemulate my mind. some one whose conversation makes me feel tingly
19. What exotic gay locale would you travel to?Brazil
20.what s ong are you tired of hearing?
well i dont have one now but a few months ago it was "i might as well have cheated on you" by keshia Cole, i remember screaming at the Tv/Radio "then go ahead and cheat Bitch and stop whining about it damn"
21. Which club/bar in your gay neighborhood do you wish would just close down because its so tired?
Cant think of one , if they are kind of wack i wont go. i wouldnt even say that about chi chis because its always a good way to get a much needed self esteem boost.

22. Admit it, have you gone thru a vegetarian/vegan phase?
i havent and will not but i think vegans and vegiterians are hot .
23. Which restaurant/type of restaurant would you take a date?
any place where there is intimate seating where we can talk freely and gaze into each others eyes if we feel we should ( damn whatever happened to those days , oh yeah thats right i limit the eye contact these days)
24. How much can you bench?
depends on when was the last time i been to the gym
25. What one part of the male anatomy always get your attention?
a nice ass
.
26. Whole Foods or Bristol Farms? Whole Foods, there is mad eye candy in there , i dont even know what bristol farms is .
27. Do you donate clothes you dont use anymore?
uhhhhh i need to
28. What do you think of Paris Hilton's new singing career?
I dont liek that racist heffa
29. Did you know Godiva Chocolates contain preservatives?
I'm more of a snickers guy.

30. What would you rather watch, hot boys laying out, hot boys playing volleyball or hot boys washing cars?
Playing basketball
31. Do you go return to work late from your 10 minute break?
when i had a job where i could do that i did it all the time but not now.
32. Where do you want to have your dream house?
It would be right here in nyc, preferably in brooklyn or harlem
33. Whats your favorite cologne? Marc jacobs and burberry touch
34. Whats your favorite cologne on him?
Jean paul Gautier gets me opennnnnnnn.
35. Have you worn red to a gay day at an amusement park?
never heard of that
36. What are your favorite TV shows?
pretty much all the reality shows, my name is earl , everybody hates chris, the office, sienfeld re runs and martin
37. Admit it, which TV DVD collection do you own?Roots, and i will own Noah's Arc in a few days :)
39. Admit it, did you ever have a sugar daddy?
never , if old men didnt gross me out i'd consider it but probably my moral foundation would get in the way
40. What is the drink you always order at the club/bar?
Vodca and orange juice.
41. Finish the sentence...when I go to a house party, I avoid....having to stand in one place. i liek to be able to move around but usually i end up in that one place.
42. What embarassing moment are you constantly reminded of?
when i was in high school this guy who i liked that was nice to me but probably didnt get down, we did a show together and while changing backstage one of my nuts fell out of my boxer and i coulf feel the breaze and he was just looking at me like dude are you going to put your nut back in your boxer and i was almost frozen because i was so embarassed
43. What does your last text message say? some ass crack joke i was sending my home girl
44. Admit it, which fast food restaurant lures you each and every time?
all of them but wendys for some reason i think is more healthy then the rest
45. Your date just scored tickets...which singer/performer do you hope they are?
Jilly,
46. Admit it, do you lie about your age?
never , happy to still be alive and rocking out
47. What is your favorite sex position?not important who even still does sex these days lol
48. What movie, in theatres right now, would you take a date?
oh i dont know whats in the movies
49. What movie, in theatres now, would you NOT take a date?
same as 48
50. You're the tour guide...where would you take an out-of-towner who is unfamiliar with your city? harlem, times square, LES, the village and maybe downtown brooklyn.

2006-07-15T19:23:00.000-04:00

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid

I scored an average of 3.57

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Homosexual

Meaning

This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:

0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but morethan incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentallyheterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual

Summary

The idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.

Take the quiz

20 by the 30th

2006-07-01T11:36:00.000-04:00

Aw damn what a crazy past few months it has been . And as a result I spiralled out of control. Recently my grandmother passed ( It's been a few months and I still cant believe it, so funny how we take so many things for granted , we think people will always be around . Wish I spent more time with her and I'm owning that statement, finally. Its rare that we have people in this world that are trully down for us and she was one person that was really down for me .)
The next issue was work. I was doing two jobs and all trying to make these ends meet and go to the gym and do it all . I couldnt hang , I fell off I was so tired and worn out I couldn't beleive it . Shit I'm superman I can do it all well i guess that isn't so . Social life started to become friday nights of passing out on the couch and not waking up till the next morning.
Then somewhere along the way I met this dude who basically challenged everything I beleived in , well basically he tried to control a control freak (or better yet take a little control from a controlfreak , for the record im not about controlling other people just me i control every aspect). I guess lonliness will lead you to do some crazy things. For some reason I couldn't get myself loose of him. It was all that attention maybe but at the end of the day my guard was so up around him and it began to feel like a chore to chill with him . Finally just recently i was able to tell him i can't fuck with him on that level. Im trying to be his freind now but i think at 27 i have all the friends I will have for life. Every time I try to make a new friend i think of all the people who are my friends currently and how much better it would be to be chilling with them then the new applicants ( could just be the applicants are whack though and to be honest the gay freind base is dry.) He seems like he will be a freind I can only take in small doses and I dont think I need another one of those. How genuine is a freindship when i am basically saying the person annoys the hell out of me.
Anyhow all these things considered and I ended up in another depression. This is the first time I was depressed in the spring. I was just feeling rejected. Along with the fact that i have become the king of the single life. I can honestly admit that I no longer even know how to date. That's my new defense mechanism . If they call ok if they dont ok too and I refuse to let him know I think hes cute. Hell I've even gotten to the point where I dont even call. A person can take but so much i guess . As i sit here on my three year anniversarry of being single im starting to ask myself the same questions other ask me "why are you single?" which to me is the same question as "whats wrong with you?" shit i dont know but i do know that the vibe i am putting out isn't helping it much.
Well i think this is a summer for transformations . I get every summer off and in the past my summer revolved around getting drunk having fun and figurring which dude i was trying to holla at . but this summer i want to be about me and me only .
I will start by taking off 20 pounds. I am a weight struggler. In the str8 world i am just fine. hell im a size 34 and i wear mediums and all that but in the gay world i'm a little thick. Well in the gay world if you dont have a six pack you are fat. Adhereing to these kinds of standards alone is kind of like selling out to me but at the end of the day I do think I could have a leaner look and losing weight is not that hard for me I have done it many times before ( hmmmmm writing that statement helps me realize thats a problem) anyhow I got some fly jeans I need to fit into with mad comfort and a few t shirts that show off the pecks and shit to put on. so my goal is to lose 20 pounds by august 30th which will be a challenge but im determined. Being that im not working or stressing myself I should be fine. this amount will take me into that zone that I have gotten to before where I usually stop but I want to keep on going . Ofcourse I will be in the gym also because the goal is not to be ' gay ' skinny but 'gay' phsycally fit.
Besides that the transformation is about getting back into the things I like and stopping this search for something or some one to make the wheels turn and inspire creativity I need to inspire myself and get out there and see the world like i used to.
I'll be blogging my progress as much as possible maybe some one will read this shit maybe not but its about me getting these thoughts out.

It's spring time

2006-05-14T12:32:00.000-04:00

Damn i love this time of year
its always kind of when i get out of that winter funk. i must admit winter just sucks sometimes. i think its manily that whole cut off from civilization due to the weather that just gets to me. plus due to the fact that i am a king of the single life that just makes it all the more difficult. but the interesting thing with spring is that is really when the dating life kicks up and i always meet some interesting people . Those meetiongs never go anywhere but i cant hlp but wonder if i met them in the fall would they go farther due to my flakyness and thiers also. i know the last thing i think about this time of year is love. but i think im chnging my mind as far as that goes . im trying to make this the spring/summer of less casual encounters . not like im a big slut or someshit liek that but sometimes i let horny get in the way and end up feeling cheated. So the goal this srping/summer is less is more lets see if it works lol.

The Thickness

2006-04-18T21:11:00.000-04:00

Oh damn its that time of year again , the weather is changing , my birthday has passed and I am so horny. and the worse part is that new york winters are so dull that the feeling of spring just lights up my life.The leaves come back. The grass grows back . i start wearing bright colors and all that shit . and most importantly my sex drive comes back. just a ride on the two train is enough. in my most innocent moment im just chilling admiring a dudes beauty and in my most raunchy i am staring at him thinking damn he is thick and sexy and i wonder what he would look like with his legs up in the air. this brings me to the title of the post. thickness. well i will say the last guy i had sex with had the thickness. something new for me . i am used to only sexing skinny dudes but this dude had an ass and all. now i did have one other guy who was similar but he had other issues. but after the last thickness i had i am changing. now not to say i will never fuck with a skinny dude but im thinking damn cant imagine all the thickness i missed out on. in my recent trip to betroit a few days ago i met one of the sexy dudes ever over there. one of the things i could remember him saying as we danced was something to the affect of him being fat. shocking to me but he was just a little thick and it was beyond sexy to me. i dont know what it is but i am one who is always down for what everyone else is not into. and its so easy to find some muscular abs and pecks in the gay scene it is honestly getting cliche and its boring. i like to undress a dude and see something i never saw before or feel as though they are different.. anyhow dude in detroit i felt like he was adhearing to the gay concept of weight . for example in my opinion gay people feel that if you do not have a six pack you are fat . period point blank. and if you consider yourself thick then you are definently fat. now to me dude was only about 10 pounds overweight maybe but that ten pounds hit him in all the right places. i have been a person who had weight issues in the past and the gay standard didnt help . for a good few years i got caught up in it until i woke up one day and said "wait when the fuck did i care what some one thought of me, i know im as fly as they come ( and its not just looks but i am also easy on the eyes)" i mean compared ot the str8 world were a size 38 is the average , i would say the gay world average is a 32. this is interesting because i was looking at pictures of myself from a few months ago and i was like damn who is this in the picture, i never want to look this small its just not me, there was nothing really wrong with my thickness or anyone elses for that matter.

If....

2006-03-26T02:07:00.000-05:00

I swipped this from some one its kinda cool

1. If you had to describe the most memorable night of your life, what would you say?
i have more then one but the one that sicks out right now is when i was walking down the street kissing my ex, for one moment in time i felt normal and i felt like love was real.
2. If you had to name the best album cover ever, which would it be?
Bitches Brew by Miles Davis, i think that shit looks so cool.
3. If you had to give up your favorite food forever, what is the minimum amount of money you would demand in return?
Fried Chicken 50,000
4. If you have can have anyone from history welcome you into the afterlife, who would you want it to be?
My Grandma
5. If you had to name the single most erotic part of the human body, what would it be?
Lower back , thighs aww fuck it a nice ass ( i dont care what anyone thinks thats real)
6. If you could say (or have said) one thing to your father on his deathbed, what would it be?
What was the reason for your absense (and at this age i'd actually listen and attempt to understand)
7. If you could have any view in the world visible from your bed, what would it be?
The Manhattan Sky line
8. If you could have prevented any single fashion idea or trend from ever happening, which would you have stopped?
The fanny pouch , what the fuck were people thinking and the fact that peopel still wear them , it throws me into a mini fit when i see them i was to stop them and ask " that shit cant fit into your pockets or bookbag ".
9. If you were to select a moment when you were convinced that an angel was watching over you, when would it have been?
I think there is always an angel over my shoulder especially when i get on the 2 train drunk as hell and reach home sleeping the whole way and dont get jacked at all.
10. If you could have heard the death bed confession of one person from history, who would you pick?
Mrvin Gaye , i would have really liked to have picked his brain and seen what was really going on.
11. If you could prevent someone from overusing one word, who would it be, and what word would it be?
irregardless, its a doublnegative and it irritates the hell out of me ( and why not throw in pacific, people who use that intead of specific make me crazy)

12. If you were to pick a city whose character best represents your own personality, which would you choose?
N y c , i am wild and crazy at times but i am also cultured and fast pased and sophistocated.

13. If you suddenly found the courage to do one thing you always been afraid of doing, what would you want it to be?
Swimming (hell i was a real inner city black youth and i never learned how to do that)
14. If you could commission of any living author to write a new book, who would you choose, and what you want them to write about?Will update when i get ananswer)

15. If you could have changed the mind of one person from history on one issue, who and what issue would you pick? (will update when i get an answer)

16. If you were to have three new baby daughters, what would you name them? (will update when i get an answer)

17. If you had to name the most gullible person you know, who is it?
(Will update when i get an answer.)
18. If you were to confess to how many people you have honestly been in love with, what would you say?
I would say half because i dont think i was in love but i was as close as im ever going to get.

19. If you could give an Academy Award to the most underappreciated actor in the history of Hollywood, who would you award it to?Nicholas cage that confused eye brow shit he does is priceless

20. If you could completely remove someone’s vocal cords for one year, whose would they be?
George W. Bush (he really brings out my inner Nat Turner)

The Latest Cat

2006-03-23T04:37:00.000-05:00

How do I define myself ?
a good question I always ask myself . When I think of who I am I choose not to put myself in a little box. Black and gay are not the words that define me most. As a matter of fact I don't even consider myself to be gay , was never a word that fit into my make up . I still haven't found a word that describes what it is I am but that one doesn't fit me well.
Well I have been kicking it with this cat for the past few weeks. (thinking Trying to find the best way to describe him) well he is a cutie for sure . Not what I always go for but nonetheless interesting . We had one of those weekend dates that leaves you wanting more . The thing I liked most about him was that he was a man about his. Sometimes masculinity can out rule looks for me . Something about kissing and sexing a man that looks and acts like a man that turns me on. Anyway our weekend date left me wanting more. But the brother has a lot of minuses. More minuses then pluses. He's one of those that when you tell your friends about them they say "now you know he is not in your league" and as much as I agree with them my pride will not allow me to admit it nor admit that the reason I kick it with him is based on the fact that there are no other options out their for me at the moment and he is a good "in between man". What are the minuses , so many to list and when I start to do that they begin to cancel him out. He doesn't have a job( at first when I was trying to get some I thought oh well his problem not mine , but damn that shit is a turn off alot of his mentality reminds me of the nonchalant attitude that is stifling the black community) , he smokes up like crazy, has proved himself to be extremely inconsistent ( in a effort to put some distance between himself and I he didn't call me for a good 5 days then popped up like everything was all good)and he speaks as if he is deep when in reality he has nothing to say.
anyway after him proving his level of inconsistency I decided to give him another try . From the beginning he could detect my attitude with him over the phone . I think I have entered an age in my life where I cant even force myself to be phony the realness just comes out anyway, it can even come out when I really may not be keeping it real.
so we met up, (which consisted of him coming over and chilling. I wanted to go of the movies but he didn't so we ended up just chilling here and talking for what seemed like hours then hitting up a diner. ( Side Bar: he wasnt a man about his anymore his real personality showed up, i remember joking about having his representative come back , it was one of those joke but not really a joke moments lol) Our talking consisted mostly of him spewing off his "philosophy " drawn from an immense pool of ignorance but nonetheless I gave it a good ear. He made it his business to constantly check me for not being to responsive to what he was saying , when in all honesty I wasn't responding because I didn't have anything to say. This man does not catch my mind at all. I wanted him to shut up for real.
Then we got into the discussion of the fact that he was out to his family and I wasn't. And he went through the whole thing of how I was afraid of societies opinion of who I was and as long as I was afraid societies opinion I didn't know who I was. And he rode his soap box on this issue for awhile. I really do not see what difference coming out would make in my life . The reason I choose to keep this part of My life a secret to most people I know is just because its not all of who I am . It is not something by which I choose to be known for. I have no interest in being someones gay friend/relative etc. I choose to be known for who I truly am and that doesn't mean I don't know who I am. I know very well who I am its just that every one else doesn't know the whole of who I am but they know the essence of who I am .
So I guess another one bites the dust. After this last visit he now calls every day and I have less and less to say and almost no interest in him i guess he will catch the drift after awhile.

update

2006-03-23T04:27:00.000-05:00

its been a minute since i posted
in the interim many things have happened.
one of the main things was the loss of my grandmother . i wont go much into it but this was a very hard thing to go through . she was trully some one special in my life. she is also the first person that i have lost that was really close to me . lossing a loved one makes me sit back and think . think about that person and think about my own mortality. makes me think if she had lived it to the extent that she wanted to . was she happy , did she take every chance she needed to , did she experience all she wanted to and it leaves me to think the same things for myself.In retrospect i think she did it all and i think she lived her life liek it was golden . now how about me , i know for sure i am in the beginning stage and i havent even begin to start the journey we call life. Oh boy i have so many things to do.

MY Darius Lovehall

2006-02-12T21:01:00.000-05:00

Hmm i think that darius was one of the flyest dudes ever .
I mean the way he was is just perfect . i ve always thought that would be the type of dude for me to be with he was smart , artistic good looking , passionate all that shit . i always thought hmm would i ever meet him or some one liek that .
after years of searching met him two times
went on a date with him kissed him felt tingly didnt want to leave got on a plane and came back home to my reality .
met him both times in atl
my first darius lovehall was a trip, one of the most beautiful dudes i have ever met. He walked with the light ( that the best way i can describe it, it seemed as though something was shining over him.) I met him in bulldogs maybe two years ago and went back to atl for pride that same year and met up with him again. He drives a funky asss truck doesnt care if his locks look unkept, writes songs and thought i was too fly for words. i can still rememebr what his body looks like what his kiss was like , the way he smilled and danced while we were at the bowling alley it was one of the best dates of my life . i got on the plane and came back to the cold ass nyc. In time the communication fell off . along with him telling me something about himself which took a little away from his shine. but damn in retrospect i think i could still have been with him .
My second darius Lovehall . well this one is kinda still fresh he is still very much in my system in a way . i actually met him here on new years day 2005. and interesting day i was at rockwells i was drunk and i was in whorish mode , lets be real about it i was dancing and collecting numbers. darius lovehall 2 came up to and started to kick it , now the irony is the night before i saw him in krash ( ill yuck nasty dont liek that spot) i was there with one of my boys (ooh let me give him a name like other people do on thier blogs im sure ill mention him again) im goign to call him Carmex( if oyu saw his lips you get it but hes hot we go back and hes my boy)anyhow in the midst of collecting numbers and being in whoremode darrius lovehall 2 was not the main thing on my mind. i actually ended up hooking up with some one else that night. only embarassed about it because part of my new years resolution was no more hooking up ( hooking up for me means usually some making out a little jerky jerky maybe and posibbly some sucky sucky i rarely have sex cause im scared to death of it to be honest with you) now its not that I hook up much but i go for long extenuated times of no involvement and then i just have to have something and a hook up is aight until i find what i really want and a person i really want would know because i wouldnt be all on thier ass in most cases lol. sometimes i cant resist. anyway i digress
back to darius lovehall 2 well i was a dick with him and he eventually got back with his boyfreind and told me he would rather not speak to me anymore . and in all honesty i didnt care. when we were speaking i told him i usually go to atl easter weekend, so low and behold there he was in the club and what a night it was. we danced the whole night and ended it with a kiss eventhough i was under the impression he had a man dont know if it was true or not but you make exceptions for a daius lovehall. any way we communicated for awhile and it fell off.
fast foreward to king weekend 2006 i went to a club yet again on the last night i was in atl and who did i see darius lovehall 2. wow i was bugging and we exchanged number and met up and had a date and he then drove me to the airport. being in his pressence this time i felt as though i had met the one i mean i'll explain . he is about 5 9 average height and build but so not average , extremely cute , and funky . he is the type of dude that could care less if he matches . he has every cd i do he loves JIll and thats a plus and he adores me . our date was so hot and we really didnt do much , but a day in his life was enough, just walking around with him was cool and seeing his world and another side of atl. anyhow we got back to the airport and i swear i didnt want to leave . we kissed and kissed and kissed . just thinking about being intimate with him made me feel tingly . anyway during the kissing he touched my dick and i didnt know what to do if i could just have frozen that moment in time . at that moment i was feeling somehting i hadnt felt in awhile ( well since darius lovehall one lol and this little wack ass dude in between he was more like an eric benet you know comes off like a darius lovehall but is actually the typical nigga on some bullshit) any how the whole experience was great . unlike other peopel i will dive right into things i know wont go anywhere just to have the experrience , why not. now its a bout a month later and we are kinda drifting apart because i cant do it anymore ( the long conversations and all and the false hope that someday we will chill agian and i pretty much kissed my atl living situation inquiries good bye)
so the purpose of this post is to acknowledge the fact that the darius lovehall is what i like and in order to find what i want i need to see what it is they had.
1) Inteligent
2) Funky ( both dudes were stylish rebels and extremely indiviual that shit made my dick hard)
3) unconventional beauty ( both was fly but they would never be adam4adam poster boys but they was so fly to me )
4) they had something to say , something to live for , purpose and conviction
5) they adored me ( it wasnt like other dates with the typical nyc gay riff raff, where cell phones are going off and im half interested and the other dude is trying to figure if im thugged out or whatever or if im to pretty to fuck him or whatever
6) i was extremely attracted ( very important i often kick it with people i dont like and it goes nowhere just because im trying to go for something different)
7) walks with the light
so with all this in mind i think i can look for what it is i really really want.

One is the lonliest number

2006-02-11T00:35:00.000-05:00

Hmm. i wasnted to go out tonight . called up one of my boys last night asked if he was free he said yes and now its 12 39 and i am sitting writing on this damn blog that no one reads. cant really be upset with him this behavior goes pretty much in line with whats been going on with me these days . all my boys have shacked up pretty much left me dolo. usually it doesnt happen this way but i must admit winters are always ruff on me especially since i been living alone . winter is cold and lonely and i cant wait for the season to change. i guess next year i better follow the trend ( i dont know i say it as if i could ever do something so stupid) anyway thats that i think i might make it a year with out having sex (well i fooled around but that dont count)

Who is a real friend

2006-01-29T13:58:00.000-05:00

for the record i have been in the life for 4 years (damn my 4 year anniversary came and went , i forgot about it ) i think in this blog i will talk about alot of my experiences.
today im going to talk about who is a real friend in this lifestyle
an incident comes to mind that happened about a 8 months ago
their was a guy i was kicking it with in the summer of 2004, well let me be real not kicking it it was more like i wanted to kick it and he wanted to fuck around. Not that im a ho but there are some people i will come at like a slut ( and if i had to take a vote people like the slut more the other side no one really cares about ) and some people i will hold off on to get to know because i want more and he was one of those people. the funny part is i think i was more of the type of person he'd want to jump off with.any how me and dude kicked it two times in one day on our first date , he took me to a cook out with his freinds then called me up to go spend the night with him at a freinds house he was sitting for . i let that convince me that he had some sort of interest in me. anyhow i will remember durring the fooling around i stopped things when they were getting to far because i didnt see why we should go there.
Two things were done by him durring that night that should have clued me into where this was going
1) he said we will make good friends ( i ignored that)
2) he didnt kiss me before we parted ( i beleive that if you do not get that kiss before you walk out the door after doing god knows what the night before the person doesnt like you , or they may like you but your just a jump off and its not that serious)
any way all things considered i thought that i had met some one who was about something and not like he rest of the trash in the club( a good lesson learned the trash at the club can morph themselves into different personalities in order to lure you inn on occassion not that he was trash but it is something i have experienced with others before). so i kept the communication going ( oh yeah when you call some one all the time and they dont call you , that means they dont liek you). even though he never called me i thought to myself well he doesnt send me to voicemail and we always have a discussion. plus i think personality wise my representative was taking over (I have to think of a name for him) and my representative is nothing liek me , hes very mild mannered and passive and quiet and for awhile he has been very dead. its just sometimes when i meet some one i really like i dont want to show them the real deal in fear they will walk out because to be honest i can be one wild and crazy cussing mofo but i am crazy fun and soemtimes i think thats part of the reason my real freinds like me because im always living my life liek its golden.
anyhow i digress
i stopped calling dude but we saw each other around alot at clubs and what have you
and he would always give the stop and chat and the fake ass hug like we was cool like that . this i think is so unnecessary and i dont understand the phoniness that goes on .anyway one night in a drunkin mode i snubbed dude
fast forward to now he became a freind of one of my friends , you know that always happens , the circle is way too small. my friend for some reason thought we might know each other and asked me if i knew him i said yes and then he asked dude if he knew me and he tried to act like he didnt. after he gave in and said he knew me he went on to bad mouth me and talk about how shady i was, here where the real friend comes in . my freind preceeded to tell him off and discontinue communication . even after that they saw one another and my friend called him on the fake ass behavior that he does which is soemthing i doubt i would do but i though it was fly that he would do such a thing
now one may wonder why this stands out to me . mainly because i think friendships in this lifestyle are mainly fake i have people who consider themselves to be my best freinds and they still have conversations with several people who talk shit about me. they will call me up and say xyz person said xyz about you and i think to myself hmmm i dont think i would have let that go to far but considering you did i will put that in my memory file and keep the pending stamp on your friendship application.

Rumors

2006-01-28T13:22:00.000-05:00

This is my first blog an i should introduce myself but i figure i will do that at some other time
but today i want to talk about rumors
well before i even begin all i can think of is this song by a gospel group thati dont know of but i have them on my ipod and the song brings tears to my eyes eventhough im technically not a christian and there is a line in it that goes " i pray for you you pray for me i love you i need you to survive, i wont harm you with words from my mouth i love you i need you to survive"
do we really need each other to survive , hell yeah we do . and that line makes me think about how much people have hurt me with words from thier mouths and i am sure that i have done the same.
so the matter at hand
I am by day a nyc public school teacher . joined the profession in the beginning because i wanted to do some meaningful work with my day times and it leaves me ample time to pursue my musical career. well in the few years i have been teaching it basically consumes all my time and my musical career is a distant memory. when everi do write a song im surprised i still remember how to do that. the job though has always been difficult to me i wonder why. an artist friend once told me that i will continue to have difficulty in all of these things i pursue outside of my purpose until i begin to pursue what is my purpose.
anyhow in this environment i am somewhat of a celebrity (if we can call it that). so along with celebrity status comes the rumor mill
the latest rumours are two rumors that contradict one another. rumour one that i want to marry a coworker and rumour two that i am gay , shocking well both are. once again some one has harmed me with words from their mouth
their is such a crime in being different and i have been paying the price for that crime since day one.
im not marrying homegirl although i love her to death and she means alot to me
am i gay well i would definenetly never call myself that..... I am a black man i really dont identify with that term
not that i would have to explain myself
maybe im bi who knows i have never really sat back to think about as much i just do me and spread love and give love when need be and beleive that love has no titleor gender(hmm that sounds kinda gay ) whatever all i know is that im not confused and the least you make it an issue in your life then it becomes not an issue , maybe thats why i feel offended by the whole thing
in my own personal opinion the whole gay thing is seen in the str8 world as oh hes gay and all they can see is a dick going up your ass. so i guess thats why it offends me because thats not my reality. any how freinds have been dispelling the rumour and strrangely enough it doesnt hurt me as much as it would have in the past but it does sting to know that people who i have not harmed with words from my mouth have no problem harming me just to get a glimpse inside my life ....